Episode #018 How to Stop Existing and Start Living with Guest Andrea Rainsford: International Women's Day Special

To celebrate International Women’s Day on March 8th and its theme #accelerateaction, host Kate Porter is delighted to be joined by her friend Business Growth Mentor and Women Winning in Business Champion Andrea Rainsford to talk about How to Stop Existing and Start Living. 

As Midlife women we are often so used to putting ourselves on the back burner that taking those steps to come out of the shadows and shine in our brilliance can seem totally overwhelming. The result? We choose to stay languishing in our not-so-comfortable comfort zone rather than risk the fear of judgement, comparisonitis and fear of both failure and success that go hand in hand with taking that action we crave to turn our dreams into reality.

To be blunt, we are holding ourselves back.

Kate and Andrea are all about taking action in a way that aligns with us – with our values.

And Andrea has created a beautiful community to help and nurture women to do just that, giving them the love and support to grow together while uplifting and celebrating each other. 

There’s no sugar-coating in this episode, as Kate and Andrea tell it like it really is. 

The pair are advocates of the power of having these conversations. Of talking about how we really feel about ourselves and our business. Kate and Andrea are ripping of that I'm fine mask by covering topics from flakiness to being feminine and fierce, and Andrea shares her top tips for taking action as a Midlife woman on our terms.

After leaving the corporate world due to unforeseen challenges, Andrea had to rebuild not just her career, but her entire approach to business and life. Andrea shows incredibly openness and honesty sharing her story of how she faced two choices – to be victim or victor.

The reluctant leader turned her passion for connection, collaboration, and growth into her own business, dedicated to helping women thrive through affinity, support, and shared success.

Connect with Andrea

https://linktr.ee/andrearainsford

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:02

Welcome to Midlife Unlimited, the podcast for women who want more. I'm your host, Kate Porter, the midlife metamorphosis coach, and I know what it feels like to be stuck navigating the midlife maze. I've looked in the mirror and thought, who is that woman? So Midlife Unlimited is here to let you know that you are not alone. You don't have to put on a brave face and put up with it. You don't have to play it safe. Midlife Unlimited Unlimited is all about ripping off that mask and telling midlife how it really is, smashing stereotypes, busting myths and misbehaving because our second spring is our time to shine our way. So welcome to today's episode. Now, Midlife Unlimited, it's all about celebrating us in our gloriously perfect imperfection every day of the year. But with International Women's Day on Saturday, March the 8th, I wanted to mark this special day with an extraordinary episode. And when I was thinking of who I'd like to join me as my guest, one woman stood out. as one of the most inspiring people. I'm getting excited and emotional now. One of the most inspiring people I know who embodies everything that International Women's Day is all about. So I'm delighted to be joined by my friend and business growth mentor and women winning in business champion, Andrea Rainsford, to talk about how to stop existing and start living. Welcome, Andrea. I'm thrilled that you're here.

SPEAKER_01: 1:48

I can speak. I'm all emotional. Thank you. I don't even know how to live up to that. It's an absolute pleasure to be here, especially on International Women's Day, because we need to celebrate us. We need to stand loud and proud. We need to shout about how brilliantly fabulous we are.

SPEAKER_00: 2:10

And that's what you're all about. Now, the theme of this year's International Women's Day is... is accelerate action and I know you're with me on this because as midlife women taking action is blinking tough I think we're so used to putting ourselves on the back burner and it's scary our comfort zone is like oh we'll just carry on as we are but growth needs action doesn't it

SPEAKER_01: 2:40

I think we're getting straight into it today, aren't we? We're not messing about, ladies. We're saying it like it is. And Kate and I know how it feels. We know what the comfort zone feels like. It's nice. It's safe. It feels like, yeah, this business, like, isn't too bad. It's nice and comfy. I've got a couple of clients. I'm turning up. I'm doing a little bit of work every day. The problem is, is that inside of us, we all want more, whether that's money, whether that's freedom, whether that's, you know, whatever it is, more holidays, whether you want to travel, whatever it is, we all want more. And to achieve that vision, to achieve that goal, to get to where we want to be, sadly, you've got to put your toe out. You've got to dip your toe outside of your comfort zone. And it isn't very comfortable because hence why, while you're outside of your comfort zone. And that dipping your toe out takes some getting used to. And it doesn't feel comfortable. It doesn't feel nice. You feel like you're being stretched. You feel like you feel anxious. You want to run back. You want to hide. You don't want to show up. You want to go back to where it feels nice, safe and comfy. And because it feels so alien, because it feels so uncomfortable, we don't want to do it. And so Kate and I are here basically to say to you, we all feel it. We all don't like it. It takes a bit in getting used to. And one of my mentors said to me in the very, very early days, you've got to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00: 4:28

Absolutely. And one of the things I love about you, and there are many, you make this possible because you have created a And I'm delighted to be part of it. This beautiful, nurturing community for women. And it's all about, you don't have to be alone. And you're not about hard sell. You're about nurturing. You're about caring. And that is so rare out there. And I'm sure the women listening will have seen posts all over the place. Like, oh, I promised you this. I promised you that. And I think your main promise is that by coming along to your events whether they're your wonderful free online networking that was my first taste of online networking you'll feel welcomed you'll feel encouraged you'll feel part of women like you together and I think that's something that I feel so strongly that's why I wanted you on today I

SPEAKER_01: 5:28

think that

SPEAKER_00: 5:29

um

SPEAKER_01: 5:30

going from corporate into running your own business is a transition for many others. Some of us listening have been in corporate, some of us haven't. And when you get into the online space, and we all have to be in the online space, whether we have an online business or we don't have an online business, we have to have some form of online presence because that's where the relationship starts. It tends to start. If you do a lot of events, then obviously the relationship may well start then. But the one thing, as Kate has already mentioned, is that you hear all day every day about the six, seven, eight figure promises. Follow my blueprint. I can help you to earn X amount of millions in six weeks. We've all heard it and it may have worked for them. But it doesn't mean that it's going to work for everybody because we're all different. We've all got different strengths. We've all got different superpowers. We all work. We've all got different personalities. Some of us like hiding. Some of us don't. And I just felt that when I... We're going to talk about my story in a little bit. But when a life event happened to me, I needed a kind, nurturing space to come back to life. And... I created it for myself because it was what I needed. But then it became apparent that, you know, thousands of women did, you know, too. And like Kate said, there's no hard selling in my community. I decline hundreds of posts every day because what I don't want is a feed full of selling. I don't want the women to come in and wake up every morning to sales post after sales post because, yes, we do need to sell. And yes, we do need to tell the world about what we do. do but we need to do it in a kind of more connected way and that's what the group is about is that we don't stand for any unkind behavior we don't stand for any bullying or discrimination of any kind I've been told that you know you create very inclusive spaces and I sat down to think about it and one of my really good friends is Regina Martin and I asked her why do you think it's an inclusive space and she said she said it's just natural for you She said, you don't exclude anybody. And when I sat down and thought about it, it is obvious really, isn't it? It doesn't matter what your religion is, your sexuality, what your beliefs are, what the colour of your skin is, what sex you are. If you're unkind and you're not a very nice person, you're not a very nice person. I normally say, and I hope the ladies don't mind me saying this, I normally say, if you're a dick, you're a dick. And you can't get away. That is just the reality of the situation. And if that's the case, then thank you, but no thank you, you're not. I'd rather you didn't frequent my space because I want the ladies to feel safe. I'm asking them all the time, what do you need? What do you need to show up? The people that are lurking in the background, what do you need? We've introduced a buddy system for our events because I know what it's like to walk into a room where you don't know anybody and you can feel incredibly apprehensive and nervous and not wanting to go. That's normal, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00: 8:38

Yeah, absolutely. It's that whole, I like the word nervous-sighted, but it is that. We all get that fear of judgment. We all get that comparisonitis. And as you were saying, when there's so much banded around about earn this amount, earn that amount, you can almost start valuing yourself on your monetary worth rather than your actual, the woman you are and what you're bringing to the table, which is, priceless to be honest and I'm thrilled that later on you're actually going to be sharing your three top tips for how to take action and not just take action obviously accelerate action is the International Women's Day theme but take action that aligns with our values so that it doesn't give us the ick so it does feel right but first it would be lovely if you could share some of your story because you literally have turned and i'm going to swear now you've turned your shit into your superpower haven't you

SPEAKER_01: 9:43

i think we all we all have we're all going to have bumps in the road as we go through life we're going to have we're going to have lots of bumps in the road and we have to get comfortable with that and the only thing that we have control of is how we react to them That is the only thing in our control is how we react to those bumps in the load. And we can gripe, we can moan. And that's completely okay because we're allowed to gripe, we're allowed to moan, we're allowed to say it doesn't fare. We have to let it out and then we have to get back up. And when you have to keep getting back up, it's tough. And each time, I'll be honest, it does get a little bit harder. And you would be, you know, you'd be forgiven for thinking I can't do it because each time I've had to get back up, I've thought I couldn't do it and I've thought it's not possible. So I don't want anybody listening to think that it was just a case of I woke up one day and thought, yeah, I'm going to smash this and I'm going to do it. And it was just seamless from there on in because it wasn't.

SPEAKER_02: 10:50

I

SPEAKER_01: 10:52

had to have a word with myself every day. I used to have days at a time where I couldn't cope and I couldn't, I didn't want to get up and I threw my toys at the pram and I didn't think I was going to make it. But I did. What am I referring to? I had a fabulous career that I absolutely adored and I've worked in the business growth space for 32 years. Yeah. It became my life and it took over my life and it became my identity and I tried far too hard. I worked an 80-hour week because I was so obsessed with validating myself and making myself feel better through my work. So it was on to the next client, earning the next amount of money, earning the next million because I needed to validate myself and make myself feel better. It was never going to work. It was just the next thing and the next thing and the next thing. And the universe basically stopped me in my tracks and I had a stroke at 32. It wasn't just a mini one. It wasn't just a small one. I was in hospital for six months. I then had a hospital bed in my living room for seven years where I didn't sleep in a normal bed for eight, nine years. It's a very, very long time. Now, that is a hell of a long time to gee yourself up. keep yourself going, telling yourself that it's going to be okay. I think because I didn't know from one day to the next how long this journey was going to be and what was in store for me, I was able to keep myself going. If they'd have said to me at the beginning, you're not going to walk for 17 years, I'm not convinced that I could sit here and tell you that I would have fought as hard as I did. And that's me being brutally honest. If you think you've got a 17 year journey ahead of you, Would you be able to sustain it for that long? I don't know. But the doctor basically said to me, you won't walk again. And Ian, my husband, we'd only been married a year. So I feel incredibly sorry for Ian that we only had a year of marriage. And then he went straight into being my carer. And Ian had to do the things that no husband should have to do. When I say that I couldn't dress myself, I couldn't toilet myself, I couldn't feed myself. Ian went from being my husband into, you know, putting me on a bedpan. Washing me. It was tough. It's been incredibly tough. So when I look back and think I'm sat here talking to you today, some days I don't know how it happened. Some days I don't know how I've managed it. And so I hope that if you're listening to this, that you'll realize how amazingly brilliant we are. And even when we're in the toughest of situations, when we're sat there thinking that there's no way through this, it's just not possible. I hope that you'll listen to this and think, well, if she can do it, I can do it. Because I'm no different to you. I'm no different to anybody else. It was just sheer bloody mindiness and determination that I got through and I'm sat here today.

SPEAKER_00: 13:54

Well, a phrase that you've used before that I just love. It's blunt, but we need to be blunt. You can be a victim or you can be a victor. You've got two choices. And I think that epitomises the mindset. And I'm blown away how you managed to maintain that mindset. But I think you said to me before that you decided you had to use this as a building block. And if it was going to define you, define you in a positive way rather than wearing it as a badge.

SPEAKER_01: 14:30

Yeah. So there's a beautiful lady called Rebecca Mander. If you don't know Rebecca, she runs a business called Guru Coaching. And I heard a talk from Rebecca and she basically said one day, you're either a victim or a victor. I heard her saying it. I was still running. I'd started my business from my bed. Wasn't going back to work. I used to do an hour, two hours tops from my bed with a laptop trying to start a business. And I heard Rebecca say this. And we're coming a little bit back to comfort zones again, because I had people round the clock looking after me. I had carers coming in to look after me all day, every day. The government used to give us money, direct payments to pay carers to come in, wash me, get me up, get me dressed, get me fed. brought me up in bed, and then I'd sit with one hand and do a bit of work. That was comfortable. The next step was so uncomfortable, I don't really have the words, because it was moving away from, I need to do this myself. I've got to learn how to do all of these things myself again. I can stay in victim mode. I've had a stroke. I'm 33. It's not fair. I had my whole life ahead of me. We've only just got married. I wanted to have kids. I wanted to become a partner in the firm that I was working in. All that had been taken away. I could sit in that and I could tell myself how unfair it is, or I could stand up and say, okay, I'm still here. I'm still alive. It didn't take me. I'm obviously still here for a reason. I'm obviously still here to do something. That was the toughest fight I've ever had. was I had to stop people doing things for me I had to try and do them myself it took me forever to cut up my food it took me forever to wash myself and people would get frustrated Ian would get frustrated the carers would get frustrated because it was taking so much longer than if they did it but I had to do it because if I didn't do it I was never ever going to find my way back and so it It's a little bit like baby steps, like we say in business. It's a little bit like we say baby steps with learning to drive, with anything in life that's worthwhile. It's going to take you a little while. And it took me a little while. It took me a long while. But I had to keep telling myself every time the worries me came up, Every time this isn't fair, why can't I walk? Why am I falling over? Why am I scolding myself with drinks? The amount of times Ian used to have to come downstairs and change me because I dropped my drink all over myself or I dropped my food all over myself was ridiculous. But I had to go through that to get the other side of being a victim. And I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with it. You're allowed to be the victim for a little while. You're allowed to play the victim and say it isn't fair. But then there has to come a point where you say to yourself, as hard and as tough as it is, I've got to step out of this if I want better for myself.

SPEAKER_00: 17:39

What I love then, you just used a three-letter word again and again. And I think that's so powerful, the word why. Because I think the pivotal part of your story journey and I know the word journey is used so much but I think that why those three letters are what has helped you to take all this shit and create the beautiful community that you've created it's our why isn't it knowing our why and letting that drive us

SPEAKER_01: 18:18

I think sometimes you're not sure what it is Sometimes, you know, some ladies sit there, especially in midlife and think, I don't know what my why is. And I have a mastermind group that I absolutely adore and they are the centre of my world. And I sit with them and I say to them, let's look at your life experience. And I have to take them back pre-children, pre-husband, pre-partner to remember how brilliant they were in the jobs that they did. to remember how brilliant they were at school, to remember how brilliant they were at university and college. And I have to talk to them about their life experience and the things that have happened to them on the way. And then all of a sudden the puzzles start fitting together, the pieces start fitting into the puzzle and they realise that they're here for a reason and they've got a why and a passion that sits in the centre of the chest. But things like my stroke, like having kids, like your kids leaving home, grief, menopause, they all lead to you losing your identity. They all lead to you not understanding who you truly are. It's happened to me more times than I can care to remember. The amount of times that I've had to reinvent myself, I'm actually thinking about calling myself Madonna because, you know, she's reinvented herself more times than I've had hot dinners. And that is a fact of life, sadly. In midlife, you're going to find that you're going to reinvent yourself more times than you care to mention. And you're going to get fed up of getting back up and you're going to get fed up of thinking how many more times. I know I am. But when you've got that passion in the centre of your chest that doesn't go away, you're never going to be able to ignore it. You might be able to ignore it for a week, a couple of weeks, I don't know, a month. You're going to get back up at some point because it's going to drive you.

SPEAKER_00: 20:06

And it's that whole... curiosity isn't it and i always say the women i work with it's about unleashing the woman we deserve to be and not limiting ourselves thinking yes by taking that step it's going to be bloody scary and it may not lead to exactly where we think it's going to lead but that's not a failure that's just another opportunity that we can explore And there's so much talk of failure. And I think, no, no, no, no, no. It's not failure. It's just another opportunity. And again, it's all judgment. Yeah, sorry.

SPEAKER_01: 20:42

No, it's okay. I think failure, I think, you know, if I look back, especially over the last 18 months, I felt like a failure more than once, hundreds of times. And I'm lucky that, you know, Ian is still in my world. We've been married 21 years this year. And every time I'm... I can't do this. I can't see a way forward. I've failed. I don't... Because when you've got a goal and a vision and you've got a hurdle on your path and you can't get over it and you think, but that's where I want to go and I can't get there and I don't know how to do it and I don't know... And he always says to me in a very quietly voice, you've got this, you'll figure it out. And he just walks away. And I think that... When we haven't got that belief in ourselves, we just need somebody else by the side of us to believe in us. And that's why women winning in business is there. Because when you don't believe in yourself, when you're taking tentative steps and you've got your baby walker and you're not too sure, where am I going? Am I going to fall down? Am I going to get back up? That's what I want the group to be. I did a post in the group on Sunday, which I know, Kate, you've seen and you commented on that basically said, I don't want to face this week. I don't want to get up. I want to hide. I'm anxious. I'm stressed. I feel like I failed. It isn't going how I wanted it to. It isn't going how I planned. I just want to throw the towel in and walk away. And I put at the bottom, I don't want sympathy. I don't want advice. I don't want your opinion. This post is simply me showing up and saying, this is the reality of running a business because it is the reality. If we don't feel like that once a month, then we're not doing it right. You're not stepping out of your comfort zone. And that is the reality of the situation. So the more people that show up and say, this is the bare bones, this is the raw truth of what it's like, we then sit there and think, well, she shared it and she shared it and she shared it. This must be normal. So when I feel that way, It's OK because I can push on through to the other side because all these people are showing me that this is completely normal. And that is what we need to see. Not the success mask, not that I'm earning eight figures and I'm a great rip roaring success and I've got, you know, 50 million followers and all I have to do is show up once a day and put out one post. That isn't a true reality of what life is like in business.

SPEAKER_00: 23:17

And that's why, because this is what Midlife Unlimited is all about, having those conversations, telling it like it is, so that we don't feel that we're alone. And I know you've actually referred to yourself as the reluctant leader. But as you say, you keep going. And now, is it 11 cities you're now in? Yeah, I mean,

SPEAKER_01: 23:40

Women Winning in Business only started... just over a year ago and a lot of people don't realise that. And the reason that Women Winning Business came to be was because I got sick again and I found a tumour in my throat. Couldn't run my business. I was on a drip every week in hospital because the tumour was making me that poorly. It was putting so much crap into my system that I had to keep going on a drip to flush it through. And Women Winning Business came about was because I was in such a sad state. I was like, here I am again. I've got to fight back again. I can't do this. I just can't. I can't do it again. I've done it once. And it turned out that women needed that space as well. And they were like, we need to come together. So we started with empowerment days. We sold out three empowerment days. We have abundance in March. We have Flourish in June. We have Shine in September and Succeed in December. And we'd had to. And the ladies were like, the empowerment days were amazing. They sold out the minute I put the tickets out. And they were like, we need to come locally. We started off with Birmingham, London and Manchester. Then we went into Edinburgh because I was aware we weren't in Scotland. Then I was aware we weren't in Wales. So we went into Cardiff. And we only launched Birmingham last October. And we're now in 11 cities. And it isn't that I'm trying to conquer the world. It isn't that I think that I've got to be all over the UK. It's that I wanted to go where the ladies needed me to come. And the hosts that are hosting the cities had to be people that I know, like, and trust, and that I really value when we share the same values. And what I'm getting every day is messages from ladies saying, can I host Affinity near me? Because we need what you're doing near me. the beautiful soul that is Nicola Rowley messaged me on Saturday and said, I know you're not working at the weekend, but can I run an affinity in Surrey? No brainer. Because when I know somebody, when I've had, they've been in my world for a little while. So it isn't a case that I'm just putting my finger on the map and going, where do we come next? It's a case of where do you need us to come to? Where, you know, and, you know, it's not about bums on seats. It isn't about filling the rooms. um what affinity is about and affinity means a deep connection and kinship and that's the reason why I called it affinity it's because it's about having that deep connection with somebody the one thing that we don't do is 60 second pitches we don't so a lot of ladies are like well how do I sell what you know how do I sell what I'm what's in you know in what I'm doing in my business I said you don't and they look at me like I'm I've got three heads And I explained to them that having been in the growth space for 32 years, the biggest thing that is going to grow your business is connection. Because people are not going to hand over large sums of money unless they know, like, and trust you. They're not. I wouldn't spend any more than 200 pounds with somebody if I haven't met them in person to get a feel for them, to get a feel for their energy, to make sure they're the right fit for me. And business is changing. That is how we all are. It changed during COVID. It's changing back and we need to remember that. And so the ladies come in and they share who they are. They share their why, their passions, their stories. They share whatever's in their heart. Yesterday, I shared that I'd had a really tough time, that I was really struggling, that things weren't quite working out the way that I planned, that I was finding that my values were being triggered left, right and centre. And I was completely and utterly honest. And then it opened up an honest conversation around the room I haven't got any clients. I'm not earning any money. What do I do? We need those faces to put our hand up and say, I'm not earning any money. Can you help me? I can guarantee the women in the room will envelope you in a big hug and say, come on, how can we help?

SPEAKER_00: 27:38

No, that's so, so true because so often networking events, I've been to ones like this. You almost feel that you can't be yourself because you feel you should, and I hate shoulds, You should be behaving in a certain way to fit in. You look at everyone else and you think, are they judging me? And it's all about sell, sell, sell, buy, buy, buy. And I think this leads beautifully into your three top tips for taking action, because you've alluded here to the first one, and it is show up as you, truly you, your values, your isms, as you beautifully say, isn't it? Let people get to know you.

SPEAKER_01: 28:27

We think that people are going to judge us and we think that people are not going to like us if they see the truest. I think we've got to get comfortable with the fact that we've got good points and we've got bad points. We all have, every single one of us. We can't spend our lives trying to hide them so that people don't like us. We have to show up. The things that trigger us, the things that we don't like, the things that we love, there's light and dark with all of us. And by being brave enough to be yourself, to be your true authentic self, and authenticity is used all the time, but it is about being yourself because then you're surrounded by the people that share the same values as you and you're building the know, like, and trust by pretending, by putting the success mask on, What you're actually doing is you're going to have a superficial network around you because it's all built on the happy stuff, not the nuts and nuts. And life is good, bad and ugly. That's just the reality of it. We can't keep sharing the good without the bad and the ugly.

SPEAKER_00: 29:36

No, I'm completely with you because that's a lesson I learned very, very early on in my networking days, in stepping out of playing its ball with my own coaching and actually thinking, no, I'm going to let my brilliance dazzle. But it's exhausting trying to wear a mask, whether it's in our personal life or in our business life, trying to fit in. No. I just took the step and I thought, no, I'm not going to fit in. I'm going to do LinkedIn my way. I'm going to be Kate because I've got no one else to be. I'm going to show up as me. If you like me, great. If you don't, there's plenty of other people out there you can go and work with. And I think we have to accept, as you say, put the big girl pants on, be bold and brave, accept that we can't control what other people think about us. They're going to think whatever they want to think. Let's not waste our time and energy worrying about it.

SPEAKER_01: 30:33

We can't control it. We can't change what they think. We can't make people like us. And it doesn't matter if people don't like us. And I think I've spent a large proportion of my life. It's why I got sick in the first place, trying to be liked, trying to validate myself, trying to, you know, trying to live up to an unrealistic expectation. And let's be honest, I had a stroke. You know, does anybody listening want to have a stroke? I'm sure you don't. But, you know, yes, you're probably thinking, well, that's an extreme. But is it? You know, by conforming, by trying to be somebody we're not, by pretending, by wearing the mask, as you said it, aren't we pushing ourselves that little bit too hard? By being ourselves, by saying how we're feeling, by turning up and saying, you know, I'm having a really shit day. You know, I didn't want to get up this morning. I don't want to face my clients. I don't want to do any work. That is just the reality because we all feel like that. We're going to have all the days where we're sprinting down the road and we're like, yeah, I can't wait to take life by the horns. That is just the way that it is. And, and yeah, I think by not sharing, you know, reality, we're then living in an unreality that doesn't serve anybody.

SPEAKER_00: 31:56

And as we say, the title of this episode is How to Stop Existing and Start Living. And to live, we have to embrace the ups and downs because you don't really appreciate the ups without the downs. If we just go on one level, it would be very dull. Wouldn't

SPEAKER_01: 32:12

it just? Yeah. Wouldn't it just? How would we enjoy the joy if we didn't have the tough bits? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 32:21

Now, obviously, we're here celebrating International Women's Day, which ties in beautifully with your second brilliant piece of advice. We are totally feminine and kind, and I know kind is a word that is overused, but both you and I think it's a very important word. But we're also totally fierce, and I think sometimes we forget that.

SPEAKER_01: 32:44

Yeah, I think it came to me, and I put this in a lot of my posts, because my clients told me, and they said... You're so feminine. You know, people say to me a lot when I go to events, everybody wonders what I'm going to turn up wearing. So clothes are my armor and clothes have always been my armor because I need to feel good. I need to feel pretty, feminine, floaty. I need to feel all of those things so that I can show up in the world. So they think I'm feminine. They think I'm a bit fluffy. They think I'm a bit soft. but then they're like, you're proper fierce. And, and, and then it came to me that that, that is the kind of women that I, that I attract is that it's, you know, don't underestimate us just because we like to wear makeup and pretty things. I mean, you know, I call you twin all the time because we, we like, we like a bold lip. We like bold clothes. We've got the same brand colors. We wear, you know, great glasses. We've got a lot in common. And I think, you know, Don't underestimate us. Just because we look good doesn't mean that we can't kick your ass. And apologies for swearing, but my mastermind group will tell you, if they don't do the work and they don't put in the effort, they'll get kicked. Because it isn't about me kicking them. It's about, I want to see them fly. I want to see them thrive. I want to see them doing what they should be doing. And if they're playing small and they're not showing up and they're not doing what they need to be doing, then I'm going to be like, come on, we need to get underneath what's going on. What's the reason? What's the problem? Because if we don't get to it, we can't solve it and we can't move forward. And it's like Ian says to me, And it's true. He says it to me all the time. He raises his voice at me quite a lot. And I'm like, don't shout at me. And I get a frown on my face. And he said, it's the only language you understand. And he's right. Because I don't listen. Because I'm so blinkered and I'm so driven. It's like sometimes he has to change his tone to get heard so that I'll take notice. And when I sat and thought about it, it's right, isn't it? Sometimes we have to change our tone or our voice or our action to get people to take notice that we mean business.

SPEAKER_00: 35:15

But it's also, it's about message, isn't it? And I don't just mean messaging in terms of our social media presence. I mean, knowing what we want to say and then finding the courage and the balls to actually... say it and not worry about what other people are going to say. And that brings us...

SPEAKER_01: 35:40

If people are worried, if people are worried about showing up, if people are worried about saying things that they're worried about the backlash, come and say it in the group. Come and say it when we're doing business. Say it in a safe space. We have to get used to having the difficult conversations. We do. We're going to have to have a lot of difficult conversations. Kate and I started our chat this morning about a post that I've done about flakiness and is flakiness the norm? And there's a lot, you know, a lot of people are ghosting. They'll say they want to buy your services. Then they disappear into the ether. People buy tickets for events and they don't turn up and they don't communicate. Flakiness, ghosting. They usually happen. And I'm going to put usually in inverted commas because they don't want to have a difficult conversation. They don't want to say, I haven't got the money. I'm scared. I'm anxious. I'm worried what people are going to think of me. That's why I'm not showing up. We've got to get used to having those difficult conversations. And women winning in business is a safe space where you can have them. Because if I see anything that is unkind, they're gone.

SPEAKER_00: 36:48

No, absolutely. And as I say, we were saying flakiness. It's not just a reflection, well, as you said, to my mind, it's blinking rude, but also it's a reflection of our worth as much as how much we value the people that we're letting down, really. And it's all about knowing what we want with our why. But that brings us on to your third point, which I just love. It's like, yeah, you can have it all. Yes, you can.

SPEAKER_01: 37:24

I'm told every day that you can't. I'm told every day that the way that I'm living my life isn't possible. And that is us putting limitations on ourselves. It's putting those limitations in our mind, in our psyche before we even step foot out of bed. The imaginable happens usually when your back's up against the wall. And just when I was coming out of the stroke, I was starting to, I was trying to walk with two sticks. I've been in a wheelchair for a long time and I was starting to walk with two sticks. And sadly, both of my parents became terminally ill and they were both dying at the same time. And myself, my husband and my brother were on a road to looking after my parents. And so I had a window of two days in a week when we weren't looking after my parents when I could work. Ian had been made redundant. There was no income coming into the house. And so he tried everything. He'd applied for over 50 jobs and he just wasn't getting anything because he was classed as too old, which is really, really sad. You know, that's a podcast for another day. But my back was up against the wall and I had to earn and I had to pay the bills. I had to pay the mortgage and I had to find a way to do it. Cut a long story very short. My mastermind was born. And I earned the income that we needed in two days a week. The two days that I had free when I wasn't looking after my parents, I made it happen. And I made it happen because I had to make it happen because I had no choice. And it's the way that I live my life now. I do two and a half days. I've gone to an extra half a day because Affinity is taking up a little bit more time than I envisaged. But it's only going to be two and a half days for a little while. And then within a couple of months, I'll be back to my two days once everything works. is running the way that i want it to so you can have it all because what's enough money for you what what's enough money for you to live the life that you want to lead it could be five figures it doesn't have to be six figures it doesn't have to be seven figures it can be five figures it's what is enough money to give you freedom every woman every client every person that i help Your freedom's got to be first. What does freedom look like for you? And some of the women that I deal with and speak to, they're that busy hustling, pushing, striving, that when they have a day off, they've got no idea who they are and what they're meant to do with their days off. They sit there twiddling their thumbs and they're like, well, I need to pick up the laptop, I need to pick up the phone, because work has become such a huge part of who they are. They don't know who they are without it. And so... Freedom has got to be Pilates, walking, reading, binge watching things on Netflix. They have to be a part of my week before my clients are. Because living my life and all the years that I lost have got to be the most important thing. So you can have it all. I go on holidays. I've got a nice car. I've got I haven't bought my own home yet, but that is going to be a goal this year because obviously I lost the houses that I bought when I had the stroke because I was the main earner and I wasn't able to earn anymore. But we're nearly back where we want to be. And I have made it happen. I'm not interested in earning seven, eight figures. I'm interested in earning a consistent amount of money that I know is coming in so that we can live the life that we want to live. So my next goal is to try and get Ian into the business so that we can travel and we can do things from everywhere. So I haven't got to wait for him to have time off. I haven't got to wait for him to book holidays. He's not too keen because he's thinking there aren't any parts of my business that he would like to do. But we're trying to figure it out and we're trying to figure it out because it will give us more freedom. So in my opinion, you can have it all. It depends what your all is, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_00: 41:29

I love that. I love that. And that's a wonderful positive note to leave it on before we go into your three questions that you know are coming. Because at the end of every episode, I ask my fabulous female guests the same three questions. And as you say, it's all about living. And I think the three questions sum up how we live our midlife. So, and I don't know the answers, listeners, so I'm very excited about these. What is your midlife anthem, the piece of music that fires you up?

SPEAKER_01: 42:02

I don't know whether you're going to know this music or not. So some of you are going to have to go and look it up and play it. But it's called Angel in My Pocket and it's by a band called Change. And why is Angel in My Pocket my midlife anthem? Well, it was the song that when I met Ian, Ian's a DJ and it was a song that Ian played all the time. It's a bit of a house dance tune. And every time he put it on, I'd be in the middle of the floor with my arms above my head dancing. Then when I got sick and I started my first business, my first business was SEO Angel. And the reason that it was called SEO Angel is because my client said, you are a complete angel and we just need you in my pocket. And then obviously when I put my big girl pants on and I went back into business growth, which is what is running through my veins, My clients tell me, you are an angel that we carry around in our pocket. So it is a theme that has stayed with me for quite a long time. And it's a tune that every time I hear it, it makes me

SPEAKER_00: 43:07

smile. Oh, I love that story. I love that. Oh, I've got goosebumps. I do like a goosebump. I now want to know the second question was, What is your midlife mantra, the phrase that you live your midlife by?

SPEAKER_01: 43:26

There are three, actually, and I always have to be awkward. No, you're allowed three. They all stemmed from my nan. So my nan brought me up, my nan was my person. My nan was the matriarch that I think I get the fire in my belly from. And a few of them are sort of old sayings and... proverbs but one of the things she used to say to me is the universe is for me and so is everything else that is something that I say to myself all the time especially when things are tough the second one she used to say to me all the time and she used to be saying it to me and my brother when we were fighting is if you can't say anything kind don't say anything at all so kindness has been something that she's instilled in me from quite a young age and the third one is if you if you don't succeed try try try again and that has been something that i've lived by since most definitely since i've had my stroke because i've had to keep getting back up

SPEAKER_00: 44:25

powerful words powerful words i think i'm gonna have to start sharing because there are so many fantastic mantras that have come through the episode so far so i think i had to put something on the website just as an instant snapshot and i think i'm going to put all three of yours on there because i couldn't choose between them they are brilliant i couldn't choose that's why i'm no No, more the merrier, more the merrier. I love the power of words and I'm now intrigued. What words you're going to use for the title of your autobiography? And I want to read this. What would the title be? Walk, dance, run.

SPEAKER_01: 45:04

Just three words. Walk, dance, run. Kate and I chatted about, we chatted about dancing earlier on and Dancing is just something that I just, there's no feeling like it in the middle of the dance floor with your arms above your head, just losing yourself in the music. And obviously I couldn't walk or dance or run for quite a long time. It was debatable about whether I was going to walk again. And I think that one of the things through our lives is that we have to learn to walk many, many times. And obviously, I don't mean literally walk, but we have to reinvent ourselves. We have to get back up. We have to shake ourselves off and we have to walk the walk again. That is something we all do. But the reason that what powered me to learn to walk is that I was determined to dance again. And I only danced for the first time with Ian last Valentine's Day. So it's only been a year. I remember the post. It's still emotional. He took me to see ABC last Valentine's Day. It wasn't a band that I particularly followed in the 70s and 80s and 90s. But it turned out that I knew so many of their tunes. And we danced in the aisle together. And we both did cry. We never thought we'd get there. And now it's something that we have to do. The run hasn't come yet. And so it's, you know, it's International Women's Day when you're listening to this. The running hasn't come yet, but I've noticed it yet.

SPEAKER_00: 46:46

I think there's a

SPEAKER_01: 46:48

part of the autobiography that needs writing yet that hasn't, that hasn't, haven't quite got there yet.

SPEAKER_00: 46:53

It's one of my favourite words yet. Again, like why, just three letters, but. It can turn a negative into a positive every time. Oh, it's been an absolute joy having you as my guest today. Do we

SPEAKER_01: 47:11

have to finish? No,

SPEAKER_00: 47:13

I could carry on all day. I just love chatting. I say there's so many things I love about you. And I'm sure the wonderful women listening will want to be getting, if they're not already in touch with you, they would want to get in touch with you. So all your details are going to be in the show notes and on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website. But can you just say, give us a verbal talk through of how women can get in touch with you?

SPEAKER_01: 47:39

So obviously I'm on LinkedIn, Andrea Rainsford. I'm on Facebook as Andrea Rainsford. I've got a group on Facebook called Women Winning in Business, which would be incredibly welcome to join at the top of my LinkedIn and the top of my Facebook profile where you'll find my LinkedIn tree. And that's for all the links to all of our affinity events, our empowerment days, our online networking, all the links are in there. So come and join us. If the group isn't for you, that's absolutely fine. And it's not going to be for everybody. But if you feel like you want a kind, nurturing space, come and try some for size.

SPEAKER_00: 48:16

You'll meet me in there as well, because I absolutely love spending time with Andrew and all the other wonderful women. And I'd love your feedback on today's episode, dear listeners. So it'd be fabulous if you left a review or you can email or text me via the links and come and join the Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook group too. There's the link in the show notes and you can visit the website as well. And there's details of my exclusive VIP midlife metamorphosis coaching offers there as well. So thank you again for joining me, Andrea, today to celebrate International Women's but to celebrating us every day. Thank you for listening. I look forward to tuning in next week because remember there's a new episode of Midlife Unlimited every Thursday available wherever you listen to your podcasts. So here's to being fabulous and flourishing together and living Midlife Unlimited. Thank you so much, Andrea, for joining me.

SPEAKER_01: 49:18

Thank you, Kate. Absolute pleasure, ladies, and happy International Women's Day.

SPEAKER_00: 49:24

Bye.