Episode #031 How to Help your Teens get Money Confident as a Midlife Mum with Guest Lesley Thomas

There’s much talk about us being the sandwich generation – stuck in the middle between being financially responsible for our teenagers while facing the changing care needs of our aging parents.

And the pressure this brings can be immense… overwhelming.

Money plays a huge part in it. Not just in terms of the worry whether we have enough of it – but how we actually think about money. How we feel about it. And the actions we take based on this.

And all too often this can result in a classic case of monkey see, money do with our kids. Our children are watching us. But are we embodying money confidence? Are we having those conversations with our kids about money?

If this resonates, join your host Kate Porter The Midlife Metamorphosis Coach® and her guest founder of The Money Confidence Academy Lesley Thomas for Episode 031 of Midlife Unlimited® as they talk about How to Help your Teens get Money Confident as a Midlife Mum.

With money mindset becoming a buzzword, Lesley explains to Kate how money mindset is the stepping stone towards the goal of money confidence. And the pair discuss the connection between money and our emotions, and how it’s not too late for us Midlife mums to create the right habits to support our kid’s financial future.

Tune in too for Lesley’s top tips for nurturing our own money confidence so that we can empower the next generation by helping our kids do the same.

This episode is packed with golden nuggets for how we can build both our own and our children’s money confidence, and insights and inspiration for the impact this will have on our kids’ financial independence. 

Connect with Lesley

 http://www.themoneyconfidenceacademy.com

 And listen to her podcast Let’s Talk Money and More

http://pod.link/1597694446

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

Welcome to Midlife Unlimited, the podcast for women who want more. I'm your host, Kate Porter, the midlife metamorphosis coach, and I know what it's like to feel stuck navigating the midlife maze. I've looked in the mirror and thought, who is that woman? So Midlife Unlimited is here to let you know you are not alone. You don't have to put on a brave face and put up with it. You don't have to play it safe. Midlife Unlimited is all about ripping off that mask and telling midlife how it really is. Nothing is off limits because together there's no limit to what we can achieve. So, Welcome to today's episode. Now, there's much talk about us being the sandwich generation, stuck in the middle between being financially responsible for our teenagers while facing the changing care needs of our ageing parents, if we're lucky enough to have ageing parents. And the pressure this brings can be immense. Overwhelming, really. And money plays a huge part in it, not just in terms of the worry we have enough of it, but of how we actually think about money, how we feel about it and the actions we take based on this. And all too often, this can result in a classic case of monkey see, monkey do with our kids. Our children are watching us, but are we embodying money confidence? Are we having those conversations with our kids about money? So I'm delighted to be joined by my guest today, Leslie Thomas, founder of the Money Confidence Academy, money at home and money at school, with its mission to impact one million teens by nurturing their financial confidence to talk about how to help your teens get money confident as a midlife mum. So welcome, Leslie. It's fabulous to have you here.

SPEAKER_01: 2:09

Thank you, Kate. It's absolutely brilliant to be here and I cannot wait for our conversation.

SPEAKER_00: 2:14

That's actually quite a long intro, I realise that, but it's something that I'm very passionate about. I mean, I'm mummy to a 23-year-old. He's now out there in the big bad world. But it is a time of... As I just said, monkey see, monkey do, isn't it? And I'm sure it's starting earlier now. You know, I said teenagers. I would reckon probably from age 10 or so upwards, they're starting to get aware, aren't they, of money, of cards. Even younger. Absolutely,

SPEAKER_01: 2:46

even younger than that, our relationship with money, our money mindset is actually set, not starting, set by the age of seven. So those messages that we are putting out there as parents, a phrase that I have coined, we as parents are the authors of our children's money story. And number of clients I have had who have come to me as a result of becoming aware that their relationship with money It doesn't just affect them. It affects their children. It's the gift, the legacy, the albatross around their neck that they don't mean to pass on to their children. They're oblivious very often they've passed on to their children. But as you said, our children are watching us, are soaking up like sponges, not only what we say, but what we're doing now. from a really young age. And that impact is being felt really hardly in a real hard way if we are not aware that that is going on.

SPEAKER_00: 3:59

No, I mean, it's, like I said, the word overwhelming. I think, I don't think I'm overplaying it here. I think it is something that we really need, and I don't do shoulds, but it's something that is really important to actually be talking about here on Midlife Unlimited. Now, I'm all about metamorphosis mindset and money mindset is a phrase that I'm hearing more and more. And I think it's perhaps in danger of becoming a buzzword. And that's why I love the fact that you don't just talk about money mindset. You talk about money confidence. And we'll be delving later on into the difference between the two and how... Because I love the way, in simpler terms, you say money mindset is the stepping stone to the goal that is money confidence. But also later on, and this is going to be so powerful, you'll be sharing your top tips for nurturing our money confidence so that we can help our kids to do the same. Yeah, absolutely. But one thing I'd like to start with, just to set the scene. is this disconnect between the information that our kids, and as you say, for our money mindset to be created, crafted by the age of seven, the information they're getting in schools. I mean, am I right? You said it's like an hour a year.

SPEAKER_01: 5:26

Some schools are dedicating an hour a year to their students as far as teaching them about money. And let's be fair let's not have a go at the schools because they are no no no absolutely they're under a lot of pressure to deliver results but they're under pressure to deliver the wrong results qualifications are important but qualifications and their importance come to an end fairly quickly, but certain life skills are just that. They are skills that are required for our entire life. And for 87% of 11 to 18 year olds to say they do not feel confident managing money, that is on the schools, but actually more importantly, It is on the parents because we know money is not being spoken about enough in schools, yet we are accepting that as the school's responsibility. However, the reason why parents are not confident talking to their children about money is it's because they weren't given those skills when they were younger. And so the ripple effect continues in a really negative way. So I feel it is upon me and people like me who are money coaches, who are mindset coaches, who have that level of confidence to talk about money, to help parents to understand money. doesn't need to be complicated. You don't need to be a financial advisor. You just need to start with the real basics of opening up that conversation and being honest with your child that you might not have all the answers, just like you might not know the name of every single prime minister in this country. Are we concerned? Do you know? I

SPEAKER_00: 7:37

struggle to remember the name of the current prime minister let alone the past

SPEAKER_01: 7:42

one but we should be viewing our inability if we don't know everything about money and most people don't know everything about money just to say I don't know the answer but let's go and find out together to put your hand up to ask questions and to have confidence that you're going to find the right person to ask that question of. Because that's what we want to instill in our children is the ability to have confidence in asking questions. And that relates to every aspect of their lives, not just money, but if we, from a young age, encourage their questions encourage their curiosity then that confidence and curiosity is not going to stop as it does right now is not going to stop when it comes to finding out about money it's going to enable them to want to talk more about money and find out how it works for them

SPEAKER_00: 8:49

I mean, I'm going to quote one of your best quotes right back. Knowledge is wealth, isn't it? It's that curiosity. And so often we don't want to be seen as ignorant. And I'm doing quote marks, but it is far healthier to actually, as you just said, admit, I don't know. I don't know. Rather than pretending or fluffing over it or changing the subject. And another thought I just had as well. I mean, we all... have the conversation, facts of life. And this really should become part of a whole facts of life package, shouldn't it? Exactly that. You know, we worry about talking about other things, but if anything, this is probably as, if not more important. Well, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01: 9:46

It's certainly as important without a shadow of a doubt. And you are right. Why do we feel, you know, we know, you know, when the conversation about the birds and the bees is going to come up now children we kind of know we're approaching that conversation with when they're going to ask me what they're going to ask me what should i say how should i say it how much should i tell them but when it comes to money you don't need to worry about how much should i tell them tell them as much as they need to know as much as they want to know you know my very first tip the easiest tip is to say to your children what do you want to know about money As simple as that. What do you want to know? And then remember back to what did you want to know when you were their age? Because you can relate back to, well, when I was younger and I can remember my dad always sitting with his checkbook and bank statements and ticking things off and I had no idea what he was doing. Well, did you ask him? Did you try to understand why he was doing that activity? What he was doing was balancing his checkbook and checking that what was coming out was meant to come out. And if the check hadn't already come out, he had to account for, oh, that check hasn't been put through the bank yet. Now, we don't have to worry about checks being balanced these days because how many, I do not remember the last time I wrote a check, probably going back a couple of years but that in itself is another indicator money has changed so much since we were growing up we learnt about the value of money because we had it physically coming into our hands and physically being handed over so we had that real emotional connection whereas for children it's the phone or it's the bank card it's the pen

SPEAKER_00: 11:48

That whole tap mentality, you almost forget that you're spending. Exactly. Absolutely that. And the scrolling, the tap when you've already got cards uploaded or whatever. I mean, I know I've done it. I've sat there. The film's a bit dull. You think, oh, I'll just nip onto a pre-loved clothing site of some sort or other. And oh, that looks quite nice. Tap, tap, tap. When it actually arrives, you think, what on earth? I don't even remember buying that what is it you know exactly and and it's the whole as we you know saying about with the kids social media pressure from peers misinformation surely that's a potential minefield as well when you get a little group of kids together that have heard a little bit about this and a little bit about that They could come up with all sorts.

SPEAKER_01: 12:44

Absolutely, because it's very true. If you are not talking to your children about money, who is? And that who is, is that the kind of person that you would want to be talking to your children about money? I did a little informal poll on Facebook probably about 12 months ago, and I asked who understood the term money mulling. And most people came back. They did not have a clue what money mulling is. Money mulling is when somebody approaches somebody with a bank account and says to them, do me a favor. Will you look after this thousand pounds for me? And I'll tell you where to send it. And then for your effort, I'll give you 250 quid, whatever. Now, to a young teenager, they go, God, 250 quid, no way to do it.£1,000 into my bank and then pass it on. Yeah, I'll do that. That's money mulling because that money, sure as eggs are eggs, has been gotten through ill-gotten gains, basically. It'll be drug running. It'll be some kind of criminal activity and they want that money cleansed. The way you clean that money... It's like money

SPEAKER_00: 14:00

laundering

SPEAKER_01: 14:01

in my mind. It's exactly that. It's money laundering. But to that teenager... 250 quid, 100 quid, whatever it might be, is easy money. That easy money could end up you having a criminal record. You could end up with a criminal record that then affects your ability to get a job, that then affects your ability to get a mortgage, and so on. The number of people who looked at that post and said, no, I have no idea what money mulling is. So if the parents don't know what it is, how can they advise the children? what it is and it's because a lot of what our children are learning exactly as you've said is from tick tock it's from people who have don't have their best interests at heart are purely after what's in it for them so burying your head in the sand as a parent and saying too uncomfortable to talk about money i've never been particularly good with it so i really can't talk to my child because i'm not qualified That is not true. If you're not good with money as you perceive it, this is your opportunity to understand what your child wants to know about money and help them to find out more. Because they only need to know certain things. How to budget. how to make money, how to set goals and how to save. That's all they need to know to begin with. Investing does come into it, absolutely. And not everybody knows the difference between saving, saving, short term, putting money away, investing, growing your money for the longer term. Don't necessarily need to know about that initially, but you do need to know how to make money, how to budget, how to set goals and how to save. Every parent, Every parent has the ability to talk about that. Whether they do it is a different matter, but that is the connection they need to make with regards to monkey see, monkey do. Because if you want your children to be developing the right behaviours, the right habits, then it's a good idea to start developing the right behaviours, the right habits for yourself. And if the catalyst for doing that Is your child nothing wrong with it? Pat yourself on the back for saying, I haven't done it till now, but I want my child to have the good behavior. So I'm going to start right now and be honest with them. Just say, if you haven't had those good behaviors yourself, say, I've got to be honest with you. I have been a bit rubbish with money myself, but it hasn't served me. So I want to encourage you to be better with money than I have been. Feel no shame. about that. Feel no shame. Instead, celebrate the fact that you're ready to do the right thing now. And I think that is worth celebrating in itself because your child has been the catalyst for you developing the right behaviours rather than you being the catalyst for your child having the wrong behaviours.

SPEAKER_00: 17:18

And it's a matter of celebrating and growing together as well, isn't it then? So you can set yourself little competitions. Yes,

SPEAKER_01: 17:26

exactly. And that is exactly, you can do these things together and you get joy from doing them together. You know, having little challenges, you know, setting challenges together, who can save the most in a month, who can achieve the goals they set themselves six months ago, whatever it might be, that bonding process rather than pulling back and pulling away because you're feeling uncomfortable because your uncomfortableness could actually be the thing that sets your child off inadvertently on the wrong path rather than them coming to you and saying, mum, I'm not sure about this. What should I do about it? And in being honest, they will recognise they can be honest with you as well. And that is when it's a real win-win.

SPEAKER_00: 18:18

Yeah, no, absolutely. Because, you know, it just struck me that obviously this is a time as well that can be rife with communication breakdowns between us and our little darlings for whatever reason. So any opportunity to actually establish communication good clear communications even if other areas are all going to shit at least if we can have conversations that are empowering that empower them because that's what you're all about isn't it you're by by empowering us we're empowering ourselves to empower our kids and And in turn, our grandkids, I mean, it's going to be self-perpetuating, isn't

SPEAKER_01: 19:05

it? Oh, it is. You know, massively so. You know, I can remember years ago, I went on a school exchange. I was only 16. Back in those days, you literally, you know, only had the money you went away with because, you know, there weren't debit cards or anything like that. I was in Belgium and we'd gone over on the ferry. I'd bought some perfume. And that night, that very first night we were there for a week that very first i was working out how much money i had left and i had done the wrong conversion so i'd spent far more on that bottle of perfume than the reality was of what i could afford versus the money that I had left. Now, if that had been today, I could have messaged my mum and dad and said, could you send me some more money over? Or I could have done a variety of things in order to resolve that problem. Instead, I had to really, really budget that. that entire week. Now that taught me a really good lesson and I have not made that mistake. Certainly made other mistakes so many over the years, but I never made that mistake again. But in that situation, I would have rung my mum and dad up and said, oh my God, I've miscalculated the francs versus the pounds. You know, can you help me out? And I would not have felt any shame in saying to my parents, I boobed you. Can you do me a favor? Could you put some more money into my bank account? Today, that would work. Back then, that wouldn't work because we didn't have the ability to send money anywhere. But because my parents had cultivated this environment where I could own up to my mistakes, then that gave me that assurance I could make mistakes faster. in a safe way. And that's what we want for our children, particularly when it comes to money, we want to create an environment as they go from being very young children with small amounts of money to being teenagers with larger amounts of money, we want them to feel as though they can make mistakes in a safe environment. And when they make those mistakes, They learn from them. But the reality is that is how we all learn. We largely learn the most from the things that we do wrong, not from the things that we have done right. So this isn't about creating a situation where no mistakes are ever made. It is about limiting the impact of those mistakes, helping our children as they grow from being, because I always say, start talking to your child around about the age of three or four. That's when they are cognizant enough to understand what money is. So from the age of three or four, start having the conversations, start giving them the right level of control around the amount of money they have, setting the goals that they want for that money. It might be a Build-A-Bear when they're five or six and saving up for that Build-A-Bear. But if all of a sudden they go to the shop and they decide they want to buy a load of sweets, and all of a sudden they haven't got enough money for Build-A-Bear, that's a great lesson for them to learn. Wants and needs, delayed gratification versus I want it now. So when we do that, we're starting to imprint on our children that money has a value, decisions have a value, and what value do we want to place on the decisions that we are making, allowing our children the freedom to make that mistake, but to do so in a way where they feel safe, protected, and have the ability to come to you and say, ma'am, I've made a mistake. Can you help me, please? No,

SPEAKER_00: 23:17

I love that. And it's just, you say, I love the phrase money confidence, as opposed to money mindset now you're working with kids and and what what age are you going is it 11 is it secondary school children yes so you've got there's two parts to it as i understand there's is it money at home And what's the school project?

SPEAKER_01: 23:45

So Money at Home and Money at School is the same content. It's just marketed differently. So Money at Home is for parents who don't want to wait until their school, if ever their school is going to deliver. Now, some schools will deliver practical information about money. But practical information is not enough information. Children need to have the right relationship with money in order to do the right things with the information they're given around money. I liken this to, in order to pass your practical driving test these days, you have to have first passed your theory test, the theory of driving. Now, a number of people will pass their theory test, but the thought of getting in a car and applying that theory to actually learn the doing terrifies them. Or they'll have lesson after lesson after lesson, but the thought of taking their practical driving test is something they cannot contemplate. That's because they don't have the completeness of the theory and the driving confidence combined. That's what money confidence is. You take financial literacy, You take money mindset, which is the internal conversation you're having with yourself about money and your value and what you perceive as your worth, et cetera, et cetera. But just because you're saying to yourself, I'm a millionaire, I'm a millionaire, I'm a millionaire, doesn't actually mean you're doing the things to make money. a millionaire. Money confidence is when you take what you've learned, you take what you're telling yourself and you apply it. You do something with it. It doesn't mean you don't make mistakes. It doesn't mean you have all the answers. It means you have the self-trust and the self-confidence to actually walk the walk and to learn from what you are doing. And that to me is the most important skill we can give to our children so schools just telling them about budgeting spreadsheets talking to them about maybe talking to them about saving and setting goals that's usually as far as a school will go but actually we need to be talking to them about their emotions around money their behavior around money because it's the emotion and the behavior that actually dictates how successful they are going to be financially. Knowing it all practically is not going to be where they are at when it comes to confidence. Because that part of society that very often has the most problems with money are those in the finance sector. Really? Absolutely. Those that practically know about money but have never been taught about the behaviors, the relationship, our whole sense of who we are, our sense of self-confidence and self-worth, because they haven't been taught about it, that is where it all unscrambles. So it is those in the finance industry that very often have the most challenging relationship with money, have the most problems, because they've been taught the theory, but they have not had any conversations about our relationship with money and how to have a confident relationship with money, which starts with self-trust, self-reliance and self-confidence.

SPEAKER_00: 27:42

So on a personal level, is it something that you started very young or have you learnt from thinking, perhaps I should have had these conversations a bit earlier with Mark? Because is it two you've got, haven't you? Two children, yeah. Two, yeah. Mine are now 16 and 19. And what they're really getting into the whole money thing now. Exactly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 28:05

What totally changed the game for me and my parenting without a shadow of a doubt was reading Rich Dad Poor Dad. Because I was going down the whole route of bringing my children up. from the perspective of, you know, work hard at school, go to university, get on the career ladder, and you keep going until you retire. It was only reading Rich Dad, Poor Dad, did I actually make the connection that you are putting your financial future in somebody else's hand, making somebody else's decision-making process dependent on whether or not you will have a pay rise, you will have a promotion, you will have a job, you will be made redundant, et cetera, et cetera. And that totally changed my relationship with money and then in turn, my parenting of my children. My children will tell you now, I allow them to make far more decisions than I would have probably done if I had not read that book. I allow them to make mistakes financially. Oh, mum, I haven't got enough money to last me till the end of the month. Well, I'm really sorry, but you shouldn't have bought X, Y, and Z. I did warn you, and they have learned that they have to respect money, they have to respect how they earn money, and they have to respect the ebb and flow of money in and out of their account. Because society and by society, I mean the likes of the online gaming companies, etc., that allow them to buy these skins and to buy this funny money, these V-Bucks, et cetera, you know, press of a button, press of a button. They're in a heightened state of, you know, dopamine flooding through their system. Buy, buy, buy, buy, buy. They don't make any connectivity.

SPEAKER_00: 30:14

It's the whole money and emotions thing as well, but in a bad

SPEAKER_01: 30:18

way, isn't it? Exactly that. But when they go, hang on, I can either buy this or... I can link back to what I want to do with the money in my bank account. What do I want more? They then have to make a decision. And for me, reading that book totally changed my need because I recognize I have a need to cause it my children, to protect my children, to make sure they never go without. Well, if you have that approach to parenting, then your children are not going to learn the skills they need to self-trust, to have self-confidence, to make that connection between I can spend it now or I can put it towards something bigger. What do I want to do? And that made such a difference to me and having more confidence in my own ability to allow my children to make their own decisions. Not in a way that was ever gonna put them in danger, but in a way that they built their own sense of self-trust, their own sense of what is possible for them. Because I think as parents, we want our children to believe they can have more, be more, do more than we ever did. Just like hopefully our parents. wanted for us and one way of doing that is around the whole money confidence piece because for most of us we weren't brought up with that approach of be more do more achieve more but when you have that and when your child believes it they start having that that increased sense of self-trust and that's what real money confidence is it is self-trust rather than saying I can't invest in myself. I can't invest in my education. I can't invest in my future because I'm going to get it wrong. I'm going to make a mistake. I'm not worthy of that. That's what I'm looking for. I can't achieve that. Instead, when you have that self-confidence, money confidence, you actually say, no, I'm going to make that investment in me, in my future, in my education, in my career, because I know I'm going to utilize it. And most importantly, I know that I am worth it. And once you make that connection to self-worth, That's when you have real self-agency in terms of doing the right things rather than just going, I'm never going to have that because. Instead, you connect to, I'm going to have that because I'm going to do the things that enable me to be able to have and achieve that.

SPEAKER_00: 33:23

I love that because it's just, it's a complete rethink of the whole thing. value and worth of money and actually how it relates to our value and worth and the choices, as you said, by taking a step back from that traditional mother hen, mother role that I know it's kind of, it fills innate in me as well. But that's so powerful what you said about saying, let them have the choices, the freedom to choose. think that mistakes or I like the phrase missteps as well because it's we learn from them and nothing is set in stone and oh this is so powerful I don't know about you listeners but I'm learning so much not in a regretful way in a positive way because there's always always ways we can go forward now we did promise that you'd be sharing top tips for how we can nurture our own money confidence so that we can nurture it in our kids. And you've already shared so many golden nuggets that you might have run out, but I doubt that very much. Or any recaps of what we've been talking about? I mean, I know the connection between money and emotions is something that's come through very powerfully for me. Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01: 34:47

And I think everything starts with You know, awareness of what is going on for us personally, for ourselves, before we can have that awareness of what is going on for us as far as being a parent is concerned. And so much of what holds us back is our internal dialogue, the conversation we have with ourselves. And this is where, you know, the mindset part comes into it. And lots of people... do recognize that they have lots of negative conversations with themselves. But what they don't realize is how often they have those negative conversations. So I always say to my clients is start off by really getting to know how often you are saying you're talking yourself out of something and it's as simple as taking you know a notebook and pen around with you for 24 hours yeah that's what yeah a little

SPEAKER_00: 35:51

diary of it yeah and giving it a name as well i find very positive and very helpful i mean mine's called deirdre because it's not us this this inner voice it's uh well someone else's opinion more often than not

SPEAKER_01: 36:07

absolutely But I don't get my clients to write down what comes out. I get them to write it down in the positive instead. Flip

SPEAKER_00: 36:15

it,

SPEAKER_01: 36:16

yeah. By flipping it, what you are doing is, well, first of all, the longer the list, the greater the awareness of how often you're having that internal conversation. By writing it down in the positive rather than the negative, you're actually creating affirmations that are personalized to you and what's going on. Because whilst I love affirmations, they are great for creating that environment of positivity for yourself, they are completely useless if the affirmations you are using are relevant to the person that created them, i.e. not you. So going back to the one I said earlier on, I'm a millionaire, I'm a millionaire, I'm a millionaire, and then you look at your bank account, and you haven't got a million pounds in there, then you're opening yourself up to your mindset saying, hang on a minute, you keep saying you're a millionaire. You're overdrawn. What the hell are you on about? So actually by being mindful of what that conversation is, and it could be as simple as, I'm going to go live on Instagram today because I know I've got to be more visible. I'm going to go and do it. And then your mindset says to you, hang on a minute. What do you mean you're going to go live? You never go live. You're rubbish at going live. Nobody's going to show up. Nobody's going to listen. Well, actually, by writing down, I'm rubbish when I go on Instagram. I am doing everything in my power to increase my visibility. Absolutely,

SPEAKER_00: 37:48

yeah, because that is the next step, isn't it? Exactly. From what it's saying to turning it around. No, love that, yeah. That's it. So

SPEAKER_01: 37:55

create that sense of awareness because then when you create that sense of awareness, when your child then comes to you and whatever it might be they say to you, so they might say, You might say, mum, I'm going to start saving for driving lessons. Oh, God, really? Do you know how expensive they are? Will you have enough money to be able to save for driving lessons? I wouldn't be thinking about that now. How helpful is that? Driving lessons are expensive. But instead, say to your child, good on you. That's a really good thing to aim for. What I would do, though, is go and find out how much an average driving lesson is in our area so you can start working out how long it's going to take to save for that. And then why don't we sit down together and work out ways that you can hit that target of saving for 10 lessons or 20 lessons or whatever it's going to be. So rather than instantly, as very often we will do, our child will have an idea and we will put a blocker in their way rather than saying to them okay let's look at how to make that a reality let's see how we can do that together because that's empowering that is creating their reality

SPEAKER_00: 39:17

And building in as well, what will it mean to you when you pass your test as well? So that gives them that extra motivation of actually, once they've started seeing it as a possibility, it's like, oh my goodness, yes, which might again help them in terms of finding that extra job or saving that money, sacrificing, for want of a better word, that game or whatever. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 39:41

Yeah. Absolutely. And that's exactly it. It's making that connection with regards to what do you want? Why do you want it? How much do you want it? And in order to get it, what are you going to do? Because actually that builds up that whole sense of achievement. I am working towards this. It gives you purpose. So whatever that activity is with regards to either making money, saving money or making a decision not to buy something right now it's being done for their greater good a decision they've made rather than simply saying no no you can't have it no you can't do it you're empowering them to actually be mindful with regards to what they are doing and that's how you're building up their sense of confidence. And that is a really, really important aspect of being a parent. It's not necessarily coming up with the ideas that they can then put in place to be able to do that thing. It's creating that environment where they become solution focused and allowing them that space to work out how they are going to do something.

SPEAKER_00: 41:06

Yeah. And as you said before, allowing them to create the habits that will help them or empower them in, you know, supporting their own financial future. Yeah. Now, one conversation, and I hope you don't mind me raising it again, because I thought it was a delightful, and we're not naming names, but we were talking about skills that are useful and negotiation skills. I mean, I know my not-so-little boy is obviously in the job market now, and that's when negotiation, and it's still something that me, I'm 56 this month, and I still hate the whole idea of talking about money in terms of negotiations. So starting them young can be quite powerful, can't it?

SPEAKER_01: 41:51

Oh, it really can. And I think that is the thing. We see negotiation as adults, largely, in terms of self-worth. rather than actually seeing it in terms of the value that we are bringing, the experience that we have, the results that we have either brought or will bring for what we are doing, either as a business owner or if we're employed by somebody. And when we tie our own sense of somebody else's view of our value, self-worth, that is when we will shy away from the conversation. When we approach negotiation from the perspective of, I know what I'm bringing to this role, I know the experience that I have and what I can do, and I'm really comfortable about the results that I have brought as a result of what I do. When you have that energy, you're instantly, you're sitting up and your shoulders are back and your energy is completely different to the whole Oliver approach of, please sir, Can I have some more? Because when you have the Oliver mindset, you're opening up the ability for somebody to very easily discount you, push you to one side and say no. And you should never ever do that. First of all, you should never tie your own value to somebody else's perspective on your value. Your self-value should be as rock solid as you can possibly make it. And recognise that when you are negotiating, there is the right time to negotiate and the wrong time to negotiate. The right time to negotiate tends to be just after you have had a good appraisal, just after you brought in a big contract just after a customer has written in and said what a great job that you have done. The wrong time to do it is when the company has just posted their results and their results have never been as bad in their whole time of operating or you know your boss is in a bad mood that day and therefore there's little point going knocking on their door and asking for a But it is about picking the right moment and being able to demonstrate what your results are. And I shared with you when we were off mic that I went to talk to a school back in November of last year. And it was to a group of six filmers. And at the end of the talk, they were invited to come and have a confidential conversation with me. If they had questions they didn't want to share in front of the whole group. And one young lady, she was 17, she was doing her A-levels the following year. She said to me, could you tell me, please, how I approach negotiating my first salary? And I thought that was absolutely brilliant because it was the right mindset, because very often we accept that. somebody else's value for what we do, as opposed to reflecting the value we believe we bring to a particular role. Now, people listening to me might say, oh, Lesley, what do you know? You're out of touch. Well, for a start, I did work in corporate for 20 years, and I negotiated many, many salaries. And for many, many organizations, there might appear to be a salary bracket. Actually, that salary bracket very often is what they will publicly negotiate around. But very often, we know as women, women will get paid one rate, men will get paid a completely different rate. In corporate, they don't like you talking about what you're getting paid. Why is that? If it's a bracket, why are they uncomfortable? It's because people who have money confidence will actually go in and talk about the value that they are bringing to the role and therefore negotiate. Now, negotiation is not just about your salary, because if your company is stuck in terms of financial pressures, For example, as we know, national insurance contributions have recently gone up for employees, sorry, for employers. Therefore, they might genuinely not have a huge pot of money in which they can increase your salary. there are other things that you can negotiate on. It might be the number of hours you're working. It might be how often you actually come into the office. It might be how many days holiday you have, et cetera, et cetera. So negotiation is everything about how you value what you do and the results that you bring and how you share those results. Because if nobody knows, How you were responsible for getting that piece of business on board or how you kept that particular client happy and ensured they didn't go to the competitor. If you're not sharing that, then you're going to find it more difficult to negotiate. So it's really important to remember that negotiation is not about how others negotiate. view you it's about how you are demonstrating your own sense of self-worth self-value and self-confidence

SPEAKER_00: 47:51

I love that that is so powerful and as you say it's it's all about getting rid of that feeling, that need to justify ourselves and actually turning that on its head and celebrating and having that, yeah, I did this and I bring this and blowing our own trumpet and patting ourselves on the back. And I know there are going to be so many women and maybe even some men that are listening now that would love to get in contact with you. And later on, almost, we're going to be giving your contact details. But before that, I've got some questions for you okay you're not going to escape because I ask my fabulous female guests the same three questions so and it always gives me an extra layer I get to know you even better so your first question Leslie what is your midlife anthem the song or piece of music that lights you up You know,

SPEAKER_01: 48:51

I'm very lucky that music plays a big part in my life. And I do love to sing. I think there are many songs that mean a lot to me. Let It Go from Frozen is definitely one of those. But as you asked that question, one song that really came to mind was Shut Up and Dance With Me. And that, I think, is where us women... come into our own and don't allow anybody to tell us how to be, how to enjoy ourselves. We just, you know, look at our partner and say, for God, shut up and dance with me. And I think that always puts me into that energy of we're here for a short time. I'm going to make it count. And I think that for me is the whole, the whole thing. way I live my life is to make the most out of every opportunity, everything that comes to be, because we are only here for a short time. So let's make it a good time.

SPEAKER_00: 50:04

Oh, absolutely. And dancing is always good. Yes. I'm always first on that dance floor. Now you tease a little bit then about phrases that you use. So I'm going to ask What if you've got one, you can have more than one. What is your midlife mantra, the phrase that you live your life by? OK,

SPEAKER_01: 50:25

you can hopefully see it up on the wall behind you. And if you can't read it, I'll read it to you. So it's this one here. And it is, what if I fall? But my darling, what if you fly? And that is fantastic. I could feel tears coming to my eyes because that is something that I have probably taken throughout my entire life. Not that I didn't know that phrase until probably about five, six years ago, but that is how my mum brought me up. You know, if you don't try, you'll never know. So what if I fall? Oh, my darling, what if you fly? And that is how I have parented my children as well. If you don't take the risk, you're never going to get the reward. So that's why I had that made and put on my wall, because as female entrepreneurs, we will fall often. But if we don't fall... Scabby knees all round, I think. Exactly. I'm looking at the scars now. But if we don't fall, we're never going to fly, basically. So that is absolutely mine.

SPEAKER_00: 51:40

I just had an image of Dumbo with a feather then. I don't know why. Now, the third question I ask is, what is the title of your autobiography? But I'm not sure if it's actually an autobiography, but I would love to... You've got something rather exciting happening rather soon, haven't you? So tell us all about it. Okay, I

SPEAKER_01: 52:03

do. So I am releasing my first solo book, scheduled to be republished the middle of July. I can't give you the title quite yet. It's under embargo. But let's put it this way. It is... the exact way a parent can talk to their teenager about money. So it is the practical workbook of exactly how you can have those conversations in a way that are empowering, in a way that really pull both you and and your teenagers forward in terms of understanding not just the practical side of money, but understanding the emotional and behavioral side in terms of what is going on for you as a parent, why you may have been backing off having those conversations, and how you can have those conversations in a really confidential, confident and nurturing way that allows the both of you to celebrate where you are where you want to get to and how you're going to get how you're going to get there so i say right now i'm not allowed to give the title because it's all part of the marketing big reveal

SPEAKER_00: 53:30

i look forward to this i do give you a good insight exactly yeah

SPEAKER_01: 53:35

so

SPEAKER_00: 53:36

how can listeners get in contact you is there a wait list as well for this fabulous book just briefly obviously you've got your own profile your guest profile on the midlife unlimited podcast website and all your details are in the show notes for our episode but if you could verbally just talk us through how we can connect with

SPEAKER_01: 53:57

you absolutely so yes there is a wait list for the book and i will share that with you so you get first notification of book title book cover There's going to be a few bonuses, et cetera, for people who are on the wait list. So I'll share that with you. The easiest way to connect with me is via my website, which is themoneyconfidenceacademy.com. Also, I have a podcast too, Let's Talk Money and More. And from the website, you will get access to all of my social media details, to the link to the podcast and a number of free resources. So I would say head to the website, Money Confidence Academy, because that will get you full access to everything very easily.

SPEAKER_00: 54:42

Fantastic. And I say obviously all those links as well are in the show notes and in your guest profile on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website. And as for me, well, I'd love your feedback on today's episode. So many golden nuggets. I've loved it. Such a powerful episode, Leslie. Thank you. So it'd be fabulous if you could leave a review. Or you can email me or text me via the link in the show notes. And come and join the Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook group. Again, link in the show notes. And also you'll find the website link with details of my exclusive VIP midlife metamorphosis coaching offer that you don't want to miss out on. So thank you for joining me today, Leslie. It's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you for listening. I look forward to you tuning in next week. Don't forget. There's a new episode of Midlife Unlimited every Thursday available wherever you listen to your podcasts. So here's to being fabulous and flourishing together and to living Midlife Unlimited. Thanks ever so much, Lesley. It's been a pleasure.

SPEAKER_01: 55:49

Thanks, everybody. Thanks,

SPEAKER_00: 55:52

Kate.

UNKNOWN: 55:52

Bye.