Episode #011 How to Reinvent Home as a Midlife Woman with Guest Alex Hughes

Midlife brings with it  many challenging changes that can leave us feeling overwhelmed… but we just get on with it, thinking no one will be interested. And moving out of the family home is right up there, whatever the reason – divorce, downsizing, relocation and bereavement can all play a part. Or simply our desire for a change of scene at this pivotal time in our life. 

Midlife Unlimited is all about having those conversations about subjects we don’t talk about enough and being open and honest sharing how they make us feel. So your host Kate Porter is delighted to be joined by Alex Hughes for this episode to talk about How to Reinvent Home as a Midlife woman, or how to move on when moving out of the family home.

From practical tips and advice on empty nesting and downsizing, to heartwarming memories, Alex shares her experience of leaving the family home after more than two decades, the impact this has had on her, her husband and their two daughters and the lessons she has learned along the way. 

Kate and Alex discuss how to overcome fear of change and the dreaded “what ifs” and "if onlys", as well as coming to terms with the passing of time free from regret and embracing new beginnings on our terms.

Connect with Alex here

https://auxiliumconsulting.co.uk

alex@auxiliumconsulting.co.uk

https://www.linkedin.com/in/alex-hughes-sustainable-business-solutions/

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:02

Hello and welcome to Midlife Unlimited, the podcast for women who want more. I'm Kate Porter, the Midlife Metamorphosis Coach, and I know what it feels like to feel stuck navigating the midlife maze. I've looked in the mirror and thought, who is that woman? So Midlife Unlimited is here to let you know you are not alone and you don't have to put a brave face on and put up with it. You don't have to play it safe. Midlife Unlimited is all about ripping off that mask and telling it like it really years with raw and real conversations, smashing stereotypes, busting myths and misbehaving because our second spring is our time to shine our way. So welcome to today's episode. Now midlife can bring with it so many changes that can leave us feeling overwhelmed but we just get on with it. thinking no one's going to be interested. So today I am delighted to be joined by small business consultant and sustainability expert Alex Hughes of Auxilium Business Consulting to have a raw and real conversation about a subject that I think we don't talk about enough. How to reinvent home or how to move on when you're moving out of your family home. So welcome, Alex.

SPEAKER_01: 1:40

Hi, Kate. Thank you very much for having me on the podcast. I'm very excited to be talking to you about this subject that's just suddenly appeared in my life. And yes, there's lots to talk around this subject, I think.

SPEAKER_00: 1:51

Well, when I thought about it, I just thought Alex is the obvious choice because obviously we've got to know each other well through networking and And I love your post, but we'll come on to that later on. But the link through, obviously in business, you're used to dealing with change and helping businesses navigate it. But when it comes to our personal lives, moving home is one of the biggest changes we can experience. And your story really struck a chord with me. Remind me, how many years was it you've been in your home? The

SPEAKER_01: 2:28

home I've just moved from 22 years and the home prior to that was nine. So majority of that time, my children have just lived in two different houses. But the majority of the time was the last property we lived in. And that's where they really kind of grew up, had all their friendships, went to senior school and went off to university, all that sort of thing. So that was their solid home life for 22 years back in our old house. Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 2:50

So a massive upheaval leaving that behind them.

UNKNOWN: 2:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 2:54

It's been an interesting journey, one which I was surprised about in various different ways, some being that actually now we're in the new house. I don't particularly think about the old house, but prior to moving, I kept thinking to myself, oh my goodness, how on earth can we leave this home? It's where the girls know, they call it home, and it's where they have their bedrooms, which they don't have now. They are a guest in my house now. Things have shifted, but we've made the right choice and are very happy about it.

SPEAKER_00: 3:23

Oh, well, I look forward to finding out more about that. But I say there are so many reasons why us Gen X up women might be facing moving out of our long term home in midlife. I mean, obviously downsizing or resizing, not necessarily downsizing, divorce, bereavement or just that urge for new surroundings. You know, the whole emptiness situation or it could be a new career start. What was it that prompted yours, Alex? Was it a combination of everything? I

SPEAKER_01: 3:57

think

SPEAKER_00: 3:58

it was because... Not divorce, but...

SPEAKER_01: 3:59

No.

SPEAKER_00: 4:00

No.

SPEAKER_01: 4:01

We'll make that very clear, yeah. No, 32 years. No, I think it was a combination of things. I think it was the fact that my eldest moved to Hampstam in COVID and is, you know, having loving life over there and is not going to come back permanently. My younger daughter is engaged and she's now bought her own little property. So without saying it too harshly, the kids are not coming back to live with us. So we had a five bedroom house and we kind of thought to ourselves, this is ridiculous that there's two of us floating around in a massive five bedroom house with a massive garden and time to think about where we wanted to live the house was also built in the 1930s so it was beginning to need an awful lot doing to it from my sustainability hat there were lots of things that were going to come up that we didn't feel were you know for example we couldn't put solar panels on it all sorts of things we couldn't do and we thought do you know what we need a house that's a lot younger a bit more solid and a bit more of a lock up and leave so that when we want to go travelling maybe in the next few years ad hoc we can leave it in a secure area so we haven't moved that far to be honest but nonetheless we've moved to an area that is new to us to live in but not new to us to know and it's a house that's really for us not for the children which is quite an interesting thing to choose a house for just the two of you again so when you start out together you buy a flat or a house and it's just the two of you and then your family grows now we've gone the other way where we're kind of you know slightly smaller but it's just for us and the things are just the two of us for the future not really thinking about the children although maybe Maybe there might be grandchildren one day.

SPEAKER_00: 5:35

Yeah. But you're so right. That is such a shift in focus, isn't it? And I've been thinking about this before we chatted. And it is such a complex mix of emotions. Obviously, you've got fear of change, possible regrets of what you're leaving behind. I know it's bricks and mortar, but there are so many memories that can be attached. And the what-ifs for the future. And it's also... Without sounding morbid, but it's a sign of the passing of time moving into another phase, isn't it? And the dreaded, we are getting older. More fabulous as well. But I mean, I found an interesting statistic here. A legal and general poll, 62% of women rated moving home as the most stressful life event above divorce. So it is just a whole melting pot of emotion, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01: 6:31

I think the whole process of moving is stressful. Even if you are organised like myself, there's still things that are not in your control, i.e. solicitors and estate agents and all that sort of thing. But I think you have to learn to, and I think as you get older, you learn to relax into it a little bit, give yourself a bit of time and just trust the process. But it is a tiring process. It is an emotional process. You're decluttering your house, you're leaving home and you're seeing it suddenly become emptier and emptier until the day that you move when it is completely empty and you stand in each room and remember what happened and all those sorts of things. But it is a journey you have to go through and it is quite cathartic in places. but it is a tiring one and you do have to adapt to it and you can adapt to it. And I was surprised how quickly I have adapted to being in the new house. I go past the old house occasionally because I have to go that way for various things. And I have actually been back into it where I had to take back to the owners and it was bizarre to see their things my old house but you know you have to move on from it and yeah and yeah because otherwise there's no point in moving you can't keep thinking about the past you have to make new memories and you have to focus on the future and what's ahead of you

SPEAKER_00: 7:48

so how did it feel when when it was the old house and i think we'll call it the old house yeah not home the old house yeah um When you did do that final walk around and see, were there like, when you'd taken pictures off the wall, were there like the faded marks where paint had faded over the years?

SPEAKER_01: 8:08

But there were things like, my daughter had one of these funny little alien things that came in jelly. And I remember she dropped it on the carpet underneath her desk in her room. And I remember moving something and thinking, aha, that's where that fell on the carpet. You know, and it felt very echoey and funny. you know, with nothing in it, it felt so big, you know, because when you have things in it, it kind of comes in. But it was the right thing to do. I didn't cry. I didn't cry about it. I did feel a little bit sad. I missed the neighbours. We had fantastic neighbours. But, you know, we both felt it was the time to move on. My husband's in the building trade, so he kept looking at the house going, this is just going to... eat up all our money. We, you know, we need a house that's solid, much, much younger. That's never going to be the eight. So the house was nearly a hundred years old. So the house we've purchased is never going to be a hundred years old in our lifetime because it's 24 years old. So, you know, so the house will be solid and easy to look after. And that's what I think you have to think about as you get older as well. You're not a spring chicken running around doing lots of DIY anymore. We've got people in doing stuff for us now things change. Um, and I think you just have to accept that and enjoy that brings and the metamorphosis of change in the new house

SPEAKER_00: 9:22

good word good word but it's it's getting rid of the hassle as well isn't it

SPEAKER_01: 9:27

yep

SPEAKER_00: 9:28

and I know people think oh but no I think it is time now that we can think you don't need the added hassle you don't need the extra faff lovely as it might be to have a home that is older but the effort as you said that brings with that it's a perpetual like now Watney's doing now Watney's doing

SPEAKER_01: 9:49

Well, I think one thing that came to mind when you just said that was the garden. So we had a very big garden in the old house. And when the kids were young, they ran around in it, had fun. We had barbecues and parties. And in COVID, we had a tiki bar and everything was fun. We had a deck. We had a jacuzzi, sorry, hot tub that we got rid of and all the rest of it. So it was a great garden. Here we have what I would call a poster stamp garden. But you know what? It's beautiful. It's got lovely decking areas. I've got my big chair out there. We can have barbecue but it's small, it's manageable. We don't need a gardener to come in. It's something that we can lock up and leave. And if the grass grows for two or three weeks, then fine. So, you know, as much as it's absolutely amazing to have a huge garden, it takes a lot of looking after. And we don't particularly need that anymore. And we have open spaces here. We have the River Thames nearby. We have parks. We live on an estate, so there's walkways all around. So, you know, we'll get out more and do things outside rather than just being in the garden. So, yeah, we've taken the hassle out of it by having a small garden

SPEAKER_00: 10:52

well two things that spring to mind from what you just said a as you said it encourages you to go for more walks etc but lovely as it is to have a big garden as long as you've got the nice seating area and some pots and things to look at so of an evening whether it be summer or winter with one of those do you have one of those heater things

SPEAKER_01: 11:13

yeah yeah

SPEAKER_00: 11:13

yeah I've always fancied one of those are they easy to look

SPEAKER_01: 11:17

after They can get a bit rusty, so you have to look after them. But we have got a big awning as well. So, yeah, we can sit out there at all times. So, you know, it's going to be lovely. It's going to be where you step out. And also we've got bifold doors. So basically the inside will then merge with the outside. Oh, I'm coming round.

SPEAKER_00: 11:35

I'm coming over. But another thing when we were chatting before that really resonated about the whole process, as you said, of moving... On, yeah, moving on after 22 years, which is a big slab of not only your life, but your daughter's lives as well, is you mentioned, and I hope you don't mind me raising this, the loss of your dad. Yes. And how that was not a wake up call, but being the final generation of

SPEAKER_01: 12:11

Yes it was a very very difficult time Kate just very very briefly during Covid my dad was in a care home my mum had already passed away three or four years earlier and my dad had a stroke funny enough on his birthday and they thought he'd had some sherry which he hadn't anyway he didn't really recover from that and two months later he passed away but the worst thing about that was that we couldn't actually physically go and see him we weren't able to go into the care home and every time we saw him we watched him through the window of his care home luckily we weren't able to see that because he was on the ground floor. Other people weren't able to see that. And so, yes, so we lost him in 2020. And obviously that was a difficult time. But after that, you start to think about the fact that there's no one above you. You are the next layer of the onion, is I think what we were talking about. Yeah. brother and sister, but you know, suddenly we become the elders in our family. There's nobody above me to refer to, but the children refer to us. And so therefore we become the next layer. That makes you feel slightly older, slightly more senior and a little bit responsible for things. Whereas before it was always someone above you who was responsible. So yes, I feel like I'm the next layer of the onion and that's maybe put a lot of perspective on life, what we want to achieve in the next few years, my husband and I. And, you know, what we want to do with our lives going traveling and, you know, hobbies and interests and work and all sorts of things. It sort of makes you realize, OK, what are we going to do next? And we haven't got that every weekend. Oh, I've got to go and see dad. I've got to go and see mom. We haven't got that responsibility. We've got to have fine things for ourselves because we spent months. anywhere between eight and 15 years looking after them my parents running around after them so now suddenly they're not here we have more time so then i've started to go and play golf and all sorts of other things have emerged that we can do so

SPEAKER_00: 14:10

it is such a shift isn't it it just i will say new possibilities and i don't mean that in a in a non-emotional way but it is a pivot It's a real pivot. And I know you were saying you did you and your husband did a lot of soul searching when you were looking to move about areas and you consider different areas. I think in the end, you didn't take the easy option, but you said it was an option that just felt right in terms of location.

SPEAKER_01: 14:41

Yeah, my husband comes from Winchester and we have a lot of family down there. We found an absolutely beautiful house. It was a brand new house, so it was sustainable and all the rest of it. But when push came to shove, despite the fact he said he was happy to commute, I think, you know, it was a long commute and every day and he was going into Canary Wharf and we just decided that perhaps that was not the stage for us just yet and that we should find something a bit more local. And then we came across this area where we are now and found the house that would suit us. It's not brand new, but it just needs a lick of paint. There's nothing structurally needed to be done. And so it kind of hit the spot really. And we were very lucky to be able to sell our house and move into this one. The process took about, I don't know, about five months.

SPEAKER_00: 15:28

That's not too bad, is it? So it sounds like you were quite, I won't say lucky, fortunate in that process. Because I know we won't, I'm not a solicitor, so we won't go into all the nuts and bolts. But I know it can be quite a drawn out process, can't it?

SPEAKER_01: 15:42

We had a good time, but there were some tricky moments, hence the stress. But all in all, it was pretty, pretty plain sailing. We were lucky.

SPEAKER_00: 15:50

Because one thing, I mentioned your post before, and I'd like to bring that up again, because... You did a beautiful post. I think it was on LinkedIn. I saw it. The 22 things you'd learned in 22 years. And do you mind if I share some of those and we can talk through them?

SPEAKER_01: 16:08

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00: 16:09

Now, the first one I love because I'm all about taking time for us. And you actually said moving house is a timely process. Settling in takes time. And you had to gift yourself time. You

SPEAKER_01: 16:30

know, it was one of those things where I thought, you know, my husband was working a lot, so I knew I had to do it. I didn't have the children to look after, didn't have my parents, but that. So that would allude to the fact that I had more time, but I was still busy. So I just had to say to myself, right, I can only do what I can only do at this point in time. And yes, there's humps in the road, which made you shift back and things didn't quite work out. But yes, you have to allow time for yourself. Don't rush into everything. Don't do lots of decluttering. Just do it gently. And that's one thing that I allowed myself to do because it is a tiring process. And no matter how organized you are, like I am, I was still tired doing it.

SPEAKER_00: 17:09

Well, it is tiring because it's mentally draining as well, isn't it? Because there's a lot of thought. And I think you had a brilliant story about your kitchen, which we'll come on to in a bit, but with the pizza cutters. But the other thing I love that you said is you actually surprised yourself because you learned to adapt to your new life better than you thought you would.

SPEAKER_01: 17:32

I did, actually. I mean, at first couple of weeks, it was a bit weird, you know, living and sleeping in a new house and, you know, different noises and different this, that and the other. And the cat was all discombobulated as well because she didn't know where to sleep and she was meowing around the house. So it was all a bit strange for a while. But, you know, surely, you know, and days go by and then suddenly you just get into the swing of it really and i was really excited to explore the area which i knew but i didn't know because i didn't live in it so and i was going up into the high street bumping into people thinking oh this is great i know people around here so you know slowly slowly it you know your environment is easier to get used to And you don't feel like you're a guest in the house anymore. You don't think, oh, this isn't my house. This is somebody else's house. You suddenly edge into thinking, oh, this is mine now. I can do what I want to do to this. So,

SPEAKER_00: 18:25

yeah. Because that brings me back to that beautiful line you used about your daughters, about they don't have their own room anymore. And you said when you first pointed that out to them, they were like, oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 18:38

Oh, I'll have that room. I said, no, it's not your room. You don't have a room anymore. You are a guest to my house. And they were kind of mortified that, you know, but there's nothing of theirs is in the house, obviously. So a few bits and pieces. But yes, they are now guests, which would be quite interesting at Christmas. Who has which bedroom?

SPEAKER_00: 19:01

Well, it's new traditions, isn't it? It's all new things that You're learning and there's no right, there's no wrong. It's just a matter of finding what works for you and your husband and your daughters as part of that and grandchildren or whatever as they come along.

SPEAKER_01: 19:19

They're very excited and very supportive and they love everything we're doing to it and they're looking forward to coming at Christmas and what have you. But I did tell them, first come, first serve, we're the bedrooms.

SPEAKER_00: 19:29

Oh, absolutely. I had to put names in a hat. LAUGHTER Now, another analogy that you mentioned during your 22 things in 22 years, or it was linked to that, was a beautiful analogy from your mum. And I won't preempt it because it's beautifully told. Could you please share that with our listeners? Because I think it's really special.

SPEAKER_01: 19:53

So I said, I remember my mum telling me a phrase, and I'm not sure actually where it came from, about what she thought about the changing phases, which has helped me realise as we get older and very much wiser, that our role as family members and parents changes but gets stronger and becomes the core. So this was the phrase she used. As I say, I'm not sure where it comes from. So when I was young, I was the photo in the frame. When I grew up, I was the frame of the photo. When I was older, I was the hook that hid behind the frame and held it up. So those three lines are quite quite poignant and quite interesting to read. And so this helped me feel at the core of my family, no matter how many generations come and go. And, you know, I remember being the photo in the frame, you know, all the children, you know, they are the focus. And then as you grow up, other people come in, maybe younger siblings or whatever, and then you become the frame of the photo. And then as you get older, you're looking at everybody else. So it just shows the sort of like phases you go through.

SPEAKER_00: 20:56

No, I think it's beautiful. Talking of photos, did you have to have a massive cold? What do you do with all the stuff? Did you get rid of loads of stuff?

SPEAKER_01: 21:10

I had the lovely Amy Austin come and help me. She's a professional declutterer who I met networking. And what amazes me about her is she's no messing. It's like, you know, do you need this? Have you used that? Whatever. And she actually collates things and will take what you don't need back to a charity shop or wherever she takes stuff. So she comes in your house, she sorts it all out. She puts everything all neatly away and brings along different vestibules and boxes and baskets and what have you. And then whatever you don't want, she takes it away and you just don't have to worry about it. She's like a fairy and comes in and waves her wand and then off she goes. She's amazing.

SPEAKER_00: 21:50

That is brilliant. And it must be helpful as well, having someone to actually ask thee, do you need this? I mean, what is it? Love it, need it or lose it? That kind of mentality. But I think you did mention that... you had quite a few pizza cutters. Yes, I did. I don't think we've even got one. I'm quite envious. I feel I need to get a pizza cutter.

SPEAKER_01: 22:18

I

SPEAKER_00: 22:18

have to just

SPEAKER_01: 22:18

clarify that I don't eat a huge amount of pizza. Why I had, I don't know. I think it might have been six pizza cutters. I don't know why. She said to me, Alex, I've just gone through your drawer. She said, why have you got six pizza cutters? I was like, I'm not really sure. Anyway, we ended up with two. She also asked me why I had eight pairs of scissors. Well, I had an answer to that really, because I had a short pair, a long pair, a thin pair, whatever. So I guess we kept three or four of those, But actually, as you went through your drawer, it's like, yeah, why have I got so many of these? I don't know. I've just probably accumulated them over the 22 years with the kids, et cetera, et cetera. Maybe one's got hidden, gone back down the back of the drawer. And as I've moved house, I've suddenly realized I've got eight of them. So, yeah, she was she was quite amazing coming in and swooping in. And, you know, somebody else saying, why have you got a not my husband? It just probably doesn't care anyway. Yeah. But she sort of said, what have you got those for? Anyway, we sorted it all out. She was amazing. And I didn't actually think I needed her help with it, to be honest. But she had a different perspective. And she came in and we had a whole day or a whole morning, a couple of days over a period of two months, I suppose. And yeah, she sorted them all out. So it works.

SPEAKER_00: 23:30

And I understand you're now super organised. Your loft is like something out of a show home. I'm getting even more envious now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 23:39

It's a big loft. In our old house, it went round, because we did a loft conversion, the loft itself went round the edges. So you had to crawl around. So it was a nightmare. So this house is a very tall house and it's got a very big void. And so you literally, you go up there and you can stand and walk around. So It was partly my husband, really. So when he went up there, he said, right, this has got to be organised. So it's all in lines. He knows where the Christmas stuff is, the holiday stuff, the picture frames and this. It's not labelled. It's not labelled.

SPEAKER_00: 24:07

I

SPEAKER_01: 24:07

was going to say, have you got one of those old clicker labels? I used to love those. No, we know where everything is, but you can walk around. And also we've put these special vents in because it can get really hot up there. So when we had it boarded out when we first moved in so that we could put heavy stuff in there, they also said put these vents in. So the loft is all organised as well.

SPEAKER_00: 24:28

I love that. So, I mean, I don't do regrets and I get the impression you don't either. So I won't use the word regret. But is there anything that you... upcycle got rid of that you think oh I wish we'd kept that or is it very much the memories are in your head and in your heart and they're not attached to physical things

SPEAKER_01: 24:51

I think the latter, to be honest. And I think you have to do that because if you keep harping back to staff or you keep thinking, oh, we should have done that, then you can't move on. I think you have to draw a line in the sand under certain things. And even if you've made a mistake with something, you just have to go, OK, that was a mistake. We need to move on and do different things. And what we have found is that. the shape and size of the old house really doesn't suit the shape and size of this. So there's, there are things that we've had to give to charity shops or whatever, because they just don't number one, go in the house, different style or physically fit in the right place. You know, when you come around and look at house, you think, oh, that will fit there. And then when you actually live in the house and it flows, you realize actually that doesn't go anywhere. So, but you, I don't think you should regret anything. It's just, you know, the next stage. And what you need to do is make the home, as you want it now and as you want it to be for the future and not try and force old things in. It's like putting a square peg in a round hole, right? So that's never going to

SPEAKER_00: 25:50

happen. Absolutely. I would say it'd be quite an exciting time to actually shake things up. You know, I love shaking things up full stop. But to actually have a different feel or, you know, a different interior design, yeah, feel to the house.

SPEAKER_01: 26:07

Absolutely. And you have to go with it. And obviously the age of this house compared to the old house, totally different. So we've got a more modern and more modern feel in this house. And yeah, cleaner lines. Although we're just getting around to that because the decorator is sorting it out because the colours in this house were atrocious. But we've got a fresher, crisper look,

SPEAKER_00: 26:27

really. So what have you gone for?

SPEAKER_01: 26:30

Well, as you can see behind me, this bookshelf here was like a tan colour. So we've just had it painted white and we just had that media wall put in. So this is all new to this room. It was particularly empty. And then the rest of the house, which is going to have white and paints with, you know, those paints that have a hint of apple or a hint of. Oh, yes, I know. Yeah. so that it's not white but there's some color freshness in there and we want it to flow around the house because what we realize in the old house one thing we have bought from the old house is the fact that if you do that the house feels bigger and the whole house flows together and if you have totally different things everywhere then the house kind of comes in on itself a bit so that's what we've learned and also if we sell it in the future you haven't got your personal colors that maybe somebody else doesn't like if you've got quite kind of crisp fresh colors then easy for someone to move in. Not that we're moving yet, because we've only just moved in.

SPEAKER_00: 27:25

But then you can always, I mean, I love all the throws and cushions and rugs and paintings and things like that, that you can. So have you bought anything new as in, oh, I don't know, a painting or something. Yes,

SPEAKER_01: 27:41

I have bought a picture downstairs that came from a friend of mine who is a photographer. And she's taken some lovely photos. So we have bought that. But we're waiting to buy anything because we're having the painting done. And what we did was we put all our pictures out and we want to see which ones we like. And of course, we now got the loft. If we put them up and then want to change them, we'll just go up and change them. So we're trying to sort of think, oh, well, we might want to put a different one there later. so we haven't actually put the pictures up yet we're just waiting to see how it all pans out with the painting

SPEAKER_00: 28:14

as you say it's a time of experimenting though isn't it and just it's quite yeah exciting liberating really I love the fact you are embracing this new start and everything that it's opened up for you but another area going back to your um 22 things in 22 years. I love that. There were three things about your parenting journey that I remember you, you were thinking back on and three lessons that you stood out for you. And the first one was that you really felt that you'd always made time for your children. And I remember you saying, obviously the way your mum was, lived her life as a mum and the way you did were very different. Very different.

SPEAKER_01: 29:08

Yeah, my mum, she did work. She worked for British Gas, but she worked part time when I was young. But one thing she always did was take me to school. Then she went to work and then she always came to pick me up. So I always saw my mum at the school gates and every single day. So that was something that's always stuck in my mind. She perhaps wasn't able to do that for my brother and sister, but I was the youngest and a big gap and whatever, and times change. But I just remember her always being there and always being a supportive role. And my dad later, obviously, he took me to senior school on his way to work. So my parents were always around for me. And I felt that that was really, really important to be around for my children. So I always made time, even if I was working in the city, I would always make sure that I could go to assemblies and parents evenings and and uh christmas plays and whatever else they did um my mum always said to me don't ever regret not being around for it i mean i know it's sometimes in in certain uh people's careers this is a possible or at least it wasn't made possible but i was lucky enough to be able to do that so i made sure that i made time for the children um when they were young and i don't regret anything and i i have fond memories of being around for them even though it was a juggle at the time and i'd rush for the train to get back into the office or whatever it was It was very important. I mean, I did have nannies as well. But despite that, I didn't let the nanny go. I made sure that I went instead. So

SPEAKER_00: 30:30

I think you mentioned that Mother's Day assembly with your daughter singing the song.

SPEAKER_01: 30:34

Yeah. And then you should have a picture of me and then stand up and say, I love my mum because. And then she'd say, why? Then I'd be

SPEAKER_00: 30:43

like, oh, always that love. I've got a lump on my throat just thinking about it. Oh, my goodness. My baby's 23. And the other one, and I know we don't always do this, but we try to. You always made time to sit down and have a family meal together.

SPEAKER_01: 31:05

Yeah, it's something that my parents always did. I mean, my dad was a very, very busy, busy man in his career, but majority of the time we would all sit around together at the table and it's something that stuck in my mind. And so I always tried to make sure that the girls came home from school and, you know, as far as possible, we could have a meal together, even if it's just me sitting down with them, if Mike was busy or, but generally that would be the case. And definitely on a Sunday, we'd sit down and have a meal together. It's time to come together with what you've been up to talk about topics and various things that are on our minds and just have fun and just converse. And it's just a nice social thing to do. And I think in this day and age, it's perhaps not something that many families do. But even now, when the children live in different places, we always say, right, let's get together for Sunday lunch or come around for supper. And we still try and bring that together when we can. No,

SPEAKER_00: 32:00

I love that. And as you say, which brings... Because, you know, nowadays... There are a lot of phones involved and people's focuses can be elsewhere. And I know when we were chatting before, you know, social media, there are so many opinions of how we should be. And I don't do shoulds. But the third point you made, which I thought was quite provocative, but inspiring. Pick your battles about what you argue about.

SPEAKER_01: 32:31

Yeah, I think this generation or the generation that my children particularly are in, they are bombarded with a lot of advice, tips, information, social media content. You know, they're working with their peers, their friends, whatever. Everybody's got an opinion, basically.

SPEAKER_00: 32:50

Oh,

SPEAKER_01: 32:50

yeah. You know, there's nothing wrong with that. But our generation might... jar against some of that i think sometimes um maybe it's not the way we think or the way we perhaps do something or the way we perhaps say something and so there are times when you have to kind of remind them that perhaps that's not the right thing to do and i have to tell you they will remind you that you can't say or mum or whatever you know um i think there's a little bit of jarring going on and i think you have to decide whether that is something you need to have a deeper conversation about argue about or just let them be so yeah it's it's an interesting thing so my husband and I find ourselves listening to them more than saying something anymore whereas I think perhaps our parents we had a different we had a different relationship in that respect but I think it's because they are bombarded with information from so many places um and they're taking it all in and sometimes I think it's a bit difficult for them to to have a proper judgment sometimes

SPEAKER_00: 33:50

no it's so true and and It is the case that people will always make the best choice from what's available to them at the time. But, and as mums, it's not easy. I'm sure you'll agree with me on this one. That choice may not necessarily be the choice that we would make, but telling them they should do something, well, we know how I feel about shoulds, but it It's definitely, I think, pick your battles is very, very good advice.

SPEAKER_01: 34:26

Well, I'm going through a bit of a stage at the moment with my younger daughter who's engaged in getting married next year. And back in the day, I spent an awful lot of time with my dad organising my wedding and what have you. Whereas at the moment, this generation, they do it themselves.

SPEAKER_00: 34:42

Oh.

SPEAKER_01: 34:42

Long story short... There's some logistical situations within my daughter's wedding or the day of the wedding, which I immediately picked up with my operations hat and mentioned these to her. And she didn't want to know. No, that wasn't going to happen. Anyway, we've since been to the venue and the place where she's going to get married. And suddenly she said, oh, mum, I think we need to sit down and talk about the logistics of the day. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Really? Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 35:12

Yeah, that's fine with me. But I suppose I'm completely with you, but I'm supposing her head, she's taken your information on board. She's gone through it herself and then realised that maybe mum did have a point and we'll go and use mum's expertise now. But that brings me rather neatly, I think, onto just a recap of your three top tips for reinventing home or moving on when you move out of the family home and I think the first thing that struck me of your beautiful insights and thank you so much for sharing today because I hope listeners that even if you haven't been through a big move it might be something that's on the horizon and I think it is something that we just don't tend to talk about but one point that you made that I found really beautiful was the Don't assume how your children will react to the new home. Don't assume that they're going to not like it or that they're going to be like, oh, it's all changed because you said your daughter's reaction was quite different to how you thought it might be.

SPEAKER_01: 36:25

I thought they would be really sad and, oh my goodness, we spent 22 years here growing up and what have you. But actually, they were very positive and said, it's time for you, mum and dad. You have what you want. Of course, we want to come and stay. And of course, we want to like it. And of course, we want to be able to go out and about. But it is an area they know, even though it's a new house. And they actually were super excited for us to be here. And when they came to see it, they just fell in love with it and said, yeah, we can see you living here. and we can see us sharing more memories in the future with you in the same sorts of ways. So, yeah, they were super excited and, you know, very pleased that we've made this move.

SPEAKER_00: 37:07

Love it. And again, that leads beautifully, as if you're reading my mind here, into your next point that stands out, which is letting go of the old house and embracing the new. Because as you said, it is time to create a new space Not necessarily a new start, but a new stage, a new chapter.

SPEAKER_01: 37:30

Yeah, I think when we moved into the house that we lived in for 22 years, we were moving with the children and knew that there was kind of lots of school things going on and their lives and their friends and busyness, whereas this is now purely for us. This is really the life that's going to be convenient for us to get up into town, to go travelling, to get involved locally, to do up the house, make it ours. So there's lots of fun projects and fun things to keep us occupied. And yeah, I just think it's new memories will come with this house and and everyone will enjoy being part of that process and that journey

SPEAKER_00: 38:06

I'm so excited for you I really am and that the last thing that then that's stuck in my head is it's okay to miss something but not want it back so moving on your way on your terms

SPEAKER_01: 38:21

yes I think um Obviously, you know, you can't live somewhere for a length of time like that without missing it. And I do miss the neighbours, actually. We had a great little, well, it's in a cul-de-sac, really, but around us were great neighbours. And, you know, if ever you needed anything, everyone would help each other. But they're not far, they're down the road, but you make new neighbours and new friends. And it's okay to miss people, but they still stay part of your life. You just move on in a slightly different way. But again, it's part of life where you do have to learn to miss things and you do have to learn to move on. And, you know, this is the part of the time of our life when when, you know, we have to do this for us. And it's interesting, actually, when we were moving, people said, oh, you've been here so long or I would never move from here. And I was like, wow. But now we've moved, people are saying, oh, what a good decision you've made and all the rest of it. But at the time they were like, oh, we'd never move from here. Well, interesting. And now everyone else is in the same situation with us. The children are moving, they're moving on. And they're suddenly going, aha, we need to think about this now. So it starts a bit of a catalyst going that people start thinking themselves. But initially it's like, oh, I'd never do that. And then it's like, oh, actually, hmm. So it's quite an

SPEAKER_00: 39:36

interesting one. Oh, and that's what you've just literally highlighted the reason why I was so excited to have this chat with you on today's episode. Because it's not really a subject that people talk about that much. I think it's something that we might have playing in our head or that we might think, oh, maybe. But just by hopefully some of the women listening today, it might have prompted them to think, oh, actually, it is doable. Or, oh, maybe it is. something for me so no I hope I look forward to feedback about today's episode actually me too well before I let you go I have three questions for you Alex and I ask them to each of my guests and I always look forward to hearing the answers so I'm rather excited to hear yours so the first question is What is your midlife anthem? And this is a piece of music that when it doesn't have to be a song or it could just be, you know, an instrumental. But when you hear it, it just fires you up. And I love it, particularly if you're out somewhere and you just hear it randomly or you turn on the radio in the car. So is there a piece of music that when you hear it, it just makes you think?

SPEAKER_01: 40:53

Yes, absolutely. I think there's lots of music that really give me a fire in my belly. But I do think it is a brave move to make this move. And you have to, you know, sometimes people do it on their own. Sometimes I'm doing it with my husband. But there is a song. It's by a lady called Sara Bareilles. I think that's how you pronounce her surname. And it's called Brave. There's lots of other songs, but this one struck a chord with me. And it is a brave decision because you could easily just stay in the old house and not make any changes because that's easy but I like a bit of a challenge and I think you know you should take that brave step and make a move and then you'll look back and realise actually it wasn't necessarily brave but it's the right thing to do but it was brave at the time. Yeah

SPEAKER_00: 41:44

well it is it's that leaping out of your comfort zone isn't it and as I think we all realize that the comfort zone can become quite an uncomfortable place so uh change can be positive not necessarily easy but i wonder then what's your midlife mantra and is it a phrase you've heard or has it been inspired by someone else um

SPEAKER_01: 42:13

Mine has been inspired by my dear father. He was an extremely wise man. And I know everybody says that about their father, but he was pretty unique. So I would want to weave in a bit of wisdom, I think, in a midlife mentor. So I did have a think about it. And because of the journey I've been on, I kind of wrote a few notes and I've put, I've celebrated my life so far with strength and wisdom and I'm now making space and welcome my next journey. I

SPEAKER_00: 42:40

love that. Wherever that may take you. Exactly. I want a postcard. Watch this space.

SPEAKER_01: 43:05

I'd love to write a book, actually. And I think, who would read my book? I would. Everyone's got a story in them. But a lot of what I would write would be brought in with the upbringing that I had and the relationship I had with my father. But yes, so the title of it I put is Strength in Every Step, Carrying Wisdom into the Future. I

SPEAKER_00: 43:27

love that. I love that. And I love the tribute to your dad there as well. You're giving me a bit of a lump in my throat and I've got a bit of a cold today. I'm sure people have noticed. So I don't want to start coughing because if I start coughing, I won't stop. On to your wisdom then. How can the fabulous women listening connect with you? What's the best way? Obviously, I'll put links in the show notes, etc. But what's the best way to get in touch with you?

SPEAKER_01: 43:56

Various ways. I'm always on LinkedIn. So Alex Hughes on the LinkedIn there, and you can give them the link to that. Also have a website, Auxilium Business Consulting. So that's www.auxiliumconsulting.co.uk. I have contact details on there, the telephone number and email address, etc. Happy to chat to people. And I always give away 30, 45 minutes free of my time if people would like to have a chat and find out how I can help them. So I help small service-based business owners take a helicopter view of their business and get all their ducks in a by getting the processes and procedures watertight with sustainable solutions. And sustainability is that heart of everything I do.

SPEAKER_00: 44:34

Love it. Love it. And I can highly recommend anyone coming your way and check out Alex's posts as well. I say, listeners, I'd love to hear your feedback on this episode. Did it resonate? Does it make you start thinking? Does it given you itchy feet? Well, you can connect with me on LinkedIn as well or email me Kate at SecondSpringLifeCoaching.com or you can visit the Midlife Unlimited website, which is MidlifeUnlimitedPodcast.com. So, Alex, a huge thank you. for joining me today. And I think we did get raw and real. I loved your insights and stories. It was brilliant. And listeners, thank you for listening to Midlife Unlimited. And I hope you'll join me and my next guest next week. So here's to being fabulous and flourishing together. Bye.