Episode #049 How to Practice Living Midlife Your Way with Guest Nina de Sausmarez

Fake it ‘til you make it…. sounds great in theory. But putting it into practice can leave us feeling icky. Overwhelmed. And it can raise up even more self-doubt and fear of judgement. Feeling like we are not enough. And those “can’ts” keep on coming, as we make even more excuses to ourselves.

But there is a way to unleash the woman we deserve to be that aligns with our values - the true us – and reflects our self-worth.

If this resonates, take some vital Me Time and join your host Kate Porter The Midlife Metamorphosis Coach® and her guest women’s confidence coach Nina de Sausmarez as they talk about How to Practice Living Midlife Your Way.

Kate and Nina are living proof of the power of midlife metamorphosis. And in this episode the pair discuss how self-discovery, self-acceptance and self-belief are vital on our journey to self-love – with practice making perfectly imperfect.

Nina shares her transformation story from growing up believing she wasn’t good enough, wearing it as a badge of honour as the blame game reared its head, through years of playing the victim to her eureka moment aged 46 when she started taking radical responsibility  for her journey and wellbeing.

This episode also includes Kate and Nina’s celebration of midlife cheerleading, and top tips and insights for how to start living and loving our Second Spring our way.

Connect with Nina

https://ninadesausmarez.com/links

https://www.facebook.com/nina.walsh.92

https://www.instagram.com/ninadesausmarez/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/shinewithnina234/

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

Welcome to Midlife Unlimited, the podcast for Gen X up women who want more. I'm your host, Kate Porter, the Midlife Metamorphosis Coach, and I know what it feels like to be stuck navigating the midlife maze. I've looked in the mirror and thought, who is that woman? So Midlife Unlimited is here to let you know you are not alone. You don't have to put on a brave face and put up with it. You don't have to play it safe. Midlife Unlimited is all about ripping off that mask and telling midlife like it really is. Nothing is off limits because together there's no limit to what we can achieve. So... Welcome to today's episode. Now the phrase, fake it till you make it, sounds great in theory, doesn't it? But putting it into practice can leave us feeling icky, overwhelmed, and raise up even more self-doubt and fear of judgment, that feeling we are not enough, as those can'ts keep on coming, and we make even more excuses to ourselves. But there is a way to unleash the woman we deserve to be, that aligns with our values, with the true us and reflects our self-worth. So if you want to find out more, then this is the episode for you, because I'm delighted to be joined by my guest today, Nina de Someres, Women's Confidence Coach, to talk about how to practice living midlife your way. So welcome, Nina. It's fabulous to have you here. Thank you for having me. I am

SPEAKER_01: 1:48

very delighted and, oh my goodness, we are going to have the most incredible conversation. I

SPEAKER_00: 1:55

think this is going to be quite an unforgettable conversation because I know not all, but I know some of what's coming up. But let's start by saying we are both living proof of the power of midlife metamorphosis, haven't we? And our ability to change, even if we think we can't. Oh my goodness, 100%.

SPEAKER_01: 2:15

I mean, I changed I think the the change where I can really kind of look back on my life and think wow I can totally see a shift in who I was being in my identity it didn't happen until I was 46 I'm 52 now I'm nearly 53 so I think there's this kind of like idea that it kind of like always just happens over time and yes it does but there was this moment when I was 46 where I really had my kind of like enough is enough I can't be this version of me anymore more I can't pretend that I'm not good enough I can't stop being this vibrant person that just wants to go out there and show the world who I am because I think for most women Kate we really suppress a lot of ourselves because we're trying to be a version of ourselves that is palatable for others or

SPEAKER_00: 3:06

we dilute ourselves don't we yeah absolutely we're like we're like an orange squash we really are and we do it we do it without even we do it so often that But we don't even realise we're doing it sometimes. No, I'm just, there are going to be so many golden nuggets. I think, I know this episode, there are going to be so many women and men, because we do get men listening too. Hello. They're going to be thinking, blinking heck. I'm so glad Nina's saying that because I've been thinking it was just me. But before we delve into your story more and later on, we will be sharing our top tips and lessons learned for practising midlife. our way your way the way that is no rules do it do what feels right i'd like to pick up again the whole idea of faking it till you make it because it's a bit of a bugbear of yours isn't it that whole phrase faking it

SPEAKER_01: 4:02

i think that when you you know the idea of fake it till you make it i kind of for me that really feels kind of very shoulder pads 1980s just kind of like showing up alexis coming in like but inside actually you know you're really really crumbling and I think you know we're talking a lot today about identity you know we're talking a lot about like who am I what am I what do I like what don't I like just you know the whole idea of am I ever going to really find myself and I think when you're when you get stuck in this idea of or this narrative of fake it till you make it you don't you don't feel like you're really being authentically you what you're doing is basically you're presenting a version of yourself to the outside world that you don't even really believe yourself and so the idea of it is just keep being that person keep pretending until maybe something out there accepts you as that person while on the inside maybe you're thinking well that's that doesn't feel right to me that doesn't feel like um the version of me that i want to be but i'm doing it because of them i'm doing it because of that i'm doing it maybe because of a relationship or a job or because it's what my parents expected of me so i really think when it comes to faking it till you make it i'd rather talk about believing it till you be it

SPEAKER_00: 5:18

so believe it

SPEAKER_01: 5:20

yeah yeah so believe it till you be it so you know for me we talk about I talk about confidence a lot it's it's what I'm about and it's about um who do I believe myself to be on the inside let me do the work there let me look at me my fears my doubts my values my strengths what you know triggers me um who I desire to be what I go to bed dreaming about let me work on that before I go out there and try and get that job, find that relationship, because I think when we're going out there and looking for the external validation to fake it, to tell us who we are, that's when we feel like, you know, oh my God, I'm actually living a life that's completely misaligned with who I am. Like, how did I even get here? How have I been doing this job for 40 years? How have I been in this relationship? Oh, because I've been faking it. When actually probably on the inside, I didn't believe I was worthy. I And maybe I thought I was meant for more, but I just stopped myself. So believe it till you be it really sits better with me rather than fake it. Cause I think when we're faking it, we're being a version of ourselves that we are pretending. And I think we need to stop particularly as women pretending this pretense that we've got it all together that, you know, like, exactly. It is exhausting. And I, I, when I speak to a lot of women, coach a lot of women, my friends, the number one thing everybody says, I'm really tired and I don't know why. And I think we think, well, is it because I'm sleeping well enough? What am I eating? Am I exercising? We look at all the obvious things. Actually, when you are not in great relationship with self, when you are faking it, when you are putting on a pretense to the outside world, that will drain your battery. It will drain your essence. And there will be this really negative, heavy tiredness because every day you've got to get up and put your game face on. I mean, I'm not sure about you, Kate, but I very much learned from my mum that it was all about the game face. It didn't matter what was going on. I got up every day. I put my face on. I

SPEAKER_00: 7:35

get that a lot. Obviously, I love red lipstick, but I wear it for me. But it is I think red lipstick has got very much that stereotypical. Oh, look at her. She's put her war paint on, she's ready to go into battle, which already makes it feel like what you're doing, everything's against you. It's hard work. It's an effort. You're having to push, push, push, push, push, rather than it being aligning with your why. I mean, I talk a lot about your why, but that underpins everything you were just saying. If what we're doing is A, based on those blinking shoulds, the expectations of other people that we're trying to mould ourselves, like a piece of not just plasticine, if you remember the old days when the kids and if you've got kids out there when they used to have a lovely pristine pack of plasticine but by the end of the day the blue and the pink and the yellow would all have been like messed together and all you ended up with this kind of looked a bit like a poo i know it's like mum mum it's it's it's not it's not right now that's how we can feel we're like all these little hopes and dreams and thoughts have all been mushed together and being molded by something we think it's not even us we're not even oh I'm excited that we're going to be delving a bit deeper in a while into our top tips imparting on it's not us preaching we just we've been through this listeners and we are just saying look this is what worked for us these are insights these are ideas that you can start using we'll be saying how you can get in contact with us as well if you want to talk more but what I'd like to talk more about because this is a story that I've I am so excited to be sharing because I'm not laughing I'm not laughing I just love your honesty because I'm all about telling it like it is ripping off that plaster that mask so come on Nina grab a coffee listeners this is a good one can we share your metamorphosis journey because I think it's fair to say that you grew up we've talked about enough you grew up with the feeling that you just weren't good enough

SPEAKER_01: 9:43

didn't you yeah and it was you're so right Kate in saying that it was a feeling it's not that you're consciously aware but what I think I've really learned looking back looking back at my journey and I'm going to share it more now and I'm sure so many people listening will relate was there was just this constant feeling in my body that I had to prove myself worthy of other people's love and it was just it was kind of like I just never felt safe I was always always running and from you know I had probably a story that will resonate with so many people here you know my parents split up when I was little I don't really have a great memory of my childhood it wasn't it was happy but not happy you know I think sometimes when we think about childhoods it's either really obviously traumatic or it's not you know it's either really sort of like really rosy I was loved I was cared for but my emotional needs weren't met in a healthy way because my mum you know wasn't able to do that based on what happened in her life so I decided and I know this now from a very very early age that my dad leaving my mum not being able to emotionally care for me meant that I wasn't lovable and of course when we think we're not lovable what we're really saying is I'm not worthy I'm not good enough and so obviously consciously we we aren't making that conscious decision I think you know you don't know you've chosen that about yourself but what I did was I looked for the evidence ah my dad's gone my mum can't really cuddle me and love me and tell me all the things that I can see other people's mums doing well that two and two makes four of course that means it's there's something wrong with me so we look outside ourselves and decide ah it was all about me I'm the common

SPEAKER_00: 11:37

denominator your brain seeks out the evidence and it finds right yeah this is the proof I need and it's your proof it doesn't matter if to anyone else it makes sense it makes it's making sense to you in your world in your interpretation of it and so that is how and it becomes a foundation of your limiting belief it because it becomes the foundation of everything I mean you've used the phrase when we were chatting before you wore it like a badge of honor and I could I could just pitch you immediately with this like sheriff's badge of I am not enough and it's just I'm a very visual person but I think anyone listening would be like yeah I can pitch that

SPEAKER_01: 12:15

yeah it's a label you know I labeled it I stuck it on like the biggest sticky note and it gave me an identity it gave me ah okay so this is who I am so this is how I'm supposed to behave in every situation that I'm in and of course when I'm in my not enoughness it's incredibly familiar and it feels incredibly safe to be not good enough and so I went about my life gathering evidence mainly from people mainly from men actually that I wasn't good enough you know I gathered I gathered lots and lots and

SPEAKER_00: 12:50

lots oh I've done that yes it's quite easy to get that evidence isn't it yes but before that when you go

SPEAKER_01: 12:55

on repeat exactly before that I you know I gathered evidence at school that I wasn't good enough you know I just didn't try but I made me not trying mean that I was stupid and so that felt great for me and I and I left school um I remember I was 16 I just had enough none of it made sense I was just so, I wanted to get out there in the world. Like we've spoken about this before, like a bit like Dick Whittington. I'm off to find my, you know, like, well, there I am with my little rucksack on my back. And at 16, I just, I got up out of my GCSEs and I just thought, F this. I'm going to go out and, you know, find my place in the world. And back in those days, Kate, you could, right? You didn't have to stay in further education. But of course, in my back, in my little imaginary rucksack was a whole load of bricks. that I was taking with me about well basically nobody likes me I'm not lovable I'm not going to be good enough at anything anyway so let's go and create an amazing life carrying all of that around with me and so off I went and met a man in a nightclub I was 16 he was about 20 I was lying I told him I was a lot older and I just said to my mum that's it I'm going and I left home I left home at 16 years of age with no job no money no mobile phones because we didn't have them in those days and I just went out there in the world and thought right let's see what is going to happen but interestingly in all of that there was this real sense of I'm going to survive because I think when you've had quite a difficult upbringing and you've got through a lot of stuff you have a very very high level of resilience when you've been through lots of difficult times emotionally as a child your resilience, knowing that you're going to survive is very strong. You know how to fight and you know how to survive. And so that was kind of where it all started really. And basically the rest of it is quite a shit show. You know, I just survived and it wasn't pretty. It wasn't pretty at all.

SPEAKER_00: 15:04

And one interesting thing that I'd like to pick up early, early in the story, because I don't think it was anything to do with your mum necessarily. And we're not, we're not out to diss your mum here at all, but you said something, and that was really interesting. You didn't like women. You almost didn't trust women when you were younger. It's only now. And I totally get this because it's again, it's not necessarily that I didn't like the close connections, the connections now that I've discovered in midlife and the whole power of cheerleading. And what I love most is that whole thing of I don't actually now care if Janet is doing so much better. And listeners, I'm using the old quote marks because what is better anyway better than me if she's having a hundred million pound month or whatever social media headline is going on I am actually joyously happy for her because she's in my world and I'm not necessarily feeding off her success and happiness but it's all about being there for each other throughout this wonderful journey that is midlife and hopefully moving forward and I think you feel that as well in terms of consuming that are cropping up and obviously as well, letting go of some of the old toxic. And when we mean toxic, we don't just mean, don't mean horrible people, but just toxicity, put my teeth in, in terms of draining you again, like we were saying, not lifting you up, not empowering you. If it ain't doing anything for you, it's like wearing a bad pair of shoes that they look nice maybe, but they hurt your toes. Yeah. don't wear them

SPEAKER_01: 16:47

yeah I think when you know my mum was amazing my mum's not with us anymore she was she was an amazing amazing woman however I thought in no way was I yeah

SPEAKER_00: 16:55

no yeah no

SPEAKER_01: 16:56

not at all you know and you you learn very much from your environment don't you as you're growing up and so I learned that um like you said there women were not to be trusted and you know like keep your friends close but your enemies closer kind of thing and so I just didn't like women. I don't think I understood why, but I'd learned from what I had seen growing up that women were always going to come and try to take something away from you, that they were fiercely jealous and that even if they were being nice to you, there was an underlying thread that that niceness was fake. And really what they were trying to do was kind of like hoodwink you so that they could kind of Like I've got like bowling balls, the picture of bowling balls in my head, you know, like chuck the ball at your legs and you would go. And so again.

SPEAKER_00: 17:53

Just wait to trip you up. Yeah. Catch you out. I

SPEAKER_01: 17:56

had lots of men that were friends and I felt very comfortable and safe around men. But in terms of women, when I saw other groups of women together, I felt really quite like they all hate each other, really. I just couldn't allow myself to think. that women could be supportive of other women and again I think that's something that we learn through the patriarchy we're really set up not to champion each other it wasn't just from my experience growing up with my own mother I think that society is set up for us to be against each other because when women are together we're so flipping powerful Kate we get to really make big big impact right and again that's not something that is seen as a great thing to do we want to be held small we want to be pushed down it's much easier yeah

SPEAKER_00: 18:50

i mean that's that's one of the reasons i launched midlife unlimited because we don't have the conversations we keep quiet we hold things back and i think now is the time when we're old enough and ugly enough to say no let's actually have the let's talk about it let's put it out there because and i don't know if it's fearful i think a lot of it is we just think no one's going to be blinking interested because yeah we're just like what why would anyone want to listen to what we've got to say that whole like as you say diluting ourselves um i would just like to knit back a bit if i can to the whole idea of victim and wearing it the not good enough as a badge of honor because i i know from when we were chatting you said it got to the point where you were like well if i don't play this role if i don't take on this um persona who who am i and how will i be and will anyone want to help me, support me, be with me does that ring true? Does that sum up how you felt?

SPEAKER_01: 19:53

Absolutely and like I shared with you before, being not good enough became who I was. You know, I had attached myself to it and it served me really, really well. And I think this is the thing. We don't really understand that when we are in that kind of like, I'll call it victim sort of like mentality, which is where I pretty much was until I was around 46 and really had my kind of like, what the fuck moment. Um, it got me what I wanted it got me attention you know when when there was something wrong when I could be a bit down and out a bit why is life happening this way to me why is everybody else doing really well and I'm not when I could be in that version of me people would call me and ask me if I was all right it validated why I was stuck it validated why I wasn't being a teacher why I was keeping myself being a teaching assistant why I was in a beauty salon just being a therapist but not

SPEAKER_00: 20:58

going for the managerial role.

SPEAKER_01: 21:00

Didn't you have a recording contract that you managed to self-sabotage? Yeah, the best. I'd wanted to be a singer my whole life and I was bloody good at it and cut a long story short, people had told me that I was a show-off when I was at school so I held all that down and then finally in my 30s I got a record deal and you know I felt so excited, I felt so elated. This was everything that that I'd been dreaming about from being a little kid. You were enough now. I was enough. Finally, I got to show the world. This is me. Listen to my voice. And I was so afraid of rejection and being found out that I was rubbish. that I just sabotaged it. I didn't want it to happen. It didn't feel good. And I was a young mum at the time. I had two very young kids. So there was all of that going on as well. But I know I did not throw myself into it and fight for myself to get that recording. You know, I got signed for an album with Universal and I didn't like how I looked. I was feeling incredibly insecure. All of a sudden, it just felt completely wrong. And of course it meant that I had to really show up and really really shine so really that fake it till you make it I'd wanted to be this version of me I finally got given it there it was in my lap but my identity and who I really felt like I was it just didn't match up with this kind of like outwardly singing shining pop star I've got like air quotes there in my hands and so I didn't actually like call them up and say by the way I don't want this contract but I just know my energy wasn't right it wasn't there and so subsequently over a couple of months it started I started recording other songs I had photo shoots things were happening and then I got a phone call one day saying we're really sorry we're not going to take this any further and then it was all over really Kate before it begun and I was so upset that's the interesting thing when things aren't working out in the way that you think you want them it wasn't aligned with what I really felt like I was on the inside so them dropping me out and sort of sacking it all off actually was very much aligned with who I thought I was so I was you know like go a bit woo woo the universe is always listening so it's always listening to what it is you're saying on the inside or asking for on the outside but you've got to believe it before you be it and I wasn't believing it even though I wanted it I didn't allow myself because that victim version of me just couldn't let me be happy if your happiness no one's going to pay attention you've got to stay

SPEAKER_00: 23:46

unhappy and on was there almost because I've been there was there almost that sense of relief as well as oh thank god I don't have to do it now someone else has taken the pressure away that oh well it wasn't meant to be oh well rather than actually if I behaved in a different way this wouldn't be happening now but no oh that wasn't meant thank goodness thank goodness it happened now and not in a month time in two months time and you start you start putting it into context don't you it was that

SPEAKER_01: 24:20

I told you so moment yeah if I sabotage it and I actually don't believe that it that I'm deserving and worthy of it and I kind of keep on waiting for the shoe to drop like it's going to end before it's even though it was right there in front of me and I should have been shooting myself here but I could have been if I'd allowed myself to be elated excited trying Trusting that it was all going to work out, giving it my all, giving it my attention. But the version of me that had grown up in that real kind of down and out victim, nothing good ever happens to people like me. I'm not deserving. I'm not worthy. She created them calling me and saying, actually, it's not working. I got what it was. I had told myself I was deserving of. But then guess what? I got to be really, really self-righteous and go, told you so. And then I just could sit there going, I right I knew it wasn't going to happen we love to be right even if that actually is to our detriment because that feels safe it felt safe to me

SPEAKER_00: 25:25

yeah so I I want to know then you you've mentioned 46 what was the was it a eureka moment was it a gradual build-up was it an explosion of ah

SPEAKER_01: 25:38

what happened oh I think it was all of those I think it was all of those things um I had been in a job for nine years as a teaching assistant that I was really good at. See, here's the thing about this whole story. You're really good at keeping yourself small when you're in that victim mode. You play it like a fiddle and it becomes like, I'm really good at this, so I'm going to keep on doing it. So I was again in another job where I was fabulous at being a teaching assistant and always just holding myself back from going for being a teacher. And I told myself I was a going to do that job for a few years while my kids were at the school then they left and there I was still the job was great but I could do it with my eyes closed and I was wrestling with this internal version of me going you know you want more than this Nina and then this other version of me going no you don't no you don't you can't do it you're not good enough and then there was my higher self going yes you could you'd be amazing but you know there's that battle I think that so many people will resonate with with what I'm talking about and And then sadly, my mum passed away very, very sort of traumatically. It was all over time. And then I think when there is a big sort of like catastrophic moment in your life, it makes you really kind of, it shakes your own foundations. Whether that for you, you might be losing a parent or something to do with your health, whatever it is, you know, we've all been through those big, I call them life quakes. You know, that moment where you just, everything on the floor is shaky. And in that moment when my mum passed away, away all of my old wounds from my whole experience as the child came up and I just fell apart I really did and I just started drinking really really heavily I had been anyway in my life it wasn't serving me well and I knew that there was a bit of a problem going on but now it just started to escalate this month I'm six years so amazing that's that is amazing Kate you know celebrating that and so it happened that my husband pulled me to one side and said Nina I'm I think it's time for you to go and get some help. And that was literally like I could breathe again. I can even feel my body now as I'm talking to you, Kate, just sort of going, I just needed somebody else to tell me, even though I knew it on the inside. So I went to therapy and obviously started on this whole journey of, oh, my goodness, there is a whole other life outside of me that doesn't have to be helpless, hopeless, a victim, something wrong with me. And really, I got my act together. And I read a book called You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero. She's an amazing author, my brother had sent it to me seeing that I was in a really dark place. And you know, you hear this all the time, don't you like the book that changed my life? It really, really was. Because I'd never ever read, I'd never been in self help, self development, hadn't been to therapy, I didn't understand what relationship I had with myself, I didn't understand the way that I'd seen the world. Now I was learning about me. And I really, realised that I had a choice. And I realised that actually, I could become radically responsible for creating the life that I really deeply wanted, that wasn't this version of me that I'd learned to be. And that was really, really empowering, and incredibly scary. And it all happened at around age 46. Why that particularly was that age, I was approaching my 50s, I hadn't started going through the But it was this, right, OK, something's got to change. It's me first rather than it's the job. It's my relationship. It's anything outside of me. I realised it was me. It was me that had to change. And that's where it

SPEAKER_00: 29:27

all started. I love that. I love that. And I resonate so deeply. And I think it would be really fabulous now then if we kind of combine how you went about it with you sharing insights and top tips. And obviously, I say later on in the episode, we will be directing listeners who would like to get in touch with you, find out more how they can work with you, be inspired by you. So we'll come to that a bit later. But let's talk through the steps, the processes, what What has helped you? What would you like to share? what matters how do we do it

SPEAKER_01: 30:07

there are so many different ways that you can transform who you are being and the hardest part I think for me was accepting responsibility that was the first step it was accepting responsibility for myself and within that I had to stop blaming everybody and my past for the way that my life had turned out because blaming everything gave me a good reason to say well it's like this because of that and it wasn't it was around that kind of like point where I was like oh my god it's it's me I'm the common denominator so the first thing is taking responsibility

SPEAKER_00: 30:51

for who I am being I mean you hear the phrase sadly it's one of those phrases like authentic that everyone's using but taking back our power because by blaming we're giving we're giving our essence away and a prime example was it wasn't so much blame but when the record company took responsibility for the decision you could almost blame them then by saying oh well you know it was them they changed their mind rather than taking it back to well had you perhaps behaved in a different way or had you been more in tune with what was going on and isn't it blaming it makes us feel safe it makes us feel vindicated it makes us feel oh well it wasn't my fault I couldn't have I had nothing to do with that when in actual fact we did and if we didn't have if if it's not something that we control sorry that we can control let's stop trying to yeah

SPEAKER_01: 31:47

100 i had very much um sort of gathered evidence everywhere that the version of me the nina that i was was a whole culmination of everything that had happened before and i just I just couldn't let it go. And so it was a great get out clause. It just meant that I could be a complete idiot and just go, well, I'm like this because of that. But that doesn't serve you. It particularly doesn't serve you well, because it's just keeping you in a box. You know, it's literally just tucking you in, shutting the lid and saying, well, this is who I am.

SPEAKER_00: 32:26

This is who I am. I ain't gonna change now well ladies and gents we can I mean the phrase again growth mindset but I use metamorphosis mindset because everything we need is already inside us we don't actually need to be yes in terms of growth and learning and exploring but the desire that the passion is all in there we just need to give it a good slap about and wake it up and unleash it

SPEAKER_01: 32:59

yeah absolutely and that's scary for a really scary for me when I when I was at that point and um thinking about well I wonder if life could be different I wonder if I could wake up every day feeling happy instead of feeling really sad I wonder if I could look at other women and think wow I can't wait to be with them and they inspire me and excite me you know and we don't like change as human beings so like my my second tip is like embrace uncertainty because um in that you will allow yourself like that metamorphosis you will allow yourself to begin the process of change knowing that it doesn't matter if I can't see where I'm going it doesn't matter if I can't see who I'm going to be but what if I could be somebody different what if I could see my life in a whole new way what if I could be a version of me that I see in other people that I think wow I'd love to be like that but no I can't that's just who I am because you can you can change tomorrow if you want to but it's uncertain and And it's scary. And I think for so many people, that is why they stay stuck in the familiar, why they stay stuck in the victim. It certainly was for me. So I got to the point where I thought, right, I know that I am ready to change, but I also know it is going to be incredibly uncomfortable. And there might be a little bit of pain, short-term pain, but the long-term gain, what is it going to look like on the other side of me going through this difficult time? Because I've got the box with the lid on locking myself in this is who I am it was my past I'm this person because of that or am I going to get really freaking excited about I wonder who I'm going to become

SPEAKER_00: 34:48

that

SPEAKER_01: 34:48

was

SPEAKER_00: 34:49

like amazing for me I love that because I mean we've both talked before about the idea of well it's a bit weird it's very I'm not complaining about the autumnal sunshine but my image we're recording on Zoom And I'm looking more and more like I'm in some sort of a really dark space. So I'm sorry, Nina, if I sound slightly distracted, it's like I can't even see myself at learning. Anyway, back to what we were saying, chasing happiness. I mean, that is something that can be like, everyone else seems happy. And again, we can start thinking, well, I don't feel happy straight away. I still feel nervous sighted. I feel scared. I feel uncertain. Well, firstly, I've said it before. I'll say it again. Certainty, you only get with hindsight. So keep pushing, enjoy the uncertainty because it makes us curious, doesn't it? It makes us curious to try new things. And happiness isn't a constant. We can't, no one can be, don't believe it, no one can be constantly happy. That's the whole point. Happiness is one extreme.

SPEAKER_01: 35:53

Yeah, I think I used to look at people who were really happy and just think, yeah, they don't really feel like that. There's got to be something wrong with them actually inside. They're faking it. They're faking it. But my middle name, Kate, is Joy. My middle name is Joy. What's my grandmother's name? Nina Joy. And I was not being joyful. I wasn't allowing myself to. I was suppressing joy. So, you know, another tip was I started to allow myself to feel and cultivate joy. Well, what does that look like? Giving myself permission to be happy it's not complicated you know in a world where there are a lot of things that we can be looking at outside of ourselves right now that would keep us in a very distressed state it takes work to choose joy now I don't talk about joy like oh yeah you should be on a mountain side looking at a sunset you know it has to be like this awe and wonder like I talk a lot in my work about everyday joy like Like smelling your coffee, like holding your cup in your hands just for a few precious moments and thinking, oh, my goodness, this is so sumptuous. I cannot wait to drink it. For me, it's walking my dogs and just spending a moment listening to the trees. Sometimes I just stand there and shut my eyes. So it was, you know, it's not about the woohoo joy that we so often see on the Internet or we think that when we see happy people, they're just in this constant state of, you know, like, wow, life is joy. just play and experiences and everything is working out. It really was for me like, I've spent years, I just realized I'd spent years suppressing joy. And I really believe this to be true, Kate, joy is our natural state. Joy is our natural state. It's not even something that we have to cultivate. But for me, I will fight for it now. And I'll fight for it. And everybody that I know, like, keep bringing yourself back to filling up your life with as many things and noticing as many things that can make you feel joyful because it's so easy to get to the end of every day and only be thinking about the things that took joy away, the things that didn't work, the things that went wrong. But for me, I'm going to sit there and go, what was joyful about my day? Well, a lot of the time it's me. It's

SPEAKER_00: 38:27

who I'm being. It's that wonderful power of reframing and also ditching that guilt. as you say, by giving yourself permission to feel a certain way, to be a certain way, to be quiet, to be mindful, to take time out, to focus on something that lights you up, even if no one else might get it. You get it. You understand why it's important just for a few moments to just recalibrate, to recharge ourselves.

SPEAKER_01: 38:58

And the brain is, yeah, absolutely. And the brain is quite a wonderful thing What you focus on grows. So if it's something that you're not used to, like it wasn't for me, I just didn't know what it felt like to wake up every day and feel joyful. Because the first thing that I would do is I would seek out the familiar feelings of feeling unhappy. They were much easier for me to access than joy. So I talk a lot about this kind of work is a bit like going to a gym. It doesn't just happen. I think people might look at somebody like me and think, well, you're just naturally joyful well I work at it I take it very very seriously like I have to go out there and cultivate it and create it and I have to be intentional about it because believe me I am this joyful because I've come from a very very dark place and the darkness is still in me oh believe me she wants to rise you know she's 46 years she's 46 years in the making I'm

SPEAKER_00: 40:00

completely with you I'm completely with you yeah

SPEAKER_01: 40:02

I need 53 now so this isn't actually this is you know not that many years of me choosing something different so it's very easy for me to slip back even with all the tools and the skills that I've got to enter that negative mindset but now I can notice it very quickly and I've got the tools and the skills to get myself back out of it so choosing joy cultivating joy working on joy is like going to the gym it will feel unfamiliar you won't want to do it you won't want to pick up that weight but the more you do it the more regularly you do it the brain will keep seeking it out because it loves to seek out the familiar and that's that's the work baby as they say

SPEAKER_00: 40:42

that's the work oh i love that i love that and i say one of my favorite words choice choosing because that's what it's all about we have the choices it's about which choices we make

SPEAKER_01: 40:55

Yeah, and I think I didn't know that I had a choice to feel different. That to me was probably one of the biggest light bulbs. When I realised I could choose, I was like, you're joking, aren't you? Like, is it that uncomplicated that I just choose it? And if I chose it, what would I do next? You can't just choose it and then it happens, Kate. You've got to choose it and then you've got to get your bum off the floor and go out and do it. This stuff isn't just like, oh, yeah,

SPEAKER_00: 41:28

I wake up. I'm very well manifesting these things, but you actually have to do the work to get the thing. I

SPEAKER_01: 41:34

know. I know. You're

SPEAKER_00: 41:35

not just going to wake up one morning like Jack and the Beanstalk and it's outside there with a big bow around it.

SPEAKER_01: 41:40

And if I was joyful today, what clothes would I wear? If I was joyful today, what music would I listen to? If I was joyful today, who would I smile at? If I was joyful today, what would I eat? If I was joyful today, what message would I... Like, seriously, look at your life and think about Who would I be being? And what would I be doing? And grab that and start working on it. That's it. I love this stuff. I love choosing joy. And it is my daily practice. It really, really

SPEAKER_00: 42:10

is. Oh, that's wonderful. And that leads, I love a segue, it leads us wonderfully into more choices, which are the three questions that I ask each of my fabulous female guests. So Nina, you're not going to escape. We will be giving details when you've given me your answers about how people can connect with you. But first, your choices in this instance. Firstly, what is your midlife anthem? The song or piece of music? She's getting excited. I can see her. She's about to burst into song. Oh, yes. You're going to sing it for us. Your midlife anthem. Drum roll, please.

SPEAKER_01: 42:53

My midlife anthem. is Dancing Queen by ABBA oh yeah and I was obsessed with ABBA when I was a little girl and I wrote to a certain person who had a certain TV show and asked him if he could fix it for me to exactly to go and see them luckily he didn't because that could have been a you know you know yeah gosh a very very different story in my life but um Dancing Queen is a song that that no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, if it comes on, I just feel my heart wanting to explode. And it almost brings me to tears. There is something about moving my body and dancing. I've loved dancing my whole life. And I'm very well known for dancing. If you were to ask any of my friends or anyone's ever been in a room with me, when they see me dance, they're like, I want to be a dancer. around Nina because I'm I just let it go I just let it go

SPEAKER_00: 43:58

I can't wait for us to actually meet in the flesh because I always I'm first off I do that in my little intro I love leopard print my favourite word is fabulous and I'm always first on the dance floor me too take it or leave

SPEAKER_01: 44:10

it so for me even though it's quite cliche and you know Dancing Queen has been a tune that you know I think it's like Hindu central or wedding central but that's all great and the other day I was in Tesco's and it came on and I just I'm just like, I'm just walking around Tesco singing my heart out. And, you know, you're getting strangers to

SPEAKER_00: 44:30

look to. You are my kind of woman. You really are. But I

SPEAKER_01: 44:32

just can't help it. So for me, no matter where I am in my life, if I'm ever in a funk or I'm feeling elated and I want to go to the next level, I put that track on, Kate, and I come alive. And isn't that just what life's all about? Just feeling alive. That song just makes, just gives me life.

SPEAKER_00: 44:53

love it love it love it love it well now I'm expecting great things and inspiration from your midlife mantra because I I think it's just joy come in there somewhere

SPEAKER_01: 45:07

joy is is part of what I'm going to share with you but something that I always come back to that has supported me so much is your past was a lesson not a life sentence your past was a lesson, not a life sentence. Why that is related to joy is because when you are living your life as the past version of you, dragging around the past experiences, the labels, the not enoughness, what happened to you. And you know, I'm not at all saying that those aren't valid and important and they had a big impact on you as a person, but learn from them. Don't make them your prison sentence as a woman in midlife who is you know i'm knocking on 53 i'm so grateful to be here the only thing that stops me from experiencing joy is when i go back into the past and i drag it back up and i use it as a weapon as a weapon to stop my joy and again that is my responsibility and so your past is a lesson not a life sentence what happened happened, please don't keep dragging it around with you and having it impact this next beautiful adventure that you are about to have as a woman in midlife or a man and beyond. Your past doesn't serve any place in your present.

SPEAKER_00: 46:42

I'm completely with you. That's given me joy hearing you say that because it's all about moving forward, isn't it? Yes. Now, you may be already working on this, but third question listeners will be familiar with is what is the title of your autobiography now this could be one word it could be a little sentence and when's it out i

SPEAKER_01: 47:03

know watch this face the title of my autobiography is show off oh yeah and then underneath that would be how to live life on your bold badass terms So show off means so much to me. When I was a kid, I was called a show off because of the fact that I could sing, the fact that I could dance, the fact that I was vibrant, that I was smiley a lot of the time. And I squashed all of that down because I learned that as women, as young girls, as growing up into women, when we start to celebrate ourselves, it becomes a threat to other people. Oh, look at her. Oh, who does she think she is? I think I'm great. And I always have done. But yeah, I've learned that I'm not allowed to do that. So my book is called Show Off. And I haven't written it yet. But I loved that question because it really made me think, wow, how many other young girls, young women who were vibrant, charismatic, love to dance, love to sing, love to talk, learned how to just squash

SPEAKER_00: 48:20

that. completely like that completely like that and look at us now I know 53 56 and look at us showing off and rocking it

SPEAKER_01: 48:31

oh I know and I just want to encourage everyone out there to please show off show off more because what that does is it gives off the most fabulous energy for other people to be more of themselves and you're not showing off you're just being you let's celebrate

SPEAKER_00: 48:46

that and you're sharing you're sharing your brilliance your vibrancy and other people need it other people need to be shone on and it helps them sparkle so right we're going to do this how can the wonderful listeners contact you Nina so we can all sparkle together

SPEAKER_01: 49:06

well you can find me on all the socials I am on Facebook I am on LinkedIn and I am on Instagram you just need to search my name there is no other Nina DeSomeres I am the one and the only so you can find me on there. I mean, how fabulous that I married Mr. DeSommeres. There would have been a lot of Nina Walshes.

SPEAKER_00: 49:26

Can you please spell, apparently I pronounced it perfectly, which is wonderful because I've been practicing, but can you please spell it as well? Because obviously it's not spelt exactly how it sounds.

SPEAKER_01: 49:36

So Nina is the typical Nina, N-I-N-A, and then DeSommeres is D-E, then there is a space, and S-A-U-S-M-A-R-E-Z. What does it mean?

SPEAKER_00: 49:51

Of the something?

SPEAKER_01: 49:53

Of the sea. It's like, yeah, yeah, it is. It's about the sea. She's salty.

SPEAKER_00: 49:59

And can you give us your website? Obviously, all your details will be in the show notes and on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website. But what's your website again? It's NinaDeSommeres.com. Yeah, www.NinaDeSommeres.com. Keeping it nice and simple. We like simple. We like a big and I would love your feedback on today's episode listeners so it would be fabulous if you could leave a review via the link and you could email or text me as well via the link in the show notes and come and join the Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook group Nina's in there where we go behind the scenes we share tips and all sorts and also you'll find the website link with details of my exclusive VIP Midlife Metamorphosis coaching offers and for all you budding experts out there who want to transform from nervous podcast guest wannabe to the expert that podcast hosts want on their show head over to the school platform right now and join my new community pop your podcast cherry yes you did hear that right pop your podcast cherry so come and join me over there thank you for joining me Nina I knew it was going to be a joy I knew the word joy was going to feature and you've not disappointed You've exceeded my expectations. Thank you for listening, everyone. I look forward to you tuning in next week. Don't forget Midlife Unlimited has a new episode every Thursday available wherever you listen to your podcasts. So here's to being fabulous and flourishing together and living Midlife Unlimited. Thanks, Nina. Thank you, Kate.