How to Own the Midlife Stage with Guest Sonya Rose

Are you living Midlife in the shadows? Diluting your brilliance? Stifling how you really think... and feel. 

Enough! It's time to unleash your fabulousness on the world in all your gloriously perfect imperfection, and my landmark Episode 100  guest Sonya Rose of Sonya Rose Coaching and I are going to help you do just that.

We're sharing our real-life insights and inspiration for how we have metamorphosed from people pleasers - even social chameleons - in near constant fear of judgment to women who are owning the Midlife stage... and can guide and cheerlead you to do so too.

Connect with Sonya

https://www.instagram.com/sonyarosecoaching/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/sonya-rose-1ab636349/

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100091587726481

https://www.pivotpointcoaching.co.uk/beseenmakeithappen

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Midlife Unlimited, the podcast for women who want more. I'm your host, Kate Porter, the Midlife Metamorphosis Coach, and I know what it's like to feel stuck navigating the midlife maze. I've looked in the mirror and thought, who is that woman? So Midlife Unlimited is here to let you know you are not alone. You don't have to put on a brave face and put up with it. You don't have to play it safe. Midlife Unlimited is all about ripping off that mask and telling it like it really is. Nothing is off limits because together there's no limit to what we can achieve. So, welcome to today's episode. Now, whether it's Botoxing our faces or Botoxing our CVs, it seems us midlife women are being fed the message that we are simply too old to face the world exactly as we are. To which I say, really? I'm proudly tweakment free at 57, though, no problem, if that's what you like to do, go for it. And I'm loath to wipe decades of experience from my resume, so the algorithm thinks I'm younger. Midlife Unlimited is here to take a stand on us being branded as past it with nothing left to offer. It's time to be bold, be visible, and dazzle in our perfect imperfection. And my guest today is with me. Because I'm delighted to be joined for this landmark episode 100. And thank you all for being here on the journey. Still more to come by the fabulous Sonia Rose, self-trust business visibility coach and mentor, to talk about how to own the midlife stage. So welcome, Sonia. It is fabulous to have you here.

SPEAKER_01 1:56

Okay, thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited to be recording the hundredth episode and uh just you know overwhelmed actually.

SPEAKER_00 2:07

Oh, well, it is lovely to have you here. I'm doing my little happy dance. Now, dear listeners, you'll probably have realised after a hundred episodes that each episode had a title, put my teeth in, has a title that's a how-to. And I will admit that I've been farting around with the title for this one because I wanted it to, well, it's never going to be perfect, but I wanted it to reflect the conversation we're going to be having. And I've just realized that actually, how to own the midlife stage, it's got a bit of a double entendre, hasn't it? Because it's the midlife stage. Let's get out there and say, Here we are, world, but also this stage of life. We've been a bit clever on this one. We've been a bit clever, but an alternative title, which we did start off with, could be How to Stop Being the World's Best Kept Secret. And that's something you're passionate about, isn't it, Sonia?

SPEAKER_01 2:56

Absolutely. And I feel that so many of us, when we get to a certain age in our lives, we feel that we're not able to put ourselves out there and be the real, the real us because we spent years perhaps being someone else, perhaps thinking that we needed to be someone else, perhaps not believing ourselves, not trusting ourselves. So when we come to, when we get to midlife, it's really difficult to be seen.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

No, absolutely. And as you said, and we we'll be delving into this quite a lot in our because I'd love to find out more about you, the woman you are now, and how how you've come here. And obviously, we'll be sharing insights along the way, but also some tips as well further into the conversation. But as you just said, something I hear again and again is, and as I say in the intro each week, you look in the mirror and you think, who is this woman? So it's whether you've lost sight of the woman you were, whether you've ever really unleashed who you actually are on the world. But this is a good time to actually think, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna say, I'm gonna air these opinions that I've been keeping quiet, whether that's professionally, or at that dinner party where you've spent years piping down or making volivons and not talking, you know. No, this is our time to say hello, hello. And we don't just mean being the loudest, do we? Oh, definitely not.

SPEAKER_01 4:21

I I feel that people mix up or get there's some level of confusion with regards to being seen and putting yourself out there, and it you need to be an extrovert in order to do that. But the most powerful people are the people who speak with authority and confidence, and that doesn't require you to be loud or extrovert.

SPEAKER_00 4:41

No, absolutely, and I'm a big big advocate as well. As you say, it's completely it's not the it's not the man or woman that comes bursting into the party or the networking event like a whirling dervish, and everyone kind of pauses and goes, Oh, he's here or she's here. But it's the one that makes you feel good, it's the one that has that quiet, not necessarily confidence, but that quiet aura about them. That well, I never remember who said it, but it's how it's like what people say about you once you leave the room and how you make people feel. It's not having the wittiest one-liners, it's not having the most impressive story about the holiday you've just been on, or what your children are doing, or what you'll you've been doing, and da da da da. No one really gives a flying poo about that. At the end of the day, they care about you being an a lovely person and you being genuine and trustworthy and warm and yourself. They want to feel that the person they're speaking to is not faking it, is not putting on an act, and it's not looking over their shoulder, thinking who else in this room can benefit me more than the person I'm speaking to now.

SPEAKER_01 5:51

Yeah, I definitely think it's about how you make people feel, it's how you make people feel in your life and how you make people feel in your business. All part all of that is about being visible. And when I talk about being the world's best kept secret, what I'm talking about is really a lot of the women that I work with, they have tremendous amount of experience and ability and value that they can bring to the table. And if two people see it or understand or respond to it, then they're not showing up, and that's how you become a secret.

SPEAKER_00 6:25

No, absolutely. I mean, I add a little phrase when I was making some notes because I say I we don't use a script here or midlife unlimited, but because of my massive brain fog moments, I do like to have a structure, I like to have signposts, and a little thing I jotted down is the shh factor. And I think that's something that is applied to a lot of us. It's like kind of our opinions, like shh, shh, dear, yeah, be quiet. Yeah, yeah, that's fine, Kate, but no, yeah, you get back in the corner. And I think traditionally, midlife women, you know, it's been put the tweed on, put the pearls on, and go and behave yourself. We've been behaving for so many decades. This is time to misbehave and shake it up. And I think owning that midlife stage, the stage of life and the stage of performing to our best abilities, but in a real way. That's something that can get take some getting used to, can't it? And I know we I say we're going to be sharing our top tips later, but I'd love to delve into your own midlife metamorphosis journey because I'm sure, like me, it hasn't been a straightforward one. That this the woman I'm looking at now in her gorgeousness, the the aura that surrounds you, that's something you've worked on, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 7:36

I've definitely done a lot of work on this. And I I look back and I try and think about when when you first started feeling hidden, or subconsciously you start feeling hidden. And for me, I remember going to it was a uh a parents' evening with my mum, and I must have been about eight then. And we walked into the room, and there were all your friends and you're giggling, and the parents are talking and whatnot. And I looked across the room and there was a flip chart, and on the flip chart, it had my name, and my name was towards the bottom. And I remember thinking, I remember Sonia thinking, little Sonia thinking, oh my gosh, everyone's gonna think I'm not bright because my name was at the bottom of this list, and like no one had ever said that to me. It's just a feeling that I had, a feeling of shame that came up for me. Yeah, and and then bizarrely, it was like about 20, maybe 20 years later, I was out with a friend, Kitsy Canan, and um, I was for some reason this story came up, and she said, uh, and she used to be a teacher, and she said to me, but son, wasn't the list of the girls' names just in alphabetical order? And it that's one of the most, you know, those light bulb moments. Yeah, no, I thought that.

SPEAKER_00 8:53

I thought surely it's no, but my school report that the each page it used to rate you in the class, and that used to, oh my especially if you've got pushy parents, which I might have done. That's horrendous, isn't it? The pressure of that.

SPEAKER_01 9:09

And it's interesting, I then subconsciously carried, and I'm not saying that it was the only thing, but it's just one of the things I remember. I carried that belief that eight-year-old Sonia was not good enough, not bright, and at the bottom of the list. And it kind of it shows, it showed up, like I said, it wasn't the only thing, but it's just something I remember. It showed up in the jobs I took and the boyfriends and uh all the different and lots of different areas in my life. And it's surprising how these things can really impact you, especially at such a young age. And um, that's one of the things that I would that that I would say it's kind of like a some subconscious way of hiding that you're not even you're not even aware of, and then you have a conversation with a friend and she brings it to light, and you think, oh my god, that makes complete sense. But we make up these stories, don't we?

SPEAKER_00 10:06

So true. And I I would I would as well say very much, particularly me, nurtured for want of a better word, that kind of after you behavior, that feeling of if it's something that I'd quite like to do or have, whatever it might be, but I don't want to be pushy and I don't I don't want to appear self-centered. So I'll be like, well, no, no, no, and invite other people to take my place, to take up the space that I want to take up, the things I want to do. Because Kate's very much, whether it's Elder's Child syndrome as well, it's very much no no no no no, I I'm fine. No, you you go ahead, you do it, you have that experience, you have that moment. And now I'm like, no, bloody hell, first one with the hands up. I mean the episode with Camilla the other day, yeah. But saying be the first to say, yes, I'll do that. It might be a lovely experience, it may not be, it might be, it might be really embarrassing. But then we're cultivating our ability to laugh at ourselves, which is wonderful. That's one of the biggest things for me now. Being able to say, Kate, don't take yourself too seriously.

SPEAKER_01 11:11

Yeah, absolutely. It's just it's it's it's just interesting when you have the time to reflect on what goes on in your life and how that might have impacts you, especially when you're younger, how it impacts you going forward. Like you said, you know, the people pleasing, the external validation, all those kind of things. It's the big it's the grains of it, the seeds of it. And that that's one of the stories that I really remember. And also for me, I was uh raised by a single mum, and there was me and my sister, and I'm the older of the two, and uh we lived in various places. We lived in private rented accommodation, we lived in the council flat, we lived on in my grandmother's house, etc. etc. But I also had a quite a wealthy uncle, and he put me, my sister, through private school. Oh wow, yeah, exactly. So I was, you know, on what at home I was like this, and then at school I was another way, mixed with my school friends and their families, and then within my uncle's world, I was also, you know, in a different way, and I became an excellent shape shifter. I was an excellent shape shifter, I could read the room, I could scan the room, I could be like, A social chameleon, absolutely, yeah. I could read the room, scan the room, work out how I needed to behave, what would get me the best results. You know, I had, I suppose I had like really strong emotional intelligence at a very young age, all those kind of things. And I think that although, you know, it might seem um it there was lots of positives as well, especially when it came to my career. There was lots of positives I knew how to fit in or what was required of me. But the negative side of it is if you're always shape-shifting, or if it's automatic to always shape shift, what you've tried to do is what I tended to do was actually not be really clear about who I was. And so this is something that I did for a very long time. So when I came to midlife, that was one of my challenges. Like I had kind of dampened or quitened that voice with regards to who I really was, because I was so used to adapting and automatically shifting, depending in which environment I was, which had shown I had evidence that it was a bit successful thing to do, especially at work. But when you hit midlife and things are changing for you, that is that's the sort of different journey that you that you can't you you go on.

SPEAKER_00 13:44

No, absolutely. It's like the old mask wearing, isn't it? And now really is a time to rip it off. But another phrase you used earlier when we were having our little pre-chat, which listeners, you know I love a pre-chat. You know I love a pre-chat, is a phrase, and I thought it's so powerful. Now we talk about fear a lot, but you actually said I'm not fearless. And I thought, oh, it actually gave me goof bumps goof, goose bumps, even that's how much it impacted me. Can can you explain what you mean by that? Because it's it's it's a a good phrase that.

SPEAKER_01 14:17

Well, I think sometimes people think that, I'm sure they think that about you, Kate, that you know, got it sorted, you've got it sorted, everything you know, you know, uh and the reality is that we're human beings, right? And um, I think we're talking at the top about you know the journey that you take people on and how you make people feel. And I want to be, I like to tell the truth, speak it as it is, and I am not fearless. There's many things that I've had to do, and I continue to do it in my life where I where fear arises for me. But the difference that I have, the difference for me now is I don't let the hesitation or what I call the visibility flinch or whatever it is, I don't let that be the deciding factor for me. I'm aware of it, but I don't let that be the deciding factor for the step I take in my business, the conversation I need to have with a family member, whatever it might be. I'm aware of it. So, and also that feeling of uh being uh anxious or whatever it is, or fearful, whatever it might be for you, it doesn't necessarily just be because you many of us have done the work, it doesn't go away automatically. Sometimes you have to sit with things for a week, a day, uh afternoon or whatever, and explore what might be going on for you, what's going on at the deeper level. So when I say um when I always I I I always make it clear that I'm not fearless, I make it clear that I'm on this journey too. And as you and as you go through the journey, you reach one level and then you reach another level. So there's always things to be challenging you, and um, you know, as your identity shifts, ah, this is something else that's coming up for me. Oh, I see what's happening here, and then it's about having the tools and resources to support you to move through that.

SPEAKER_00 16:11

No, absolutely. Because I mean I've used it before, I use it again. I never remember who who I first heard it from, but I love the phrase nervous sighted because often we think we're scared, we think we're fearful, and when we, as you say, when we sit with it, which is uh time allowing, and normally we do have the time to take that step and pause and pause before we jump head in. It can be really good to think, yeah, what is it about this that's worrying me, concerning me? Is it lack of certainty? Well, that ain't coming. Certainty is not coming, you only get it with hindsight. We do have to take a risk, we have to take a jump. And often fear can mean that we care, that it is something that we're actually want, because this fear means we're worried that we haven't done enough, and I don't mean we are enough, that we're not prepared enough, that outside circumstances might come and shit on our parade, which they often will. But I say fear as well, and failure, failure really just means that what we expected to happen or wanted to happen doesn't happen, but often it opens up other possibilities. So not reacting, letting the fear stop us, is a lot worse than giving it a shot and messing it up, maybe, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 17:27

Yeah, and also what I like to encourage people that I work with is to have a level of compassion for ourselves because we're so mean to ourselves, we're so mean to ourselves, and we we you you you you may want to have done something you haven't done, you've done it. You might want to start some of your business, you might want to uh you know start the YouTube, go in a podcast, whatever it might be, and then you you pull back. You know what? That's okay. That's okay, just be kind to yourself, take one step at a time. And one of the things that I do that helps me and I share is that is that self-trust conversation and leaning into that self-trust. And I lean into the belief that no matter what happens, I'll be okay. So I don't always know what's gonna happen, but there is a belief, I stand in the belief that no matter what matter what happens, I'll be okay. And that links back to being not being fearless. I'm not, I don't, I don't doesn't mean I'm not fearful, it's just I have a belief that no matter what happens, I'll be okay.

SPEAKER_00 18:29

No, and again, that that really turns the whole fear of failure on its head because if you can if you can stand and say to yourself, yeah, there will be a way, I will find a way. Whatever happens, I will create something from whatever mishmash that I find myself in, whether that's due to my own actions or due to life lifing, there is a way through this. There is a way through this. I love that. And another, you're a woman of many phrases, and I love the power of words, but another phrase you used, I thought, I like this woman. I'm so glad that this woman is part of Midlife Unlimited. I really am. How to be the woman they talk about in Sainsbury's, and as you said, there is a little there is a little add-on to that that someone commented and went, Sainsbury's really.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

Doesn't have to be Sainsbury's. I said to, you know, it could be waitros, you know, it doesn't have to be Sainsbury's. Other supermarkets are relatable. Yes, exactly, exactly. Yeah, it was just uh it it was it was like being okay about people, about being seen, about being visible. Uh that that's why I was talking about the Sainsbury's um the Sainsbury scenario, which got lots of comments on my Instagram. So yeah, that that's where that came from.

SPEAKER_00 19:44

No, I love it because you know, my mantra that I've used all through my own metamorphosis, and I I don't say I ask every guest their mantra, and I'll be asking yours later on, amongst the other questions. But way before Mel Robbins resurrected it, mine was let the judges judge. And that kind of ties in as well because sometimes people will speak about you. Most of the time, you might think they are, but they're not because they're talking about other things that are more important to them than you are than you are. No offense. And I don't mean your loved ones, your loved ones will talk about you. But the people who you think are judging you in a negative way because you're in a critic, dear Dre, that's mine. She's telling you my Zanny. It's Annie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. Um, but you know, she's saying, look, they're they're judging you. You can't do this because what will they say? What will they think? Well, who gives a flying what they think, to be quite honest? You don't have to hold, hold yourself accountable to yourself. And if you can do that, if you can, is it that Rajar Kipling a version of that? If you can stand in your own space, in your own power on your midlife stage and say, Sonia K, I have made the best choice available to me, which is all we can do at the time. NLP, it's a fact. All we can do is make the best choice available at that time and own it and go with it. Own the stage, be don't blame anyone else, take responsibility, take accountability. And if you do that, you're on you're on a pretty good path, aren't you?

SPEAKER_01 21:14

Absolutely. And I am definitely, you know, that comparisonitis and the concerns about being judged, you know, that is what something that I continually work through. And a good example was I was invited to be part of an online summit recently, and my mantra is just to say yes to sing, right? And then work it out afterwards, right? And so I like that, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll say yes, yes, yes. And the person who invited me to be on the online summit, she's someone that I really admire, and she's got like tens of thousands people. I'm exaggerating, but lots of people follow her on LinkedIn and things like that. And I thought, gosh, this is a this is a great opportunity. But soon after I said yes, my brain started going like, oh my gosh, the other people in the summit, they're really great. Um, what you know, what have I let? Myself in for and I've tried thinking, well, I've actually, you know what? I've got I need to prepare for this client. I've actually got stuff I need to sort out for my mum. I also have my new offer coming up, you know, all these reasonable excuses to get out of it, right? And then it's on a Thursday. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's on a Thursday. I'm sure there's a spin class then. Yeah. All these different things that were coming up for me. And um, but but that's okay. And I and I hear similar stories from the people that I work with. That's okay. That's what we do. I'm not gonna let that hesitation or that flinch or concern, I'm not gonna let that make a decision for me. And so Annie obviously was saying, Oh gosh, are you sure you want to do this, right? You sure you want to do this? Yeah, but Sonia can say to Annie, I I really understand why you're saying this to me, and I know you're trying to take care of me and protect me, but I can make this decision. So I did the summit. And what was great about it, I've connected with new people, you know, you and all these different positive things came into my life. But that is a personal example of the stories that I hear very often around people, you know, like I said, want to stats out a substack or have a retreat or whatever, all these different things, and you have really reasonable, really reasonable excuses or explanations as to why you can't do it, and that's what I like to explore women and say, ah, okay, no, how much of that is real?

SPEAKER_00 23:30

Yeah, and it's the whole idea of seeking approval, isn't it? I think one of the main things in terms of owning this fabulous midlife stage, valuing our wisdom, yeah, that that's a that's a given, ladies and gents, that's a given. But yeah, stop seeking approval and embracing our worth as well. Actually, as I said at the beginning, you know, oh Bob Botox, I'm not dissing anyone, you know, it's just by flute, really, that I happen to be 57 and have never tried anything. Um I'm not saying I won't, never say never, but it was I jumped on the kind of chic post the other day, and I just thought, yeah, I'll head up with that one. There were lots of other things as well about empty nesting hugs. That's my favourite one. And being Gen X, that's kind of chic. But letting go of perfection too. I mean, I'm all about perfect imperfection. Because again, that can be part of an excuse system, can't it? I can't do it because it won't be good enough. It's I'm not ready. I haven't done this, I haven't done this, I haven't. You're always going to be able to add that extra layer. You're all no, you have to say, nah, I'm I'm going now. I'm going with this this version of whatever it is.

SPEAKER_01 24:37

Yeah, what I like to say, just take messy action, just take messy action and stand in the belief that it will all work out. Take messy action and and and and learn from every action that you take. Take that messy action.

SPEAKER_00 24:51

Because I know you had some powerful questions that you've come up with, which I love this, from your own experience and obviously from the work you do with mainly women or women and yeah, mainly mainly women. You're like me, I think. Which I it's all about coaching what you know, isn't it? Because then you're doing it from experience, you're doing it with love, you're doing it with passion. So, can you share obviously any insights and tips that come up along the way as well? But these questions that you think listeners can take some time after they finish listening, listen to the end first, or you can pause, you can pause and come back to the rest of our conversation later. So, how how do the questions work? What kind of setting? Do they sit? Is it like a journaling prompt, or is it is it best to be talking as you walk outside in nature? Actually, Sonia, before we go into the questions, let's double back a bit and go more into actually how you've come to where you are now, because that'll give more context, I think, to the questions, if that's all right with you. So, how have you come to be where you are now? That's a big life question, isn't it? But in terms of pivoting, and I know that's something that's in the press at the moment about we shouldn't have to pivot, but we do, we do again and again, whether personally or professionally. So you're stepping onto the midlife stage. How how has that happened in the position that you are now?

SPEAKER_01 26:11

Well, I my background is communications, and I worked in, I was a in very ended up being in quite senior roles for large organization working in communications, and the irony was I was really good at getting other people to be seen and to be heard, understanding messaging and reputation and all that kind of stuff. That's the irony of it because but when it came to my business, that was uh it it became a different story. And when I was at when I was working for those organizations, in I felt that for many years I was unhappy, and I used to wake up in the morning and I used to my last job, well, one of my last jobs, I used to drive to work, and on the way to work, I'd like, you know, get a baguette and uh packet of crisp and a can of coke, get into the office, uh, have something else to eat, after lunch, have something else to eat on the way home, stop off at the waitros, pick up something else to eat, and get home and have dinner. And I was really kind of pushing down all my feelings, everything that was going on for me and my unhappiness. And I didn't even realize that I was so anxious and unhappy. But you could see it in me because I couldn't sleep, I wasn't sleeping well, the hormones were going up and down at this stage, you know. I I was obese, I was just in a constant state of anxiety, and I thought that was normal. I didn't know there was another way. And what happened was in my world, restructuring's happened a million times, and there was an opportunity for another restructure, and I took redundancy, and I it was like a godsend because it was giving me a chance to just stop, start to look after myself, reduce the weight, get get on HRT, all these different things that started to help me manage my nervous system and all those different things. And then I and I'd always wanted to, I was always interested in person development. I was coaching people at work, and I'd done a lot of work in myself. And while I was off, um my uncle, who meant loads to me, he passed away. And I started having therapy and I started really working on myself and taking care of myself. And I remember, like I said, I've all wanted to be a coach, but I was never brave enough because I have good friends who are in that world, you know, and I thought, and I saw them, I thought they're really great. And I remember speaking to a friend of mine and saying to her, I would really love to be a coach, and I'd really love to work with women like me who are going through what I'm going through and share with them how we can overcome it and grow our business and do what we need to do for ourselves. And she said to me, I think you'd make a great coach. And I remember talking to her and thinking, uh you're just saying that because you're my friend. And she said, No, I would never say that if it wasn't true. And uh, and so that's that was kind of like, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna it helped me, supported me to go ahead and do my do my studies. But what's quite interesting as well is um I started, I was loving it, NLP, all the rest of it. But what we do is I wasn't my identity hadn't caught up with who I was, in the sense that very soon after that I thought, I know what I'll do, I'll just go back and get another comms job part-time while I'm doing this, you know. And it's so interesting, isn't it? How you your identity doesn't catch up with who you you you've become. Yeah, absolutely. And I started, and then I then after that year of doing that other comms job part-time, which was never part-time, I was just like, no, I know myself now. This is what I this is what I want to do, and this is what I want to achieve. And so for me, that was a real pivot, just really understanding and growing over a couple of years and giving myself grace. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:04

And as you say, it it wasn't just the career aspect of it because it we never work in isolation, do we, like that? As you say, it was your your physical health, your mental health, your hormonal health, everything else. You were able to go, actually, if I if I look at this area, it'll then and and get that balanced, corrected, or or better, find the equilibrium that I need there, that will then give me the bandwidth to go and explore this area. And it's looking at yourself as a big jigsaw puzzle because we're we're is it we're the sum of our parts, aren't we? And if if it's like the life wheel, if one part is slightly off-kilter, it just upsets the whole, the whole of us, and that's you know, physically, and how we're feeling, our moods, our confidence, our everything, everything. Yeah. So, in turn, in terms of the questions that you would advise our listeners to ask themselves for owning this midlife stage, have these been born of say from your own metamorphosis journey? And are they the kind of questions that when when you f and we say we will be sharing your contact details later on, when someone does come to you and says, Sonia, work with me, help me? Are these the kind of initial questions that you would fight say they'd find powerful and helpful?

SPEAKER_01 31:29

I think they're more like reminders rather than questions. I would encourage people to consider. I will just say, in my experience, every midlife woman that I've met, they know they're so experienced, they're so talented, they've got so much to offer. And my question would be: you can be experienced, accomplished, or my reminder, sorry, my reminder is you can be experienced, accomplished, and capable, and still hesitate when your name is attached.

SPEAKER_00 32:00

That's so true, isn't it? Yeah, and the other thing is the old sticking sticking your head above the parapet, isn't it? Because you're going, you're not just having that thought, you're then saying, and this is a thought, and you're putting it out there into the world.

SPEAKER_01 32:12

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's nothing, it's not bad or wrong, it's just a realization, you know? Yeah. Because it's back to we're very good at like being dissing ourselves and being quite mean to ourselves. And the other reminder is being the world's best kept secret is really, as you said, Kate, one enormous decision to hide. It's usually the accumulation of small moments when you delay and when you kind of soften and avoid making your work and your ambition clear.

SPEAKER_00 32:43

I love that. I say, and it's the fact that I've I honestly do think being curious and trying new things and stepping onto this stage, but exploring different avenues that that can crop up. And I've got a feeling we we might be hearing some of this in your mantra that you alluded to earlier. But saying, not necessarily being brave, not necessarily being confident, but saying, yeah, this is my time now. This is my time to actually take up some space, to actually walk into a room, whether that be a wedding, a party, a nightclub where you're meeting friends, a coffee bar, a networking meeting, go and speaking on a stage, all these different things that we might be doing at this midlife stage that might involve putting ourselves for public scrutiny, for want of a better phrase, yeah, and actually doing it in a way that feels good because we're being us. We're not pretending to be that woman who does XYZ. We're doing it saying, Yeah, this is me. I won't sing the song, I've got the shape greatest showman song in my head now. I'll save my singing.

SPEAKER_01 34:01

I'd love to hear it. Perhaps another time.

SPEAKER_00 34:04

It's been known in a hundred episodes, there are quite a few that involve Kate singing.

SPEAKER_01 34:10

And my other reminders, which we covered in this conversation, is you do not need to eliminate fear before acting, you need to recognise that flinch and stop it automatically making the decisions for you. Yeah, that's the practice, okay? Because it doesn't and it's not easy, but it's practice.

SPEAKER_00 34:36

Oh, I've got goosebumps. So, in terms of something that we can do as a obviously, you've shared so many insights and so much advice, and thank you for sharing your story and being so honest as well. But is there one thing or one word of encouragement that you would say to listeners about how they can step onto this midlife stage and own it on their terms? Do you think try it, go for it if you don't like it, find another stage?

SPEAKER_01 35:09

I think it comes back to belief, believing you're worth it, you know, believing your your worth and your self-belief and your self-trust. I think that's fundamentally what it comes back to. And like I've said before, it's about leaning into that self-trust and believing that no matter what happens, you'll be able to handle it.

SPEAKER_00 35:37

Not underestimating ourselves, and we've done that for so long, haven't we? We've done that for so long. Yeah, that's really beautiful. I love that. Now, those of you listening go, I need to connect with Sonia. Her details will be coming up, fear not. But before we go into those, are you still sitting comfortably? Are you ready for the hundredth time? I'm going to well, actually, it's not because a couple of solo episodes, but it's the hundredth episode. These are the three questions that I ask each of my fabulous guests. And the first one is, and I promise I'll try not to sing, What is your midlife anthem? The song, the sound, the piece of music that when you hear it, you go, Yep. Today is gonna be a good day.

SPEAKER_01 36:22

The song that really lights me up is by Lizzo, and the song is called Good As Hell, and she says something like, I flip my hair back, check my nails, whatever it is. And it's good as hell, if you probably remember it. Oh god, I should have sung then. Oh well. And um, and the reason I love that song is because I had a couple of songs, but this one I remember when I was in a point of life where I wasn't sure what I wanted, I wasn't sure I was good enough, I wasn't believing in myself. I remember playing that song, dancing around in the living room, listening to it when I was walking around the park, playing it before. I still play it now sometimes before I work with clients, you know, to give me that lift. And it's one of those things that just really like just it's a really empowering song, and uh it just uh it just lights me up. So I love that song.

SPEAKER_00 37:16

I think well, that is exactly you just nailed what I mean by your midlife anthem, because it is it's the song that whether you're feeling great, whether you're feeling like you need a bit of a boost, it's the song you put on, you're like, Yep, this is me, this is me. I've done it again with that tune. Second question then What is your midlife mantra?

SPEAKER_01 37:36

The phrase that you live your midlife by uh they do change, but the one that I'm currently living it by, living now in my mansion now, is if you want something different, you have to do something different. And then I read that, that gives me courage. I read it and it gives me courage because a lot of this conversation is around courage, we're just using different words, it gives me courage. So when you say it gives me courage and I and I know that it gives other people courage or something similar to it, if I want something different, I have to do something different, and it then leans into the self-trust thing as well.

SPEAKER_00 38:13

No, no, I love that. It reminds me slightly of the is it the Freud quote about well, that's insanity, but doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different outcome because it is it is all about change, and I say courage and change go hand in hand. Um no, it's very powerful, but I could see that as a t-shirt actually, or a notebook. Yeah, I've got it on the phone. Well, I say the cards are coming, the cards are coming, so that will be on your card. Spoiler alert for anyone listening. I know, I know, and finally, before we go into your contact details, what is the title of your autobiography?

SPEAKER_01 38:50

Well, I decided the title of my book autobiography should be called I Put Myself on the List. Because, as you know, at school, my name is always near the bottom of the list, and somewhere along the line, I began to absorb the feeling of being at the bottom generally. And a big part of my life has been learning to stop waiting to be chosen and to choose myself. So I put my name on the list, myself on the list.

SPEAKER_00 39:21

No, oh, that's so powerful. That's and it's so beautiful. Oh, I love that. Thank you for sharing those. I think I think they're very apt for episode 100. There's some really powerful stuff there. So I keep alluding to your contact details. So all listeners, all Sonia's contact details are on the show notes for our episode, and she has her guest profile on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website. Again, the link in the show notes here. But for the purposes of listeners who would like to jot down how can they connect with you, your social links, website. I know there are some changes in the pipeline. So, listeners, I will make sure. Obviously, we're coming out end of August. I will make sure that as things change, I will update Sonia's link. So fear not, as long as Kate's remembered to do it, they will be all up to date. But can you talk us through as of now how listeners can communicate?

SPEAKER_01 40:14

As of now, I'm very active on Instagram, and you can find me at Sonia Rose Coaching. You can also find Sonia Rose Coaching on Facebook, and I and I'm my LinkedIn is not up at the moment, but it will be soon. And so you can find yeah, you can find me there at Sonia Rose Coaching. So it's it's the same name on the different platforms, and then if you go into my Instagram as well, you'll be able to link through to the various offers and my website, etc.

SPEAKER_00 40:42

Excellent. So go and connect with Sonia. There, there are some brilliant posts. I I love all your uh grid, that's the word, it always looks absolutely fabulous, very eye-catching. And listeners, I'd love your feedback on today's hundredth episode, and thank you for being here. Thank you all for all your support. Put my teeth in. It means so much. Because I always say, without you, there wouldn't be any midlife unlimited. So leave a review or subscribe, like, um, and you can email or text me via the link in the show notes too. You can come and join the Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook, Facebook group, even. I'm so excited for behind the scenes um gossip and information. And also on the website, you'll find details of how you can work with me one-to-one and come and join my award-winning all-in-one programme, more M-O-R-E exclamation mark that combines one-to-one with group program. I'm losing the will to speak today. I'm too excited. I'm too excited. Thank you for joining me, Sonia. It's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you for listening. Uh, I look forward to you tuning in next week because don't forget Midlife Unlimited has a new episode every Thursday, at least one, available wherever you get your podcasts. So here's to being fabulous and flourishing together and living Midlife Unlimited. Thanks, Sonia. It's been brilliant.

SPEAKER_01 42:07

It's been wonderful, Kate. I appreciate you.

SPEAKER_00 42:10

Bye.