Episode #034 How to Stop Trying to Fit in as a Midlife Woman with Guest Vicki Holtom

Midlife really is a time for rediscovering ourselves. We’ve had enough of not feeling enough… enough of trying to please others. Of constantly pretending to be someone we’re not – just because we feel we should behave in a certain way.

We’re sick of conforming to stereotypes. Because quite frankly it’s blinking tiring worrying about how others are judging us. And as a result, hiding our quirks. Masking the true us. Diluting our brilliance… rather than letting the real woman we deserve to be shine through in her perfect imperfection

If this resonates with you as a Gen X woman, join your host Kate Porter The Midlife Metamorphosis Coach® and her guest living nutrition and reiki practitioner and founder of AEB Wellness Vicki Holtom for Episode 034 as they talk about How to Stop Trying to Fit In as a Midlife Woman.

Like Kate, Vicki is just getting started in Midlife,  and in this empowering episode the pair share their insights for how to stop conforming to societal pressure and celebrate us inside and out in our next phase.

Vicki is on a mission to shake up the narrative on how we treat our bodies and our body image in Midlife. She shares with Kate how her metamorphosis journey from a tomboy troubled by “massive body image issues” to breaking free by stopping trying to fit in has been massively liberating as she’s escaped constant fear of judgment that was holding her back from being her unapologetically authentic self .

Kate is honoured that Vicki also lifts the lid on the taboo of baby loss, sharing the story of how her son Adam’s passing has helped Vicky discover her why and drives her purpose to enjoy and embrace life.

And tune in for Vicki’s top lesson’s learned for finding what gives you joy so that we can learn, grow and evolve in this great experiment that is life.

Connect with Vicki

https://www.instagram.com/aebwellness

https://www.linkedin.com/in/vicki-holtom/

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61557059915024

Transcript

SPEAKER_03: 0:01

Welcome to Midlife Unlimited, the podcast for women who want more. I'm your host, Kate Porter, the midlife metamorphosis coach, and I know what it's like to feel stuck navigating the midlife maze. I've looked in the mirror and thought, who is that woman? So Midlife Unlimited is here to let you know you are not alone. You don't have to put on a brave face and put up with it. You don't have to play it safe. Midlife Unlimited it is all about ripping off that mask and telling midlife how it really is nothing is off limits because together there's no limit to what we can achieve so welcome to today's episode now midlife really is a time of rediscovering ourselves and that's why so many of the wonderful women i coach come to me for help we've had enough of not feeling enough of trying to please others, of constantly pretending to be someone we're not, just because we feel we should behave in a certain way. We're sick of conforming to stereotypes. Quite frankly, it's blinking tiring worrying about what others are judging us on, hiding our quirks and masking the true us. So I'm delighted to be joined by my guest today, Vicky Holtham, Living Nutrition and Reiki practitioner and founder of AEB Wellness to talk about how to stop trying to fit in. So welcome Vicky it's wonderful to have you here.

SPEAKER_00: 1:39

Hello thank you so much for having me it's a pleasure.

SPEAKER_03: 1:43

Oh well I think this is going to be quite a powerful conversation because this topic was a natural choice for our episode because like me you're just getting started in midlife aren't you? Indeed, indeed, yes, yes. Because it really is our next phase and it's a good time to stop conforming and celebrate us, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00: 2:09

Oh, 100%, yes. I know a lot of people get worried about you know moving on in in life and they see it as I don't know that they're not no longer needing to take up space but now is actually just a new new era in our journey in life I believe very much so you know we all go through from you know being a baby then you become you know that little toddler running around then you go through your childhood puberty then you go through sort of adulthood maybe becoming a parent yourself and then this is just the next phase of moving on from on that so yeah it's to be celebrated it's embrace it I believe

SPEAKER_03: 2:49

Oh, absolutely. And I'm delighted that later on you're going to be sharing your top lessons learned on how to stop trying to fit in. I do love that phrase. But first, I know that how we treat our bodies and our body image in midlife is something you're passionate about shaking up the narrative on, aren't you? Because we're hung up on our reflections, aren't we? 100%,

SPEAKER_00: 3:14

yes. I mean, you know, before midlife, Mirrors were around. We didn't really see our own reflections. You know, if you passed a river, you might see it, but you weren't constantly bombarded with images of yourself and you weren't then comparing yourself to others and you weren't picking at your floors. You had, you know, the world around you was what was the beauty and the awe. And, you know, it was reflecting that in yourself and what you did day to day. So, yeah, definitely. I think we need to embrace ourselves and it's not all about the aesthetics. it's about who we are as people

SPEAKER_03: 3:51

no absolutely and another thing you mentioned when we had our little I always like to have a brainstorm before we actually go ahead and record our episode and being sedentary as well that's another thing that it's so hard to avoid really and especially midlife it is I keep saying it but it's use it or lose it when it comes to how we nurture our bodies isn't it

SPEAKER_00: 4:14

oh yes yes you know I don't know where it came in that we basically become a certain age and we just stop. It just seems really strange. Again, you go back in evolution and nobody stopped. You know, you carried on working, you carried on in the fields and being families, you know, supporting each other where that's, you know, looking after as a tribe. So, yeah, definitely movement, I believe, is so fundamental to just keeping going. not only your body moving, but your brain active and just overall health and wellbeing. It gives, you know, movement releases, you know, your endorphins, you know, the hormones that keep you active. in a better frame of mind anyway. So I think, yes, definitely. And when we say movement, I don't necessarily mean you've got to go run a marathon or anything. It's just day-to-day movement and taking time to go for a nice walk, keeping a bit of strength, you know, doing, you know, it doesn't mean you've got to go get a gym membership. You can just do body resistance, just a little bit of, you know, resistance in you to keep those muscles strong, you know, you know, people often think muscles again, aesthetics, it's about building bulk and it's not, it's actually what we need to keep us moving throughout our life. You know, it's picking up the shopping. It's being able to go for walks without, you know, any aid. So independent movement. And also the muscles in our bodies aren't just, you know, like the biceps that people see. It's also when you breathe, you need, you know, your diaphragm, you need your lungs and everything to be able to move freely. And that, all relies on, you know, healthy muscles within the body. So, you know, as we get older, you know, the prevalence of things like flu and chest infections and other illnesses are related to sort of slowing down, you know, become more and more at risk of. So I do believe, yes, it's just definite, just keeping yourself going and moving. And it's not only like invigorating day to day, but going forward.

SPEAKER_03: 6:20

No, absolutely. It's all about, isn't it, body awareness. But looping back briefly, we were talking about body image and our reflection. And I know that breaking free from that fear of judgment has been a massive part of you finding who you really are, hasn't it? Because this dated back to childhood, didn't it, body image issues?

SPEAKER_00: 6:46

Yes, yes. I always try and, you know, I'm very much, you can be aware of certain triggers in your life, but it's not sort of going down a rabbit hole and really, really overthinking, but it's being aware of where it came from. So then you can kind of work with those triggers moving forward. And definitely over, I would say the past five years, mostly, but it started before that. I've really sort of, looked internally and thought where is this all coming from because I don't want to live my life trapped in my thoughts where I could be enjoying time with my family when I'm constantly thinking about what I'm eating what I look like you know what other people are thinking of me and I'm missing out on these joyous occasions with my family and friends you know um yeah so I was very young and I like I say I remember having um sort of words banded around like thunder thighs and baby elephant and things like that and I was a child who had you know children are supposed to be a little bit chubby you know that's health that shows that they've they've got what they need to flourish but you know I don't know why it particularly hit me um maybe you know I don't know some people it may never for me it did and so I was always conscious then of what I looked like how I felt and I I You know, yeah, I had quite a poor relationship with food because I just believed that I needed to be smaller to be happy and to be liked and accepted. So, yes, it was very much ingrained from very young age and going through getting going through puberty and your body changing. I very, I remember struggling a lot because I was the epitome of back then the nickname tomboy was banded around. And so, you know, I was, I was happy child playing in the mud, running around in the garden, getting up to, you know, playing in the park, getting up to mischief in the park and things like that, rather than I was never in wanting to play dolls and things like that. And I kind of felt I had to because all the other little girls around me were, so I, I start to play with dolls and I was just like, I don't know, part of me, never really connected but I did it because I thought I had to and um my clothing again I was very much not into dresses and little outfits I wanted to wear shorts trousers track suits you know it was I very much was that epitome of a tomboy and um yeah I just remember going high school age and again that's when the girls are starting to put on makeup and short skirts and again two reasons one my body issues I wanted to cover my body so I didn't want to be wearing mini skirts and little strappy tops and two I just didn't feel comfortable in those clothes because that wasn't who I was so I really struggled and I remember going to my first school disco and And, you know, having the comments or, you know, why are you just wearing jeans and a T-shirt or, you know, could have made an effort or, you know, why aren't you wearing makeup? You know, you look really funny. You're not wearing any makeup and just feeling really, really self-conscious and out of place and, yeah, never really fitting in. And so, yeah, it was it was a struggle in that way because I was fighting my own. want of a better word I don't say biology but who I was and so that was never easy to navigate through and into adulthood you know I did start to sort of dress kind of a little bit different but not I was never a skirt you know dress lady with loads of makeup even now most days I'm makeup free I might wear a bit of mascara every now and again um and Occasionally, I might wear a long dress or something like that. But generally, I'm still fundamentally I've lent into who I am. And that's why I truly am happy. And I'm not worrying now about turning up to events in the clothes I'm comfortable in. And I think that's really important. that was start of it. I kind of thought, you know, no, I'm going to dress how I want. I want to live my life without having to worry about when I walk out that door, am I going to be uncomfortable? Do I look okay? Do I look, you know, am I out of place? And because that body image thing, I've really, really wanted to kind of work on that because that again comes with how you dress, but I've got children and I don't want them to, growing up with these same insecurities, this same comparison and fear of themselves. So I've been very, you know, honest with them about we are humans and we are all individual and the box, you know, everyone being put in a box of how we should look, how we should behave, you know, the, the labeling, how, you know, how, harmful that can be because we are all individual so if we aren't being who we truly are to ourselves we're never going to be truly happy because you're always striving for something that you're not and even with perfectionism it's it's futile because you're just going to move the goalposts because you're just never going to get to that point if you're striving to be perfect if you don't actually be know what that looks like if you because because if you don't know if you're always trying to be fitting in well you're not going to be perfect because you're not your idea of perfect so yeah it's it's just being you and yeah I think following that path and living my own life has freed up so much energy for me to just not trying to fit in is just being the best version of me and I can be authentic and trust and believe in myself feeling secure in my own skin and not having to search for others validation and that has really helped me moving forward and I hope that comes across to my children so that they can feel that they can be their best selves for who they are and also when you're your best self you can show up to others so your family and friends will benefit from that because they will get the best version of you oh

SPEAKER_03: 13:18

that's that's so true I mean I am the queen of being perfectly imperfect because that is the way to go as far as I'm concerned especially as a gen x woman but also it's so interesting what you were saying about you know, trying to conform. Because by doing that, by putting ourselves in a box, we're almost stifling the very quirkiness, the very traits that make us who we are. I know the word superpower is banded around, but it can be so tempting to play down those aspects of us that make us fabulous because we worry that other people may not approve or it makes us too loud or it makes us not loud enough. And it's like, who are we trying to please why are we looking for a big tick from someone else when we can get it from ourselves

SPEAKER_00: 14:12

yes

SPEAKER_03: 14:12

yeah

SPEAKER_00: 14:13

and then that big tick who's to say what tick is right so you're never going to please everybody so you know you're best to please yourself really because the end of the day we are with ourselves forever

SPEAKER_03: 14:28

oh absolutely at the beginning and the end yeah yeah yeah I mean it's not easy learning to love yourself and being your own best friend but I think we owe it to ourselves to give it a go definitely yes yes another huge part we both agree I think of stopping trying to fit in is finding our why. And it's something we talk about a lot on Midlife Unlimited. And personal tragedy has helped you do this, hasn't it? And I know a subject you're passionate about raising awareness of is baby loss and how we talk about it. So I'd love it if you could tell us about Adam.

SPEAKER_00: 15:13

So in 2008, I I had Adam, my first son, and he was born at 28 weeks. So he was premature. But at that time, babies were surviving pretty, pretty healthily at that time. So although, you know, it wasn't expected for him to come early at all, and literally my waters broke And two hours later, he was born. So there was no real kind of time to actually get used to the idea that he was going to be arriving any minute and had a healthy pregnancy. So it was all very much out the blue. And when he was born, he was taken away and they were trying to intubate him. And unfortunately for him, story I'm not going to get into, but it wasn't successful straight away. So it caused a bleed on the brain. And we were told all along, you know, that we have to take him to special care. And they were going to look after him over in a different hospital. So we were transported over. And all that time, you know, you just in that hope of, you know, he's going to be okay. He's going to be fine. You know, he's 28 weeks. It's a good gestation. He'll be fine. You know, this would just be a little bit of a, you know, growth time, but he'll be fine. And then when we were in the hospital, they were always very open and honest with us. And to start with, they'd said that this bleed on the brain would affect him physically, but they weren't sure to what extent yet. and then as the hours were going by they kept informing us more and more and towards sort of it was he was only just over a day old they said that basically the bleed was so invasive into the over to both sides of the brain now that he would literally just exist he wouldn't be able to breathe for himself he wouldn't be able to see hear eat communicate or anything he would and just be on oxygen in a chair, being kept alive. So they gave us the option as to what we wanted to do. And we just felt that that wasn't a life, that's just existing. And so we made the hard decision to turn off his life support. And we were then able to sit and hold him until basically he died, which was... really really emotional but we actually got to hold him so it was lovely to be able to spend that time with him actually being nurturing him and when I think about it now I couldn't you know it's very very very bright in my mind I can remember you know what happened if it was yesterday but I remember at one point walking over to the window and by this time it had got to dark dark to night time And I held him up to the window and saw the stars shining. And I just said, you know, you're the brightest star in the sky. You be who you want to be, whoever you want to be. You do what you want to do. And, you know, you'll always be my star and you'll always be with me and I'll always be with you. And something in me just clicked that day, just thinking I've just said that to my son. And it wasn't a conscious thing, but. it's it then clicked in me that why am I doing all these things to try and be like other people and so it was it was very twofold in that time of emotions of having my son and being and connecting with him although you know obviously as a mother carrying a baby connected with him from the first moment I knew I had him so although I say I had two days with him I had you know sort of seven months with him really but the actual two days I got to actually be with him in person and hold him and for those few hours obviously will stay with me forever but the impact that's had moving forward and I very much believe in I don't just say that things happen for a reason but there is a reason in everything you can find and even though he lived only a short amount of time those two days he did It's almost like he did what he came to do. And this was one of them. And he actually has helped me grow as a person and help me find who I am and to stop sort of trying to fit in, stop comparing myself as that's another thing. thing that you know life is so precious it's so short we should be living every second for ourselves they're not in us that's not being selfish but it's just the way you know that's going to make us be our happiest selves because why else are we here you know what are you know I'm not saying what's the meaning of life but why are we here if we're just always striving to please other people you know it's that's not necessarily a healthy relationship with yourself and like you said, you know, it's embracing your perfect imperfection, accepting our flaws and nobody's perfect. So we just, we are humans. And that is, we are perfect humans because that's what humans are, you know, and I always say to people, comparison is the thief of joy because you're not being happy. You're not living when you're comparing yourself to other people and comparing yourself to what life could be like rather than being perfect. grateful for what we actually have at that moment. I'm not saying that's easy and I'm not saying, you know, it's what everybody can just do. It does take a lot of, of awareness and intuition and thought and it's difficult. It is difficult, but it's, it's a simple thing to do, but it's a difficult thing to do. And yeah, so I just kind of, I always talk about Adam because he is a big part of my life. He's a life to be celebrated. So I know a lot of people struggle talking about grief, about death. But in some ways, I mean, we're born, we die. The bit in the middle is life, which we really could embrace and live the best way we can for ourselves, but understand that there is a death. And that's what makes life so much more precious because it's not infinite. And knowing that gives us that time to think, you know what, why aren't I showing up every day, my best day? Why aren't I living my life? Because I don't know how many of these seconds I've got left. So take those precious moments and how are you going to spend them? You know, if it was money, you would, you know, you had a certain budget, you would know what you were spending it on. So why aren't we doing that with our seconds? You know, it's thinking, how do I want to spend them? And yeah, it's, I often say to people I have JOMO which is a joy of missing out rather than FOMO because you know I'd rather be doing what makes me happy than be worrying about what I could be doing with other people that you know what how many times have we gone somewhere and actually in the end wish I hadn't gone or I'm not you know you know I've had a not a very positive experience or you know I could be doing something else so you know it is it is taking that time to actually think why like you say go back to why why am I doing what I'm doing and is there something else that serves me better I

SPEAKER_03: 23:02

love the fact as well that Adam was the impetus to for you doing what you're doing now, kind of looking at your nutrition, your Reiki and thinking, I need to do something with this.

SPEAKER_00: 23:15

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he, he was very much the spur of, I, there was more to life. There's something I, cause I'm a, as a registered nurse. So I've always, you know, conventional medicine is amazing. I'm all for it. It's, it's life saving and we need it, but we can do so much more for ourselves. And having Adam, it was kind of that, I say permission but it gave me something more to look at towards doing and then when I had my son in 2009 he was born with an incurable heart condition so I gave up working as a nurse to become his full-time carer but in that time because I've always had that innate want to learn and just interest in, in how we live and our lives, not only physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I kept learning, getting more information. And I, I got my, I did nutrition to become so that I could get a qualification and I did my Reiki. So I did my second degree Reiki so I could help people through the, the channeling the energies as you know, we can feed, bodies so we nourish them so it's it's how we can best nourish our bodies to help them thrive through our lives but it's also helping our you know emotional because you can have the best diet in the world you can exercise to really strengthen your body but if emotionally you're dysregulated and your nervous system is dysregulated then that can cause disease in the body. It's a precursor to illness, to disease. So I think by us being able to be aware of, again, who we are, showing up as ourselves, we're not fighting against something that's not us, which creates a stress in our body naturally because it's, you know, we are fighting against nature. It's not us. But then also through movement and nourishing our body with the greatest of, like, foods and the nutrients that our body needs to physically work supporting our mental and emotional well-being all that packages up together to create a healthier healthier humanity so for me i really wanted to do something that i could support other people because i know how much it's helped me to work on those things so if i can help even one person it would be amazing because I know how wonderful it would be if people could just live their day-to-day lives feeling, you know, rejuvenated and re-energized in themselves. And, you know, those Kodak moments, as I call them, that you see on social media, where you see these people laughing and joking together and having fun times. And then when you take that camera away, what is reality? You know, how many people say, oh yeah, that snapshot on social media, that wasn't, all that was just someone going come on everyone let's take a picture but really how many of those people were genuinely in that moment truly happy and enjoying everything that was going on to you know having a real to me joy happiness I am content because I live my day as me and I'm with the people that make me happy and that I hope I make happy so yeah that to me is being happy. That is happiness. That's my, you know, that are my picture picture moments. It's not a Kodak split second. It's, it's every day. And yes, I'm not saying every day is perfect. It's not again, we're human. Every, you know, we still question things. I'm still working. I will have days where I have to sort of, Oh, you know, kind of almost not say go backwards. Cause it's not going backwards, but I still have to take moments to think, hang on a minute. This is kind of triggering me or, or, Something's not sitting right and I'll have a think and work through it. But it's being aware to be able to do that so things don't spiral. And, you know, I often say being happy when somebody can say, like, when can you truly say 100% that you remember being happy? Like, no worries, no financial worries. thoughts going through your mind. No, oh, I've got to do this, I've got to do that and having a to-do list. A to-do list never ends. So it's prioritising. It's showing up and going, right, what's the most important thing? What can wait? And then if it doesn't get done, so what? It's not the end of the world. But I always think to myself, I remember being very, very young. I was probably about three and I was running up the garden chasing my dad And I just remembered such giggles and joy and laughter that was running through me and not having an absolute care in the world. You know, it's not worrying about what I look like, not worrying about what other people are thinking of me, not worrying about what I was going to be doing the next day or what I have to do next or worrying about, you know, looking after certain things in life that, you know, as I say health, because health is important, but at three, you don't know that sort of thing. You just are, you just, and I, another thing I, you know, it's often forgotten is we are human beings. We're not human doings. So we're always doing, we're always doing, but we're not, we're beings. So it would be nice for us to just take time to be. And

SPEAKER_03: 28:53

in that moment.

SPEAKER_00: 28:54

Yeah. And it is, it's just be, and those moments are so precious.

UNKNOWN: 29:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 29:00

Oh, I love that. I love that. I can pick you now. I can pick you now. Was there an ice cream at the end of it? That's what I want to

SPEAKER_00: 29:07

know. I think I was playing in the mud, which was probably good, like ice cream to me at the time.

SPEAKER_03: 29:14

Absolutely. Now, another story of yours that I love as well is the story behind the name of your business and the story behind... your website launch could you share those as well because it really gives me goosebumps it really does

SPEAKER_00: 29:35

so my business is called AEB wellness and the AEB are my children's initials so it's Adam Ellis and Beth and I always wanted to I thought if I ever did anything I would love to put their names in it because they are my inspiration. They are my why and why I want to make myself the best version of me for them. And I also want to help them navigate a world which is not an easy one. So they are the reason and having my business named after is a true honour for me. And the... I mean, the actual initials are for them, but it also stands for alignment, equilibrium and balance. Because I believe if we can have that in our lives, that will help us to really live a happy life in all sense. So their initials mean a lot to me in my business. And I launched my business last year. And because I'd been, you know, had building up all this knowledge and my husband says to me, you're actually going to do anything with all this because I know you want to. And I was like, I really do. I just don't know how. And I found because again, being me unauthentic, I was not somebody that was going to go and sit and write a business plan. I was not somebody that could go into a business course. I was just like, that's not me. I just don't know. But at the same time, I had no idea how to start a business. So I, kind of kept putting it off, putting it off. And then I found a free business course that I signed up to. And even then I kept going, no, no, you know, my whole uh not procrastination but the fear of not you know not being good enough and also imposter syndrome was kicking in so I nearly didn't go but I did I pushed myself out the comfort zone and I went and I thought I'm never gonna be able to help people if I don't help my you know help myself to do this so I thought no this is for the bigger cause so I went and did it and it was really the way it was is delivered was so just me because it was just just do it it was just get on and do stuff you know it doesn't have to be perfect and it gave me tools and ideas of how to do it so I said to my husband would you help me build a website because my plan is on the anniversary of what would be Adam's death I'd like to launch my website my business will be launched so he was born on the 2nd of March and he lived two days so we normally celebrate his birthday as a family so even though my other two children weren't born they still grow up knowing their big brother we talk about him all the time we have pictures every birthday we celebrate so we have a cake for him we go to the river where we take a moment to remember Adam at the time he was born and so we After that day, my husband and I set to work. We created my website. And on the 4th of March, at 8 o'clock, which is when he actually passed away, the three of us sat around the computer and pressed launch on the website. And so that was launching my business. So although that was our official, you know, that was the date for us as a family that I launched it. As a business, it was... went into the April that it actually became official. But for us as a family, that was the launch day of AEB Wellness.

SPEAKER_03: 33:13

Oh, I think that's absolutely beautiful. I really do. And I just love how your business and everything you do, your passion, it's all about feeding the mind, body and soul together, isn't it? And getting back, as you said, to who we are as a person.

SPEAKER_00: 33:33

Yeah. Yeah 100% you have to be you've got to be to be whole it's being who you are is that whole you know it's when people say oh somebody completes me you don't need somebody else to complete you you are your whole it's it's just getting to know it it's getting to know you it's quietening the noises outside of you to actually say who am I if somebody was to say who are you if you didn't take on other people's opinions and thoughts who are you and i think that by starting there will help to to help you sort of then navigate through how to go forwards

SPEAKER_03: 34:18

absolutely and the thing is as well i mean we we hear expert advice expert this expert that but as you said before experts contradict each other as well. So we almost, to realise that we are our own expert, really, we are our own experiment. Yes,

SPEAKER_00: 34:38

yeah, that's why, yeah, I always say to people, I can give you, I'll give you advice, I can give you tools, I can give you ideas of how, you know, how to nourish body movement, how to become aware of your nervous system. But at the same time, they are like having a toolbox. I can give you the ways, you know, how to help, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's the best way for you. You are in one, as they say, it's the experiment. You are number one. You have to experiment on yourself. What works for one person doesn't necessarily work for somebody else, but often the root cause to an illness or feeling unease, dysregulated, often gets forgotten and people put a plaster on it or they just try and focus on the symptoms, but sometimes it takes to get deep down, go to the root cause, which is what I try to do and help people with when it comes to with the nutrition side of it. You know, if somebody is having some sort of illness or they've got a chronic condition, a lot of the time, medication is putting a plaster on it and it's trying to get back to that root cause. Where did it start? How did it start? Why? And what can we do to address that? And it's the same emotionally. Sometimes, day to day, you can feel yourself getting more and more irritated or want of a better word people say like the stress levels are rising and rising and rising and you don't know why and it's just almost like accepted oh that's how I feel or that's just been a stressful day but rather than actually stopping and going why though why why did I feel like this and sometimes it may just be that you know you didn't get a good night's sleep the night before which is office is always the precursor to a good day the next day um to do with hormones and the way our bodies work you know you have to have a good night's sleep in order for the body to function at its best so sometimes if we get up in the morning not having a good night's sleep the next day can be challenging so yeah it's experimenting what works for us and again sleep you know a lot of people say we've got eight hours of sleep a night well sometimes that's too much for some people and it's not enough for others so again it's it's finding your patterns in life and finding what works for you same as food you know some people say oh go gluten-free go on the keto diet do this do this and what will work will one work won't work for somebody else or it may work for a little while but that's just because you've changed your whole pattern of eating and maybe you've brought in the better foods than you were eating and you've reduced the less healthy foods or the less nutrient foods so your body has adjusted and But moving forward, it's always being aware because then that may not long term suit you. So, again, it's when we look at ourselves, it's not saying you've got to constantly, you know, now stressing yourself out by looking inwards, you know, now causing another stress. It's not that. But when you become aware of yourself, it just becomes natural. You then know your body, you know, the triggers, you know, those feelings within you. just become more obvious. You're not having to consciously think about it. The more you do it, you'll start to realise, oh, okay, that's why I did that, or that's why I thought that. It wasn't actually that situation at that time. It was something else that made that become something more than it would have been.

SPEAKER_03: 38:00

That's brilliant. It just makes so much sense as well. It makes so much sense. And it does lead us beautifully into... Well, a recap, really, because you shared so many golden nuggets in this episode. And I thank you so much for that. And you've been so open and honest. And I think your story will resonate with so many women and men even tuning in. But I think let's do a recap and let's talk about your lessons learned to stop trying to fit in. And I think the first one that stands out for me is find what gives you joy. Yes,

SPEAKER_00: 38:40

yes, definitely, definitely. And only you know that as well. You know, it is something that you will find. And it can be the smallest things as well. I mean, for me, I just love going for a walk and I love hearing the birds sing. As soon as I hear that, I instantly calm, which I know is a safety thing as well because people know that. when you hear birds sing, that's safe. So you want your environment safe. So again, just hearing birds sing does really calm you because you know your environment is safe, which instantly will calm your nervous system. So that's just one of those little tips that I say to people, even if you're really struggling, if you can just get outside and hear the birds and just take a few moments, that would just help calm.

SPEAKER_03: 39:34

Yeah. I love the power of mindfulness and being in the moment. I say your second lesson tip links perfectly to that because tune out the noise and focus on what matters to you. Yes,

SPEAKER_00: 39:52

yes, that's it. It's like we were saying earlier. Everybody has opinions and everybody's entitled to them. So it's remembering that that's what they are. They are just opinions. So it doesn't make it true, doesn't make it right. And that's something I always tell my children as well. It's what people say is an opinion. And yes, it can hurt at times, depending on how it's been offered up. But yeah, it's knowing you and what you truly, truly makes you thrive.

SPEAKER_03: 40:25

I say, yep. Your last lesson learned that has stuck in my head is your wonderful phrase. We are our own experiment. So let's celebrate us.

SPEAKER_00: 40:38

Yes, yes. Embrace us and celebrate is definitely the way forward.

SPEAKER_03: 40:44

And I just love the way because all the time we hear, oh, it's about the destination. It's about the destination. But I think we're completely on the same page because it's about the journey, isn't it? Oh,

SPEAKER_00: 40:57

yes. Yeah, we are on that. That is life. That's what we're here for. It's that journey of experiencing everything we can, how we do it as well. So everybody's experiencing it differently. And that's what makes us human. And that's why we're unique. And that's why we're amazing. You know, the world of AI is coming in, but that's the computer. We are the best supercomputer out there. We are 100%. And, you know, those computers have learned from us. So why are we allowing ourselves to embrace us and just keep learning for ourselves as well? You know, learn about ourselves because we are, you know, we are always changing as well. You know, we're not stuck. What we thought or felt 10 years ago doesn't mean that's who we are today. And just always, always being curious. That's something, you know, I always say is be curious and be you.

SPEAKER_03: 41:52

No, absolutely. I think the minute we stop that, the minute we lose that, that's when we start really stagnating. That's when we start getting old, I think. And that's one thing that you and I definitely, and I'm sure most of the wonderful ladies listening are not ready to do.

SPEAKER_00: 42:09

But

SPEAKER_03: 42:10

one thing I hope you're ready to do. Do you like my little segue there? I do

SPEAKER_00: 42:14

love that. That was very, very, very good.

SPEAKER_03: 42:18

One of the things you've got no choice really is the same as I ask each of my fabulous female questions no my fabulous female guests my brain's gone to jelly today I do apologize your three questions so Vicky your first question is and I want to know this I'm quite intrigued here what is your midlife anthem the song or piece of music or sound that lights you up

SPEAKER_00: 42:49

So I'm really sorry here because I couldn't just come up with one. I actually have on my Spotify a motivate playlist, I call it. So motivate is the number. Because if I feel like I need some boosting or I'm not quite feeling myself, I put my playlist on. But the top song, there's three, but the top one I play that really helps me is called The Champion by Carrie Underwood. And that just really, helps me to remember that I am me and I am doing amazing and I am showing up as my authentic self and not to let other people quieten or clip my wings or make me doubt myself because again, who are they to do that for me? And I am entitled to be there. I am entitled to take up space in this world. So that's why that song means a lot to play. And it just boosts me. I just like the song. And I have another one. It's Unstoppable by Sia. That helps me as well. That's a good one. And then if I'm feeling, again, I'd say the body image side of things, Keela Settle's This Is Me. from The Greatest Showman. That really helps me to just stop and think, you know, yeah, this is me and I'm going to celebrate me and own it. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And the final one, sorry, is if I'm ever in a position of like moments where I suppose the grief takes hold and things like that, I remember Wilson Phillips' Hold On. So I think if you can hold on for one more day, it's, you know, and

SPEAKER_03: 44:39

that's,

SPEAKER_00: 44:41

that one really is a good one for me. If I'm ever feeling in that way, it's just, you know, hold on. And yeah. And I know I've got my children that I live for. So, you know, and I've got a wonderful husband who's been so supportive throughout as well. So, you know, those songs mean a lot because they help me and they put me where I need to be.

SPEAKER_03: 45:04

Oh, thank you for sharing. That's beautiful. I am definitely going to do, I keep talking about it, I'm going to do a Midlife Unlimited playlist slash album. So I'm going to put all of those on there. I think this is going to be something pretty special. Which leads me into something I know that's going to be pretty special, which is what is your midlife mantra? The phrase that you live your life by or phrases.

SPEAKER_00: 45:32

Okay. Well, I have my mind is mind your own business. And so I, I say mind your own business and it's for me and it's not in a, it's not a horrible way. So I say to my children as well, if you learn to mind your own business and, it's a great place to be because one, you're keeping yourself safe. You're setting your boundaries and you're not being pulled into other people's dramas or opinions. You're just, you know, let, and I know the phrase let them has been banded around a lot now. So it is a kind of let them, but mine is mind your own business because you're letting people just, you know, let them get on with what they want and your mind in your own business in the fact that you're not going to get dragged into anything. Plus, who are we to tell other people how to live their lives as well? So yes, you, you know, if they ask your opinion, that's fine. And if they won't listen anyway,

SPEAKER_03: 46:30

we can't control them. So why waste

SPEAKER_00: 46:33

our energy? Exactly. And, you know, even through what I do now, I very much support people, but I know I'm not going to be for everybody. And that's fine because I, You know, I get that. And so and I'm not trying to be, you know, for me, it's if they people want the support for me, then I, you know, I would 100 percent want to provide a safe space for them to do so. So, yeah,

SPEAKER_03: 46:59

I think by trying to please everyone, you almost dilute your genius and your brilliance because we're not here to help everyone. No, no. Everyone has a fit for someone, you know, so don't try and please everyone. No, no. Play to your strengths and that is what will make you fabulous at helping, at nurturing, doing your thing. Yes, yes. And talking of doing your thing, I want to know how your thing is going to be part of the title of your autobiography.

SPEAKER_00: 47:30

So mine is To Be Continued.

SPEAKER_03: 47:33

Oh,

SPEAKER_00: 47:34

yeah. that would be my with dots definitely I love the dots we need the

SPEAKER_03: 47:41

dots I do like a dot

SPEAKER_00: 47:44

there'd be three dots because I have three children so it might be three dots but yeah it would be to be continued yeah 100% I would be that's how I believe you know it's living every day now so being present but there is a journey ahead as well so very much so

SPEAKER_03: 48:04

Absolutely. I've loved our conversation. I could really continue our conversation right now. And I'm sure there's going to be women listening who would love to get in contact with you. Now, all your details are going to be in the show notes for our episode, which is obviously available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And you've got your guest profile on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website, links to which are in the show notes. But just verbally, can you just let us know how we can get in touch with you? I need to get in touch with you. Instagram and Facebook as

SPEAKER_00: 48:36

AEB Wellness.

SPEAKER_03: 48:39

Go and get in touch with Vicky. And as for me, well, I would love your feedback on today's episode. So it would be fabulous if you could leave a review. Or you can email or text me via the link in the show notes. And come and join the Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook group. Vicky's in there. The link to that's in the show notes. And you'll also find details of the website link too, where you'll find details of my exclusive VIP midlife metamorphosis coaching offers. And for those of you facing empty nesting... You'll want to take a look at that. So thank you for joining me today, Vicky. Thank you for being so open and sharing your beautiful story.

SPEAKER_00: 49:28

It's been an absolute honour. Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_03: 49:30

Oh, and... Thank you for listening. I look forward to you tuning in next week because don't forget Midlife Unlimited has a new episode every Thursday available wherever you listen to your podcasts. So here's to being fabulous and flourishing together and to living Midlife Unlimited. Thank you, Vicky. You've been an absolute joy. Oh, thank you. Bye.

SPEAKER_00: 49:56

So much. Bye.