Episode #035 How to Make Midlife Dead Simple with Guest Louise Monaghan

Do you put things in a safe place? Your host Kate Porter does – then more often than not forgets where that safe place is, thanks to a brain fog moment.

And as for owning stuff… don’t get her started.

With 61% of Sandwich Generation carers being women, getting our heads around the potentially overwhelming array of needs that our ageing relatives have can threaten to become a full-time job in itself. With the result that it can limit the actual time we have to spend continuing to make magical memories with our loved ones in their twilight years.

And, when they do pass, the seemingly unavoidable sadmin can add an extra layer to the grief process.

So, without wanting to sound morbid, what can we do to save our nearest and dearest from having to go through this extra stress when our time does eventually come… giving us the peace of mind to get on with living our Midlife to the max?

If this resonates with you as a Gen X woman, join your host Kate Porter The Midlife Metamorphosis Coach® and her guest founder of Dead Organised Louise Monaghan for Episode 035 as they talk about How to Make Midlife Dead Simple.

Kate and Louise share their first-hand experiences of juggling caring for elderly relatives with wanting to make these precious times count. And Louise explains how this is the driving force which has led to her creating the Dead Organised platform.

From Dostadning – the Swedish art of death cleaning – to legacy films and just what to do with that ugly vase, this episode is packed with practical advice and inspiration for ensuring life stories are not lost while enabling guilt-free stuff sorting.

And tune in for Louise’s top tips on how to we can create a harmonious legacy for both our loved ones and ourselves. 

Connect with Louise

https://www.linkedin.com/in/louise-monaghan

https://www.instagram.com/dead_organised/

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100095349017081

Transcript

SPEAKER_02: 0:01

Welcome to Midlife Unlimited, the podcast for women who want more. I'm your host, Kate Porter, the midlife metamorphosis coach, and I know what it's like to feel stuck navigating the midlife maze. I've looked in the mirror and thought, who is that woman? So Midlife Unlimited is here to let you know you are not alone. You don't have to put on a brave face and put up with it. You don't have to play it safe. Midlife Unlimited is all about ripping off that mask and telling midlife like it really is. Nothing is off limits because together there's no limit to what we can achieve. So welcome to today's episode. Now, do you put things in a safe place? I do. Then more often than not, forget where that safe place is, especially if I'm having a brain fog moment. And as for owning stuff, don't get me started. Seemingly unavoidable sadmin can add an extra painful layer to the grief process. So without wanting to sound morbid, what can we do to save our loved ones from having to go through this extra stress when our time does eventually come? And give us the peace of mind to get on with living our midlife to the max. So I'm delighted to be joined by my guest today, Louise Monaghan, founder of Dead Organised, to talk about how to make midlife dead simple. So welcome, Louise. It's lovely to have you here.

SPEAKER_00: 1:44

Thank you. It's lovely to be here. That sounds great introduction as well. Thank you. Oh,

SPEAKER_02: 1:49

thank you very much. Well, I say it's it's this episode is going to be dual fold. And you are the person to speak to about this. But it's something I was actually thinking about. And then we we kind of email and I thought, yes, there's a there's an episode here that needs making. Because it's obviously we are the sandwich generation. So it's highly likely that, well, obviously you and I are in that kind of limbo-esque situation to a certain extent, but it's highly likely that the ladies listening are in a similar, put my teeth in a similar situation, but also it got us thinking about what we can do for ourselves as well. So we can just one less thing to worry about, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00: 2:32

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02: 2:34

And yeah, I mean, we said, you know, an alternative episode could be how to get your midlife in order because you're all about creating, well, it's a roadmap really, isn't it, to the second half of your life?

SPEAKER_00: 2:46

Yeah, exactly. That's how it started. I'm I'm currently caring for my aunt who is 90 and she lives in Manchester and I'm down in Berkshire. And so about two years ago when we realized that she needed a bit of, she was struggling on her own and we thought we'd get some people in, but I had absolutely no idea where to turn. I didn't know where to go. And it was just through asking friends And then getting in a private care company to start with, to come in for an hour a day. We just thought it was loneliness to start with. And then you're in the system. And you realize that there is no roadmap, firstly. And secondly, you are just bounced around from GPs to social services to the NHS. Nobody's talking to each other. There are so many wonderful charities out there. doing wonderful things to help to help people in this situation but there's you don't find them and nine times out of ten you find them too late and you think oh I could have done with you you know six months ago but now you know my relatives moved on a bit and so we're past that stage and and so there's no roadmap and um so I'm I decided to build what I needed I wanted one platform, somewhere I can go to find all the information to help me. You know, we're the sandwich generation. Right now, well, as of 2023, it's probably grown even more. There were 1.4 million sandwich carers in the UK. And that's unpaid carers. There was a carers report came out last year, this year. And there's a lot of information out there, but it's getting it to the people. And You know, one thing I say is you don't know what you don't know until you need to know it, which is very true. Once you're in it, you're dealing with it. You actually don't have, it's a full-time job. There's the admin, there's the appointments, the phone calls, the paperwork, the arranging. It's just full on and it's very lonely and it's full on and it's very stressful. You know, 61% of sandwich carers are women. which isn't a surprise. One in five employees are caring for elderly relatives and a huge number of people give up work. I remember you saying in terms of numbers,

SPEAKER_02: 5:30

it kind of outweighs the childcare people in full time, the need for that. But it just goes under the radar, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_00: 5:38

It goes under the radar. And as of the beginning of this year, the dynamics changed and there are now more employees needing help with elder care than there are with childcare. So, you know, businesses need to lose their staff, they're losing productivity because, you know, there's sickness. People in the sandwich generation are seeing more of their parents' GPs than they are of their own. And they're missing their own appointments and not looking after their own health. And then they're getting ill because of, you know, the stress of looking after their parents or their elder relatives. So that was the first thing, setting it up for. And then secondly, you know, realizing that we're the next generation to get old. And so do we want this for our children or our family or what do we want to leave as our legacy? And let's, while we're doing it for our parents, let's think about doing it for ourselves and getting organized. And just like, and it doesn't mean, I mean, it's also our culture. We don't talk about death anymore. No. And the statistics show, as my friend who's written a good book on it, Jane Duncan Rogers, the statistics show that 100% of us are going to die. And hiding our

SPEAKER_02: 7:03

head under a rock isn't going to change that.

SPEAKER_00: 7:06

No. Not going to change it. And it's... But also dead organised is not belittling death. We're talking about old people dying and in the proper, you know, nature, how it should be. Yeah,

SPEAKER_02: 7:19

no, absolutely. I love your phrase, helping us live a life to die for, because I see it again and again. The older people, my dad's 94. It's... starting to get forgotten almost and it's like no you know we're not just because they're old and frail it doesn't mean that we don't talk about them and involve them in things

SPEAKER_00: 7:49

and they've lived a life they've got experience they've got stories that are so fantastically interesting and you know guess what? We can learn a lot from them. We can, you know, listen to their advice. No, they don't get it right all the time, but they don't get it wrong all the time either. And, you know, the old ways it's, and keeping, holding onto those family memories, those stories that you just don't know about, or, you know, it's too late. You know, when you're clearing out a relative's house, maybe you find photos, you think, oh, who are the, But you're just chucking away photos because you don't know who's in them. You don't know the stories. You're chucking away that old ugly vase that has always been in the hallway because you don't know the story. But it could be that that belonged to, you know, Uncle Fred. And so you could give it to a relative that they might be

SPEAKER_02: 8:44

interested. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00: 8:45

So it's just finding the stories, listening to the stories.

SPEAKER_02: 8:49

No, I want, I want to come back to that, but just to let the listeners know, you will be sharing your top tips later on that we can apply both obviously to our older relatives and also start putting things in place by having the conversations for us as well. But I'd like to go back because when we were chatting, I, listeners will know by now I like to have a pre-podcast recording brainstorm really because I say we haven't I hope we will but because we're not that far away from each other actually I think we will meet face to face but it's just nice to start rather than coming in cold and we were talking about stuff weren't we and from like dinner services yeah yeah

SPEAKER_00: 9:33

yeah I mean what what do we do with them what do we do exactly I mean, a lot of our generation, but certainly our parents' generation, they have the dinner service that they got as a wedding gift. Yeah. That's in a cupboard, in the sideboard. And there's loads of it. And never used. Never used, no. It's a special occasion. And so it's getting them to use it or to use it now because why not? Every day is, you know, a celebration.

UNKNOWN: 10:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 10:05

but then or giving it to you know handing it down to grandchildren for university if they're going off or if they're starting their own home or you know and it's because otherwise but it's having it's being able to approach your relatives in the right way because otherwise they feel that their independence is being taken or you're making decisions and it's their special crockery so why would you get you know and so it's but it's changing the mindset that What's the point in having it stuck in a cupboard? And I also have to say, I come at this as a hoarder and very disorganized.

SPEAKER_02: 10:43

Oh, that's why I mentioned stuff and I am... I don't like the word guilty, but no. And you think you've sorted it out and then you're like, how have I got more stuff now? How? So I'm literally starting the clear it, sell it, clear it, sell it. And we emptied the garage. I'm sure we did. And it's still, it's my other half though. I got rid of loads of stuff and he's like, great. Squirreled stuff in there it is now. But that, no, I totally agree with you. We don't want them. And by them, that sounds disrespectful. We don't want our, older relatives to think we're coming in with a bin liner and a dustpan and brush and like erasing them before before they've disappeared to wherever they're going no we're not we're not saying their stuff's irrelevant we're just saying it's so easy and I'm sure there are going to be women and men listening who've been in this situation when someone passes to then think what the bloody hell am I going to do? What's important? What isn't important? Why have they held on to this vase? Is there a story behind it? And as you were saying as well, with crockery, yes, let's use it. Or if not, why don't we actually get something now? Because now it's so easy and there are so many vintage, not vintage, sorry, well, yes, vintage, vintage sites or auction houses for getting rid of things like crockery, et cetera, if you don't, or donating it. But to actually reinvest in a piece that you buy together for future, you know, for the grandkids to have.

SPEAKER_00: 12:18

That, you know, it's just... Yeah, it's coming out with different ideas and... you know if you don't want to get rid of stuff so let's repurpose it or you know upcycle or you know it's coming up with different ideas if that's part of our platform as well we have you know There's something called Dostagning, which is Swedish. I'm glad you said it because

SPEAKER_02: 12:41

I was dreading having to say it. Can you explain what it is for the listeners? I wasn't aware, but I love the idea.

SPEAKER_00: 12:47

It's the gentle art of Swedish death cleaning written by a lady called Margarita Magnusson. And it's just an unfortunate name. Death cleaning sounds pretty horrendous, but it gets your attention. And she gets you to, I think she says from the age of 60, I think she says, you should start decluttering, calling it death cleaning. So every time someone visits, you give them something to take away. I like that idea. Just having that idea that you don't want to leave a load of stuff for your kids to have to clear out or your family members. And I know, you know, I have a friend after her parents had died and she was clearing out stuff that her mum had kept and it was lovely stuff you know memories like her swimming certificates or you know brownie certificates and or letters and cards she'd given her mum and they were her mum had kept them and she felt but obviously they were just the stuff now to her and she felt terrible about getting rid of them because her mum had kept them for 50 odd years and but then if she said, if she'd had that conversation with her mum beforehand so that her mum could say, this box is all stuff that's important to me, either bury it with me or definitely get rid of it when I'm gone, it'll mean nothing to you, then she would have had no guilt of like, okay, you know, Mum said, that's fine to get rid of. But it's still because we haven't had those conversations. Or, oh, why did she keep this? Is there a story? But it's too late then. So it's about having the conversations. It's about, it's not decluttering. You know, decluttering, you can be quite harsh. You can be like, I haven't used that for three months. I haven't worn that for a year. Get rid of it. You know, all of that. But I think this is far more sensitive and it's listening to the stories behind everything. So it's, yeah, it's a different service to a decluttering service. But it's, and it's really important because it is, you don't want to think, oh, I should have done that and I can't. You know, I mean, I, obviously my dad died over 20 years ago now, but you know, he, he had an amazing job and he, and there's so many things I'd love to ask him now. You know, I just, he was dad and did what he did. And, but now I, you know, so many things that I would love to have asked him. And so, yeah, do it now, write it down. We also on the platform, we have, you know, write we have people who can write the biography for you or we show you how yeah how to write a autobiography you know that's the other thing quite often at funerals someone might stand up and talk about the person's life and they lived here and they lived there and they did this and you know sometimes you can be oh i never knew that i never knew they'd lived abroad or you know that so write the stories use the photographs in the book to write about situations, things that have happened. There's also a lady I met last week and she makes, she's a filmmaker and her mother has now got dementia. But 10 years ago, she made a film about her mother's life. So she now makes, and she's so thrilled that she made the film then because she has these wonderful legacy films. So she's on our platform doing proper work you can do them yourself but you know her mum was telling the stories and then with the photos and you know it's wonderful um so it's yes it's it's a busy platform and there's lots to think about and and when you're in it when you're living it you do not have time to to think of all these things because you are just living it and it is a full-time job and it is so stressful. And that's, you know, I am building what I need. And also I'm coming at it not from a medical or a legal angle. I'm coming at it from my background, which is hospitality. So I want everyone, the elderly person and me to have a fantastic customer experience. And so that's how I'm looking at it. And that's what I'm hoping.

SPEAKER_02: 17:29

Yeah. So talk me through it, because we've alluded to how dead organizers come about and you've mentioned certain areas of it. But talk me through it. How does it

SPEAKER_00: 17:43

work? So the platform which is being built, it was very simple platform. because I was just helping out local people, people I came in contact with, and I haven't really gone big with it. But the more people I speak to, everyone's saying, oh, yes, I want this, I want this service. So I'm now building a program and and trying to help more people so so the website is being developed right now um but you can come to us for a one-to-one concierge service we can have a meeting tell me where you're at um and we can um you know go through what you need to do if you want us to do that for you There are amazing websites out there already offering, you know, free services, charities. Age UK is a fantastic website. There's a website called lottie.org, which you can find lots of care, all your care options on there, and they will help you find those. Dementia Society, Dementia UK, you know, there are brilliant websites. There's one called the Cairns Room, which was set up. for carence so the new word caring parents yes cool so um there's an awful lot of information out there um another part of the process is you don't have time you it is full-on and you know if you just want somebody to help you to go through it for you to do the research you know in your area there will be or in the area of your loved one there will be amazing charities that you know, befriending charities, you know, Meals on Wheels type thing. There will be lots of things going on, but it's finding them and, you know, people... And still finding time to actually see

SPEAKER_02: 19:36

your relatives.

SPEAKER_00: 19:36

Still finding time. You've got to do the GP appointment and, you know, then you get bounced around. Then you get into social services and you speak to a different person every time and then they're doing assessments and you have to have all the paperwork together. Yeah. So it is literally nonstop. So that's the first part is we can help you through that. We can give you a nice little checklist of what you need to do to start with. If you're already in it and you're just struggling, then, you know, you can join and just be part of a community where people understand because it can be quite boring when you end up just talking about dementia or just talking about, oh, well, you know, I couldn't go to that event because I had to take my dad to a doctor's appointment and then I, you know, had to go to the hospital. And then, you know, it's nice to have people who completely understand. And, you know, I was thinking about this the other day, when you have friendships that you've lasted a long time, it's funny the different phases you go through, sort of in your twenties, you were all talking about, well, certainly my generation, you, you know, people getting or 21st birthday parties and then people getting engaged and then married so lots of weddings and then lots of baby talk and then lots of teenage angst talk and then you go through an empty nesting and now when I see my friends we're talking about our parents or dementia or, you know, so we're at that stage now, but I think there is also, as you will certainly know, um, there's a huge revolution happening with middle-aged women and we are, we want something different and we want things to improve. And, um, so whilst we're in it and dealing with it, um, we're not happy with what it is. So the third part of Dead Organized is looking at the system. And again, I'm looking at it from hospitality, but the system is broken. We know that, but it's so sad how our elderly loved ones are treated. And so we need things to improve because by the time we get to that age, you know we want something different we want something better and um so it's looking at that it's looking at models from abroad how they you know there's lots of intergenerational living that is a huge success you know students get free accommodation in um i think it's in um the netherlands um that they have a a program where students get free accommodation um if they uh living in an accommodation with old people and they have to spend, I

SPEAKER_02: 22:29

think

SPEAKER_00: 22:31

it's something like 30 hours a week with this older person. However, they've discovered that they spend way more than that because they actually enjoy it. They get a lot from it. That person gets a lot from it. You know, there are blue zones around the world where people are living longer and healthier lives. and looking at why they're living longer and healthier lives. You know, part of Dead Organized as well is a whole nutrition. I mean, eating well is proven to, I mean, I heard a statistic today. 60% of our diet in the UK is ultra processed foods. And in Italy, it's 18% or something is ultra processed foods. And the number one cause of death in the UK is dementia and in Italy it's the eighth cause of death so there is a correlation there's not a cause there's a correlation but we need to we need to live longer and healthier. So we need to look at that for ourselves. I'm going off at tangents here with what... No, but it's also

SPEAKER_02: 23:42

relevant. We mentioned when we were chatting before we started recording, we mentioned Natasha's episode, didn't we? Because that was all about processed food versus real food. And these are all things that We are now as midlife women, as Gen Xers, we're looking at them now. I know. I mean, I was 56 in June and it's like, no, this is now my time to really start thinking, where do I want to be for my 60th? Yeah. How do I want to be feeling? I want to be fitter. I want to be... My son's like, yeah, go on, mum. Yes. I'm like, no, I want a six pack by the time I'm 60.

SPEAKER_01: 24:18

Brilliant.

SPEAKER_02: 24:19

And it'll be my... yeah this is it this is it because we're not good at celebrating life are we we just think oh sweep it under the carpet once we get past a certain age no no no we're there's so much talk now about 50 being the new 30 but no we are getting older as a as a population yeah and No, let's start celebrating it more. And there was a great I don't know if you were quoting from or it was just an inspired sentence of your own. But fear doesn't stop you dying. It stops you living. And we're going to get to your top tips in a minute. But I think it's fair to say, and I don't mean fear of failure. I mean, I mean, fear of having the conversations.

SPEAKER_00: 25:06

Yes. I think that's a big part of it. If you're having those conversations, it means it's imminent or it's, you know, I'm too young to have those conversations. So I'm not, it's too morbid. It's, you know, and it's actually the best time. I was talking with someone the other week and they were listening to a piece of music and they were dancing around with their kids in the kitchen to the music and they said, oh, I definitely want this at my funeral. And that's okay to say it. You know, she's in her 50s. Oh, I've done that.

SPEAKER_02: 25:39

No one's going to get upset. My partner and my son. No, I'm having vol-a-vons. Not me. I won't be having them. Vol-a-vons for everyone. And yeah. And it's going to be the Nolans, I'm in the mood for dancing. Excellent. Brilliant. And then there's a song called, I think it's by The Calling that I won't, I can't even say the title because it makes me cry. But it's a very moving song. So we'll have a bit of that, but then go into the Nolans. Oh, excellent. I think it's called Wherever You Will Go. It's like, if I could, it's like a kind of a bit of a rock chick at heart. But yeah, that's it. I think then we're going to go into your tips because the first one is have the conversation. And it doesn't have to be one, does it? This is an actual system of conversations.

SPEAKER_00: 26:31

I mean, on the thing you were saying before as well, we have funeral planners on there and so many people are are doing living funerals now called funerals. Yeah, I like the idea of that. They want to be there. They want to have a great celebration. And, you know, it is a thing. People are having living funerals.

SPEAKER_02: 26:54

Well, both my parents have opted not to have a funeral at all, which I know is going to be very odd.

SPEAKER_00: 26:59

Yeah, I think that's happening more now. That's happening.

SPEAKER_02: 27:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 27:02

So get people together while you're there. Yeah,

SPEAKER_02: 27:06

no, absolutely. Well, my dad said, he said, you know, he said he hates funerals because they're bloody depressing. And he said, to be honest, he's 94. Hopefully he'll live another 10 years, another 20 years, whatever. But the chances are most of his friends, colleagues won't be around. So have a celebration. He's like, I'd love you to have a celebration in my name. Exactly. But it is about having fun. the conversation isn't it and I said I've got friends as well who nowadays I don't know why I mean we just mentioned funeral directors they've lost a grandparent or a parent and there's almost been like a month until the funeral and they've all I mean I know there are the stages of grief and there's no rule book there's no everyone experiences it differently but to my mind you'd almost got through a certain level of the grief process and then it's right back at you, like a big smack in the face,

SPEAKER_00: 28:10

isn't it? Yeah, exactly. And yeah, all of that sad men, um, it's just, um, you know, you need to, if you, if you get things in place now, then you don't, it makes it so much easier at your worst time when you can't make decisions. Um, you know, you, you, yeah.

UNKNOWN: 28:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 28:30

That's why we can set this up and you can start the conversation. And it's not the only conversation you're going to have. No. But we say have the conversation so that you kind of normalize it a bit and you are, yeah, you're making it not scary. I mean, so many cultures around the world, you know, they celebrate death because someone's had a life.

UNKNOWN: 28:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 28:58

And so it's about starting the conversation, having that family meeting. And this sort of thing won't be normal to a lot of people. So it's about, you know, we can help you and guide you through. And we've got like little games you can play if you want to involve the whole family. So you've also got young people there, you know, and you ask questions, even if it's like, you know, what songs would you like at your funeral? You know, the young people would be happy to talk about But again, and then you can talk about the reason behind it as well. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02: 29:30

Another point you raised before as well when we were chatting that I thought was very interesting and so true is that in these family meetings it's a blinking good opportunity to actually assign roles or responsibilities so it's not just the eldest or the only daughter or the only son I'm not being sexist here but I can imagine that in these situations it tends to be one person who might be the busiest person who might be the older person who just says okay okay I'll bloody do it all

SPEAKER_00: 30:02

yeah yeah there's always this so I mean that's another part of it you know siblings fall out families fall out because there is always one person who does more than the other there is someone who lives closer or someone who moves closer or moves the parent you know so it's not like my brother I'm looking after my aunt but it's my brother's aunt too but he lives abroad so it's and I don't live close but you know he does what he can but I think at the meeting you can assign roles to people and if someone is abroad then it's their job to make the call the FaceTime call or the call three times a week at six o'clock

SPEAKER_02: 30:44

yeah and I don't know but I'm guessing from my own experience that maintaining consistency in terms of having one relative to talk to about certain things yeah might be easier for the aging relative rather than just having different people different conversations and just to keep the thread

SPEAKER_00: 31:03

yeah

SPEAKER_02: 31:04

I might be talking absolute rubbish.

SPEAKER_00: 31:06

No, I think if you've got one person dealing with adult services or if you've got that one person, then that's much easier because if you ask someone else to do it, then they don't know all the history. And like I said, you are just bounced around between so many people that unless you are in it, and say, no, I've already spoken to them. You know, someone else comes in and say, oh, I'm being passed on to this department. It's like, no, no, no, no, I've already spoken to them. So it's just easier to have one person doing one specific thing. Well, I

SPEAKER_02: 31:38

know my sister with my dad, my sister did a lot of it because you, and it's like, have you applied for this? And no, he doesn't qualify for that, but he might qualify for this. But then you have to go back again to get him assessed for this. And it's like... It's pointless if we're both coming at it. Well, obviously, I've got a brother in Australia. And again, it's keeping him in the loop. Yeah, it's tricky. It's tricky. Yeah, it's really tricky. I mean, I did love because I did mention at the very beginning and I know I say I won't use the word guilty, but putting things in safe places, having stuff scattered around. Your second tip is a sensible one. start a folder or a book

SPEAKER_00: 32:20

and wills as well you can get you can buy them online you can buy them in shops some of them they're not very sensitive they can't be titled I'm dead now what I love that and now I'm dead now it's your problem or whatever it says on the front so you can buy them you can make your own you can do whatever you like but start a folder where you're putting, well, number one, hopefully everybody has an LPA, a lasting power of attorney for their loved ones. You need one of these before they lose capacity or whilst they're still of sound mind to know what they're signing. And whilst you're doing it for your parents, get one done for yourself. It doesn't mean anything. See, I don't

SPEAKER_02: 33:09

know if we've got one for my dad.

SPEAKER_00: 33:10

Yeah, you need a lasting power of attorney. then no one else can make a decision no one else can you know look after their bank accounts their money you you just sign it so you're safe and then you can do it for your health and well-being so no one else can decide for you what's best for you it's your family so everyone should have that that's the most important thing 50 of the population don't have a will uh just get it you know get a will get one done it doesn't have to cost a lot of money but you want want your wishes you you want people to know your your wishes and so write it down have it in a folder but it's it's in stages it's like yeah you have the conversation but you don't want to pile all this in and now here's the death book feel that you know it's we do it in stages and it's it's gently done but it's it's just starting the conversation or get your insurance policies get them in there so we know what you've got your bank details we know passwords to stuff you know we know and as it gets further along you can have contact names of people

SPEAKER_02: 34:14

It's silly things like premium bonds and weird and wonderful things that they've taken out over time and, and, and savings accounts that might only have like 50 pounds still in them, but it's like having, I didn't even know they

SPEAKER_00: 34:29

had that. Exactly. You're driving license. You're, if you, you know, all the stuff, all your utilities. I mean, there are services now that you can just, if someone's gone, you can just, and then they blank, you just contact one, one, And they

SPEAKER_02: 34:45

let you know who to

SPEAKER_00: 34:46

provide. They just cancel everything for you. But it's having all of that in one place, birth certificate, just start building it slowly and gently. And it's a good thing. And if you're building it for yourself at the same time, it's just... It's not so scary and it's taking all the fear out of what's inevitable. And it's not about death. It's about life. So, you know, making it.

SPEAKER_02: 35:11

But that was that's the whole joyous reason why I'm so thrilled that you've joined me for this episode today, because it is a double whammy. You're giving such great advice for, say, the point that a lot of us are. entering or are at or have been there and wished it could have been more straightforward but also I'm really thinking the timing is just so encompasses how I'm feeling now mid 50s or into the second half of my 50s now yeah I want to make my next 10, 20, 30, 40 years as powerful as empowering as possible so by being organized and taking control of and helping my son future daughter-in-law etc my grandkids yeah yeah i don't i don't want i when i do kick the bucket i don't want them thinking oh my god now what yeah opening another drawer and thinking what yeah I mean, I

SPEAKER_00: 36:18

do

SPEAKER_02: 36:18

that now. What

SPEAKER_00: 36:19

is that? Exactly, yeah. Why have they kept this receipt from 1989? What is that? And it's,

SPEAKER_02: 36:26

so that leads into your third point. And I say, start clearing out. But as you said, it is a difference between decluttering and sorting, isn't

SPEAKER_00: 36:39

it? Yeah, it definitely is. And also I think, you know, there's enough programmes on TV about decluttering that I think there is a, there's something going on in the brain. And so if you just start, it makes it easier. So what we say, and I'm certainly not the expert, we have someone on the platform who helps with this, but just start with something that's not necessarily emotional. So start with something, the messy kitchen drawer that you can clear out. It doesn't even have to be messy, but clear out And then you sort of start the ball rolling with, oh, that was quite nice. Look at that nice draw. It's nice and tidy. And you're just on a bit of a chucking out session or a, oh, you know, someone says off to university next year. Maybe I can put that. But then they can use that cut and reset. I

SPEAKER_02: 37:28

do like the idea, and you mentioned it earlier, when people come to visit, like, oh, take this with you. But it is the idea of repurposing because in this wonderful array of stuff that we've gathered, rather than just junking it, other people might actually want to use it, to give it a home. But while we're still here, to enjoy them using

SPEAKER_00: 37:53

it. Yeah, exactly. It's exactly that. And you get pleasure out of doing that, thinking, well, someone's using it. And I mean, if you give it to someone and they take it away and chuck it, you don't see that or your parents don't see that. So that means you don't have to think, oh, that's gone to the bin. And, you know, I've had that for 50 years or whatever. It doesn't matter because it's in your head, you've given it to someone. So it might not be quite as painful. So, yeah, it's... Far more delicate than just decluttering where you can be quite strict on not used it, bin it or sell it. There's a lot more to it than that. And we have people, yeah, from everywhere helping all different occupations and all different experts and specialities to help with everything involved in getting older and caring as well. and the platform the one thing

SPEAKER_02: 38:54

I'd like to say yeah I'd like to say a heartfelt thank you because I think you're creating something rather beautiful and I'm all about having the conversations as is midlife unlimited and by encouraging people to talk about death yes to talk about aging to talk about stuff information sorry I spoke over you just now but I just wanted to say yeah And we're going to give your contact details in a minute.

SPEAKER_00: 39:22

Oh, thank you. I was going to say that what I'm not building and what I'm desperately, I don't want is I don't want it to feel old because I'm building what I want. You know, I don't want the saga brochure saying, you know, with old people on Zimmer frames, I want, I'm still, you know, I'm still young and our parents, they're getting older and, And remember, we have to deal with the grief of our parents getting older and knowing, you know, so we're all dealing with emotions going here. Our parents have to deal with the fact that, you know, they are getting older and, you know, the end is getting closer. And we have to deal with accepting that, you know, this is the natural progression of life, circle of life. But so we're all dealing with different emotions. But I don't want anything... sad and old i want it to feel i mean it's not a sexy subject so i'm not saying i want i want a sexy um website but it's i want it modern i want it clear i want it practical what we want what we look what we like looking at you know aesthetically it's yeah that's me that's that's what i want to to look at and then you know rather than just old people in a care home No,

SPEAKER_02: 40:47

I love that. It's the energy, isn't it? It's encompassing the energy because as you said at the very beginning, this is all about empowerment and positivity and putting a, I won't say spin, shining a positive light on something that can be bloody difficult.

SPEAKER_00: 41:04

Yeah. Yeah. And it's a support system as well. It's community. You know, we know for everyone, you know, loneliness is the biggest killer. And, um, It's about community. It's about helping each other. It's about looking after old people, thinking differently. They're not a burden. It's a privilege. And also looking at it because it changes when you're knackered and when you've been doing everything, you just resent it. Whereas we want you to feel privileged to be able to care. for someone you love. We want you to have that feeling rather than the complete burnout that, you know, this

SPEAKER_02: 41:40

is awful. Because that's when you start resenting them and it's like, oh, I really haven't got time to even go and see them now because I've spent all day running around trying to do this, trying to do that. Yeah, exactly. I'm really excited for you, for us, and I look forward to seeing it grow.

SPEAKER_00: 41:56

Thank you. Thank you. And the other thing was the bit about us, so not just talking about our parents, but the bit about us is... 43% of new businesses are founded by people 50 plus. So, you know, this is our time. This is, you know, and we have people on the platform who can help you, help you make that pivot. There are amazing organizations out there doing things for, and obviously mainly women, but it's not, you know, dead organized is for men too, because it's, you know, they have parents and elderly loved ones too. And it's encouraging that because it does 90% of the time come down to the female of the family, but that's just because of what, you know, how it's progressed that way. But so it's for everyone, but it's not excluding men at all, obviously.

SPEAKER_02: 42:49

Well, we will be giving all the contact details in a minute, but before we do, You cannot escape the three questions. You know what's coming. The three questions that I ask each of my fabulous female guests. Yes. So we're going to start off and we mentioned music earlier on. And I'd like to hear the story behind it as well. Again, not in a morbid way, but in an empowering way. What is your midlife anthem? Okay,

SPEAKER_00: 43:17

so I... I don't know. I have heard other people, Kate, say that they've had two. So I thought, OK, other people have done it. You can have

SPEAKER_02: 43:25

two. No, there are no rules. If there was a rule book, we'd have ripped it up

SPEAKER_00: 43:31

anyway. Brilliant. Brilliant. So the first one, very relevant to Midlife Women for this podcast. And I don't even know the story behind where I where I came across it. So it's not got a good story, which is why I chose another one with a story, but it's, it's called the breakup song and by Francesca Battistelli. I don't know if you've heard it.

SPEAKER_02: 43:57

I think I know it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 43:58

The, the lyrics, I just think are very relevant. And, and when I play it, I play it loud and I, I need to kick up the bum and it's, you know, the chorus is fear. You don't own me. There ain't no room in this story. I ain't got time for you telling me what I am um and it it goes on but it's uh yes when you've when you're having those wobbles and you know wondering you know about anything

SPEAKER_02: 44:29

where to go

SPEAKER_00: 44:29

where to go what to do if you are in struggling with you know with exactly this then just play it loud and you'll get some energy and get on with it. So I think it's- I am

SPEAKER_02: 44:41

definitely

SPEAKER_00: 44:42

putting this

SPEAKER_02: 44:42

playlist together. I definitely am. Yeah, it's a good one. And your second one then?

SPEAKER_00: 44:47

Well, the second one has a story. The second one is quite random, but it's John Denver, Annie's song. And it's such a beautiful song. In fact, when I was thinking about, you know, the song with the story and I, so I played it and yeah, I, I was crying again with this story. The story behind it is a very lovely friend of mine called Lara, who sadly died, oh gosh, I think it's 10 years ago now. She's a school friend. So I was at school with her and about, oh, what would it be? Yeah, 20 odd years ago now, she had a little boy, she had a baby who died. He was born, born sleeping. And so she phoned me one day and she was living in France and she said, I just had these lyrics come into my head and I don't know what it's from. And I think it's a song. And tell me, is it a school song? Was it a hymn? And she said the lyrics, you fill up my senses like a night in the forest. And And she said, where's that from? And she said, I was thinking about Henry and these words came to me. So tell me what it is. And I said, I don't think it's a school song. I think it's a John Denver song. And so we had a bit of a laugh about, well, how do you know a John Denver song? And she was like, why does a John Denver song come into my head? So I went to the next day, it was Saturday, and I went to... uh hmv in richmond high street and i said i'd find out so bearing in mind this was over 20 years ago this happened um and i went into hmv on a busy saturday and i um i said to the guy i got the john denver cd and i pointed to annie i said does this song have the lyrics you fill up my senses and he was yeah he didn't he said i don't know he said but you can um you can hear it you can listen to it And so I was standing in HMV. It was really, really busy. And then you put the headphones on and obviously noise cancelling. And then I had this, you know, playing it loud, this beautiful song playing in my ears and knowing that she was thinking about Henry when she heard these lyrics and this beautiful song. And so... and I'd said to the guy I'm looking for this specific song and I think it's this one but I'm not sure and he said alright listen to it so I put the headphones on and I was listening to this beautiful song and I just started crying and so he came up to me and obviously with exaggerated lips he just said to me oh is it the wrong song and he thought He thought I was crying because it was the wrong song. And so I was like, no, it's the right song. And then when I told Lara and, you know, she sent me a little card saying, thank you for this. Thank you for that. Thank you for crying in HMV for me. And so it was a lovely little story behind the song and

SPEAKER_02: 47:51

beautiful memory.

SPEAKER_00: 47:52

I always think of her. So that's my song with the story. Oh,

SPEAKER_02: 47:59

I love that. I love that. Yeah. So now we're, I'm about the power of words as well. Your midlife mantra. I'm intrigued to know what that is. And you can have more than one. I'm still trying to figure out what the plural is. Mantras, I think, I'm going for.

SPEAKER_00: 48:17

Well, I think a good one is if you've always... if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. And I think that's a good one for dead organized. Yes. Yes. And for life, really. And for us, you know, let's do something different and see if we can change things up a bit. So I thought that was a good one. But because I'm from a– my background is hospitality and restaurants– There's a guy in hospitality called Danny Meyer, who's written a lot of books about customer service, restaurant service, and he's a bit of a hero in the industry. And he would always talk about service, the difference between customer service and hospitality. And he would say that customer service is the technical delivery of the product, or service. And hospitality is how we make the recipient feel. And that is what I want Dead Organized to be all about. And then there was a... an American civil rights activist called Maya Angelou, and she said on the same lines, people will always forget what you said, they'll forget what you did, but they'll never forget how you made them feel. And I think if we remember that when we're caring, when we're, you know, It's how we make people feel. And that's what I want Dead Organised to be. I want people to feel supported and the community. And then because I am coming at it from the hospitality angle.

SPEAKER_02: 50:04

I love that. I love that. It's like, no, it's that hug when we need it. It's that voice of calm when everything is like, what the heck's going

SPEAKER_00: 50:15

on? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Make people feel good. Make them, yeah. And

SPEAKER_02: 50:21

heard.

SPEAKER_00: 50:21

And heard. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 50:26

So the final question before we get on and people are going to go, Kate, just tell us how we can get in touch with her. Your final question is, what is the title of your autobiography?

SPEAKER_00: 50:36

Oh, yeah. This is a weird one. I do waffle on a bit, don't I? No. So this I thought of many, many years ago. And I always thought, I don't know how relevant it is, but basically, don't sweat the small stuff was always what I thought. You know, you don't get to 57 and not have life experience and not have stuff happen to you. And then you realize, you know, what's important to worry about and what's not. But it's not a very exciting title, but yeah. many years ago when my kids were young and I became a single mum when my kids were um seven five and two and um uh we had um it was it was a really really tough time and um there was one particular day and my son and we we'd all had a bit of a meltdown it was just one of those ah you know things things have really reached ahead. And, you know, there were lots of tears and lots of goings on and we sort of calmed it all down. And everyone was just kind of, you know, calming down, decompressing. And then all of a sudden this little voice came from the kitchen and said, oh, mum, can I have some of this spongy roll? And it was like, what? And my daughter, his younger sister, just went, sponge. And then this little voice was going, no, it says spongy. No, that's how you spell sponge. And we just all cracked up and we just all, and he was going, wow, is that how you spell sponge? Wow. And so, and exactly, we just all started laughing and it broke the ice and we just, you know, it was like, okay, this is what life's all about. My son's just called Sponge Roll, Spongy Roll. And it just, and I just thought that that'll be the title of my autobiography Don't sweat the spongy roll. Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_02: 52:54

And you say it ties in both with your current adventure and your background in hospitality as well. Yes. Yeah,

SPEAKER_00: 53:03

exactly. I don't know how you spell spongy, though. Otherwise, people would just say sponge. Spongy.

SPEAKER_02: 53:11

S-P-U-N-G-E-E.

SPEAKER_00: 53:15

Yeah, maybe G-E-E. Spongy. Yeah, maybe.

SPEAKER_02: 53:21

Oh, right. This is the moment that a lot of people would have been waiting for me to get to. How can listeners contact you? Now, obviously, your details are going to be in or are in the show notes for our episode. And you've got your guest profile on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website. But talk us through how listeners can get in touch.

SPEAKER_00: 53:42

Well, hopefully, fingers crossed, the website will be operating properly. I think there's something up there now, but it's not what it's going to be. So by the time this goes out, maybe it'll be up there, fingers crossed. It is dead-organized.com, a website. There is also a Facebook group, Dead Organized. And there is Instagram at dead underscore organized. And then everyone's telling me I need to get on to TikTok to... because that's the biggest biggest rise in 50 plus people are on TikTok so if they're on there they can get some tips

SPEAKER_02: 54:30

it's on my list as well

SPEAKER_00: 54:32

yeah we

SPEAKER_02: 54:33

can explore TikTok

SPEAKER_00: 54:34

together absolutely

SPEAKER_02: 54:35

oh that's brilliant and I say as you extend your links I will extend and add them to the show notes and to your guest profile on the website thank you so Well, thank you. And listeners, I would love your feedback on today's episode. So it'd be fabulous if you could leave a review and you can email me or text me via the link in the show notes and come and join the Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook group. Again, link in the show notes where you'll find the website link to with details of my exclusive VIP Midlife Metamorphosis coaching offers. So thank you for joining me today, Louise. It's been brilliant. It's such a Such an empowering and informative episode and talking about things in an upbeat way, I think. Yeah. So thank you for listening. Yeah. Thank you for listening too. And I look forward to you tuning in next week. Don't forget Midlife Unlimited has a new episode every Thursday available wherever you listen to your podcasts. So here's to being fabulous and flourishing together. And Living Midlife Unlimited. Thank you, Louise. Thanks so much, Kate. Bye.