Episode #025 How to Take a Deep Breath and Go For It as a Midlife Woman with Guest Sophie Garner

Finding our voice as a Midlife woman can be challenging. We’re so used to playing it safe, holding ourselves back. So how can we unleash the courage to sing our own praises? To step out of the shadows and own our Midlife stage?

Find out by joining your host Kate Porter The Midlife Metamorphosis Coach® and her guest Expert Creative Music Specialist Sophie Garner for Episode 025 as they talk about How to Take a Deep Breath and Go for It.

Sophie shares how singing became her salvation to overcome teenage trauma and self-harming. Describing music as her balm, Sophie explains how it has got her through huge life challenges and enabled her to celebrate firsts – from making history at the O2 to launching a widow’s choir.

Kate and Sophie discuss how turning 50 sparks realisation of the sands of time, and delve into discovering ways to make every precious moment count by nurturing our creative playmaker – on our terms.

And tune in for two rather special exercises that you can join in with too. Spoiler alert, there may be singing involved. 

Connect with Sophie

https://www.sophiegarner.com/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/sophie-garner-ma-voice-ped-phd-researcher-18997417/

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:02

welcome to midlife unlimited the podcast for women who want more i'm your host kate porter the midlife metamorphosis coach and i know what it feels like to be stuck navigating the midlife maze i've looked in the mirror and thought who is that woman so midlife unlimited is here to let you know you are not alone you don't have to put on a brave face and put up with it you don't have to play it safe. Midlife Unlimited is all about ripping off that mask and telling midlife how it really is. Smashing stereotypes, busting myths and misbehaving because our second spring is our time to shine our way. So welcome to today's episode. Now finding our voice in midlife is tough. We want to be heard. We want to feel listened to. And so many of the wonderful women I coach are tired of feeling invisible, like you're fading away into the background. And all the time, you're overwhelmed by the sand slipping through the hourglass. So come on, ladies. This is our time to speak up and sing our own successes loud and proud, to shine in our wisdom, to curate our own midlife So I'm delighted to be joined today by my fabulous friend and guest, Sophie Garner, expert creative music specialist, to talk about how to take a deep breath and go for it. So welcome, Sophie.

SPEAKER_01: 1:53

Oh my goodness, sorry, but that's just, that's how I start everything, just with a laugh, with a smile, because laughter releases endorphins and serotonin, and so that's how I like to start everything. It's so lovely to be here, Kate.

SPEAKER_00: 2:09

It's wonderful to have you, and I'm with you on the laughing, absolutely. I'm feeling buoyed, I'm excited for this one. Now, an alternative title for our episode could have been... how to sing till you're winning. Sorry, Robbie, we've twisted it a bit. Because singing has been your salvation, Sophie, hasn't it?

SPEAKER_01: 2:28

Yeah, it has. It's been like a plaster. It's been like a solve. It's been like a Vaseline for an open wound. From an early age, to be quite honest with you. I mean, you know, as children, we discover play, don't we, from a very early age. The mum sings to the child, you know, and like... and then the child laughs and we now know that the first four years of a child's life should be play and unfortunately that's a whole other can of worms that we won't go into here but you know school is implementing way too much in the way of you've got to achieve this children learn through play and social cohesion happens and they learn about their identity and boundaries And so then we start to sing and dance and in the playground to let off energy. And so that's obviously natural in all of us. And then we go on to start to become a bit self-aware and we stop that play because we have to grow up. We have to be the child that's seen and not heard, which is so archaic. And yet, as I've read recently, there are now communities when kids play outside going, we don't want to hear you. So it's almost like we're going back in time to that period of, you should be seen and not heard. And so I now make a living from the joy of singing and playing and teaching other people how to sing and play. And for me, that really... came into being in my teens however my very first role was playing snow white and the 30 dwarves because every child had to be given a part

SPEAKER_02: 4:21

so it was like

SPEAKER_01: 4:22

well we're running out we've done happy sad grumpy and then they had to have all these different names so that every boy and girl had a bloody part. So I was Snow White and I've got a really, you know, some of us don't remember everything, but I have this really visceral memory of standing at the wishing well, singing this song and thinking, I love this. This feels great. But then there was a long gap because I I really lost my way as a teenage tearaway. My mum and dad divorced when I was 10. I'm in that very same year, or should I say in the very same couple of months, we moved house. I changed schools because we'd gone from middle to upper. So I lost all my friends. I had to go into this big giant school and my mum and dad separated and we moved estates. So Everything that I knew was literally pulled from under me. And life was hell between the age of 10 and 16. And I had a very dysfunctional family life living at home with my mum and experience things that no child should ever experience. And I had to find my own medication, which became music. acting, singing and songwriting and poetry. And that's where I would disappear. You know, we're both wearing earphones in this podcast. I'd have my, I won a Sony underwater Walkman, which was yellow, like the jumper I'm wearing. And I won a competition on BBC Suffolk. And so I was 10 years old. And this is back in the day, obviously, Kate, before bloody mobile phones. And my nan and granddad picked me up to go to the caravan in Hemsby in Great Yarmouth. And I didn't know, but I'd won the competition. My mum had sent in a tape of me seeing California Dream by the Mamas and Papas. So this was really where everything kind of started. And I won the competition. And they read out on the radio and... I didn't know, and my nan and grandad didn't have the radio on, and so it was played, and it said, and Sophie Garner wins the underwater Sony Walkman. I never used the Sony Walkman in the bath. It never went underwater. But, you know, that's where I played. I started playing Eurythmics, you know, my sort of very early memories of being into music was Annie Lennox and seeing this orange hair and unknowingly that planted the seed for me like three years later to become a punk at the age of 13 and Paul Young I loved Paul Young so I'd have these tapes on repeat until they'd you know you remember the days where you'd have to get a pencil other pens are available yes absolutely and then you'd put sellotape over the top or the tissue in the bits to stop the recording and it would all it would all start to really pull because you'd played it too long. And then Janis Joplin was on the radio once and my mum was playing her tape and I went, who's this? And she went, that's Janis Joplin. And I just remember that was a bit earlier. I was about eight and I went, wow. And unknowingly, she really subconsciously had implemented her raw, visceral blues

SPEAKER_00: 7:50

voice. That voice is just gets me. It's so,

SPEAKER_01: 7:54

you know, you say that it's over, baby. And that really became a part of the driving force of the music I would listen to and eventually sing. But that Sony underwater Walkman was what really saved me because I put my earphones on and it allowed me to disappear and protect myself into my own world of music. So that was my, you know... That was my medication at the time. And I then, age 13, became a punk. I got a Mohican. The school said, you've got to dye your hair. I refused. I ended up walking out of school one day because I had enough. And I didn't return for 77 days. So I missed pretty much, you know, almost a whole year of education. And truant officers came round and And I did something really quite bizarre. You know, I work with, ironically, I work with teenagers now that self-harm and I work with children that have been abused. And I picked my feet until they bled so I couldn't walk. I had eczema from stress and my feet were becoming dry and sore and I picked them. to the point where they bled, so I couldn't walk to school, so I could stay off. I mean, I look back now and go, my God, that was like a form of, you know, self-harming, but it was, I went to that length to not go to school because, of course, I couldn't then walk. So it was like, my daughter can't go to school. So punk allowed me to express myself the inner creative, you know, the makeup, the Susie Sue makeup. I made my own clothes. I made a tartan skirt. You know, I had ripped fishnets and my makeup was so decorative and I would write songs. I've still got the book that I had at the age of 13. Oh,

SPEAKER_00: 9:56

wow.

SPEAKER_01: 9:57

And it's still in my bookcase and it's really tethered. And, you know, I look at it. I'm so glad that I kept it.

SPEAKER_02: 10:03

And

SPEAKER_01: 10:05

I, And what we write in our own hand is so powerful. And it's, it's why I feel so strongly about teaching singing and songwriting. And I did a lot of research when I did my master's degree on why pen and paper is so powerful and what happens when we use it. So to keep that and look at it as a document, is quite powerful and raw because, you know, there's a, there's a memory in there. It exists. And I'm holding something that I held at the age of 13.

SPEAKER_00: 10:39

Absolutely. It can't be

SPEAKER_01: 10:41

deleted. You know, like if you were to type it, which would be in a font, you know, aerial, and it's not your hand. So it's really so powerful to hold that and go, this is mine. I wrote it, which is why when I work with kids and, you know, brain injury and I teach them to write, they're like, I've put this on a piece of paper. It's real. You know, it can't be deleted. Even if they tear it up and burn and purge it, it's existed. So therefore it's real. They've said their truth and they can hold it. So powerful.

SPEAKER_00: 11:14

And you've actually got... Dear listeners, something rather special coming up. You've just given a little hint and a clue there later in the episode. So I'm so excited about this. And there is something else surprising coming up that I will be partaking of. I don't know what it is, but it involves vocal cords and, you know me, Sophie.

SPEAKER_01: 11:35

And

SPEAKER_00: 11:36

your mouth. Yeah. I'm partial to bursting into song anyway I have already been doing so in various episodes of Midlife Unlimited but before we go down there I'd like to I'd like to loop back a little bit because we've talked about changes and I know when we chatted before because I always like to have a little pre-brainstorm rather than going in cold I mean we've known each other for years but I don't know all my guests firsthand but it's always nice just to Have a little brainstorm. And we were talking about the big 5-0. And I know you said that hitting 50 was a real moment of realisation for you. And the hourglass and the sand analogy that I mentioned in the introduction, that was a phrase that you used about the sand slipping through.

SPEAKER_01: 12:21

Yeah, I've got an hourglass. that I actually, ironically, I got it so that when I was teaching young students, if I wanted them to do an exercise, I'd turn it. And then they'd have to do something within a certain amount of time. And my partner, Paul, bought it for me. It's really big. It's like A4 in size. And I looked at it and thought, you hit 50. And although, you know, we may not live to 100 now, I see it as a halfway mark and it's like the gloves are off. There isn't, you suddenly realise mortality like you don't in your 20s and 30s. You take it for granted. You drive crazily and you take risks and you take every day like it's a bag of sweets that you're just going to be able to go and get more. And actually we're heading toward, you know, without sounding morbid, we are heading ever closer to to the finishing line, whenever that may be. And so every day is precious. And there's something really special, I think, in realizing that. Because one, you go, I'm only going to focus on who... And what is important, you get rid of the crap, whether that's people or stuff that you've accumulated that no longer serves you and people that you don't resonate with. And as hard as it is and as cruel as it is, you have to go, I can't have this person in my life. I can't have this family member in my life because you don't fill my soul. I don't resonate with you. And while I might have put up with it years ago, now at 50, I ain't got time. And there's also a real releasing going, um, I won't say really bad swear words, but I don't give a flying duck. I don't give a shit what anyone thinks of me anymore. And I know you don't, Kate. I dress the way I want, although I always did as a punk, so I've never actually cared. But now, even though I'm more aware of, you know, what's going south and what's going grey and what's, you know, the parenthesis lines that are going, I... I don't care. And it's so liberating to go, I'm going to wear what I want. I'm going to say what I want. You know, it's like the poem. When I am old, I will wear purple with a hat that doesn't fit, you know, and purple, purple's my favorite color. Green's yours. And, and it is, it's, it's wonderful to just go out there and almost be even bigger. Yeah. It's almost like it's fun to be actually bigger than you are as if to go, you know, screw you. Because I can. No,

SPEAKER_00: 15:02

absolutely. It's sexy being that confident, isn't it? I find it. And sexy for ourselves, not for other people. It makes us feel fabulous for us. And talking about, you know, first chances are something that you think, oh, no, I'll never have that chance again. But when it comes to your story, there are lots of firsts. again and again it's something that's come up and i just thought it'd be fabulous to share and i know i know you're laughing because when i went through you're like god there are a lot of firsts yeah now the first one you were the first to perform at the o2

SPEAKER_01: 15:39

yes the first artist from the o2 arena not the small little nightclub on the side the actual main stage i beat bon jovi by a week

SPEAKER_00: 15:48

oh

SPEAKER_01: 15:49

I know. I was on stage with McFly and the Sugar Babes. McFly were pretty pissed off because they, you know, from a bio perspective, I mean, it's got me so much work, as you can imagine, because it's like, who can claim that? It'd be like saying I was the first artist at the Royal Albert Hall. I mean, you obviously have to go back a few hundred years. But, you know, to be able to make that claim is an incredible thing. And I've really, quite rightly, dined out on it. And it's got me a shed load of work. It was huge. I nearly fell off. It was so high up. That would have been a headline, wouldn't it? I know. Me at five foot. My God. But it was an incredible experience. And McFly went, you know you're going to be the first. I went, yeah, I know. They went, yeah, we really peed off. So that was great fun. Great fun.

SPEAKER_00: 16:38

And I've just got this image now. I can't get it out of my head. I'm going to have a moment. I'm going to have a moment. I completely forget what I was going to say. First. First.

UNKNOWN: 16:47

First.

SPEAKER_00: 16:48

And we've also spoken about changes as well. And I know 2010 was life just threw it at you, didn't it?

SPEAKER_01: 16:57

Yeah, 2010 was a diabolical year, right? So given that I'm 51, 52 in June, I have been singing professionally since I left school. It's funny, actually, just as a side note, you know, us saying firsts, I was last in terms of you know, school because I had the worst attendance. So I've kind of, it's juxtaposed. I'm having a menopause midlife. Where were we going?

SPEAKER_00: 17:27

We're talking about 2010. Yeah, 2010.

SPEAKER_01: 17:31

So see, this happens regularly in midlife as well, doesn't it? Oh, and I keep them in if you're happy. Yeah, because I am. I keep it in. The thingamajig, you know, the glass. Yeah. So in 2010, I was at the height of my career. And I had, I was in the middle of recording my solo album. So I was, I had management. My PR agent was looking after Shirley Bassey and Take That. And Jamie Cullum and Nora Jones. And, you know, this is expensive. This is a cost of 1,500 quid a month. And this is in 2010. And Paul, my partner, had invested... to the tune of£60,000 of his own money. It was either buy a house or invest in Sophie's album. And we decided that, you know, his love was that dedicated to me. We invested that money and in the middle of it all, I started noticing there was something wasn't right. My voice was starting to hurt. I was losing my top register of my voice, my high notes. And I went and had my voice checked and I... had basically fibrous tissue that needed to be removed under general anaesthetic. What I didn't realise is that I was going to be off work for three months and I had to have speech language therapy. I had to learn to talk and sing again. I lost my identity because my identity is I'm a singer. All of a sudden, not only can I not sing, I can't talk. I don't know what's going to happen when I come back. Am I going to get it back? But on top of that, We had no income. Our company was me singing. Paul did all the driving and the setting up of the equipment. He managed me. So we then were in a situation where we had no savings. all the money had been spent on the album. We'd set aside, I think about 18 grand for PR. So bearing in mind, it was one and a half grand a month. We had a big lead in for this album and you need it. You know, you've got to, when you're self-financing and you haven't got, you know, you're not signed back in the day, you'd have to have that money accrued. And of course what happened is we lived off that money. over three months, that money paid the rent, the food, the bills. When I eventually went back to the company to say, right, I'm now okay again. However, we've only got enough money for about a month and a half's PR. That one phone call changed everything. And they went, Sophie, we're dead in the water. We have no leading. We have an album that we can't promote. And I watched my entire career change in one conversation I went to a horrendously dark place because we'd lost everything it was bad enough that I was having to start to find my voice again you know it wasn't three months ended and la la voice back it was a long hard slog it'd be like David Beckham having to go and do the world cup with a broken leg that's what it was like the first few months I had a headache I was popping headache pills because I was trying to sing and I couldn't hit the notes that were second age to me I felt like a failure. I felt disabled and went to a really, really, really dark place. I was bitter and twisted for a good three years because everything that we'd paid for was basically, we might as well have flushed that money down the loo and, you know, really put a lot of pressure on our relationship, as you can imagine. And we got through it and it took me years before and Paul before we could listen to that album and not feel anger and bitterness. And, and it's still, you know, there's still times where we, we listen to it and we look at each other and it's like, because you never get that chance again, you know, that, that kind of money and all the lead up and the, the, the complex ball and strategy that is involved in that just, just went. And now I was a singer and, And now I'm a teacher that sings. So I suddenly discovered this world of teaching, which all just happened very much by accident. And I thought, oh, my God, I've never taught before. I knew a lot about the voice. You know, I knew how to impart that information. And I just fell into teaching in school with all these children that had a lot of issues. And this planted the seed, which then led on to teaching. to where I am now, which is, you know, 17 years on teaching at a really high level in all different arenas and communities. And I love it. And I still, you know, I still sing in gig, but I'm now a teacher that sings as opposed to a singer. that teaches, you know, and I, my days of touring now at 51, Kate, I don't want to be in the back of a bloody van. I don't want to be flying and having to, to deal with lack of sleep. And my ego has, has been fulfilled. You know, the hunger for that is no longer there. And that's a great place to reach at 51. I've got nothing to prove. I don't, I don't need to be adored, you know, and that raises all sorts of questions on why do people want to be, you know,

SPEAKER_00: 23:07

I have students. It's seeking the approval, the acknowledgement, isn't it? And as you say, normally we can trace that back and open up a big can of worms. But what I love, I mean, there are so many things I love about you, but this, no, because you've turned it around and it's led to yet more firsts and I'm back on the firsts again. Yeah, I know. The first widow's choir. Yeah. And I remember this happening. Do you remember it when I posted it? I remember you and Karen.

SPEAKER_01: 23:38

Yeah. How have you got such a good memory and I'm 51 and losing the plot? Don't ask me what I did yesterday. No, that's true. What did you eat? Who am I? No idea. Why did I go upstairs? What age am I? Where did I put my sock? Yes. My best friend, she's 50. She actually said to me, Sophie, how old am I? I went, we're not there yet, babe. Seriously, we haven't reached that point where we start going, when's my birthday? But she, yeah, that first. Where were we? I've lost it again.

SPEAKER_00: 24:07

No, the widow's choir. You used a beautiful phrase. Not only was it a magical, magical creation that you and Karen Sutton brought together, but you said, which I thought was very poignant, you almost felt like the elephant in the room being part

SPEAKER_01: 24:22

of it. Yeah. Okay. So what do I mean by that? I was in a room solely of widows and here's me, the elephant in the room, and I felt almost guilty about that here I am, they've allowed me to be in this room to hold space for the day. They're risking being here because I went round the room and I said, right, I'm going to ask you all in one word to say how you're feeling right now. And I always do it again at the end to see the difference. And for them to have kind of like, reflection on wow you know at the beginning I said I mean one woman went shit scared I went that's two words hibernate it yeah absolutely um hibernate it and you know most of them went I'm frightened I'm beginning to regret being here and I went and you've risked that you've never worked with me you've never met me and here you are about to sing and I went I'm here I haven't gone through what you've gone through I went you know I've gone through my own issues growing up of, of horrendous experiences, but I haven't gone through what you're going through and what really, you know, I was like, I'm not going to get upset. I'm not going to get upset. And Karen did this minute silence at the beginning of the day, she had a board up with all of the, the men that these women had lost and we had candles and everybody went and put a photograph of their husbands up on the board, which was such a powerful visual. And then Karen said, we're just going to have a minute silence. And the energy in the room and some women were getting really emotional. And I was trying to hold it back because I could feel this, you know, as an empath and somebody that deals with people's mental health and, you know, people that have had real real horrendous losses it i just opened my eyes and then she went and now i'm going to introduce sophie and i just cried i went i'm so sorry everyone i went that's just really touched me and and i didn't realize it but in that moment a couple of women afterwards said you showed your vulnerability and we all just fell enough with you because you became one of us because you felt that loss and you you basically embraced us without even realising you had right from that first minute. And by the end of the day, it's like I'd made friends and I'm now, you know, running a widow's, I'm running the first Cambridge Widows Choir from two lovely women that I met on that day. And it's just, I was knackered. I spent two days in bed after that event, Kate, because I gave everything I squeezed like a sponge and it was it was the most bizarrely it's one of the most nervous events I've ever done because I was going into the unknown with a group of people that I'd never taught and you know I've taught I've taught people at the top end of Glaxo you know with executive coaches I've in front of thousands of people but this was so close and personal and I didn't want to mess up I wanted to get it right I didn't want to screw up and the cost of that was great and so I went in wanting to make it okay and I did as far as they were concerned and it was a beautiful beautiful day I felt honoured it was an honour to do it and I felt humbled Really humbled. It was beautiful. And such incredible women. But women together, powering each other. And, you know, they sang, Karen put it live. We went live on Insta and Facebook and people were zooming in from America. There was a woman there that had flown over for the event from America and friendships were formed. We went out in the evening, dancing and singing. And here I was again, my God, I'm the elephant in the room and they just embraced me. And we just, we had such a brilliant time, you know, it was beautiful, really special moment in my career. I love that. There's odd moments, and that was one of them. That was one of

SPEAKER_00: 28:43

them. Oh, there are so many things I want to talk to you about.

SPEAKER_01: 28:46

Go for

SPEAKER_00: 28:47

it. So that was another

SPEAKER_01: 28:49

first.

SPEAKER_00: 28:50

Yeah, yeah. And we're going to go now, I think, from a first to a triple. Because... What? I know. Your three books. Oh, right. God, yeah. Now, we're building towards the something rather special. I think there's actually two things rather special we're going to be doing later on, listeners, so... if you're ready for them. But first, now, if you just give us a taste, because obviously all your contact details and details of your books will be in the show notes for the episode and on the Midlife Unlimited website. So don't worry, listeners, you don't have to start taking notes now. It'll all be easy to find. But can you just give us an overview? Before we go into something rather special, can you give an overview of your books and the creativity and the playfulness that underpins them all? So

SPEAKER_01: 29:42

the three

SPEAKER_00: 29:42

books

SPEAKER_01: 29:43

I've got to do, I've got to do a song because everything is a song in my head. A, B, C, easy as one, two, three, simple as do,

SPEAKER_00: 29:51

re, mi, A, B, C.

SPEAKER_01: 29:55

I've got you singing already. Do you see how clever that was? Brilliant. It doesn't take much of me. You've got great tuning. Just look at what you did. A, B, C. Easy as one, two, three. You're brilliant. You've got great, great tuning. You should see my moves. You could be in my choir. You're not near. Oh, my goodness. There's a way. I know. Where there's a will, there's a song. So these three books, as you know, we all went into lockdown. 2020, March. And again, another like, you know, in the space of one moment. all my work went it was like a tsunami i got the first email hi sophie the wedding's been cancelled because um we've just gone into lockdown and i was like all day it was just sophie you can't come in to run your choir sophie you're not going to be able to come in to do the brain injury unit sophie i can't come to you for singing lessons you know and in terms of money i was watching all of this and Paul's like, Sophie, we just had another email. I went, the shit's hit the fan, isn't it? He went, yeah, this is real. And it was, I remember we just opened a bottle of wine and just sort of sat and went, what are we going to do? How are we going to pay the rent? You know, it was a bit like being back there again in 2010, except for it was happening to the entire country. So I thought I either rock in a corner, and go woe is me or I get off my backside and I do something and creativity. So here we go again, creativity came in and saved my ass because I'd been, I was in the middle of my master's degree. Well, no, sorry, that had, that had finished in 2019 and we were about to have our big graduation. The, That was meant to be in June, but of course that got cancelled because of lockdown. So I was looking forward to the scroll and the hat, throwing the hat up in the air, which I dreamed about for the previous four years of the MA. And I thought, right, I'm going to take all my research that I had studied in the first year of the four-year MA in what was basically a workshop training day for teaching kids to sing. So I took all that information and And I wrote my first book, The Creative Songwriting Journal. I thought and I every year, you know, people do this now. They set themselves an affirmation or a word of the year. And I've been doing that for years. But I decided and I always do this. I get a piece of paper and I write down an affirmation. I write the things I want to achieve and I sign and date it. And I keep it in my diary and I get it out and I read it and I power that up because, you know, the whole kind of manifestation thing, it's now been scientifically proven how it works. And so I just, I manifested this and then I took it out of my diary because I thought I can't go out anywhere and I kept it by the front door. So I'd read it every day and I went, I'm going to publish this book by December. And I did. So I published that in December, wrote book number two in March the following year. So that was then a year to pretty much the dot of going into lockdown. So in 2021 March, I released If You Can't Say It, Sing It. Then I had my MA graduation finally three years later. which was weird, but we needed it. We needed that to be able to go, we've done it. And then last year I published book three, which is my first book for adults, specifically for women, reawakening the creative playmaker, which is a book for women in basically reconnecting them with the inner child that was told to stop playing, sit still in their chair and be quiet because kids should be seen. and not heard. And that's been amazing. And I've now got workshops, I've got an online training course, retreats, all based around that and ideas to take that further afield. So it's been a real journey. And when I look back at that book one and think when I wrote that and where my mental health was, that book is quite a powerful thing. It's like, it was the first baby and It was more than just a book. It again was my, it was my medicine because I had something to do for the year and we all needed a goal, whether it was making cakes or, you know, doing an online challenge. And that, that, that became my, my, my balm, for want of a better word. So the three books published. I love

SPEAKER_00: 34:44

this. And before, and before we do get to our something rather special. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Little drum roll, please, listeners, because Sophie's got something rather more, not more exciting, but something else exciting when it comes to academia on the horizon. What are you

SPEAKER_01: 35:04

up to now? Well, Kate, because, you know, doing a master's degree, of course, wasn't enough. No. I needed to go one stage further. So in the future, I'm not sure what date, but Kate will be going. And here we have our guest. dr sophie k garner phd

SPEAKER_00: 35:26

i'm so excited i'm starting my

SPEAKER_01: 35:28

phd in two months mad i know but my professor went sophie do you fancy doing your phd with me and i went it's not really a question you're making serious i went this isn't like do you want tea or coffee this is a big deal she went you you could do it you could do it so i said yeah I'm financing it. I'm financing it myself, Kate. And it's going to be, I've got to write papers. So I've got to be all sensible again. But it will really raise the seriousness of where I'm invested, the seriousness of what singing, songwriting does, rather than just, oh, you know, it makes you feel good. No, it's way more than that. And I can do research with all the places I work. You know, I'm already working in the clinical setting with Headway. with brain injury. So there's no ethics to get through that will be difficult because they're on board. So I'm going to be carrying out real proper academic clinical research. It's really serious.

SPEAKER_00: 36:30

No, I'm so excited for you. I really am. And you're going to actually now share the first of your brilliant work. Exercises, is that the right word? Because often my guests now will share their top tips, but I thought, no, Sophie, you're not going to share top tips. You're going to actually take it one step further. Let's get physical, physical.

SPEAKER_01: 36:54

Let's get physical. Cake it in a physical. Let me hear your voice talk. Right, young lady, what do you require of me? Right, darling, I've got something up my sleeve. Okay, so... Listeners, if you are listening, you might want to turn your volume down very slightly. Or if you're somewhere where you've got a dog or a cat that's likely to be scared, turn down. So, Kate, I want you to make sure that your legs are hip width apart and you're really sitting straight in your chair. Listeners, you don't want to be slumped. You can do this standing as well. If you are standing, it will be far more empowering for you. Now, this is something that you could do in your car, but you'd have to have to have the window open. So this is going to do a couple of things. One, it's going to really increase your lung capacity. Okay. Because you're going to be opening up and we spend a lot of time almost apologizing, bringing our shoulders in, you know, I'm sorry for existing and especially, how can I put this I'm just going to say it I've got really big boobs and we'd spent a lot of time yeah and and you know we'd spend a lot of time in our younger years almost oh look Sophie's the first one in the school to wear a bra yeah me

SPEAKER_00: 38:15

too

SPEAKER_01: 38:16

yeah yeah I was a bloody d-cup like at the age of blooming um 12 I think and and it was a safe he's got a brown and especially now

SPEAKER_00: 38:26

12 12 months of breastfeeding 20 odd years ago as well

SPEAKER_01: 38:30

yeah you're not gonna wanna go look at this it's like oh my god please and we we do that it's almost apologizing isn't it so you're gonna increase your lung capacity you're also going to be getting a hit of endorphins to your brain and serotonin the feel-good hormones because of what you're going to be doing so literally I want you to imagine you almost are Julie Andrews on the top of a mountain. And if you close your eyes and actually visualize this, it will power up the exercise. So you know, visualization is a very powerful tool. So you're literally going to now be Julie Andrews on the top of a mountain, okay? and you're gonna do this. So here we go. It's gonna be loud. You're gonna take a breath in through the nose with the mouth shut. So you're gonna breathe in through the nose and on an out breath, you're gonna now bring your arms out to the side and go. But you're singing that to yourself. so you're saying that to yourself okay unapologetically you're going to open up your arms and literally as if you're going to push back for some people this can feel quite vulnerable because think about it when do you ever do this when you know you do it if you hug someone you know people at the airport go oh my god but we very rarely open up our arms we do it in yoga it's a power pose as well isn't it it is it like like parting the legs you make yourself larger than life but it could be it's really confidence building but a lot of people find this quite vulnerable because you're going this is me look at me you know you're bearing your your your breast your soul we often you know when we're in defense we cross our arms you know we we protect so we're going to do that again so now if am i doing it with you Yeah, you're going to do it with me. I'll try to knock the microphone over. No, don't be silly. If you're standing up at home, I want you actually to part your legs now. So almost like you're like a starfish. OK, so really, really solid. You could slightly bend your knees and then straighten up. OK, you're on that top of the mountain. You're breathing that gorgeous Swiss air. It is Switzerland, isn't it, where she is? Isn't it, Julie Andrews?

SPEAKER_00: 40:50

Or Austria.

SPEAKER_01: 40:50

Austria, sorry. Austria, yeah. It is Austria, you're right. So, you're going to close your eyes. You're going to breathe in through the nose, mouth closed. Breathe in through the nose. And arms out. And I will always love you. And then bring your arms back to your chest, that heart centre. And you've just said that for yourself. And I will always love you. To you. Because we rarely do it. We tell everyone else we love them. But it's that it all starts with self-love. And you could just you could do that when you wake up. If you do it in front of the mirror. Boy, oh boy, is that powerful. And that, again, could be really hard for some people. You know, we all look in the mirror to do makeup, but have you sat in front of the mirror, listeners, and just gone, I really love you. You mean the world to me. And people can break down doing that. Isn't it weird? We sit in front of a mirror. We're sitting on Zoom now looking at each other. But to actually sit on your own and just stare into that mirror, into your eyes and go, I absolutely love you. And I'm here for you. It's a big thing.

SPEAKER_00: 42:09

That's what underpins literally my midlife metamorphosis coaching and why I mentioned in the intro to Midlife Unlimited, because I've looked in that mirror and I've thought, who the heck are you? I don't like you. I don't know you. And to bring that round to how I feel now about myself, perfectly imperfect. When did you used

SPEAKER_01: 42:29

to do that? At what period of your life did you look in the mirror and feel that and

SPEAKER_00: 42:35

say that? Oh, well, my mid early to mid 40s, I was just like, who the heck are you? And that's what started my whole coaching journey, my own transformation. But no, I've got quite emotional. Oh, scary is really scary because we

SPEAKER_01: 42:52

live with ourselves. And yet so many of us, we know ourselves through other people's eyes.

SPEAKER_02: 43:00

Yeah,

SPEAKER_01: 43:00

but there's a saying, I can't remember who said it. And it's be certain who you are, otherwise other people will decide it for you. How powerful

SPEAKER_00: 43:11

is that? And now I don't give a toss what other people think of me. Me neither. I haven't got the time or the inclination to waste on worrying about what other people... If you love me, great. If you like me, great. If you don't,

SPEAKER_01: 43:25

fine.

UNKNOWN: 43:26

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01: 43:27

It's like waiting for a train. If you're going to be late, I'm off. And it's like that with people. How amazing that you're in that place now, because that must have been frightening for you.

SPEAKER_00: 43:36

It was just discombobulating, isn't it? But that's why I'm so passionate about helping women that are feeling like that. But we're going to move now on to your second exercise, which, again, is all about making a commitment to yourself. and being accountable to yourself. Like you were saying, that's so important. So for this, you can listen back on replay, but you need a blank piece of card. Is that right, Sophie?

SPEAKER_01: 44:05

It can either be paper or card. Ideally, something that you... If it's card, it's brilliant because you'll keep it, you won't bend it. So ideally, if you could cut something at credit card size... So, you know, slightly bigger than a business card. That would be amazing. If you're a stationery edit like me, then get something that is, you know, really beautiful quality. You might, if you're like me and you craft a lot, you might get a gorgeous coloured piece of paper. but you've got to be able to write on one side. So this is what I want you to do. And it has to be paper and pen. And this goes back to what I was saying earlier, Kate, about the research I've done into using your own hand. So you think of an idea in your brain, it goes to your hand, and then you implement that into something physical that exists. You've then made a commitment. Whereas if you type it, you press delete, it is gone it never existed you empty your bin on computer no one ever knows where if it's on paper you tear it but it's existed so what i want you to do is you've got to give this some thought so this has to be financially possible and feasible and it needs to be physically possible so you've got to pick something that you're going to commit to within the next month Something you've never done before that you are going to do alone that doesn't involve your phone. So for instance, and I write about this in my third book for women, it could be sitting down and doing some origami. It could be going out with a paintbrush and a notepad and painting a bird. It could be collecting leaves, sticking them in a book. It could be writing a poem. It could be going swimming. It could be having a lesson in art. It could be going to a cookery school. It could be knitting. But it's got to be you on your own. It can't involve another person. It can't involve a phone. And it needs to be something for at least an hour minimum.

SPEAKER_00: 46:24

Oh, I love that. I've just had an idea as well. Now, I think you're in the Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook group. If not, I think, yes, you are. Of course you are. What we could do, if you're listening and you think I'm going to do this, come and join the Facebook group and let's have a little thread going on about what we've actually said we're going to do. I'm thinking a little herb garden. I feel a herb garden coming on. Really? Have you got space for one? Well, if not, I might actually make... A box? A box. A hammer? No? Could you do a window? Have you got a window box? I could do something like that. I feel a nice herb box ready for like salads and it will smell gorgeous. So

SPEAKER_01: 47:09

you could literally, so for that, and we did it in our garden, just get your basil pot, plant it outside in a bigger pot. It will go insane. Rosemary will go insane quickly. You will never have to buy another basil. Now is the time. Now we're getting warmer. We literally, it grew so much, we had to put it into three different pots We didn't need any basil from shops in the summer. I'm feeling inspired.

SPEAKER_00: 47:35

I'm

SPEAKER_01: 47:35

feeling inspired. And it's green, you see. Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_00: 47:39

So, yeah, come and join the Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook group and let's start a thread. Let's cheerlead each other. Let's encourage each other. That would be

SPEAKER_01: 47:48

amazing. But most of all as well. Do you know what people could do, Kate? They could actually take a photograph.

SPEAKER_00: 47:53

Photo, put it in there. To make them accountable. But most of all, we're holding... Yeah, we're making ourselves accountable, but we're all here because we're not, you don't have to be alone. Now to finish off, we're talking about creativity. Before we get to your three questions that you know are coming, because I ask each fabulous female guest the same, you have something rather special, not one last thing because your answers are going to be special, to share with us all. So over to you, Sophie.

SPEAKER_01: 48:20

okay so you can't see this everyone but i am holding up to the screen a gorgeous piece of card obviously it's physical because i love stationery i wrote this originally for children in lockdown and then i got it printed up onto a full card i then gave a copy to my next door neighbor for her son who has ADHD. And she went, oh my goodness, Sophie, she went, I'm having that for myself because it applies to adults. So when I read this out to you all, I want you to see and hear this in your mind with your child you and your adult you, which kind of brings us all back to being the creative playmaker that is the child that shouldn't ever grow up because there is a saying, we're all eight-year-old children internally. So here we go. It's called A Poem for Me. I want you to close your eyes, everyone, as you listen to this. A Poem for Me. A full-time job taking care of me. There's so much to learn. Responsibility. Some days are hard, but I never give in. I never give up, even if I don't win. I just close my eyes and take a deep breath. And as I breathe out, I say to myself, I am enough, just as I am. Every day, doing the best I can. My glass isn't empty. It isn't half full. My glass is overflowing. That's my number one rule.

SPEAKER_00: 49:54

I love that. That is beautiful. Thank you. Thank you, darling. And now your three questions. You don't escape. So, yes, for those listeners who this is your first episode and I hope it's a bit of a baptism of fire.

SPEAKER_01: 50:11

Great. I

SPEAKER_00: 50:12

love it. And the questions are

SPEAKER_01: 50:13

brilliant.

SPEAKER_00: 50:14

Right. We're going to start with your first question. And I'm so excited about this. What is your midlife anthem? The piece of music that fires you up, Sophie?

SPEAKER_01: 50:32

I'm a fire starter! Twisted fire starter! I'm a fire starter! Twisted fire starter! By the wonderful prodigy, the late, great Keith Flint. I saw them before he died. That, because I'm I'm known as the five foot fire starter with the red hair. And because of what I do when I go and meet people, it's like a flame coming in the room. That for me fires me up. I play it at least three times a week in my car on full blast. And it just raises my energy. I love it. Wakes me up. It makes your heart pump, doesn't

SPEAKER_00: 51:10

it? Just listening to it.

SPEAKER_01: 51:11

It does. I love drum and bass and the Prodigy, one of my favourite bands. So that had to be that.

SPEAKER_00: 51:16

Oh, no. Rather special. Rather special. They were,

SPEAKER_01: 51:21

yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 51:22

I want to know this next one now, then. Now, I get a feeling you've been rather creative with this, as you are a very creative soul. So what is your midlife mantra, the phrase that you live your midlife

SPEAKER_01: 51:35

by? See, this is a really interesting question, Kate, and these questions are brilliant. You know, I've done a lot of podcasts, but you really... You really make people have to go deep with what they think about. And these are great questions. And I actually thought, you know what? I'm going to make something up for myself rather than draw on a famous phrase or affirmation that great writers have done. And I actually had to ask my brain, what was it I said? So this was it. The only approval you need is your own. Sometimes ignoring her is also sometimes the best decision. I'll say that again. The only approval you need is your own. Ignoring her is also sometimes the best decision. In other words, get out of your own bloody way. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 52:33

Oh, we can put so many. Yeah, we can put so many limits on ourselves. We can stop ourselves. And again, you just summed up everything that Midlife Unlimited is about. It's about living unlimited life. knowing that there are no limits and when we come together, there's no limit to what we can achieve. So, and thank you for your very kind. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

SPEAKER_01: 52:58

no, no, no, no. There's no limit. So everything is a song in my

SPEAKER_00: 53:04

head. I can't help it. Absolutely. Right. Not a song, but still creative again. The third question, Sophie, what is the title of your autobiography?

SPEAKER_01: 53:17

Okay, I've kind of almost alluded to it previously. The five foot fire starter. Oh, yes. That is. Because unstoppable. And when you build, when you stoke a fire and the flames build, you're going to be seen, you're going to be felt and you're going to hear the crackles. Now,

SPEAKER_00: 53:41

there is going to be so many wonderful women out there who want to get in touch with a five foot fire starter. How can listeners contact

SPEAKER_01: 53:50

you, Sophie? So my website, sophiegarna.com. S-O-P-H-I-E-G-A-R-N-E-R. That's the best place. Or, and we didn't even touch on this. I totally forgot about this. If they're interested in contacting me via my charity, I set up a CIC. Oh, no, that's my CIC. I totally forgot. No, it was on my list as well. It was on my list. I totally forgot about my CIC. That's called takeadeepbreath.org.uk. I even bought the trademark. Because we all, we take a deep breath and we go, oh my God, I could do it. And it infiltrated.

SPEAKER_00: 54:27

And that's why we chose the title of the episode as well. So sorry, little. We're hilarious. All the contact details will be in the show notes. And as for me, well, I'd love your feedback on today's episode. So it'd be fabulous if you could leave a review. or you can email me or text me via the link in the show notes. Come and join the Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook group. You've got to do that now for the challenge. Again, link in the show notes. And there you'll find the website details, where also you'll find details of my Midlife Metamorphosis VIP coaching offer. So thank you for joining me today, Sophie. It's been an absolute joy. I knew it would be. I knew it would be. But you've exceeded it. You've exceeded my expectations. Thank you all for listening. And I look forward to you joining me next week. Don't forget Midlife Unlimited has a new episode every Thursday available wherever you listen to your podcasts. So here's to being fabulous and flourishing together and living midlife unlimited. Thank you, Sophie. You're a superstar.