Episode #026 How to use Writing for Wellness as a Midlife Woman with Guest Cary J Hansson

Do you ever feel like you just want to hit the pause button? That despite your best laid plans, life seems to have other plans? That you are losing control?

You crave to stop that endless swirl of thoughts going round and round your head – threatening to overwhelm you and undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem as our Inner Critic goes into overdrive.

Writing is a powerful self-care tool. Putting our thoughts on paper. Getting them out of our head. Not overthinking it.

So find out more by joining your host Kate Porter The Midlife Metamorphosis Coach® and her guest Best-Selling Author of the Midlife Novels Series and Writing for Wellness Coach Cary J Hansson for Episode 026 as they talk about How to use Writing for Wellness in Midlife.

This is not another ”author plugs new book” podcast.

Cary shares raw and refreshingly honest insights of how she has overcome life’s hurdles along her self-publishing journey, resulting her Midlife novels series selling over 150,000 copies and the tales of her characters Helen, Caro and Kay being described as ”Shirley Valentine meets Bridget Jones”.

With A Midlife Marriage coming soon, mum-of-three Cary reveals how a ”truly shocking” divorce made her lazer-focused on her writing career. And there’s laughter aplenty as Kate and Cary discuss online dating in Midlife and how our 50s are a great time for us to stop caring so much about what others think, and to start questioning what we really want from our relationships.

Tune in too for Cary’s top tips on Writing for Wellness and how the cathartic process of putting words on paper isn’t just empowering self-care but also flexes our creative muscle.

Connect with Cary at

https://www.caryjhansson.com/

Transcript

SPEAKER_02: 0:02

Welcome to Midlife Unlimited, the podcast for women who want more. I'm your host, Kate Porter, the midlife metamorphosis coach. And I know what it feels like to be stuck navigating the midlife maze. I've looked in the mirror and thought, who is that woman? So Midlife Unlimited is here to let you know you are not alone. You don't have to put on a brave face and put up with it. You don't have to play it safe. Midlife Unlimited is all about ripping off that mask and telling midlife like it really is. Smashing stereotypes, busting myths and misbehaving because our second spring is our time to shine our way. So welcome to today's episode. Now, do you ever feel like you just want to hit the pause button? that despite your best laid plans, life just seems to have other plans, that you're losing control. You crave to stop that endless swirl of thoughts that are going round and round your head, threatening to overwhelm you and undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem as your inner critic goes into overdrive. But writing is a very powerful self-care tool. Putting our thoughts down on paper, getting it all out of our head, not overthinking it. And as a former journalist myself, writing is in my blood and I love the transformative power of the words we use to ourselves about ourselves. So I'm delighted to be joined by my guest today, Kerry J. Hansen, best-selling author of the Midlife Novels trilogy and Writing for Wellness coach, to talk about how to use writing for wellness in midlife. So welcome, Kerry, to Midlife Unlimited.

SPEAKER_00: 2:01

Thank you, Kate. It's really lovely to be here. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02: 2:05

Oh, it's my absolute pleasure because you are a fabulous example of turning our dreams into reality and overcoming those blinking hurdles that life puts in our way by doing it our way. And writing has played a major part in this for you, hasn't it?

SPEAKER_00: 2:25

Absolutely. I mean, writing nowadays is what pays my bills. It keeps the roof over my head and it puts food on the table. And it's very matter of fact for me. I just go to work every day and I write books. And when people ask me what I do and I say, oh, I write books, I'm an author, they're, oh, how fantastic. I've always wanted to write a book and everything. And to me, it's just my job now. But I suppose when you say I've overcome hurdles, I suppose I did. At the time, I was just following my dream. And I didn't actually really begin following it until I was 40. which is when I went back to university to study literature and creative writing. In the end, it became a scratch that I couldn't ignore any longer. And it was quite easy. It was harder to stay. It was harder to not do anything about it than to do something about it. So in terms of getting all the practicalities into place, signing up for the course. Actually, I signed up for an open university course, first of all, which was called Introduction to the Arts, because I didn't know what I wanted to do. I just knew I needed to use my head and explore the writing a little bit more than I've been playing around with for years. And I had left school at 16, so I didn't have A-levels or anything. So at 38, I think I was, or 39, I signed up for this course. My twins were about three years old, I remember.

UNKNOWN: 3:54

Wow.

SPEAKER_02: 3:55

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_00: 3:57

I remember the very first day they went to nursery school and I was dashing back. I had two and a half hours to write this essay and a friend of mine was like, fancy doing that. And I was like, I can't wait. I can't wait to write this essay. So I followed on from there and I ended up at the university and I graduated with a first class degree. I could have stayed on and done the master's, but I thought I could just, you know, sit at home and write stories. But actually I'd made it much more difficult for myself because by then I had met my husband and I was a few weeks pregnant with my third child at the age of 44 and I moved to Sweden. So it's funny that you say hurdles. I never thought of them as hurdles, but looking back, I put massive hurdles in my path.

UNKNOWN: 4:37

Ha ha ha!

SPEAKER_00: 4:38

I don't think I could have put any bigger hurdles in my class in my way. I mean, one week I'm sitting in a class trying to unpack 17th century poetry and doing very well. And a few weeks later, I'm in a class for newly landed immigrants in Sweden, learning how to say cat, the cats, a cat, you know, and I'm thinking, and I was pregnant. I'm thinking, what have I done? So yeah, it was a massive hurdle, but I kept going. I kept going. I kept going. And 10 years later, six books later, millions and millions of words, now it's my job. I do this now, yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 5:16

Oh, I love it. I mean, talk about juggling. You epitomise it. I'm going to delve a bit deeper later on, but also later on, I'm delighted that you're actually going to be sharing your top tips for listeners that would like to explore writing for wellness, because we're both huge advocates of that. But Before we go any further, I just want to say congratulations on the huge success of Midlife Trilogy. And book number four is on its way.

SPEAKER_00: 5:49

Thank you. Thank you very much. The trilogy so far has sold over 150,000 copies. Now, I am a self-published author. And in the publishing world, you may well know this. I'm sure you do. It's not kind of your world as well. That's a dirty word. I couldn't get a deal. As I've just explained to you, I moved to Sweden. I thought writing was sitting at home, writing your stories and sending them off. It's a business like any other business. It's networking, schmoozing, it's getting to know the right people and being in the right place, getting your work in front of them at the right time. So in the end, I had to do it all on my own. And in terms of the self-published world, it has been an unqualified success. Book three was shortlisted for the Kindle Storyteller Award 2023. My wonderful wonderful narrator who you must get on this show lisa armitage who used to be a star on neighbors she's my narrator she won an award for um best fiction book a couple years ago with midlife gamble it's the books are good because the stories are good and and the thing i get the most the most of comment i get most frequent is that it feels so real women are reading these books and and they have they don't want to come to the end of it because it feels like they're losing friends Feels like they have spent time with friends. And book four, yes, I didn't think there was going to be a book four. And then, I'm not allowed to swear on this podcast, am I? Oh, go on. Great wallops of brown stuff hit the fan in my real life. A massive wallop of it. Something really awful and unexpected happened in terms of divorce. um and i i didn't i had some time out from writing the midlife series and i've come back to book four at the end of last year and this year and i am finding there is so much more to say oh my goodness kate uh life after divorce the dating apps it's astonishing

SPEAKER_02: 7:49

there's so much to say i think we're gonna have to dig a bit deeper because i met my partner many moons ago on an online dating app. But the reason I wanted to talk to you, A, because I love your energy, I love the fact you're all about the power of the words, but also your books epitomise everything that Midlife Unlimited is about. They centre around three friends, Helen, Caro and Kay, their friendships, their Well, it's been compared to Shirley Valentine meets Bridget Jones. But in your words, it's engaging stories for wise women. And they go through everything and everything together, don't they?

SPEAKER_00: 8:33

They do. And they are centre stage. Men, I'm afraid, have very peripheral roles in my books. I just don't have time for them. Yeah. Midlife women, middle aged women are center stage. That's all the stories are about. And there's so much to say. I mean, there's so much to say. We're the sandwich generation. We've got aging parents. We have got grown up children about to leave the nest. So many women in so many Facebook groups talk about being stuck in unhappy marriages. Is this it? You know, and that's exactly those are exactly the. points that my books address and I don't need to go okay I'm going to address this point and that point and this point because it all comes out of me naturally anyway this is my life and my friends lives I'm not using occasionally you're going to find that the seed of a real story yeah like okay drops of chips all over the back of a taxi and things like that those are those are things that that there's there's some things that really did happen but not much but you know I these I the things that I'm talking about are the things that all women our age are now talking about. And I think we're lucky. I think we're the lucky generation because we suddenly, it seems to have happened very swiftly. Maybe it hasn't, but I feel it has. Suddenly women in their fifties are walking away from marriages and they are sexually attractive. They are sexually active. They are ambitious and then they are actually entering what I had on my Instagram bio, the upgrade. I think I might've mentioned this to you before, but there's a doctor who has done research on how hormones affect the female brain. And she wrote a book and she called it the upgrade because once we lose those dropping levels of estrogen, we're able to basically concentrate on things in a way that perhaps men have always been able to. And the short of it can probably be summarized up by saying, we don't care so much. We don't care anymore. We don't care. The children are grown up, so we don't have to worry about getting the right number of vegetables on their plate every week. We're not looking for a mate. We've got our kids. All that sort of like basic biology, which is hardwired into the female brain and is controlled a lot by those monthly hormones, that's all over. And we're not sort of like retreating into the shadows This is what I mean when I say, I think we're lucky. We're just stepping forward into the upgrade, the second half of our lives. And there's so much still available to us. I think it's absolutely phenomenal and um it's exciting so there definitely had to be a book four definitely and um I know there will I hope sincerely there'll be a book five because I have the idea in my head already but that's that's a while off I need to go and live a bit of life as well

SPEAKER_02: 11:42

I love that no you're talking about yeah absolutely because I I love the phrase second spring I mean that's why I chose it for my life coaching company because it is a time of of new growth and new adventures and There's so much out there. And I'm absolutely with you. That freeing realisation that you really don't give a flying whatever anymore. No. And I know there's so much talk at the moment about the let them theory, but I, for so many years now, it's part of my own midlife metamorphosis, the realisation that I was now going to live by my own mantra, and I'm going to be asking yours later on, so listen in, or listen up, listeners. Mine has long been, let the judges judge. Let them get on with it, because I haven't got the time or energy to I've done people pleasing, recovering. I haven't got the inclination anymore to waste any more precious moments of my life giving a heck. If you love me, great.

SPEAKER_00: 12:49

If you don't, shut on. And isn't it extraordinary to begin to understand that that actually might be a very real physiological change in our brains? That this stuff that we, if you took a random group of women our ages and said, do you feel like this? Most of us would go, yeah. And isn't it astonishing to realize that this could be something actually real? We know it's real. But to have that sort of scientific proof blows my mind. I'll tell you something else. if it happened to men, we would have known about this 40 years ago.

SPEAKER_02: 13:26

Oh, of course. But let's loop back a little bit because you told, you mentioned obviously the huge decision and it was a huge decision to go to university at 40 with little ones and then the discovery that you were pregnant and moving to Sweden. I mean, is so much up for, how did, I won't use the word cope, but how did you get through it?

SPEAKER_00: 13:59

I honestly don't know. I mean, you mentioned the word mantra before. We're going to talk about this, I know, much, much later, but I might have to give away a tiny link. I mean, I couldn't settle on one mantra. Go for it. I couldn't settle on one mantra anyway. I've always loved the Socrates quote, the unexamined life is not worth living. And that sounds really pompous, but it's basically, I've always been the kind of person to say, to question things. I'm never going to be able to retire to the Costa del Sol and lie on a sunbed forever. at 65. I'm not just not going to be able to do it. I'm always up. So I didn't examine, I didn't examine what I was doing. I just did it. I just did it. I mean, I think if I had, somebody once said to me years ago, oh, Kerry, you don't see yourself the way other people see you. And maybe I don't. It didn't occur. It didn't occur to me. I mean, what can you do, Kate? You sit down and make a list of pros and cons and then decide with your head that you're not going to make this move. I mean, trust me, in 16 years, 14, my son is 14 next week, so it's been 15 years I've been here. Maybe there were things I could and should have done differently. I got a first class degree. I could have stayed and done my master's and the department at the time was the sixth best in the country. The poet laureate was head of the department. I would have made a lot of great contacts there. Yeah. But What's the point? I'm not even saying, oh, I'm not the type of person to do that. It just doesn't even occur to me to go, okay, if I loop back 16 years, I shouldn't have taken these steps. And maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe that's a fault of mine. It's all well and good to go, oh, you're so brave. You did this. How on earth did you cope with the challenges and everything? But maybe I'm too rash. Maybe I jumped from one frying pan into a fire and then back into another frying pan. Maybe as actually I hit, I'm 58 now. And for the first time in my life, as I'm single again, I can tell you this, I absolutely am not in the market for a relationship. I am so laser focused on my career, the business, the writing for wellness, the books. And I think that that's the first time in my life that's happened. I guess my Swedish husband had a lot to, well, he had everything to do with me moving out here, but once all of that people pleasing is out the way and that need to have a relationship is out the way, then maybe I will be less rash. But I did it. I moved here. I don't know what else to say. It was very hard. It has been very, very lonely at times, I must admit. And now I find myself stuck in a strange position because my children have grown up here and they will stay here now. And actually, every damn experience you have gives you so much empathy and insight into the rest of the world. The immigrant situation all over Europe. I am an immigrant in Sweden that doesn't speak the language very well. I have massive insight now into what that feels like. And it feels awful. There's no power. You know, you're so vulnerable. And it feels awful to be estranged a little bit from your homeland. Because I can't go back and live in England when my hearts, my three hearts, my three kids are over here. So what can I do? What can I say? I made the choice. I came here.

SPEAKER_01: 17:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 17:57

It all came out good in the end because I worked so bloody hard and now I have this independence because I have my income. And sometimes you've just got to do what you've got to do. You've got to do what Liz Taylor always says, which is put your lipstick on, pour a drink and pull yourself together. Get on with it.

SPEAKER_02: 18:19

I'm absolutely with you. I am literally the queen of taking perfectly imperfect action. And as you said, we could we could wallow. We're not wallow, but the what ifs and the if onlys. And again, we're wasting our precious time doing that. We can't change what's happened. And chances are a lot of that was beyond our control anyway. So to a certain extent, if we'd procrastinated, we'd only have been putting off the inevitable anyway. Yeah. But when I mentioned the word hurdles, and I know you said perhaps not necessarily the right word, but you have had things thrust upon you that you've had to adapt to. But I know the divorce was a bit of a shock, shall we say. Sorry, I'm not laughing. That sounds really,

SPEAKER_00: 19:11

really insensitive. Well, I think it's quite an entertaining story, so I'll entertain your listeners with it if you would like me to. I would love

SPEAKER_02: 19:19

you to.

SPEAKER_00: 19:20

They might well relate to it. That's the thing.

SPEAKER_02: 19:22

I mean, divorce is such a taboo subject a lot of the time. So to have you lift the lid on your experience would be fantastic.

SPEAKER_00: 19:33

Well, it's a couple of years ago now. About this time last year, I discovered my husband was behaving so oddly and... unfriendly towards me. And I discovered messages on his phone, which sort of led, he was trying to start an affair, had arranged to meet this woman. on the morning of my son's birthday of all days. Well, my husband had arranged that too, of course. She didn't know it was my son's birthday, but he damn well knew. Anyway, it all blew up and we started talking and he came out how unhappy he was and he wanted a separation. He felt squashed and he was going to go to this flat, a rental flat and have some space and time, which I was all for. we did need some space and time and we talked and we got closer that spring summer than we had been in a long time and everything we it was a marriage in every sense of the word it was a full marriage if you know what i mean we were very happy like that yeah and i and uh i took the kids away on holiday for a week came back we had a lovely weekend midsummer weekend of a full marriage etc etc and uh then That morning he came over and said, can you come over and sign this? His actual words were, you need to sign this for me. And I opened the tab on the computer and it was a divorce form that he had paid for, downloaded and filled out for me while I was on holiday for the kids. He had gone to all that trouble, Kate. My name, my personal number, everything. It wasn't that kind of him. All I had to do was sign it, which I did. Why would you want to stay? Yeah. I am laughing about it now, but it was the most... I'm lucky, really, because that was the most traumatic thing that has happened to me, and it's taken a long time to get over. I'm still getting over it. It was shocking. It was... It was truly, truly shocking, yeah. That somebody that you think you know and that you spent so many years with kind of built up such an emotional... closeness with and that you share a family with could be so cold. I don't

SPEAKER_02: 21:46

know. It is. It never sees. I mean, when you first told me the story, I mean, so often I talk about having the conversations and the importance of saying how you're feeling to the point that you might feel like you're going to upset the other person. But this is the absolute opposite of that, isn't it? This is putting on that mask, pretending that they're feeling one way and And in actual fact, the cruelty behind it. I think it is cruelty. I'm not dissing your ex-husband, but you've come through it.

SPEAKER_00: 22:19

Yes. Yes. Yes. It's a very strange situation. Very strange situation. I think men behave very strangely sometimes. That's all I can say about that. I think... I'm thankful to be a woman because we can access our emotions and our feelings so much easier. And we talk about them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't want to be trapped inside. I was going to say, I wouldn't want to be trapped inside a maelstrom of emotion that I can't in any way articulate.

SPEAKER_02: 22:59

I'll say that is one of the reasons. Yeah, that's one of the reasons I launched this podcast because it is tough sometimes, isn't it? To actually say how we're feeling and to have that place. Well, even if we haven't got necessarily someone we can talk to, to actually hear women like yourself talking about subjects that will resonate.

SPEAKER_00: 23:20

Yes. Yes. Yes. We have, I mean, I'm not, I'm not the only one who's been through stuff like this. I know I'm not definitely. And there's been much worse, much worse. So yeah, but it's a, That was two years ago now.

SPEAKER_02: 23:41

But going back to your books as well, because I think this is a nice link through, you talked obviously about nothing's off limits. It's friends going through all sorts of SHIT, good and bad. And I'm intrigued now because you've alluded to, obviously the title of book four is Midlife Marriage.

UNKNOWN: 24:01

Yes.

SPEAKER_02: 24:02

And you mentioned dating. Now, you categorically said that it's something not on your radar because books, books, books, books is what your focus is on. And obviously your kids as well. But have you been part of your research? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, I did it. Gosh. You know, I can't remember if it's coming up in July. It's either 16 or 17 years. He's not listening. It's all right. I'll just work it out. I'll work backwards. But that was like quite early days of online dating. So what's the scene like these days?

SPEAKER_00: 24:46

Oh, I really don't really know. Well, I do and I don't. I joined Tinder because I don't know anything about the sites. That's the

SPEAKER_02: 24:56

swipey one, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00: 24:58

Yeah, I think they're all swipey ones. There's lots of different ones and apparently Tinder is not the one to be on because Tinder is basically apparently a hookup site. But there are two things that I have found. One, I found that that is very true and it's been quite hysterical. You start talking to some people and they're so predictable. Within two minutes, they're asking for your telephone number because of something to do with the app, you know? And as soon as you go, no, I'd rather stay on the Tinder app, poof, they disappear. Or they'll suggest to meet. And I've only met about two or three guys just for coffee. But if I mention coffee, a couple of guys have gone poof, disappeared. And actually, what I did join was a Facebook group. I think it's called Needle in the Haystack or Bird the Haystack Down. And it's by a feminist group. it's organized by a feminist writer and she discusses rhetorical patterns that men use and it's very very interesting and just reading some of the things that jenny writes she's a lady that runs this facebook group i've learned a lot and uh and i'm not and i have actually learned better boundaries as well so that's one thing that's taught me quite quickly if a guy doesn't i've been having some chats on on tinder but that's it i haven't got the time i really haven't got the time for anything else but and if they don't respond within a decent time or if they send me a message at 1 30 in the morning i just uh block them I'm going to say the 1.30 in the

SPEAKER_02: 26:32

morning, that's going to be a bit of a red flag, isn't

SPEAKER_00: 26:35

it? Totally. And I'm getting much better at spotting the red flags. But I'll tell you something very funny. You said, what's it like? Well, of course, I was chuffed to bits because I've got like 3,000 likes on Tinder. I can't keep up with them. And then my sister in New Zealand said, what are your boundaries in terms of geographical boundaries? Well, I had none. Out of a global population of so many billion. My like rate wasn't that good. I thought it was. But, you know, I've got guys from Timbuktu liking me because I hadn't set any geographical boundaries. It's all quite funny. It's all quite funny. And I have, just finishing off quickly on that, I've had some lovely chats with guys I never, ever would have met otherwise. And these points are working their way into my book. It's, you know, my previous relations, honestly, I might as well have thrown a dartboard blindfolded. They were very, very, very random. So at least with the sights, there's a stab at compatibility. And I hope that as things get less hectic for me work-wise, I will start to spend time on them seriously, but much better armed than I was in my 20s and 30s and 40s and boundaries down. very well set because like we said at the beginning, I'm not in the market for a mate. There's no biological clock ticking down. And I pay for my own house. I pay for my own drinks, take it or leave it. So if it, that is very empowering, very empowering. And actually what I'm, what I've told my daughter, who's 22, I've told her about this Facebook group, because I think, I think the more women that learn to spot these things, these red flags very early and just cut the men out, the quicker men are going to realise that they need to start behaving. And they do. They really need to start behaving and respecting women a lot more than they do. Sorry if that puts some people off, but it's kind of a bee in my bonnet at the moment. No, I think that's

SPEAKER_02: 28:48

superb advice because you can think when you... go on I mean obviously I haven't done it for years but you the the thought that everyone else has the same agenda as you and they're like oh everyone's here for the same reasons I am I mean you're I don't know what your reasons may be listeners if you're going to give it a try I must do an actual episode about this just all about dating um but yeah it is It is. We're vulnerable. We're putting ourselves out there, aren't we? And we're not just putting our photos out there. We're putting at least some personal information out there. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 29:28

And I wrote a blog about it when I first started. I likened it to puppies in the pet shop window. Take me, please take me, please take me. You know, that's what we're doing. Feels very odd, very strange, very exposing when you first start. You get used to it pretty quickly. It's like a lobster in boiling water. You don't notice that. You don't know how hot it's got until guys are sort of going, let's have your number, please. Let's meet for three glasses of wine at five o'clock in the afternoon, two minutes after accepting your license. Oh, is that so? So if you suggest going for a drink

SPEAKER_02: 30:03

drink, it's all right. But if you go for coffee, they're like, oh, no, they see that. It's a code.

SPEAKER_00: 30:10

I think that there's, I think that there are, I think for all of the benefits of being able to actually talk to all sorts of people, and that is a huge benefit. I think you also get a lot, maybe women too, but I think there's a fair share of men on there simply looking for a hookup. Yeah, that's, it's their license for a hookup, isn't it? And there's nothing wrong with that. There's, there's nothing wrong with that. We're all grown up here. If

SPEAKER_02: 30:36

that's what you're both after. Yeah. It's the whole getting the balance, isn't it? Making sure we're on the same sheet. Now, another thing that I instinctively felt when I, and we've not met in the flesh, hopefully we will one day, but something I love about you is laughter. And I think you're like me. I think you found that freedom to laugh at yourself because if you can't laugh at yourself and you're constantly worrying again about judgment. And I know laughter plays a very important part, both in your life and in your relationships with the women in your life, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_00: 31:15

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, the books that, again, that's a very frequent, that's a common feedback I get about my books is that there's a lot of humour. You can laugh at the beginning of a sentence and be tearing up by the end of it. But my books, I come from generations of Geordies. My mum and dad are Geordies. And my mum is 86 now. I mean, she's buying rubber eggs at 80 in her mid-70s for her grandchildren. And when they'd come across from Canada to visit, she'd say, here, catch, and throw the rubber egg across the kitchen floor. You have to laugh. You have to laugh. I mean, my mum is the originator of all the funny stories. I was just telling my kids one last night when she was in hospital back in the 50s, in her 20s, and she was in hospital, and the Salvation Army would come around in the evening, on a Sunday evening, to cheer the patients up. And, of course, that's when all the patients would absolutely... Post-surgical patients who'd been opened up and were consequently full of air, as soon as the Sally Army's trumpet would start up, they would let rip because it was the... the only time the only time that uh it was safe to do so and this is my mom this is my mom's story and she remembers it very well from all those years ago so how can how can i not have funny bones i come from funny bones i'm made from funny bones but i wouldn't swap that for the world the bricks have a great sense of humor

SPEAKER_02: 32:43

yeah you said that's one thing you miss

SPEAKER_00: 32:45

Oh, my goodness, yes. Sometimes we just have to watch Gogglebox just to get our fix of the British humour. Because we're the funniest, aren't we? Just watching TV, we come out with such funny comments. No, we're a funny people, I think. We should never lose that. We

SPEAKER_02: 33:01

should never lose that. No, no. It's all about self-awareness, isn't it? It's definitely about self-awareness. And I say I love your story and I love how openly and frankly you share it. And that does lead me, I think, into talking more about writing for wellness and how that's now become something that you're really passionate about. And also leading into your top tips and your top advice, really, and lessons learned. So how is the, it's not really a shift because you've been using writing for a long time to fuel yourself, right?

SPEAKER_00: 33:41

And I'm so grateful for this opportunity to talk about it. Like I spent a decade in doing a job that I wasn't paid for, that I continually failed at as I didn't get publishing deals and that what nobody acknowledged me for. And I never stopped writing. And it wasn't just, it was almost an addiction because every time I spent a morning writing a really powerful scene and I'd be crying, it just felt like, it sounds almost religious, it's a bit ridiculous, but I felt cleansed. I really felt as if I had achieved something. So I've always known that there's a power. I have always, always known and believed the power of words. I can read a poem written nearly a thousand years ago and I can cry. And it's astonishing to me that words put down on paper hundreds and hundreds of years ago can still move another soul in another time and place. That is astonishing to me. So I've always known that. And about seven or eight years ago, I became aware of a therapeutic writing course that I could do. Wanted to explore a bit more. And I came to it a bit naive. I thought I was going to get feedback on my writing and I was still trying to get a publishing deal. I didn't get any of that. And I was like, I thought this about then, you know, why haven't they said how good my poem is? And it took me a finished product it's the process of writing in the first place and i should have understood that because that's what i was doing every day of the week anyway and then i was stuck because i live in sweden and i i can't do these classes in english in sweden and this actually as i began as i began to investigate it this is a a form of therapy self administered therapy that has been backed up by scientific facts i mean there have been some there have been experiments done where you get a group of students who are encouraged to write about a traumatic event and a group of students who are encouraged to write about something else and then they'll take medical stats afterwards like blood pressure or etc etc and the students who are encouraged to write about the traumatic event are doing better than those who didn't so

SPEAKER_01: 35:55

it's

SPEAKER_00: 35:56

It's all, it is backed by science, as we know, as anybody who sits down and journals for a couple of days feels the benefits of doing it. So I wanted to do this in a setting where it's already practiced, like in domestic shelters, in hospices, help people write the final chapters to leave for their families. You know, people want to write and they don't know how to get started writing. But I couldn't do any of that. And then the pandemic hit. So I took it online a little bit, started to do it. Everybody took everything online, didn't we? We started to do it all through Zoom and it worked. It worked well enough. It was good. I mean, nothing beats being in a room with other people, but it was good. And people started to share what they had written. And they were astonished by what they were producing. I wasn't because I had had some years of practicing it specifically from this angle. And then I thought I have to... I really want to do this more of this. So last autumn, I finally got around to doing it the way I wanted to do it. And I recorded eight half hour workshops. Now this is not just loose. Oh, follow this piece of writing. This is me. Once you press play, you see me at a desk giving you specific instructions. prompts on the screen to get you started literally the first half of the sentence that was a time when I was etc etc and and I keep the time of the exercise as well so I say to you right I don't I never tell people how long you've got I say you've got about a minute left and I say start writing And one of the most important things I say to them, and in fact, there's a separate little video before the workshop with the rules, because the rules are, there are no rules. You don't think about it. You don't worry about punctuation. You don't think about grammar. You don't think about spelling. You keep, you write with a pen or a pencil on paper and you just keep that pen or pencil moving. And if you get stuck, you repeat the same word that you've written last over and over and over again. And before you know it, you've stopped thinking and the sub conscious has come up to the forefront and that's what's coming out and onto the page as soon as you learn to switch off your inner critic as soon as you learn to stop thinking about how you're going to respond everything that you didn't know you were going to say comes out that's what writing for wellness is about beyond that beyond that there are some really clever exercises we use point of view So I will, first of all, get you to create your persona that you think you are, and then create an opposite persona from that. And I do that using metaphor. If I were an animal, I would be, et cetera. And then we write a conversation from the opposite persona's point of view. So you actually step outside your skin and you really get a glimpse of how someone else, someone very different to you might perceive and see you. We use perspective. Literally check crossing the street to look at a situation that is stressful or that's troubling you. You cross the street and you see it from a different side. That sounds very easy to do, but I would challenge anyone to look at a blank piece of paper and start writing that. Once you're listening to someone giving you specific instructions on how to do it, where to position yourself and what point of view to use, it becomes a lot, lot easier. So those are the kind of exercises we do. And the workshops are... writing for clarity writing for self-discovery writing for self-care writing for creativity purely purely for creativity in the same way that we insist our children have art classes and creative writing classes and yet we don't do the same for ourselves we don't allocate we don't allocate that wonderful time just to be creative don't ever think that your creative tool and your creative muscle will just be there for you to use when you want it it's not Again, I would challenge someone to sit down now and write a poem. They probably haven't even tried since they were at school. And one of my classes is writing a four-stanza poem, and people do it. They write four stanzas of a poem in 30 minutes, and they can't believe they've done it. We're not looking to write Shakespeare here. We're just looking to be creative. So I thought there was a real need for it. I thought I could do it. As you can hear, I'm very passionate about...

SPEAKER_02: 40:29

Yeah, I love it.

SPEAKER_00: 40:30

I'm not sure about... I just love seeing people do it because they're always like, oh, I'd love to do that. Oh, I bought this beautiful journal the other day and it's full of my shopping lists. We've done that. We've all done that.

SPEAKER_02: 40:43

That is so

SPEAKER_00: 40:45

true. I've done it. I've done it. Oh, yeah. Books, eggs, bread, get chicken out of freezer, et cetera, et cetera. So this is... this is an easy peasy way to do it and it's so all you have to do is press play and then you don't press anything else until the class is finished because it's 30 minutes of real-time writing and because those that it's a digital product which once the work is done on from my end it's done I get the cost of actually purchasing it is very very affordable because it's not something I have to reproduce or import or package every single time it's up there and it's done and I I thoroughly enjoy it. I thoroughly enjoyed recording them. I really, really want to concentrate on this now. Once midlife marriage is up and I will stop putting that pressure on myself of the deadline of a book, I'll keep writing, but it will go down to one book probably every couple of years. And I definitely want to concentrate on this. I have a plan to do writing into winter, which I envisage with a blanket and filming by a fire in the background. Wouldn't that be a lovely gift to yourself?

SPEAKER_02: 41:55

it's all about nurturing us isn't it which I absolutely love and I love that phrase you just said about our creative muscle because I talk a lot and I've got episodes coming up as well all about building muscle building strength both physically and mentally in our midlife because this really is in all aspects really a use it or lose it and by unleashing that creativity that childlike curiosity and I love how you talk about different perspectives because I use that a lot in my coaching NLP and shifting mindset and it is so powerful whether it's physically writing or speaking just reframing our thoughts and actually taking a different perspective because it's so easy to get tunnel vision isn't it and yeah yeah I think this is very very exciting I'm excited to see where this is going to go now All your contact details, I won't go into huge detail yet, but all your details are going to be in the show notes for our episode and on your guest profile on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website. So we'll give a little verbal link to those later on. But you know what's coming up now. You're all about trilogy. Soon to be, what's it going to be, a quartet? Is that the right word? Will it become a quartet, the Midlife Quartet? Or is the marriage like the beginning of the next wave?

SPEAKER_00: 43:29

The marriage, I think we should just stick with series because I want, I mean, Midlife Marriage is almost written now. It will be with my editor at the end of this week. And I know I want to carry on.

SPEAKER_01: 43:43

I

SPEAKER_00: 43:44

just I hope I'll carry on with Kay and Caro and Helen for a long time because there's I didn't as I said to you I didn't know there was going to be a fourth book but and I didn't realize there was so much to say how silly of me there's so much to say well they've got they've got a

SPEAKER_02: 44:00

life of their own haven't they they're kind of telling you now they're channeling through you well I can't wait I can't wait and we'll have all the links of how listeners can get hold of copies I want a signed copy I'll be expecting I'll pay for it but I want my signed copy absolutely of course yes so we are now going to go into the theater put my teeth in I'm so excited I can't I can't wait for your book um The three questions that I ask each of my fabulous female guests. And I love the answers. Again, there's no right answer. There's no wrong answer. It's all about you. So the first question, and you've alluded briefly to it, but we're going to go into more detail now. What? Oh, no, you had the second question you alluded to. See, my brain's gone to fog today. What is your midlife anthem? The piece of music or song that when you hear it lights you up and you punch the air and you know it's going to be a good day.

SPEAKER_00: 45:04

Crazy by Niles Barkley.

SPEAKER_02: 45:07

Oh, yeah. I won't sing it.

SPEAKER_00: 45:10

No, I can't sing it. There are two reasons why I love this. The lyrics are just astonishing. They're beautiful. I remember when I lost my mind. There was something so pleasant about that place. Even your emotions have an echo in so much space. And there's another line in it that just makes me laugh. Where is it? My heroes had the heart to live their lives out on the limb. And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them. Just brilliant lyrics, like on a par with Bob Dylan. I love them. Ha, ha, ha, bless your soul. You really think you're in control. And the other reason I absolutely, absolutely love this song is because I used to be, I was a dancer. I trained as a dancer. I was a good little tap dancer. And one thing I can do is rhythm. When I write conversation in my books, the rhythm comes very easy to me. But I can't get the rhythm of this song, Kate. I always come in at the wrong time. It's really difficult.

SPEAKER_02: 46:10

No, I did tap dancing as well. I was rubbish at ballet, but I loved tap and modern. And now I do salsa. So I'm all about, I'm all about the rhythm. But can you come in at the right time on this song? No, it is. And it goes off, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_00: 46:26

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's a challenge. I almost sang it. I can't sing. So I'm not even going to try. But the fact that I can't get into this, I haven't solved the problem of this yet. rhythm will lead into number three of these questions but they

SPEAKER_01: 46:44

know

SPEAKER_02: 46:46

I'm getting quite excited now because I think I'm actually going to do a Spotify album Midlife Unlimited the album because there are so many good songs I think that's a little idea brewing watch this space so we're now going to move on to your question two and I said this is the one that you briefly alluded to but I want to hear the thoughts behind it so what is your midlife mantra or mantras if that's the plural rule I'm not

SPEAKER_00: 47:11

sure I could I have loads and I could I was thinking about this um I mean one of my favorites is on the wall behind and it's from rules but rules of Abraham Lincoln it's something like it's better to be thought better to keep your mouth shut and be thoughtful than to open it and remove all doubt oops and I'm doing that every week But that's just one I love. Oh, there's loads. There's loads. There's loads. Make some soup, write a letter, do some polishing. Or the Liz Taylor one, which is put your lipstick on, pour a drink, pull yourself together. Those are mantras I kind of live by. On a more serious... setting the Socrates quote is something I've always, always loved. The unexamined life is not worth living. And one that specifically that I came across more recently and did speak to me. And I think it perhaps would not have spoken to me in the same way had I been younger. but this really, really did speak to me. I didn't know who it was from. I sort of came across it on Instagram, but it's by Marianne Williamson, apparently, A Return to Love. And it has a religious basis, but that's not, I could quote it to you now. I'll start it. It says, our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, Fabulous. Actually, who are you not to be? Yeah, and I remember reading that and going, wow, is that really what I'm scared of, Kerry? Is that really what? And I think every time we don't make that call or we don't try and follow up that contact or we don't do the thing that we really want to do, that's probably what we're thinking. That's probably that is this. There is truth there, isn't there?

SPEAKER_02: 49:16

I love that. That's not me, that has, because that is really, because it brings in so much, doesn't it? Self-worth, imposter syndrome, fear of judgment, the whole. And as you're right, the world, we're doing the world a disservice if we don't actually put our arms up and go, we are brilliant.

SPEAKER_00: 49:38

The quote finishes, the last line of the quote is, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. And it's Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love, if any of the listeners want to look it up. I don't know her work. I just came across that quote and it just, it really spoke to me.

SPEAKER_02: 50:03

Yeah. Oh, I'm going to have to go and investigate. I think that's absolutely beautiful and so, so powerful. Oh, you know how I get about goosebumps. I've got them now. Right. We will move on while I enjoy my goosebumps to your third and final question. And it's been such a joy chatting with you. Right. I want to know what the title of your autobiography is going to be. There's no will. This is going to happen.

SPEAKER_00: 50:40

Okay. Again, I was thinking about this. Now, the most accurate thing anybody ever wrote about me probably was an unknown teacher on my school report when I was about 10 years old. And he, I don't even know, I think it was a guy, I don't know, wrote, if Carrie hasn't got a problem, she will make one. So my autobiography, can I give you, it would be not enough problems. I don't know what else it's, you know, I, I, It's true. I get myself wound up. I put heaps of pressure on myself. I've got to get this book written. I've got to record the writing for wellness sessions I need to. And then next week, I'm not going to do anything. And of course, I have a morning of not doing anything. And then I'm going, right, what can we do next? What's the next problem? Maybe it's a part of constantly examining life. But it's all bound up in that. I guess it's just the kind of person that I am. not enough problems. I think that that's always going to be me. I don't think it's ever going to be problem solved, for example.

SPEAKER_02: 51:52

But that, it's like, that to me is the same as like knowing everything. If you're like, oh, no, I'm done with learning now. I know quite enough now. Thank you. I'm going to go sit in my chair on the porch now. Oh,

SPEAKER_00: 52:06

goodness, no. There's so many. Gosh, no. I was just last week actually looking up poetry courses as if I haven't got enough on my plate. Wanting to delve a bit more into the poetry and start poetry writing again. I haven't got time to do that. Of course you have.

SPEAKER_02: 52:24

Of course you have. You will make time. Now, your energy and your enthusiasm, put teeth in again, is contagious. So I know there are going to be fabulous women listening and there may be some men that have tuned in either by mistake or just because they've seen the posts. Welcome. How can they get in contact with you? Obviously, I've said all your details are going to be in the show notes and on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website. But just talk us through briefly how listeners can connect with you.

SPEAKER_00: 52:59

It's really simple. Carrie J. Hansen. Carrie like Mary. Mary, Mother Mary, you know, C-A-R-Y, Carrie J. Hansen, www.carriejhansen.com. dot com slash writing for wellness but if you just go to the website carriejhansen.com you're going to find a page for writing for wellness there and all the information about my books if you look me up on instagram it's carrie j hansen if you look me up on facebook it's carrie j hansen i haven't worked out tiktok yet and i'm not very good at linkedin as we discussed uh that's enough at the moment

SPEAKER_02: 53:39

how how are they spelling hansen just for clarity Two S's. Han.

SPEAKER_00: 53:45

H-A-N-S-S-O-N.

SPEAKER_02: 53:48

Fabulous. And as I said, all your click through because they're live links. Details will be on the show notes for our rather fabulous episode and on your guest profile. And if you've enjoyed today's episode. I would love your feedback. So it'd be fabulous if you could leave a review or you can email or text me via the link in the show notes. Come and join the Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook group. Again, link in the show notes and the website link is there too with details of my exclusive VIP Midlife Metamorphosis coaching offers. So thank you again for joining me, Kerry, today. It's been an absolute pleasure i love that we've covered so much and i know so often people when they see all a podcast is going to have an author on they think it's going to be a cheap plug for their book and you've proved that wrong you've proved that no this has been a delightful conversation about all things midlife so thank you for that and thank you my absolute pleasure uh I look forward to you joining in next week as well, because don't forget Midlife Unlimited has got a new episode every Thursday available wherever you listen to your podcast. So here's to being fabulous and flourishing together and to living Midlife Unlimited. Thanks for joining me. Take care. Thank you.