Episode #037 How to Own Your Story as a Midlife Woman with Guest Sarah Brason

Midlife is a fabulous time to unleash the woman we deserve to be. Because we all deserve to be all that we are. This is the time to wake ourselves up…. Shake ourselves up… and come back to life.

And this means owning our quirky.

Owning our vulnerable parts that make us real. That lie at the core of who we are.

If this resonates with you as a Gen X woman, join your host Kate Porter The Midlife Metamorphosis Coach® and her guest Brand Amplifier Sarah Brason for Episode 037 as they talk about How to Own Your Story as a Midlife Woman.

Kate and Sarah are advocates that Midlife is not just a wake-up call – it’s a bedside table full of alarm clocks, as it brings the realisation what we don’t have to spend our whole life pretending. 

And in this episode the pair share their insights and inspiration for how we can stop bending ourselves into what someone else wants from us, and simply be us by accepting our gloriously perfect imperfection.

With rare and heartwarming honesty, Sarah reveals how losing her daughter Rowan has moulded her story, underpinned by her belief that breaking doesn’t have to be the end… it can be the beginning.

Kate is honoured that Sarah helps shine a light on the darkest moments of baby loss. And Sarah explains how she sensitively navigated those workplace conversations that all-to-often are left unhad due to fear of saying the “wrong” thing. 

In a Midlife Unlimited® exclusive, Sarah reveals the title of her new charity song for Rowan that she is recording as part of her journey of transforming “pain into purpose, and shadows into light”.

 Connect with Sarah

https://sarahbrason.com                                                                                        

https://www.linkedin.com/in/sarah-brason-brandamplifier/

https://www.instagram.com/sarahbrason_brand_amplifier/

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

Welcome to Midlife Unlimited, the podcast for women who want more. I'm your host, Kate Porter, the midlife metamorphosis coach, and I know what it's like to feel stuck navigating the midlife maze. I've looked in the mirror and thought, who is that woman? So Midlife Unlimited is here to let you know you are not alone. You don't have to put on a brave face and put up with it. You don't have to play it safe. Midlife Unlimited is all about ripping off that mask and telling midlife like it really is. Nothing is off limits because together there's no limit to what we can achieve. So welcome to today's episode. Now I'm all about unleashing the woman we deserve to be because we all deserve to be all that we are. to wake ourselves up and shake ourselves up in midlife and come back to life. And this means owning our quirky, owning the vulnerable parts of us that make us real, that lie at the core of who we are. So I'm delighted to be joined by my guest today, Sarah Brayson. brand amplifier to talk about how to own your story. So welcome, Sarah. It's fabulous to have you here.

SPEAKER_01: 1:24

It's amazing to be here. Thank you so much for inviting me. Oh,

SPEAKER_00: 1:28

well, I'm rather excited about this because I'm all about amplifying our story and getting our story out there. And that's what you do. But you've got a beautiful story of your own to share as well. But before we delve any deeper into that, midlife is It's not just a wake-up call, is it? It's a bedside table full of alarm clocks and that realisation that we don't have to spend our whole life pretending to be something we're not, do we?

SPEAKER_01: 1:57

Absolutely. I spent a long time and I think a lot of women are the same. Not necessarily pretending we're something we're not, but trying to be what everybody else needs and wants us to be. Because we deem that more important... than who we want to be and who we actually are. It took me probably about 40 years to actually come to the realisation. All my alarm clocks went off at once, I think,

SPEAKER_00: 2:25

Kate. I'd like to have been there, I really would. But it's the conforming, it's the dreaded shoulds, I think that's one of my least favourite words in the world. But as you say, the kind of taking on so much, juggling, It's exhausting, isn't it? Trying to be something that just doesn't feel right.

SPEAKER_01: 2:44

Well, it is exhausting. But also, I think then, you know, you get to kind of midlife and you realise you've created a life that isn't true to you in a real grounding sense. I'm not saying it's all a lie. Of course, it's not. But if you're not if you're not absolutely being you and you don't really truly understand who you are, and I was in the same boat, I truly didn't, because I define myself from how others saw me and what others needed. So if you don't know yourself, then... is life truly real? You know, the connections you've made, the things that you're spending your time on, your likes, your dislikes, it's kind of suddenly everything's thrown open. You go, okay, so what bits are me and what bits aren't? What bits do I get rid of? What bits do I lean into more? And so, in fact, metamorphosis is such a perfect word to describe what that looks like. And, of course, as you kind of lean into that, And you decide to make changes or you decide to think differently. You decide to start, in my case, considering myself in my list of important people. I wasn't on the top. I was just on the list for once. And some people liked it. Some people were celebrating that. Some people found that really challenging. And so... you know, the metamorphosis comes with, it's not, not always easy. It's very liberating and freeing, but it does come with challenges as well, but it's such an important thing to truly do. If you want to live in your own space, like fully.

SPEAKER_00: 4:17

Yeah, absolutely. I love, I mean, I kind of think of it as a stock take as well, almost because it is a time where we we've been doing these things or prioritizing things. Again, because they were signposts that were laid out that we felt we had to follow. You know, oh, at this age, we should be doing this. We should have done this. We didn't do this. Oh, my goodness. So to actually be able to take a step back and think, is this serving me? Why am I trying to do this? Why am I putting so much energy and so many emotions that accompany it to try and do this? if it isn't actually what I want, or if it doesn't, as you say, what are my values now? How have they shifted? Because we do change. We're not set in stone. And I don't just mean growth mindset. I mean, that's why I love the word metamorphosis and why I chose it, because it's more than a transformation, I feel. Because metamorphosis implies everything is already inside us. It's like the caterpillar to the butterfly. We're not looking to outside external forces, although those energies are so important. It really is. Honouring, as I say, the woman we deserve, the woman that we are, but we just haven't shaken her up yet, maybe. We

SPEAKER_01: 5:33

don't look inward. I think you're absolutely right. It's such a beautiful description. And it's something that I feel deeply about. And it's something that I bring into the work that I do when I'm working with businesswomen, CEOs, charities, organisation, and we're looking at branding. It's actually, I'm not bringing you anything new. You have all the answers already. You just don't know it. You're not asking the right questions. You're not looking inside. We're looking externally all the time. What's our sales process? Where's our audience? What do I say? Stop. Look in because you've got all that you need already. And this is true in business, as a business owner, but it's also true as a human being, as separate people. Men, women, they, it doesn't matter. We have this internal... soul, light, whatever you want to call it, we have all that we need already. We literally do. It's all in there. And yet the society we've created, the society we live in forces us to look externally. I'm feeling sad. What pill do I take? Where do I go? Who do I ask? Sit with yourself because actually, and it sounds silly and some people kind of, you know, I can almost see people rolling their eyes, but actually if you do that, If you're able to do that and sit in that space, sit in that silence and truly listen to yourself, you might be amazed by what you hear because you're right. It's all in there already.

SPEAKER_00: 6:59

And I say it absolutely underpins my coaching because it is about asking the right questions. And so many times, and it might be hugely emotional, but it's joyous to my ears when a woman says, I'd never thought about that. I'd never asked myself that before. And it's almost a mental block, isn't it? And giving ourselves permission to dig a bit, shake things up. And I'm delighted that later on, you're going to be sharing your top lessons learnt for being simply ourselves and owning our story, both on a business level, but also personally. And the two are so inextricably linked as well, aren't they? Because if we're going to be telling our story in a way that aligns with who we really are and have, and I, sadly the word authentic which I love but it is becoming overused and I hope we perhaps find something else to start using so it doesn't so it doesn't lose its impact but so that our brand is actually a brand that is true to us rather than feeling we're borrowing a bit from there and we're borrowing a bit from there and all you know try as I say trying to conform not being afraid to stand out as a brand not being a afraid to break the molds a bit or push the boundaries

SPEAKER_01: 8:12

yeah you don't have to be like everybody else like be your own voice It's OK to disagree. You know, it's OK to have debate. It's OK to have adult, respectful conversations from opposing sides. You know, you don't have to shrink anymore. I think that's the that was the massive thing. Realisation for me was I don't have to shrink. I don't have to be less than because other people can't cope with it. Like, that's not my problem. It's like

SPEAKER_00: 8:39

diluting. I'm like that. I mean, if you don't like leopard print. jog on I'm not it's fine it's absolutely fine when when my brand green which my son actually sorted the pantone for me but when all the other coaches and midlife coaches were going down the peach route and the I'm not I'm not a peach pastel person I am the green just epitomizes everything about me new growth pushing the boundaries a bit standing out in our way um And it's true, isn't it? It's like not being afraid to try things that feel right to you, not because someone says you shouldn't do that.

SPEAKER_01: 9:18

Yeah, and we know it, right? We feel it. It's called intuition or gut instinct. We know when it's right and we know when it's wrong. It's like when you can't make a decision, right? And I can't remember who once told me this, but I loved it. So if you can't decide what to do, toss a coin. You'll know by your reaction to what you get which one you should do. Because if it's like, shall I eat the cake or shall I not eat the cake? Okay, heads is yes, tails is no. It goes with no and you go, oh, I'm really onto that cake. Okay, that's your decision, eat the cake. Or you go, oh, well, best of three. Yeah, exactly. It takes away that decision making for you, but it forces you to listen to your reaction, which is the most important thing of all. And then you've got your answer. Again, it's that going into... You know the answer already. You're just overanalyzing, overcomplicating. And we're all, you know, I'm the worst at that. Absolutely. But yeah, you know, it's great. In fact, you're in green today.

SPEAKER_00: 10:16

Always. It was before the green, the brand came about because it was a natural leopard print. I've been wearing that since I was 19, I think. But it's part of Kate. It's part of who I am. And I love what you would, before we go more into your own personal story, absolutely talk about choices because there's a phrase, I think it was Stephen Bartlett, I heard it from the first time, but it makes so much sense. With choices and decisions, we treat 99% of the decisions decisions we make like a door that once we've gone through it it locks behind us and it doesn't it doesn't there's so many of the choices we make we can either step back or we can veer and go off down a different path we're not stepping into cement and just having to stay put and I think that's so refreshing what you were saying about the idea of yeah go with it And your gut instinct. And our gut basically is another brain, isn't it? Absolutely. Yeah, that's the whole conversation.

SPEAKER_01: 11:20

That's a

SPEAKER_00: 11:20

whole other

SPEAKER_01: 11:21

podcast there, Kate. But I think we command ourselves as well for like, we look back on our lives and we go, well, I wish I hadn't done that. And I wish I hadn't made that decision. And that was a mistake. And it's like, yeah, but we're all human and we're allowed to make mistakes. Like, and I think the important thing to remember is that we did the best that we could at the time with the information we had. Like when we look back, we have got way more information because we know what happened next, what happened, you know, all the repercussions of that and, you know, how it affected us and those around us. But actually we didn't know that at the time. So we have to remember, I did the best I could at the time. Okay, I perhaps didn't do the right thing. I didn't say the right thing, but I did the best. And as long as we can go through life, Kindness. Oh, it's the most important thing that we have. I say this to my children all the time. But as long as we can go through life being kind as much as we can, then we're doing the right things. But that includes being kind to ourselves as well. And we forget that.

SPEAKER_00: 12:16

No, I think we fall down that so much, don't we? And I think as well, as you said, hindsight, hindsight, how many people say it's a wonderful thing. But all all the times that we've waited around for certainty before taking that step. the only time you get certainty 100% is with hindsight. And so it's a matter of literally getting to 60% certainty and then having the whatever's to go for it. And as you say, and if it does, and I like the word missteps rather than mistakes as well, because it's like failure. We all fail all the time. Let's celebrate it and learn something from it.

SPEAKER_01: 12:55

Exactly. Otherwise we just stay still. Don't we? If we, if we want everything to be perfect, well, that ain't going to happen. So we're going to do nothing. And that's just a waste.

SPEAKER_00: 13:05

No, absolutely. Now, This is going to be an emotional conversation. And I don't want to give a spoiler alert or anything like that, but I'm really honoured that you're going to be talking to us about Rowan and about how she's impacted your life. And as you say, and I love this, it's not a sob story, is it?

SPEAKER_01: 13:34

No, it's really not. And actually, firstly, can I just say, What a beautiful thing. You've already made me emotional. What a beautiful thing that you didn't say we're going to talk about child loss, but you said we're going to talk about Rowan. And that's beautiful. That's a beautiful introduction rather than just the setting of that's really, really touching and really beautiful. So thank you for that.

SPEAKER_00: 14:02

Well, she's your daughter.

SPEAKER_01: 14:04

She is. And always will be. Yeah.

UNKNOWN: 14:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 14:08

So for those, and I know you're very open in everything you do about her, but for those listeners that don't know, do you mind just briefly setting the context?

SPEAKER_01: 14:21

Yeah, sure. So I became pregnant with my second daughter, Rowan, in 2014. In fact, she was conceived the day after I got married. It was quite a special... Was it on honeymoon? It was. It was the morning after we got married, but you're getting no more details, Kay. Oh,

SPEAKER_00: 14:43

that's for another podcast.

SPEAKER_01: 14:45

Exactly, exactly. We already had our first daughter and that pregnancy was absolutely fine. We had no cause for concern whatsoever. And yet the moment I became pregnant for the second time with Rowan, I just, we go back to that gut instinct again, but I just didn't, feel like everything was okay and I kept fighting that and we went to the first scan and everything was fine I was actually scared to look at the screen I remember and then my wife was like look at the screen she's moving she's there look look and so and then I remember my husband saying at the time do you feel better now and I was like do I No, no, it hasn't gone away. And it kind of lingered. And then we got to the point of the pregnancy where we went for the 20 week scan and it took a lot longer than normal. And we were told that we needed to come back for a different kind of scan. And obviously it was kind of, it was a very worrying and traumatic time. And basically within the next few days, we were told that Rowan had cardiomyopathy, which is a heart condition, fatal, very rare in utero, but that she wouldn't make it, that we would, you know, that she would never be with us. And it was a really difficult time. You know, I carry my children quite big, so I was showing already. I could feel her moving already. She never took a breath. She died before she was born. She was born in April 2015, so it's 10 years this year, which has been quite a difficult milestone, to be honest. It was a really difficult time in my life and the family's life, as you can imagine, but The journey I've been on since, because of Rowan, I am so grateful to be her mother. I'm so honoured she came to me. And the learnings that she's given me far surpass anything I've learnt from anyone else, of any human I've ever met and ever will meet. She's taught me the most about who I am, what I'm capable of living through, of growing from, of... the strength and compassion and love that we all have as humans, just, it's been, it's been such a journey, but yeah, very, very difficult one. And it's, you know, it's kind of easy for me to sit here and say, in some ways I'm grateful. I'm grateful that she was mine. I'm so honoured. But I've been through that pain too. Like I'm not belittling anybody anymore. who's still struggling who's still sat in the dark with those things because it's hard but there is light there is light afterwards you know breaking breaking isn't the end you know it's kind of we're terrified of it. We don't want to fall apart. We want to hold it together. We want to hold everyone else together. We don't want to cry. We don't want

SPEAKER_00: 18:01

to. How often do we do that? How often? It's like I said in the introduction, putting on the brave face and not even as extreme as loss of a child or a parent or a friend, the grief of that. It can be other things that are just making us feel broken, but just hiding it.

SPEAKER_01: 18:22

Yeah. And it doesn't help anybody. In fact, it's kind of, it's like holding onto a hot ember. You're just burning yourself. Whereas putting it down, kind of sitting next to it, as it were, rather than, rather than holding onto it, but, but kind of letting it go, you know, kind of facing it and letting it go and kind of questioning the feelings that you, that come up as well when you're, because sometimes it can be quite surprising, you know, and like you say we go through things every day all day you know what I went through with Rowan was very traumatic but it's it doesn't have to be that a big trauma it's all these little things that we hide that we don't assess properly that we don't stop and think about how we're responding to them because and I say this to my children again all the time we can't we can't control the world we can't control the environment that we're in we can't control how other people react to us we can't control the experiences we have my goodness you know there are there are many experiences i would like to delete from my life story um but we can't control that what we can control is how we respond to them that's what we have ultimate control over you know we can't control others but we can control ourselves and then that can change how those events and how those experiences impact us. We genuinely have that control. And so something that is as traumatic as losing Rowan can turn into something that was actually a starting point for me in many ways. It was that metamorphosis that you're talking about. It's that change. I lost things, but I gained things. And I kind of evolved and grew from that moment. I didn't know at the time, and it was awful and horrible, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But there are moments like that where you grow from and you evolve into something far more compassionate and alive and listening and tuned in. And there's an analogy that really... is really powerful for me. And it's something that I've experienced personally as something that I've seen many times in others as well. And it's when we go through trauma, what happens is the light inside us, it gets stronger, it gets brighter. And by that, I mean, that light is our capacity for love and compassion, strength, resilience, emotional intelligence, all these things increase. But when you go through trauma, the pain of that trauma makes you cover it up. So two things are happening. You're actually getting stronger, you're getting brighter, you're getting more powerful, but you're shielding it with all this armour because you're protecting yourself. But then what we're doing after the years of that armour helping us survive, helping us live, doing what we need to do, we get to a point where that light's burning bright, but now we're shielding it and that armour isn't serving us anymore. That armour is actually keeping us in. And this is the point where we have to go, right, who am I? What am I doing? You know, how can I shed this armor so that I can actually truly be me and truly share this light that has grown because of this in a way that impacts not only myself, but those around me, you know, my goodness, the world needs more light now more than ever. And so it's about, it's about, it's about understanding that that light is you are stronger now because of that trauma. But how are you going to bring that into your life? Don't hide it. How are you going to release that and make it even stronger, feed it even more? It's kind of a really power, like that analogy is really like, yeah, it's such a powerful analogy for me. And I see it a lot in other women too. So

SPEAKER_00: 22:22

there's a line you used because we always like had to have a, little pre-chat before recording just to make sure you know we know what we want to talk about and get ideas and just get to know each other a bit more as well because we've met face to face but I haven't met all my guests face to face but there's a phrase that you use and I just think it's so powerful that suffering isn't the opposite of growth it is growth just in a different form and I think that encapsulates what you were saying just now and as you say, the armour that we wear as well and realising when the time is right for us to let the chinks start to show. Because normally it's like chinks and the armour, oh, that's a bad thing. But no, it's a good thing, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01: 23:08

That's where the light comes through, absolutely. I think we believe that growth is just joyful and it's not as hard. Growth is hard, right? We all want to grow. But actually we don't grow in the light. This is what I say. We grow in the dark. We grow in the dark. That's where we expand. That's where we're actually, you know, a lot of growth comes from pain and suffering is a form of growth. If we choose it to be, you know, if we allow it to be. We are so much more powerful than we think we are, all of us. We can handle so much more than we think we can if we just sit with ourselves. And believe that we can. Believe that no matter what happens to you, you still have a choice about how you respond and about how that affects you and what happens next. And I know it's something that we've talked about before, but our instinct as animals is a fight or flight response, but it's not the only choice. There is a choice to just sit. and turn and face it, whatever it is, that demon, that monster, that fear, that anxiety, that depression, because as soon as you turn to face it, it actually shrinks a little bit.

SPEAKER_00: 24:29

And you have

SPEAKER_01: 24:30

that power to do that. And as I say, it's not easy.

SPEAKER_00: 24:36

And you're with me as well, because I think in both our lines of work and the way we live, communication plays a vital role. And As you say, you can see someone, man, woman, child, who seems the strongest, most confident person. But there may well be things behind their armour that they might be desperate to talk about, but just feel that no one wants to listen, that they don't want to impose their hurt, their suffering onto others. But I loved the way that when you lost Rowan, you... open the lines of communication with your colleagues because i know and i don't like the word guilty but i know i've in the past i try not to now but gone down the route of being so fearful of saying the wrong thing that i haven't said anything and but you came up with a wonderful such an empowering way of having the conversations and opening and i'm sure the women listening and we do have men listening sometimes as well uh we'll find it inspirational i mean and also employers as well it's just such a groundbreaking thing to do i think could you just talk through what what you did because i think it's bloody brilliant

SPEAKER_01: 26:01

yeah of course um so I used to work for a company called Grassroots and I was working for Grassroots when I lost Rowan. And they were incredible. They got bought out and they're called something else now. I say this a lot, but I truly believe that they saved the rest of my life. They gave me off as much time as I needed, fully paid, which ended up being two months. They only had to give me a week. And that legislation itself, I think, needs changing. But they were incredible. And then when I came back, it was like, but it's awkward now, right? It's awkward for me. It's awkward for my team. It's awkward for everyone in the office. Some of them maybe knew. They didn't even know why I was off work, where I'd been. And I think you're right. I think that, you know, I don't know about you, but I was always told, if you don't know what to say, don't say anything. but actually that isn't necessarily the right response. If you don't know what to say, ask. Because we make assumptions that how we want to be treated is how everybody else wants to be treated. And what's right for one isn't right for another. So what my boss at the time allowed me to do was to actually write something out, write an email to my colleagues and the people within my creative studio and the wider team that I was working with at the time to actually say, look, When I come back, if you want to come and ask me questions, I'm more than happy to. Please don't pretend that I haven't lost a child. If you want to come and say that you've seen a rowan tree in the park and it reminded you of me and my child, that's great. And I don't have any problem talking about it. What's worse for me is if I came back and nobody mentioned it. That was actually... would have been much more hurtful so I just set the scene I was like look you can respond however you want to respond but this is how I would like you know if you want to say something that's fine if you don't that's also fine I'm not forcing you to do anything but this

SPEAKER_03: 28:03

is

SPEAKER_01: 28:03

This is the kind of environment that would feel safer for me to come back into. And everyone was amazing. Like, honestly, everyone was amazing. And it made such a difference. It made a difference to me, but it made a difference to them. It made a difference to the whole business because suddenly there wasn't an awkwardness. You know, everybody knew, well, it's okay. It's okay to acknowledge. It's okay to come up to me and say, I'm really sorry and give me a hug. That's because they felt safe doing that. And then so did I. So it actually eased that transition for everybody. And it was a really important thing to do. And I think anybody who's been off work for a period of time, for any reason, actually asking to be able to do that is really powerful. And it helps everybody. It's not just for me, it's for everybody. So, yeah, it was kind of being able to do that was a really important moment. But again, it's about owning how you want to navigate the world afterwards. It's about making those choices for yourself and having control about what happens next, rather than letting these things just happen to you. You do have a choice and it's about understanding what that choice is and how you want to make it.

SPEAKER_00: 29:10

That's so powerful. That's so powerful. I think that leads beautifully as well into your top lessons learned from, from your story that are so powerful. powerful I've used that word again but it's the right word that we can all use when we're thinking of how we want to tell our stories as well and familiarize ourselves with our story because again as you say we block so much from ourselves and the first the first point that you've made and you've mentioned it earlier but I'd like to dive a bit deeper is sitting with our emotions and that fight or flight isn't the only option because we don't sit with our emotions enough, do we? We package it away. We block it away.

SPEAKER_01: 29:55

We do. And it's not even like big, strong emotions often. It doesn't have to be a trauma. I mean, how many times have you just felt a bit lost, like a bit unsure, like you don't really know what you're doing or what you want to be doing? That's kind of the same thing. And yeah, my lessons are to sit with that. It's like, okay, ask yourself those questions and listen to what comes up. Sit with those emotions, you know. And I talk about this in my keynote in that one of the emotions that I had after Rowan died, the day she died, was relief. And I was disgusted. I was like, how could I feel relief? This doesn't make any sense to me. Absolutely not. I'm not relieved. I'm devastated. And it was an instinct to push it away. And I did that day. But I returned to her. I was like, that's interesting. And I don't understand why I felt that way. But I'm going to try and understand it. And I just sat with it. And then I realized that, of course, I wasn't relieved that she died. I was relieved because the exact moment that I thought I wouldn't be able to live past, that moment when her heart stopped. I couldn't see anything beyond it. And I was relieved when it happened and that I was still here, that there was something beyond it. And so sitting and understanding what initially was a repulsive reaction actually helped me understand it better and helped understand myself better. And then I didn't have to feel guilt about feeling relief and we pile all these things on top of each other. So sitting with your emotions, listening to yourself, feeling all the fields, whether you like them or not is important. Don't dwell in it, but just listen, witness yourself like really important. Yeah. And, and it kind of, yeah, it goes in hand with fight or flight. Isn't the only, isn't the only option you have a choice. You have a choice to sit with it and to face it a little bit and kind of really reflect on what you want to happen next and who you want to be now, who you are now, because these things change us in an instant. And we're not ready for that. We're still holding on to who we were, right? We're still holding on to what happened before. But what if I'd done this? What if I'd done that? What if this was different? But you're not that person anymore. You're not in that scenario anymore. We're in today. And these things have happened. And it's about owning your story. It's such an important thing. And it's something I do with branding with my clients. But it's something I think we need to do as people is our lives are full of chapters. Some of them great. Those are the ones we like to take photos of and remember very, very clearly. We all have dark chapters that we just don't want to remember and we don't want to look back on. But actually, they make who you are today. All of those things build up who you are today. And you're an amazing person today with amazing possibilities and amazing power and amazing potential. So accepting all of that helps you be in the now because we're not living then in the past and we're not living in the future. It's like, well, I accept all of this. I don't like some of it. Some of it was fucking awful, right? But I accept it because it happened and I can't change it. And so I have to accept it in order to move forward and continue living in the present moment.

SPEAKER_00: 33:17

Absolutely. That whole self-acceptance, again, it's sadly a phrase that's banded around so much, but it is vital. It is vital in trying to fall in love with ourselves in a real deep, true way. And your second point, which moves beautifully into it, is it does take time, isn't it? There's no magic wand. There's no rule book. It's what feels right to you.

SPEAKER_01: 33:45

Yeah. And it's different for everybody. Again, it's not, it's not a, there's no book out there that can tell you how to survive something or how to, how to grow, how to evolve, how to be more you. It's different for everybody. And it takes different times. You know, it might be that it happened, you know, there's this transition that happens really quickly and you have these revelations. Amazing. Sometimes it can take years and that's okay. Like there's no, there's no rule, but there's no right or wrong. And I think that's the thing as well. People go, well, You couldn't possibly have another child yet because it hasn't been that long. Well, who's the only one to say what I should or shouldn't be doing? And yeah, there's no right or wrong. It takes time and it's whatever you need it to be. If that's spending time on your own on a beach somewhere, fine. If it's walking every day in the woods with the dog, fine if it's starting a new hobby if it's painting a picture if it's you know there are loads of different things as if it's a whole career change if it's moving house if there are loads of different ways that we can control who we are and how we live but it's what's right for you there's so many options and it's a wonderful place to be with those options okay what do i get to do now don't look at it like something's been taken away it's like Who am I now? Who do I get to be now because of this experience?

SPEAKER_00: 35:09

And it's about being present in the now, isn't it? Rather than the whole overwhelm. Well, the regret of what could have been, should have been, may have been. Oh, my goodness, if I'd done things better. I'm worrying about the future to actually take that time to take stock now and actually be mindful of now who we are right now.

SPEAKER_01: 35:30

I mean, truth is, Kate. The past doesn't exist and the future doesn't exist. It's all in our brains. It's all in our heads. We worry about things we've done, about things we're going to do and things that, you know, how people will respond and what might happen and what did happen. But none of it's real.

SPEAKER_00: 35:46

It's really not. And even memories. I love the fact that when we have a memory, it's not a memory really of the event. It's a memory of the last time we remembered that event. Yeah, exactly right. Yeah. And each time it will shift slightly. And that's why I mean, our memories of something are always different to other people's memories, which causes confusion and problems in relationships and friendships. And it's just endless, isn't

SPEAKER_01: 36:14

it? It's fascinating, though. Because really all we've got is this second and that's gone now and we're in a new one. Everything else is a construct of our brains and it's probably got deeper than we planned to go. But I find it all fascinating. And actually to try and remember that helps us be more present and helps us just accept who we are today, which then helps us accept others. So it kind of leeches out. It's like this real positive wave of, you know, this new mindset, this new perspective of how we look at ourselves and the world we're in and those around us. So, yeah, I find the whole thing quite fascinating, to

SPEAKER_00: 36:46

be honest. Well, I'm going to change the subject slightly before we go into your three questions. But it's talking about new things. And obviously with your first question, which we'll come to in a little while, being what is your midlife anthem? You've been doing a bit of singing, haven't you? I have. Yes, I have. I'm not going to put you on the spot now. But listeners, Sarah will be sharing all her social links later on and they're in the show notes and on the website. You do not. She's been sharing some little tasters. Go and have a look. But yes, tell us what what are you up to, young lady?

SPEAKER_01: 37:25

So, yeah, this is a completely new thing for me. I'm creative. I always have been lots of different ways. But this is a new one. I was always told I couldn't sing as a child. So I sang in the shower and in the car and on my own. I was very shy as a child anyway. But then as I've grown older, I love singing. It's like a joy. It's like a release. It's beautiful. I love it. And last year I got remarried to my amazing second husband, Luke, and we'd already picked our first dance song. And I was coming away from a networking meeting where there's this wonderful lady called Carmen, who is a singer, songwriter, vocal coach. The song came on on the radio on the car and I was singing along and I thought, oh, I wonder if she can help me record it for the wedding as a

SPEAKER_03: 38:10

gift

SPEAKER_01: 38:11

to my husband. And so I went to her and I said, look, if I can't sing, if I'm rubbish, just tell me and we'll can the whole idea. But we did it and it was great. I loved the whole process. And actually, the song was so good. I played that version at the wedding. No one could believe it was me. Neither could I really, listening to it back, to be honest, Kate. Did you dance to it? Yeah, yeah. First dance

SPEAKER_00: 38:33

to it?

SPEAKER_01: 38:34

Yeah, absolutely. My dad was like, that's not you. And I'm like, I know what you mean, but it is. Like, it is a bit of a surprise. I love that. I loved the whole process. And so I had a few singing lessons just to kind of understand what my voice was. And I thought, well, what am I going to do? I don't want to be in a band. I don't really want to sing. And then the lovely Denise Green, who I know you know, who was the lady who married us, actually, a very dear friend.

SPEAKER_00: 38:56

And who's been a guest on Midlife Unlimited as well.

SPEAKER_01: 38:58

Absolutely. She said, well, you write a charity song. Instead of going, well, that's a good idea. My brain went, I'm doing that. Literally two days later, it might have been the day after. It took me less than an hour to write the whole thing. And it's been a process. I am not musical. I don't play an instrument. I wouldn't know how to string a note together. So I've had help with lots of people, musicians, music production people. I've got studio time booked in London early next month, which is really exciting. And I'm releasing and singing and writing my own charity song that will raise money for SANS. which is the Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society, and for Beyond Boundaries, which is Denise's charity, of which I'm a trustee for. So I kind of figured, Kate, to be honest, it can't go wrong, can it? Because if it's a little bit pants and it only raises 100 quid, it's still a good thing. And 100 quid's 100 quid. Yeah, well, exactly. So, yeah, and I've loved the whole process so far. And I'm really kind of, yeah, it's kind of... It's exciting. Is it coming out July or

SPEAKER_00: 40:08

August?

SPEAKER_01: 40:09

It's going to be launched in October and I'm actually having a launch event where I will be inviting people. I will be delivering my keynote speech, which is kind of linked with it. And then singing the song live, which is kind of exciting and absolutely terrifying. And raising money for the two charities. There's representatives from the two charities coming. So, yes, it will be launched in October because it's Child Loss Awareness Month.

SPEAKER_03: 40:33

And

SPEAKER_01: 40:33

then we'll see where it goes from there, Kate. I mean, who knows? And this is the joy of leaning into what makes you happy. I don't know where this is going. It's not going to make any money for me because all the money that I'm making from it, I've invested money in the project, but I haven't. I'm not going to make anything, but who knows what happens next? It's really exciting. And I've started sharing singing bits and bobs, as you know, on

SPEAKER_03: 40:54

LinkedIn

SPEAKER_01: 40:54

and on Facebook. And I've got a new Insta account as well, where I'm going to kind of document the journey of the charity song, which is exciting as well. And yeah, Because I figured no one knows I sing. So who's going to want to listen to the charity song if no one knows I can sing? So I thought I've got to be brave and I've got to just record

SPEAKER_00: 41:13

myself. You've got to market this. Yes.

SPEAKER_01: 41:15

Yeah, I've got to put it out there so that people go, oh, actually, I'm interested and want to listen to it. But I've been recording myself on my phone in one take. No editing.

SPEAKER_00: 41:24

I love the black and white as well.

SPEAKER_01: 41:25

Yeah, I did that on the first one and I thought, oh, I like that. So I'm just going to do that. And it kind of singular, you know, it kind of. makes it different to the other social content I'm putting out there as well. So yeah, I'm leaning in. I'm seeing where it goes. I'm loving the process and I can't wait to release the song.

SPEAKER_00: 41:43

Well, I'm so excited for you and I will make sure that all your links on the show notes, which I can update, even though our episode is, coming out on the 17th of July. I will make sure that we will update the links and on your guest profile on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website as well. So everyone can follow you along in the countdown to the release and go and get it as well. But yeah, well, you know now then, oh, I didn't ask, are we allowed to know the name of the song? Oh, this is a

SPEAKER_01: 42:14

bit of a, this is a, I haven't shared this publicly anywhere. So this is a bit of a,

SPEAKER_00: 42:21

Oh, are you going to share it? Do I need a drum roll? Yeah, I think I might.

SPEAKER_01: 42:25

I think I might. Oh, how exciting. Yeah, this is like a, I can't think of the word. It's completely gone out of my brain. Grand reveal. It's an exclusive, Kate. Here, now, today, yeah. The song's called Hello, Goodbye.

SPEAKER_00: 42:40

Love it. Yeah. It's going to be a goosebump one. I can feel that.

SPEAKER_01: 42:46

I've played it to a few friends and they've all cried. And

SPEAKER_00: 42:51

your voice is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Thank

SPEAKER_01: 42:55

you. It means a lot to me because I'm not used to hearing that. I'm still kind of getting used to hearing that. But yeah, it kind of goes back to what I was saying before. This is a prime example of falling into the trap myself as well. I've got all the good advice, but we all still fall into it. It doesn't feel like me. And yet when I hear myself sing, I go... She can sing. Oh, that's me. And I have to kind of, I have to kind of, you know. It's

SPEAKER_00: 43:17

putting the two together, isn't

SPEAKER_01: 43:19

it? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Kind of accept that as part of my skills and part of what I'm able to do. So, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 43:25

I think as well, compliments. I don't know if it's a midlife thing, a woman thing, but we're not good at accepting them. If we've done a good piece of work, we can go, yes, I can. But when it's something more personal. And I don't just mean, oh, you look nice today, love. I mean, in terms of something that's very personal to us, especially as you say, it's something that you perhaps think you haven't been that good at all. It is quite like, oh, thank you.

SPEAKER_01: 43:53

Yeah, it's really hard. I've come a long way with accepting compliments. When I was younger, I barely heard them, Kate. It was like air over my head. It just washed straight over me. I wouldn't hear them. I wouldn't accept them. I would, you know, it would just be, I'd almost bat them off. It would be like, oh no, no, no. Then it got to the point where I could hear them at least and say, thank you. Then it got to the point where, and this is kind of where I am now with a lot of things, not all things, but if someone gives me a compliment, like, oh, you're a really good singer. I'm now at the point where I believe that they believe that to be true, but I still don't believe that to be true. So that's the next step. Fair enough. That's the next step for me. But it's kind of interesting to see how, yeah, accepting compliments, like verbally, but also emotionally, how that, I think we're probably all the same, but how that's transitioned. But

SPEAKER_00: 44:45

yeah, it's a good step that you're actually accepting that they mean it in a complimentary way rather than why they, because it can be like, what are they after? Why are they saying that they're trying to butter me up? I believe that

SPEAKER_01: 44:56

they believe it now. Like I believe, otherwise they wouldn't be saying it. I believe that they believe that to be true. And that's lovely. It's a nice feeling. But yeah, I just need to believe that what they're saying is true as well. As in, I need to embody that as a true thing.

SPEAKER_00: 45:13

I must say, I can't wait. This is going to get, you're going to be embodying it more and more in the countdown. So again, all links will be coming up later and in the show notes. But we're now going to move into your three questions. It's the same three questions I ask each of my fabulous female guests every week and you're not going to escape yeah no there's no escape from these so the first question on the musical theme what is your midlife anthem the song or piece of music that when you hear it you punch the air and say sarah yes Do you know what? I wish I had a cool answer.

SPEAKER_01: 45:54

No, we like cheesy. Cheesy is good. It's not cool at all, but it's It's My Life by Bon Jovi. Oh, yeah. And there's a reason for this. So I actually went to the last ever gig at the old Wembley Stadium, which was Bon Jovi. I would have been 19 at the time. I

SPEAKER_00: 46:13

saw them at Hammersmith Odeon, their first UK tour. Many, many, many, many, many moons ago. Many years

SPEAKER_01: 46:23

ago, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 46:23

Fabulous. Sorry. They were amazing. Yeah,

SPEAKER_01: 46:25

Wembley Stadium. I've never been there and it was the last ever one before they knocked it down. And I think the next week I was actually leaving the country to go and get married in Africa and I was there with my best friend and It's My Life came on and we screamed it and we cried and, you know, It's My Life and you've got to live now. It's now or never. You know, nothing, we don't live forever. It's just, yeah, and it's always been a very, very much an anthem for me. so yeah it's not a cool one but that's what it is

SPEAKER_00: 46:53

oh john's very cool we love a bit of john oh i like that i like that i don't think anyone's chosen bon jovi before and i i am a bit of a not a not even a closet joviest is that a thing

SPEAKER_01: 47:05

i'm not sure most most bon jovi fans are closet and i don't think we should be i think we should be no we're out

SPEAKER_00: 47:13

We may not have the 80s or 90s, more 90s, wasn't it? Anyway, I'm thinking he is right. He is rather lovely, isn't he? He's still got it. You've still got it, John. Which leads me in to what is your midlife mantra or mantras, if that's the plural, because we allow more than one here.

SPEAKER_01: 47:35

I have got two, actually. One is linked with music. And I'm a goth at heart, and Metallica is my favourite band of all time. And ever since my mid-teens, kind of 14, 15, maybe, Carpe Diem is one of my mantras, which is seize the day. It's always been really important to me, actually. It's linked with my favourite band, but as soon as I realised what it meant, I was like, I just love that. And it

SPEAKER_00: 48:06

ties in with your anthem as well.

SPEAKER_01: 48:08

ties in perfectly yeah it does and with all that we've been talking about about being in the now about today you know yeah it's all the same and the the other one which is one that's kind of evolved in the last 15 years or so is the world is as you are you know if we enter the world with with hatred and anger and bitterness then that's what we see that's

SPEAKER_00: 48:31

yeah

SPEAKER_01: 48:31

it's reflected back so if we can enter the one with kindness and love and compassion then that's what we see so the world is as you are and it's a really simple phrase but it's actually really powerful and I think sometimes when I'm struggling or I'm having a really shitty time I can go right come on because you're you're kind of partly creating this so the world is as you are right let's make today good what am I grateful for and so yeah the world is as you are is a great mantra for me

SPEAKER_00: 48:57

no I love that because it's all down to choices again isn't it yeah

SPEAKER_01: 49:00

yeah

SPEAKER_00: 49:01

Yeah. So one final choice then. Question three. Do you like my little links? Yeah, I love it. I love it. Segway. I like a Segway. It always makes me think of the Radio 1 Roadshow when they used to do the Segway music competition. Anyway, showing my

SPEAKER_03: 49:20

age now. I remember

SPEAKER_00: 49:21

that. Yeah. What is the title of your autobiography?

SPEAKER_01: 49:27

This one for me is quite funny because... I've been married twice and obviously changed my name to Brayson when I got married last. And my lovely new husband told me that I would be spelling it out for the rest of my life, but he's worth it. So it's absolutely fine by me. So the title would be Brayson, not Branson. And it would be all about the identity and owning your difference. A kind of a story of clarity, courage and creative mischief, I suppose. I

SPEAKER_00: 49:55

like that. I like that. And when's it coming out? Because I can see this. I

SPEAKER_01: 50:00

don't know. What's this space? I'll add

SPEAKER_00: 50:01

it to the single. We'll get the single done first. We'll get the single done first. You've got a busy couple of months, several months coming up. I'm thrilled to be part of the journey with you. So I'm sure it's been such a powerful episode and I thank you. I thank you for being so open. I think it's going to resonate with so many women and men. So How can the lovely listeners contact you? As I say, all your show notes, no, all your contact details and links and their live links will be in the show notes for the episode and on your guest profile on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website. But if you could just talk us through how listeners can get in touch with you.

SPEAKER_01: 50:44

Yeah, of course. So I have a website, which is sarahbrayson.com. B-R-A-S-O-N. I'm quite apparent on LinkedIn, so you can come and find me on LinkedIn. You can email me at hello at sarahbrayson.com. So there's a theme with the name, which is all good. And I would have shared the new Insta page I've got, but I can't remember the name. So I'll have to share it with you later. We can perhaps put it

SPEAKER_00: 51:15

in the comments. We'll pop it in the show notes and there'll be, you know what I'm like in publicising the episodes. I've got posts left, right and centre. So we'll make sure it's all there.

SPEAKER_01: 51:23

Absolutely, absolutely. And if you're looking for... If you're in a charity or own your own business or want to start a business and kind of struggling with branding, absolutely happy to have a conversation. If you're looking for a keynote speaker, kind of linked with all the things that I've talked about today, then I'd be absolutely delighted to help make your event special as well. So, yeah, it's been such an honour, Kate, honestly, to come and talk and for you to give me space to be open and kind of share the way I view the world and some of my experiences and It's been an honour. And if it helps just one, then it's absolutely a beautiful thing to be able to do. So thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00: 52:04

Oh, that means a lot. Thank you very much. Because I think you get what Midlife Unlimited is all about. It's about sharing our stories. You're there. So listeners, I'd like your feedback on today's episode. So you could leave a review or... Or you can email me or text me via the link in the show notes and come and join the Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook group. Sarah's in there. So we'll be sharing her progress in there as well with the single. And you can find details of how to get in contact with me on the website as well with exclusive details of my Midlife Metamorphosis coaching offers. So thank you for joining me today, Sarah. It's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you for listening. I look forward to you tuning in next week. Don't forget Midlife Unlimited has a new episode every Thursday available wherever you listen to your podcasts. So here's to being fabulous and flourishing together and living Midlife Unlimited. Thanks, Sarah. Thanks, Kate.