Episode #028 How to Turn I Can't into I Can, and I Will with Guest Felicity Ashley

Midlife often feels like we’re going it alone. Friendships drifting. Shifting relationships. Reassessing our role as a mother – from mum guilt to empty nesting. This is a time of rediscovering our identity as a woman.

And this can leave us questioning not just who we are, but our ability to go for it and follow our dreams. Especially when life throughs curveballs and the can’ts creep in. We start making excuses to ourselves. It’s not the right time. What would other’s think? I really shouldn’t…

So join your host Kate Porter The Midlife Metamorphosis Coach® and her guest Mother Motivator Mariner Marketer Felicity Ashley for Episode 028 as they talk about How to turn “I Can’t” into “I Can – and I Will”.

From overcoming initial Mum guilt to life-changing lessons in resilience and teamwork, Felicity shares how being part of the four-strong The Mothership crew rowing across the Atlantic has not just taught her to say “Yes” but also set an inspiring example of how ordinary women can do extraordinary things.

Felicity, who heads to Nepal the day this episode airs to run the Tenzing Hillary Everest Marathon, talks Kate through her mental and physical preparations for this latest adventure.  

Telling her story with humility and candour, Felicity reveals how the power of Mindset over matter has helped her navigate adversity including battling cancer. 

And she shares her top lessons learned for how to thrive amidst challenges, seize opportunities and surpass our goals by celebrating each step. 

Connect with Felicity

www.felicityashley.com

www.linkedin.com/in/felicityashley

https://www.instagram.com/felicityashleyspeaker

Register for the priority list for Felicity's book to be notified of release date, special offers and events at https://www.felicityashley.com/book-launch 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

Welcome to Midlife Unlimited, the podcast for women who want more. I'm your host, Kate Porter, the midlife metamorphosis coach, and I know what it feels like to be stuck navigating the midlife maze. I've looked in the mirror and thought, who is that woman? So Midlife Unlimited is here to let you know you are not alone. You don't have to put on a brave face and put up with it. You don't have to play it safe. Midlife Unlimited is all about ripping off that mask and telling midlife how it really is. Smashing stereotypes, busting myths and misbehaving because our second spring is our time to shine our way. So welcome to today's episode. Our midlife can often feel like we're going it alone. Friendships drifting, shifting relationships, kids growing up and leaving, forcing us to reassess our role as a mum. And at the same time, we're rediscovering our identity as a woman. And this can leave us questioning not just who we are, but our ability to go for it and follow our dreams. especially when life throws curveballs and the can'ts creep in. We can start making excuses to ourselves. It's not the right time. What would others think? I really shouldn't. So I'm delighted to be joined today by Felicity Ashley, mother, motivator, mariner and marketer, to talk about how to turn I can't into I can today. And I will. So welcome, Felicity.

SPEAKER_01: 1:46

Thank you very much, Kate. It's a pleasure to be here. I'm looking forward to our conversation.

SPEAKER_00: 1:52

I'm rather excited about our chat because Midlife Unlimited is all about celebrating ordinary women. doing extraordinary things. And you're a rather fabulous example of that. And if proof were needed, the day our episode comes out is the start of another adventure for you, isn't it? You're off to Everest.

SPEAKER_01: 2:14

I am. I have to say now, I'm not going right to the top. I'm going to base camp and then from base camp doing a marathon. So it will be a 10-day trek to base camp, a couple of nights there and then a marathon, which will wend its way slowly down.

SPEAKER_00: 2:29

Because am I right in saying it's on May the 29th and it celebrates Sir Edmund Hillary and Norgay Sherpa?

SPEAKER_01: 2:39

Yeah, exactly. It's yeah, that's the name is the Tenzing Hillary Everest Marathon. That's the proper name. Yeah. Yeah. And so it follows their route, really their pioneering route up Everest.

SPEAKER_00: 2:51

So how on earth? I mean, we're going to be talking about your transatlantic journey, your epic adventure later, but how do you go about training for something like this? Well

SPEAKER_01: 3:04

to start with you find people who know more about it than you do so that's certainly what I've done you know I'm you know surrounding myself with people who know a lot more about Everest and how to go about training and actually it's very different training from standard marathon training because you're not pounding the pavements for hours on end because the terrain itself is really tricky you know you're scrambling over rocks and over ice and so it's not it's it's certainly not about a time you know you're not going to be looking for a sub four or sub five or anything like that it's it's really about survival staying upright um and learning how to breathe in 50 oxygen um so it's very different training so there's a lot of and especially as to start with you've got a 10-day hike to get there um which takes you uphill pretty much all the way so there's a lot of long hikes um with kind of carrying weight um obviously running as well but a lot of running uphill so i'm doing quite a lot of treadmill work really building my kind of stamina on inclines. And then there's quite a lot of technical stuff. So working on my breathing and my respiratory muscle strength. So I've got a little contraption, which I use every day for 10 minutes or so to build up my breathing muscle and my lung capacity. And then I'm renting a special machine, commonly known as the R2-D2, which will almost simulate breathing. reduced oxygen levels. So I will sleep in, it will pump reduced oxygen air into a sort of a head tent and I'll sleep in that for the final month leading up to the event to get my body kind of used to surviving at, you know, high altitude.

SPEAKER_00: 4:45

It's absolutely amazing. I'm so excited because on your return, I'm going to grab you for a little live for five, I think, to give a little taste of our episode now, but to find out how you got on. But what I love is obviously you're taking hugely practical steps, as you say, getting help from people that know more than you do, which is so important because there's that phrase, you don't know what you don't know. So all these steps towards turning I can'ts into I cans. And later on, I'm delighted that you're going to be sharing your lessons learned from everything that you've been through in terms of mindset to motivate ourselves, to turn that I can't through small stepping stones into I can and I will. And I say, good luck. I won't say break a leg. Good luck. No, that's acting. I don't know if you're going to be doing that as well. You do take to the stage a lot. And I've watched so many of your talks and you are truly inspiring. But I'd love to know more about you. your transatlantic adventure. And I love your phrase as I introduced you, mother, motivator, mariner, marketer. Because as a mum as well, and you're a mum of three, aren't you? Mother first. So I'm intrigued to know, when you decided you were going to cross the Atlantic, four midlife mums going for it, was there any mum guilt involved?

SPEAKER_01: 6:22

There was, yes. And I think we all felt the mum guilt to, you know, to a greater or lesser degree because we had 11 children, or we still have, we have 11 children between us. At the time when I decided to do it, mine were two, four and six. So they were really little. And when we did it, they were then four, six and eight and my eldest turned nine when I was away. And so there's definitely that feeling of, Are they going to be okay without me? What am I putting them through for me to be able to do this? And there was also that feeling that, am I going to be judged by other people? So yes, there was mum guilt that we felt internally, but also there was that external kind of perception as well, which I think we all felt. And what are other mums going to think about us leaving our children, particularly as we were doing it over Christmas? which obviously is a big time as mums and as families. But I think the thing that really swung it for all of us was that, yes, the children might, you know, they would miss us and there would be some short-term kind of pain and adjustments for them, but the long-term benefits for them and the way that we could be an inspiration for them growing up was so important for us. And it was that that I think... clinched the deal almost and made sure that we did it and that was our motivation for doing it it was to show them that ordinary people ordinary working mums their own mums can do extraordinary things and therefore they can too and it was to encourage and inspire them to dream big and to show them that whatever they set their mind to as long as they're prepared to work hard and have the right attitude and approach to it they they can do anything they they choose to in life

SPEAKER_00: 8:07

I love that. I love that. And I think it was your sister Pip who originally came to you with the idea, wasn't it? So what was your first reaction?

SPEAKER_01: 8:20

Well, my initial reaction was, of course I can't do it. And I reeled off a list of reasons why I couldn't, including just having had a hip replacement. And also that the children were far too young. You know, I can't leave them for that long. But even as those words came out of my mouth, that wasn't a reflection of what I was feeling inside. My heart was on fire with excitement at the prospect of this thing because I'd thought about doing it already and I'd resolved that it was something I'd love to do at some point in life, perhaps not just yet, perhaps when my children were a little bit older and I wasn't so old, I couldn't do it. But then the opportunity came knocking two weeks after that and Pip called and asked if I wanted to do it because she had a boat. And I suppose it's a lesson that you just have to seize opportunities when they come along because you really don't know what's around the corner and what might happen tomorrow. And I think you mentioned it earlier, but the timing is never right. There's never a right time apart from now. So seize those opportunities because you don't know if they're going to come along again or you don't know if you'll be in a position to be able to take them again. No,

SPEAKER_00: 9:27

absolutely. And I know you speak a lot as well about the strength of, in a crew, the strength of finding your cheerleaders, your supporters. So I'm guessing, obviously, it wasn't all plain sailing, for want of a better word. How did the four of you motivate each other and lift each other up? Because I'm sure there were tough times.

SPEAKER_01: 9:51

They were. And I think it was all based upon a really deep fundamental understanding of each other and how we all operated. So we spent nearly two years training together. So although we didn't all know each other beforehand, there was a link between everybody or all of us on the boat. And we spent two years really getting to know each other. And it wasn't just a byproduct of two years training together. There were specific things. occasions and elements that we went through to really learn how each other what made each other tick so we did some something called insights profiling which is personality profiling to understand our motivations understand how to communicate with each other and that gave us a really good feeling for how we might react in different situations you know if you get a high pressure pressure situation some people might you know react one way other people might retreat into themselves for example and that enabled us to see those things and go, okay, well, I understand why that person is reacting in that way. Even if it's different to the way that you might respond to something. And then we just did really simple things like asking each other questions for what motivates you. And if you're having a bad day, how can I help pick you up? And so I knew that my sister needed a hug. You know, that's what she needs when she's feeling low. I knew that Lebby, one of the other girls in the crew, needed a cup of tea. And those are just really simple things that, you know, you might dismiss as being irrelevant, but actually during the row, there were things that we used and they really, really helped because it was those small gestures that made each one of us feel seen, feel heard, feel understood and valued. And that goes a huge way to helping with those kind of crew or team bonds and team connections and helping people pull together in stressful situations rather than fall apart

SPEAKER_00: 11:46

absolutely because so often it is the little things isn't it it's it's not the massive gestures it's the small gestures that show that you're empathizing you you get them you get each other

SPEAKER_01: 11:57

yeah yeah yeah absolutely and um talking about small things as well it was it was not like letting small niggles escalate into big problems so we held you know very practical things like daily crew meetings on the boat where we'd have about 10 15 20 minutes um where we were all on deck together and everyone had five minutes to talk about how they were feeling both physically and emotionally and mentally. And that enabled us to get any issues out in the open very early on and solve them very early on and then move on beyond them. And everyone knew that we had that time every day. So it wasn't a case of if you were feeling something, you just let rip. You knew that you had a slot in the day when you could talk about it without judgment or without fear or anything else. And it was a really good system and process to have to keep us kind of on an

SPEAKER_00: 12:51

even keel,

SPEAKER_01: 12:51

if you

SPEAKER_00: 12:52

like. I think that's so important, both in social friendships and in professional teams, isn't it? To feel you're being heard, to feel that you've got a space to have a voice.

SPEAKER_01: 13:06

Yeah, especially when, you know, in life, in work, in all situations, you're going to have different characters. And some people are naturally more introverted than others. Some people are, you know, like to be the loudest voice and are always the people that are heard. And unless you have those mechanisms to make sure that everyone's voices are heard, it can be really difficult for those people who are more introverted. So I think it's really important to create those opportunities for everybody to voice whatever they want to voice.

SPEAKER_00: 13:37

Now, I'm sure our listeners will be like me at the moment, just trying to picture that the mothership was the name of the boat, wasn't

SPEAKER_01: 13:45

it? The mothership was the name of the crew.

SPEAKER_00: 13:46

Oh, the crew, sorry.

SPEAKER_01: 13:48

The boat was something different.

SPEAKER_00: 13:50

Because it was your brother-in-law's boat, I think. Hadn't he previously done it, which is another reason why you're like, well, if he can do it...

SPEAKER_01: 13:57

Yes, exactly. So the boat was called Mrs Nelson, and boats' names never changed from the day that they were constructed. So the boat was Mrs Nelson, which is Nelson's Harbour is the destination in Antigua that we go to, and the mothership was the name of our crew.

SPEAKER_00: 14:12

So what kind of size are we talking? And how long did it actually take to cross that Atlantic?

SPEAKER_01: 14:20

So the boat is 28 feet, so bigger than a regular rowing boat, but... small in terms of something to cross the Atlantic in it has three rowing positions so which means that three people can row at any one time although the standard shift pattern for a crew of four is two rowing two resting um for two hours two hours on two hours off um And there are two cabins, one at each end of the boat. So I was in the bow cabin, which was the larger of the two cabins. And it was long enough for me to lie down in, but I'm only small, I'm five foot four. The stern cabin was the smaller of the cabins. And in that one, you had to lie down, you had to kind of slot your legs under the front rowing position. So it was almost like climbing into a coffin. Really, really tiny. So, you know, you had to take the bare minimum with you. There was no room for luxuries on board. um and it took us 40 days so that was rowing at a minimum two hours on two hours off 24 hours a day for 40 days so we left on the 12th of December and finished the race in Antigua on the 21st of January I

SPEAKER_00: 15:28

love I think I'm correct in saying there were 37 boats taking part and you came lucky for you number 13

SPEAKER_01: 15:36

yeah we did yeah Which was amazing. You know, I think nobody really expected much of us being midlife mums. I think... You know, people probably thought we'd float in somewhere near the back of the fleet. Have a go. But, you know, not doing anything particularly. Bless them. They're doing their best. Middle aged women.

SPEAKER_00: 15:56

They're having hot flushes as they go. Don't worry.

SPEAKER_01: 15:59

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, we worked really hard. We trained really hard because we wanted to challenge those perceptions about what midlife women can do. And I think we're all proud of being strong, capable women. And we channel that into our training. And, you know, we got physically fitter and stronger than we'd ever been. And we were really competitive. And I think that really surprised people from the off. There was another female four who declared that they were going to win the race and everything else, almost dismissing us as competition at all. And that really got our backs up. You know, quietly, we were feeling that they declared they were going to win the race. And actually, we raced neck and neck. When I say neck and neck, they were hundreds of miles further north. But we were, in terms of distance to Antigua, we were neck and neck for almost the entire race. They did, in the end, hit us to the post. But, you know, it was testament to, I think, both cruise strengths that we could raise it up a gear, lift it up a gear in that kind of racing situation that neither of us had expected to be in and be really competitive. And that, I am sure, made us go faster than we would have done otherwise. But, yeah, we were really competitive, not just amongst the women's cruise, but also the men's and the mixed cruise. It was a mainly male-dominated race. um but you know we were we were up there in 13th out of 37 and so so proud and not only what we achieved but how we'd achieved it as well the way you know the camaraderie between us as a crew the way we'd work together and overcome endless different challenges to even get to the start line

SPEAKER_00: 17:36

so how did it feel when you stepped off in Antigua oh

SPEAKER_01: 17:41

it was unbelievable it was a bit like a fairy tale we felt coming round into English Harbour you know you've been at sea for 40 days haven't seen or heard anyone else really apart from on the radio and suddenly there's just this cacophony of sounds and lights and there was music and boats all around us and we felt somewhere between celebrities and superheroes it was just incredible um I think it's most things in life don't live up to your expectations but this one absolutely did more it was an incredible incredible experience and then of course we all of our families had flown out to see us so you know the first time we've seen our children in two months and that was just wonderful seeing you know hearing their voices we could hear them when we crossed the finishing line because they were up on the fort in English Harbour, and then seeing their little faces, albeit covered in masks, because it was during COVID, was just brilliant. And, you know, the pride on their faces, and my parents were there as well, and that was just wonderful.

SPEAKER_00: 18:48

So what was the first things your little one said to you?

SPEAKER_01: 18:50

Hello, Mummy. Probably... I can't actually remember. I think it was more just the gripping on tight, the hugs. You know, my youngest was four and she was clinging tightly to me like a little monkey. And then the boys sort of clambering around my legs. But the funny thing was, you have a meal presented to you when you get off the boat. It's your first kind of proper meal, which is burger and chips. But I don't think any of us had a single mouthful because the kids all wolfed it down. They were almost more interested in the food than the mummies, I think.

SPEAKER_00: 19:29

But I think you hear it so often when parents do extraordinary things and the kids are young, the kind of realisation it can take quite a while for it to actually sink in and put mummy first. and equate mummy to this woman that has just rode across the Atlantic. So do you think the older your children get, the more they'll be like, blink a neck, that was my mum did that.

SPEAKER_01: 19:52

Yeah, I'm sure. And actually we see that already. You know, they totally took it in their stride. And one of the most brilliant things is that they don't think it's extraordinary. They don't think it's anything unusual. And that's the most fabulous thing because they'll grow up assuming that they can do those things too. But to your point, yes, definitely. I think the significance of what we did is sinking in more and more as they get older. And in fact, on Friday, my middle and youngest are still in primary school and we had the Mother's Day church service. And my eldest stood up and read, I think it was a prayer or a poem about their mum. And, you know, he started with, my mummy is brave. And that all stems from rowing across the Atlantic. So it's, you know, their notion of what we achieved is in there and it kind of builds over time, I think. And they do talk about it quite a lot. You know, just in random conversations, they'll pipe up, my mummy rowed the Atlantic. So they're deeply proud. Well,

SPEAKER_00: 20:52

I think that's wonderful because you say you're creating, I mean, legacy is an overused word, but you are just opening up those channels and encouraging the whole growth mindset and the ability to think, yes, this is possible. And even if I can't do it now, I mean, we were talking before about the word yet, and it's such a powerful, those three letters can really change how we view the possibilities out there. And I know we're going to be touching on your lessons learnt later on, but I would like to talk a little bit, if that's all right, about after the euphoria happened, of crossing the Atlantic and the amazing bond and teamwork. A blinking great curveball.

SPEAKER_01: 21:38

Yeah. A whopping great curveball. Yes. So the first question I was asked when I finished the row on the podium at the end was, what's your next challenge? And I was slightly taken aback by this thinking, I've only just finished one. And I bobbed it off saying something along the lines of, I think my next challenge will be staying at home for Christmas next year. And but little did I know there was a challenge brewing and a few weeks after finishing the row, I was then diagnosed with stage three bowel cancer. It didn't exactly come out of the blue because I'd had symptoms, which is why I went to the doctor and got my diagnosis. And with the benefit of hindsight, the symptoms had started during the row. And I'd won a boat award called Mother Most Likely to Need an Inconvenient Poo on Night Shift. It was a glamorous title. But, you know, of course, at the time, we put it down to this strange thing that we were doing and the food that we were eating because there was nothing normal about what we were doing. So there was every reason to expect a change in bowel habits. And it was only really when I got back and that change in bowel habits didn't settle down. In fact, it got worse and I started to notice blood as well. that I thought I'd better go and get this checked out. So yes, that was my next challenge, a very different challenge, but in many ways a large, you know, much bigger challenge. But one that I felt completely prepared for in many ways, because I'd just done the Atlantic row, you know, I knew that I was mentally and physically resilient and robust. And it was a case of taking the lessons learned through the row and that was mental and physical resilience and applying it to this next challenge of, of dealing with cancer through surgery and then chemo. So it would have been easy, I think, at that point for me to think, why me? You know, I've got three young children. I'm fitter and stronger than I've ever been. I'm healthy. Well, I feel healthy. Why me? But I suppose because of all those reasons, I actually thought, well, why not me? I've got the physical strength and fitness to get through this and I'm better placed than most people to tackle this challenge.

SPEAKER_00: 23:51

I love that. And when we were chatting, because I do like to have a little pre-chat just to get to know each other a bit more. And you used a wonderful phrase. You said, I conquered the Atlantic. I'm not going to let this take me down.

SPEAKER_01: 24:06

Yeah, and I describe that as being a little bit of belligerence. I haven't just done this incredible feat now to be taken down by cancer. I want to be able to enjoy this for a little bit longer. And I suppose there was also something in the fact that cancer is so prevalent. One in two of us will get it at some point in our lives. When I did the row, only 250 women had done that. And I thought, well, if I can be one of 250 women to row an ocean, then I can be one of the people that gets through this and survives this. And that, in many ways, gave me a huge amount of strength through it. But there was also a huge... heart about being a mum and having three small dependent children, which was a positive as well, because lots of people said to me through it and afterwards, how on earth did you cope going through cancer treatment with three small children? Well, they were in many ways my lifeline because I had to get up every day and look after them. You know, their lives didn't stop because I had cancer and I was having treatment. And it was a reason and a motivation to pull myself together, to get out of bed and to keep myself going. And I think whenever you're facing challenges, having that motivation or that why, that light at the end of the tunnel, that reason to keep going is so, so important. And, you know, my children were definitely my motivation through my cancer treatment, but also through the row itself. They were almost the beacon at the end that was keeping us all going.

SPEAKER_00: 25:34

No, absolutely. No, I talk a lot about a why. And I know, again, and sadly, it's one of those overused phrases, but I think it's going to come up a bit when we go into your lessons learned. But for the listeners that don't know you, as well as these extraordinary feats that you achieve, you've also got over 20 years as a marketing leader in blue chip companies. And I love how in your role as a keynote speaker, you weave all these lessons together. So let's have a chat about the lessons you've learned and how we and our fabulous female listeners can turn those I can'ts into I can and I will ditching the shoulds as we've mentioned fear of judgments because I know you're all about we can achieve more than we think we can we

SPEAKER_01: 26:33

can and For most people, I think you only realise that when you're faced with a challenge, maybe that you haven't chosen, you know, when you're faced with something like a cancer diagnosis or a different challenge and you just have to get through it. And that's when I think most people appreciate their resilience and their strength and their capacity to overcome adversity. But we've all got that capability. If we're prepared and we have the courage to challenge ourselves and to be proactively challenging ourselves, And so often it's our own limiting beliefs and our, you know, perceptions of ourselves and our abilities that hold us back. It's not necessarily other people. It's us. And that's one thing that I really learned through the row. When my sister asked me to do the row and I was, you know, I gave her a few excuses. They weren't feeble excuses. They were quite good excuses, I think, having just had a hip replacement. But she said to me stop giving me reasons why you can't and start giving me reasons why you can and it just struck a chord with me and when I put down the phone I was literally just glowing and I was fizzing with excitement because I knew I was going to say yes and I just realised that the only person standing in my way of doing this with me and the power to say yes lay firmly in my hands and In almost all cases, that's the case. It's down to us to take that first step, to commit, to say yes, and to empower ourselves. You know, nobody else can do that for us, really. But sure, people can help you, help sometimes open the door. They can help lift you up. But actually, the first step is always committing and, you know, in your mind saying, I can and I will. Saying yes.

SPEAKER_00: 28:26

And as we say, it's having that focus. It's not just I want to do X. It's what X would mean to you in terms of how would it make you feel, what other opportunities. And it doesn't have to be rowing the Atlantic. It doesn't have to be doing the Everest base marathon. It can be just small things because you talk about stepping stones and I love stepping stones. The incremental actions that lead to success. wonderful results

SPEAKER_01: 28:57

absolutely um one of my favorite mantras quotes if you like is you don't have to be great to start but you do have to start to be great and nobody and nobody is born brilliant at whatever they go on to do everyone starts somewhere and that's always at the very beginning and I think that is such an important lesson to remember and because again you know when you're thinking about taking on a big goal or somebody is suggesting, you know, at work, perhaps somebody gives you massive great targets and you think, I can't do that. I think we all have those. Again, it comes back to limiting beliefs, but it's not about being able to do it right now. It's about learning how to do it and taking the first step. And when you can break it down into those little by-the-side daily steps, it becomes manageable and you don't need to worry about that end goal in the end. It's just about what you need to do now. But what's the next thing? What's the first thing I need to do? And in that way, you can kind of, it removes that daunting fear of the huge, great target at the end and it makes it all manageable and achievable and something that you can do. And again, those little steps are things that you can take off and congratulate yourself for achieving and to show your progress rather than you know if you look on a big big chart and you're only kind of one 365th on the way to your target then it's demoralizing but but it's focusing on those little wins and those little steps that we can all take and as i say the first one is always just commitment in your mind saying yes you know switching that flicking that switch and saying well i can and i will i will find find a way

SPEAKER_00: 30:39

I love that. Because I actually have, I don't have a to-do list. I have a to-da list. So there, when you've done something, you can go, ta-da! I love that. But as you say, it's focusing as well on things that light you up. Because I think when you have that inner, and again, passion is something that people talk about so much. But when you find something that does light you up, that gives you that spark, it's nurtures the motivation doesn't it and it because it's about being accountable to yourself isn't it we say sod everyone else you're doing this for you because at the end of the day you're your own best friend this is about you and everyone else will benefit when you feel great about yourself

SPEAKER_01: 31:29

yeah completely and I I think it's unrealistic to expect to achieve huge goals if your heart's not in it it's got to be something unless it's you know unless it's getting through a you know health challenge or something that is thrust upon you if you are taking on other goals you have to want to do it because if the motivation and the desire is not there you're not going to do it you're going to find reasons to give up um so that inner desire and passion is so important and for me it's a way of helping me make decisions. It's not about saying yes to everything. It's about saying yes to the right things. And when I've said yes, I call it my all-in approach. I'm either in or I'm out, but I'm not wavering somewhere in between. And I think that comes down to your passion and desire to do something. So, you know, I'm not going to give the Everest thing a half-hearted go. I'm all in to do the best I can. But equally, I could have said, well, it's not for me. I'm not going to do it at all. So it's about not... Not sitting on the fence, I suppose. All in, all out, but nothing in between.

SPEAKER_00: 32:34

I love that. And the fact that realising that it's perfectly all right if you don't want to do something rather than half committing and then thinking, I really don't want to be doing this, but I feel I should. No, having the strength of mind because you know what you really want to say, actually, thank you very much, but this isn't for me.

SPEAKER_01: 32:56

Absolutely, yeah. It's perfectly okay to say no. In fact, we have to be brave enough to say no to so many things, because otherwise we are run ragged and end up, you know, in a horrible state of burnout. You have to be able to prioritize the things that make sense for you and the people around you at any given point in time. And I think a nice little tool that I think about is imagine... Imagine how you'll feel if you do it versus imagine how you feel if you don't. And that will give you your answer. You know, just visualize the end result. Does that make you feel good? Does that not make you feel good? And that's your answer to doing it or not doing it. Yes, there will be other factors sometimes in the people around you and family and friends and it might be work or whatever. But it's a really good, I think, indication of whether it's the right thing for you or not. And I think the beauty of midlife is that a lot of the time we do develop this strength of mind and knowing ourselves to be able to make those decisions and to not worry quite so much about what other people think of us. Whereas when you're younger, you can be more easily influenced by other people, I think, and by doing what you think is the right thing or what you think other people are expecting you to do rather than what the right thing for you is. I

SPEAKER_00: 34:13

love that. I love that. It's all about finding what motivates us, isn't it? Which I do like a segue, leads me quite neatly into the three questions that I ask each of my fabulous female guests. And I'm not going to let you escape Felicity, I'm afraid. But they are all about motivation and what inspires you. So I would love to know your answer to my first question. What is your midlife anthem, the piece of, I wonder if you played it on the ship, boat, the piece of music that fires you up?

SPEAKER_01: 34:50

The one that I've chosen is now my, as a keynote speaker, my walk on music. It's called Fight Song by Rachel Platham. I don't know if you know

SPEAKER_00: 34:59

it. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 35:00

But the words are so... relevant and significant to my story it starts with being on a little boat on you know on the sea and the waves that you make and then it goes into kind of a stirring chorus all around this is my fight song and it's about almost pushing aside your past and now coming back stronger than ever and there's a brilliant line which is you know my power's turned on and I think that's such a brilliant thing for midlife you know now is the time I'm strong I'm capable I've got this this sound understanding of who I am and what I want to do and what I want to be. And I'm going to seize that power.

SPEAKER_00: 35:39

Yeah. And take back our power. Stop wasting it on things that we can't control on people that bring us down. No. Oh, oh, I've got goosebumps. I know it can

SPEAKER_01: 35:49

tingle down my spine.

SPEAKER_00: 35:51

I know. I know. Well, now I want to know question two. What is your midlife mantra? The phrase that you live your midlife by?

SPEAKER_01: 36:02

I have lots of phrases that I like to use, but I was thinking about this and it's a really simple one. It's just why not? When somebody suggests something or if you're saying you're doing something, people go, why? And my response is always, well, why not? I can and I will. So why not? And I just I just love that. It's a really different way of looking at looking at life. You know, why not see these opportunities that come along? Why not go and do crazy things? Because we can.

SPEAKER_00: 36:31

Absolutely. And that's what our conversation today has been all about, isn't it? I can and I will. And this leads me into my third question, which is a bit different this week, dear listeners, because normally I ask, what would the title of your autobiography be? But Felicity, drum roll, please. Your book, I can't wait to read it, is soon to come out. Now, we're keeping the title under wraps, but how are you feeling? I'm

SPEAKER_01: 37:01

really excited. Being a published author is never something I thought I would be. In fact, I've said for years I would rather stick pins in my eyes than write a book. And I think that stems from just getting thoroughly cheaped off with having to write essays and dissertations through school and university, you know, A-levels and university and all that, and just being over education and writing. But it also comes down to you need something to write about. You need to have a story or a reason to put pen to paper. And I didn't really have anything that I felt particularly strongly about before the row and then the cancer and everything that's followed. And so for me, the writing of the book has been a really cathartic experience. I've really enjoyed it. It's about getting all of that onto paper. But it's also been inspired by other people, really, because I've had so many people that have asked me if I've got a book and they'd love to read my story. And it's, again, having that motivation and that appreciation that people are inspired by it. They do want to know more about it and that I can help other people at different stages of life approach or see life in a different way. So I'm super excited about the book coming out. It's going to be published on the 10th of July. We're just putting together sort of a PR marketing plan around that now. Yeah. So soon I will be a published author.

SPEAKER_00: 38:26

What's this space? Oh, I'm so excited for you and I can't wait to read it. Now, I know there are going to be so many people listening, men and women that would love to get in contact with you. Now, all your contact details are on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website where you've got your own guest profile and they'll be on the show notes for our episode. But briefly, how can people connect with you?

SPEAKER_01: 38:50

I do lots of, I'm very active on LinkedIn. So I think I'm the only Felicity Ashley on LinkedIn. So please do follow me, connect with me on LinkedIn. I'd be delighted to hear from you. Or my website is felicityashley.com. I'm also on Instagram, although slightly less frequently on Instagram as well at Felicity Ashley Speaker. So yeah, I would love to have some more followers from your lovely listeners.

SPEAKER_00: 39:15

Oh, and we'll be looking out for updates from Everest. I don't know if you're going to be able to post from there. How's it going to work? Are you sending photos and people are going to be putting posts on or just wait till you get back? I haven't quite, I hope,

SPEAKER_01: 39:30

no, I hope I will be able to do some posting during the trip itself. I haven't quite worked that out. I need to work out what the availability of Wi-Fi and everything else is. Or whether, as you say, I need to have somebody stationed back at home that's doing my social media posts for me. But yeah, I will definitely be, making sure that I'm capturing lots of good content. This

SPEAKER_00: 39:48

will be another book in the making, won't it? Your kind of video diary. You can do a little documentary or something. I

SPEAKER_01: 39:55

just hope there's not another nasty twist in the tale at the end of this one.

SPEAKER_00: 39:59

But we'll see. We'll see. You're going to have a fabulous time. Really excited to find out. So, listeners, how can you get in contact with me as well? Well, I'd love your feedback on today's conversation because I've loved it. It's been... so inspiring and so many golden nuggets and I say I can't wait for you to join me live for five when you return from Everest so it'd be fabulous if you could leave a review or you can email or text me via the link in the show notes and come and join the Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook group the links in the show notes too where you'll also find details of the website and my exclusive VIP midlife metamorphosis coaching so thank you Thank you so much for joining me today, Felicity. It's been an absolute joy. Thank you all for listening. I look forward to you tuning in next week. Don't forget there's a new episode of Midlife Unlimited every Thursday available wherever you listen to your podcasts. So here's to being fabulous and flourishing together and to living Midlife Unlimited. Thank you so much, Felicity. Bye. Thank you.