Episode #057 How to Recognise Your Resilience with Guest Claire Best

Hats… how many do you wear?

And just when we’re getting used to wearing a certain hat, all too often something beyond our control kicks in, and it all changes.

The result can be that we find ourselves questioning these roles we’ve been juggling. We’re forced to reassess who we actually are.

If this resonates, then this episode is for you. I’m delighted to be joined by my Episode 57 guest Claire Best, marketing strategist and owner of Claire Best Marketing, to talk about How to Recognise Your Resilience.

In this beautifully open and honest episode, I’m honoured that Claire shares with me her story of how becoming a widow in her 40s meant she had to reassess her identity while navigating both her and her young son’s grief journey. 

And in our insightful and inspiring conversation, Claire shares the lessons she has learned along the way – including practical advice for how to keep on during even the darkest hours and days. 

 Connect with Claire

https://www.clairebestmarketing.com/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/clairebest/

Transcript

SPEAKER_02: 0:01

Welcome to Midlife Unlimited, the podcast for women who want more. I'm your host, Kate Porter, the Midlife Metamorphosis coach, and I know what it's like to feel stuck navigating the midlife maze. I've looked in the mirror and thought, who is that woman? So Midlife Unlimited is here to let you know you are not alone. You don't have to put on a brave face and put up with it. You don't have to play it safe. Midlife Unlimited is all about ripping off that mask and telling midlife how it really is. Nothing is off limits because together there's no limit to what we can achieve. So, welcome to today's episode. Now, hats. How many do you wear? And just when we're getting used to wearing a certain hat, all too often something beyond our control kicks in and it all changes. And the result can be that we find ourselves questioning those roles we've been juggling. We're forced to reassess who we actually are. Now, if this resonates, then this episode is just for you. Because I'm delighted to be joined by my guest today, Claire Best, marketing strategist and owner of Claire Best Marketing, to talk about how to recognize your resilience. So welcome, Claire. It's fabulous to have you here at last because you've been on my list since the very start of this. So I've managed to get you in just before the year anniversary. Yay.

SPEAKER_00: 1:41

Thank you so much for having me, Kate. Yes, I have been uh uh watching, listening to these podcasts from the very beginning, and we have yes, we've finally done it and we've done it. Yeah, very much looking forward to chatting to you today.

SPEAKER_01: 1:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 1:57

Well, first off, a big thank you for actually taking the time to chat with me today. Firstly, on my behalf and on behalf of all the Midlife Unlimited listeners, because you're sharing your story, it's a raw story, it may trigger some of the listeners, but I I think it's going to be empowering. Um, we're gonna go for it. As you said, you very kindly said nothing's off limits. Obviously, you're a very private person, so it's not something you talk about all the time, but I really do appreciate you opening up and chatting with me. Because you've tragically, I don't know if that's the right word, and I mean that in the real sense of it. You've been through hat changing firsthand, haven't you?

SPEAKER_01: 2:46

Yeah, I have. It's um, I guess, uh yeah, I I I I have many hats that I wear now, but yes, I've definitely been through some hat changing that uh was not something I wanted to change those hats with. I was very happy with the hats I had. So yeah, um I've definitely been through some changes that, and as you said, I am quite a private person in terms of business, but I think it's important sometimes to just share your story and maybe just help other people resonate a little bit. It's been a little bit of time since the main part of my story that I'm going to talk about happened. So um, yeah, hopefully I can help people a little bit and uh help people understand more about changing hats and how you can change hats and still be fabulous and midlife uh wearing it wearing a different hat. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 3:39

Yeah. And obviously, our episode is going to be relevant all year round, but we we've purposefully chosen this time, the end of November, because for quite a few, probably of the wonderful women listening, and maybe some of the chaps too, the big C-word, the big Christmas time is looming. And if you've had to undergo this change of hats this year, last year, it it still can be a blinking tough time. I mean, I'm I'm blessed that I I don't speak from first hand experience, but obviously I'm aware that it can be tough, and I'm delighted that later on, after we've obviously talked through your story, you're going to be sharing your insights really. I won't say lessons learned, but top top blinking tips, we'll call them. Yeah, how do we resilient? Because we'll we'll go into your story, but I think we we we agreed when we were chatting before that as women, midlife women, we underplay our resilience, don't we?

SPEAKER_01: 4:55

I think it's resilience, is uh you know, we've talked, resilience is a word that sometimes gets flung around quite a lot, but actually, I think that it is such an underplayed skill that you have, and I think a lot of people have it and they don't realise they have it. And luckily, a lot of people don't necessarily need to use it as much as some people do. Um, but I think it's a really important skill. I think it's something that if we can give our children as well, the resilience, I think it's such a powerful thing to be for them to be able to have as they move forward, and you know, because everybody faces challenges, whether it's similar to the ones I faced or others, you know, whether it's your business failing or you know, you um, you know, as something happens in terms of uh something with a you know illness with a child or you know, whatever it is, yeah, um, we all have to find that resilient part of us. And I think you know, the more we can hone in on and be confident in our resilience, I think that that the more it helps.

SPEAKER_02: 5:57

Yeah, definitely. Because I think obviously, as a word, it will mean different things to different people. But I think mean the the meaning that I would give it is oh, we've seen all those, keep calm and carry on, keep on keeping on. But I I regard resilience as literally finding that strength, for want of a better word, in yourself, just when every bit of shit seems to be hitting that fan, just to keep on, because you're not just carrying on for you, more often than not, particularly with your story, you had a son that was involved, you know. You you it's not you can't just call it cut curling up in a ball and shutting the door, isn't an option because these other hats, these responsibilities all come into play, don't they? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 6:48

I um I have a little analogy, and I don't know how well it works on a podcast because normally I have a picture. But if you imagine a stick man and he has this coat on, this this like um long raincoat, but the raincoat is made of steel, and there's another stick man, and that stick man doesn't have a raincoat or any coat on, but he has a steel core to him, and I think the analogy there is that sometimes you don't have a huge amount of resilience, so you just need to put the steel coat on just to deal with everything that's coming your way, but ideally, over time, and this is kind of where I've got to it's actually I don't need the steel raincoat anymore because I've got more of a stronger core um in terms of resilience and the way that I deal with life and how that I've you know um moved forward. Uh, that you know, I don't necessarily need that coat. Yeah, there are times absolutely I go back in the wardrobe and grab that steel coat again and a bit of armour just to protect myself. And it's there when you need it. Kind of for me, it's about resilience is yeah, absolutely, absolutely. And I think that's you know, for me, it works, it works that way. I'm very much a kind of analogy person, so yeah, that works that way to think about that way.

SPEAKER_02: 7:58

I love that. I've got the image of the two stick people now. Well, obviously, it's what you do, storytelling. And if you would share your own story with us, I would be honoured really, and I think all the all the ladies listening will be as well. So take us back, Claire.

SPEAKER_01: 8:20

Okay, so I will take you back to 200 um three. I married um a wonderful man called Paul. Uh, we'd worked together, we'd been really good friends uh before we got together, and then in August 2003, we got married. And you know, amazing day, all the family were there, um, just had a really great time, and um went on a honeymoon, had an amazing time, and we were still worked together after we got married, and in the November of that year, um we were walking to work, and Paul said to me, Um, I'm really I'm really struggling to walk. I said, What do you mean you're really struggling to walk? I said, just don't feel well. So luckily we were in really near a hospital, so we went to AE, and it turned out that he had um a massive issue with his heart. His heart had enlarged by about, they say, five times. I don't know quite whether that was exactly the number, but he had a hugely enlarged heart and uh within 48 hours had major heart surgery.

SPEAKER_02: 9:33

And this was without warning, there'd been no back history.

SPEAKER_01: 9:37

No warning, no warning. He was fit as a fiddle, a pair of us, you know, used to go off and go to the gym and things, and yeah, no, no, no warning at all. He was a real sporty person, he was one of those people that um you know uh everybody hated because he was really good at picking up any sport, you know, there was no sign, no sign at all. Um, and so um he had the major heart surgery. Um, and then over time, what it transpired was it took us 18 months to find out he had an extremely rare vascular condition that affects one in a million people, and that had um attacked his arteries in his heart, which is why his heart was failing. Um we uh so over time he'd obviously his heart had suffered and struggled there, and you know, it was um they could do a lot of stuff with his heart, but actually his heart was was you know had had damage to it. Um so over time we um we you know he had some medication, but he was okay, you know, he was still off playing golf, still working, etc. And then um 2009, two things happened. Uh one was he became too ill to work, he was really struggling um in terms of being able to do a he had a really big job in the city five days a week doing that. He was amazing at his job, really, really clever guy. And um, yeah, he couldn't work anymore. And our son was born. So James came along in 2009. So we had sort of six years of him being okay, but some complications in terms of what's gone on, and he'd had various, you know, small operations in the in the meantime. Um, you know, I'm a very big believer of things happen for a reason and certain timings happen when certain timings happen. So uh James came along and Paul stopped work and he became James's primary carer. So I um at this time had uh decided that I was gonna just carry on working, I would carry on working, and Paul would be um you know looking after James. And looking back, knowing what I know now, um James had the most amazing relationship with his dad in the in the younger years because he got to spend more time with his dad than a lot of kids do in a in a lifetime, you know. So um it was it was it was fantastic. Um fast forward a series of different operations, and we were faced in 2018 with um another operation. They took six months to decide whether to operate on him uh because of whether it would be the right thing to put him through this next operation. Uh it was decided that it needed to happen. Um so in June 2018, Paul went into um hospital and um had his operation. He spent five days in intensive care, and at the end of that five days after the operation, he passed away. So we we lost him. Um he was 48 at the time. I was 45 and James was nine.

SPEAKER_02: 13:11

Nine. So he he knew he knew what was going on.

SPEAKER_01: 13:16

He knew what was going on, yeah. He'd been he was great with my you know, with McCall, my husband. He um he used to go to some of his because Paul would have lots of um appointments, I think, for two-doctors, and James would go along to some of them, you know, go and get his go along with him to get his bloods done every week and that kind of thing. So he was fully aware of what's going on, but as a nine-year-old, I don't think you expect to ever have to have that conversation that I had to have with with with James that night.

SPEAKER_02: 13:47

Especially as his dad had played such a huge part from his very infancy.

SPEAKER_01: 13:53

Yeah, his dad had played a huge part. So um yeah, and and whilst I was there every day in intensive care, and they were like, Claire, you know, you need to this is this is this is this is tough, he's fighting, but it's this is tough. I don't think you ever think of the possibility. I think you just keep hoping. And even when things just are staying as they are and not getting any worse, you go, well that's good. So um, yeah, in the June of 2018, I went from being a wife, a mum, and a then business owner. So in the meantime, I'd set up clever farming to um being a widow, not a wife, and uh uh a mum and a business owner. And I think you know, going back to what you said about the change hats, um, sometimes you choose to change hats, and sometimes those hats are taken away from you and you have to put another one on. And um I think for me it was very much uh you just have to survive now. You know, you've got this hat on, you've got a nine-year-old child who's just lost his dad, you've just got to get on, you've just got to try and find ways around this, you know. Um I didn't work for a few months really, you know, just to focus. I wasn't my I wasn't in a headspace that I could. My clients because I had lovely relationships with them were fantastic. Um but then even then I was like, I've got no, you know, I've got no identity, I'm I don't know who I am anymore. No, you know, and I don't you really think about it at that point because you are literally just surviving. Um, but looking back, I think, you know, for me I was like, okay, well, over time I started to go, well, who's Claire? Who am I? You know, I've been having I've had so many years being Paul's wife. Who who am I now? You know? Um, so um and and and being a lone parent, you know, lone parenting is you know, I I I talk to a number of widows, and lone parenting is a fairly tough gig.

SPEAKER_00: 16:08

Um, you know, you don't get any time off doing a weekend off or whatever.

SPEAKER_01: 16:13

This is, you know, you are responsible for them 24-7 for the rest of you know, you are their parents. So um I think I was very much thrive uh surviving, not thriving, and just wearing those hats because someone had pumped them on me, not because I'd gone and picked them up. Um and I think over time you start to, you know, we all know that grief is not linear, so you go up and you go down, and you know, um I often think of it and other people have talked about this as well as those waves, you know. Sometimes you get a small wave and other times you get a wave that just kind of goes over the top of your head and it's huge, and you're just struggling to struggling to breathe. Um so I think from that perspective, um, it was really over time. I would kind of take maybe two steps forward and one step back sometimes. You know, I started to run the business again. I was very much focused on James, but I absolutely wasn't focused on myself personally, because you know, as much as they say fit your own Austrian mask before yourself, you know, I was I need to keep the business running. Um, but most importantly, I just need to make sure that James is okay, you know, not great, just okay, we'll be good. Um, so all of my time that hat was very much the mum hat was the big hat that I had on, and the business hat was the second hat, and and the Claire hat, whatever hat I was wearing with being a widow, you know, was just um there in the background. Um and so over time it's kind of actually I need to work out who who I am and who you know what's my identity. Um, and I think that's a lot of reflection on on things, you know. I can look back now and go, I had an I had an amazing relationship with my you know, my my husband, um, who was you know sadly taken away from me, but actually there was a lot of joy there, was a lot of happiness, and so I think that kind of gave me a lot of comfort and seeing James, you know, um building uh his life.

SPEAKER_03: 18:18

Um is he like his dad?

SPEAKER_01: 18:21

He's he is he's a bit of a tip off the old block, actually. Yeah, he's he's so he's 16 now, so he had you know, we both had support from a bereavement perspective. He was supported by a charity that was um supported by children in need, and in in and then two years ago he was actually chosen to be one of the one show challenge squad for children in need.

SPEAKER_02: 18:39

No, I love that because he was giving back. I actually sent me the clip, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 18:43

Yeah, yeah, he was absolutely giving back. He was um he was giving back, he was he's so eloquent at talking about his emotions. Um, so and from from his perspective, he wanted to talk about actually it's okay to talk about your emotions, it's okay to be sad. And I think especially for you know, yes, there's you know, there's there's issues with and and still in society, men who you know feel they can't be open, um, and that's you know, society that's created that, but also you know, with with boys, sometimes it's more difficult um for them to feel like they can open up. But you know, he was really good at talking about that. He's he presented in front of his entire school um his speech that he was going to do on children in need, you know, that's that's that's as a boys' school, that's a that's a big ass. Yeah, so I think you know, my hats have kind of I guess I've learned to wear the the widow hat, but you know, I think I said to you before, I don't tend to talk about it because I don't want to be defined as a widow, I want to just be Claire, and Claire happens to have different hats on, you know. Um and I think I'm a very positive person, and I think that's probably what I struggle with a little bit was just being in the moment and and leaning into the grief and leaning into the situation and just having to not be I couldn't fix it. You know, the one thing you want to do with your kids is you want to fix them. I couldn't fix what this was going on, you know. So I think it was leaning into that. Um, and you know, I think now I wear, you know, I've got, I guess I've got the lone parent hat, I've got the I've got the uh business owner hat, and you know, now I've got a hat that's Claire enjoying life, you know. I'm with um I you know seven years, eight years down the line, I'm I'm now with someone else who I'm really happy with. Um you know a Claire hat back on now, which is you know really good.

SPEAKER_02: 20:37

Because that must be the thing. I mean, uh labels are something that particularly in midlife, we can feel we're having thrust upon them. And and it the mere word widow in itself, I can imagine when you're in whether it be social situations or business situations, the chances are the conversation at some stage does come around to whether you're a mum, whether you're married or whatever. And I can imagine that the very phrase, oh, I'm a widow, immediately invites either slightly awkward questions or uh people stepping back and not sure what to say. I mean, did did you encounter that or is that a stupid question? Because of course you did.

SPEAKER_01: 21:15

I absolutely encountered it, and you know, I will give you an example, not a business example, but I'll give you a personal example. So the weekend after Paul died, um, we had a I live in a village, we had a big village day, gets planned, you know, big, big thing. And James was desperate to go. And I was like, Do you know what he needs to go? He needs to feel some normality. So we went along, and I can I can see myself now. I walked onto the recreation ground at our village, and I could see people almost retreating because they just didn't know what to say, and so I found myself just literally walking up to people and giving people hugs because I was just like I was trying to get the awkwardness, and it's the same, you know, when I would talk, you know, in the conversation. Yeah, absolutely, you're totally bang on Kate. The conversation comes around as you start to develop relationships with people through work, the conversation comes up, and then it's like, actually, I'm a widow, and people just look and it's like, and I suppose you know, I'm now in my early 50s, it's not something that people really expect you to say. So I think probably there's a bit of a shock factor, but also I do think people go, I don't know what to say, and I almost find myself going, Oh, it's okay, you know.

SPEAKER_02: 22:32

I so you're yeah, you're taking on the role, another role, but you're taking it on a comforter and you're reassuring them. So resilience, as you say, your cloak that has become your core. Yeah, that must have been a huge part of building. Or do you think you build it? Do you think it's inside you already? Resilience.

SPEAKER_01: 22:56

That's a really interesting question, Kate. I guess I think naturally I'm a positive person. So I think I have the I I try and look for the forward thing. I try to move forward. I will um, you know, I call myself a bit of a weeble. I don't know whether the listeners will know what a weeble is, but it's essentially a just think of a character, a cartoon character that's got a big one.

SPEAKER_02: 23:19

I remember that wasn't it weebles weebles wobble, but they don't fall down. That's that's what I remember as the tagline.

SPEAKER_01: 23:26

So I, you know, I will often be the person that kind of like leans and uh, you know, uh I'm you know, my head's just about touching the ground and then we whoop up we come again, you know. So um, you know, I think I think there is a little bit of me that naturally will always be a resilient person, but I think I have learnt tools and tools sounds very mechanical, but I've I guess I've learned over time how to build that resilience. But part of that resilience, you know, and and we'll talk about it in the sort of top tip things, yeah, is actually not to push yourself too far, you know, to be kind to yourself, to listen to yourself. Some days just getting through the day is enough, you know, and I think, and that can be in a personal sense, or that can be in a business sense. There's so much pressure as business owners to perform, and we see all these people going off and they're winning awards, and they've got this many followers, and they've made this amount of money, you know. And actually, sometimes you just need to go, do you know what? I've done enough today. I have done enough today, and that's okay. And I think sometimes it's important, you know, well, it's always important to be kind to yourself, but I think sometimes it's important just to step back and go, this is okay. What I've done today is okay. Tomorrow I might do more, tomorrow I might do even less. Today it's okay. What I've done is okay, and I think those kinds of things and those abilities that I've picked up, and you know, I've had professional support along the way too. So, um, you know, I'm I'm very lucky. I've got an amazing support network around me that helped me with me, with my business, with James, you know, so I'm super super lucky in that sense. But I think all that time and learning has helped me to build those kinds of things up.

SPEAKER_02: 25:21

No, that that's that's really good advice, so straight up. I mean, obviously, I'm I'm looking forward to to hearing your insights and top tips, but I would have thought the actual reaching out that sounds like something that can be can be scary though, because with so many things, we we have that feeling that we don't want to trouble people with our I won't say problems because becoming a widow isn't a problem, but but how we're feeling or or can they say it might it might be a simple favour that you need, but it was it difficult to think, oh shit, who who do I ask?

SPEAKER_01: 25:58

It's not my so I guess there's two things. Uh can I come back to that, Kate? Because there was a really interesting point that actually will help you know one that has lost someone recently, or or you know, not recently, but months or something. One of the things that I learned was that uh, or I realized was people were saying to me, What can I do? I don't know what you can do. I've just lost my husband, I can't even think at the moment. So if someone is in that situation or struggling, just suggest you're going to do something. Like, I'm bringing round a meal for you, or I'm going to take the dog for a walk. You can come with me if you want to, but I'm going to take the dog for a walk. You know, so be proactive in that sense because I think a lot of people go, I want to help, but I don't know what to do. But actually, that person hasn't got time or the even the brainworth to work out what you could do, just offer something. So, but that's yeah, sorry.

SPEAKER_02: 26:49

So that was no, because that makes so much more sense. Because otherwise, you say, Oh, I'm here if you need me, and then walk away. And then that then means that you've then got to think of something that you need me to do, and then you've got to get back in touch with me to arrange for me to do it when all you don't want to even be doing that. So if I've already said to you, right, tomorrow I will come and do X. Yeah, you can tell me to bugger off if you don't want me to do it, but yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 27:21

In fact, you can stay in bed if you want to, but I'm just gonna fly around the kitchen and give it a quick clean, or something, you know, whatever it might be, or I'm just gonna go, or whatever, or I'm just gonna go and sit downstairs and I'll I'm gonna make myself a coffee and I'll just be here if you need something, you know, whatever it is. But I think, and the reason I mentioned that is because reaching out is so hard, and I guess it's hard for a couple of reasons. One is um, in the beginning, you've got no headspace, you are literally running on adrenaline. I've got a hat on in my circumstances. I've got a hat on, which is I just need to look after my child. I can't like communicating with loads of people is just not you know, it's just not gonna happen. And the second thing is if anybody's like me, I'm really rubbish at reaching out because I'm quite independent, so I want to try and do it all myself. But hey, top news, you can't. So, you know, I was like, I had to learn to to to ask people for help, and everybody was happy to give the help, you know. But I was like, and I'd have to look, you know, I was like, I'm really sorry, can can can you just look after J, you know? Even now, I'm still a lone parent running a business. So if I'm and I have a dog, so if I am you know going to London for a whole day for a meeting, I've got to make sure that James and the dog is sorted out. So, you know, even that kind of thing. But back then I was like, uh I don't even really want to leave James, but I've got to go and do this, I've got to just quickly pop here, and it might not even be work, it might be something personal I have to just have to do. I have to get a funeral direct. So, you know, I've got to reach out to someone to go, can you please look after James? Can you, you know, so um reaching out is really hard in that instance anyway, but reaching out, especially if you're like me who likes to be independent, is is hard. And that's whether that's personal, you know, or even in business, reaching out to people, and again, I think particularly in business, because there's such a pressure to look like you are performing well, but when you're not and you need to reach out, I think people feel they're gonna get jobs, but actually it's having some vulnerability I think makes you so much like you're authentic, you're just being you, you know. But I think there is so much pressure to be perfect that um, and in particular in the business world, oh gosh, I can't say that I haven't got that many sales at the moment, you know. Oh god, I can't say that I I'm I'm really sorry, I'm trying to be this amazing person, but I actually can't come to that meeting because I've got to get this sorted when something else is happening, and I've got to get to do the school work or whatever it is, you know, we're jelly, shoveling all those cats. It's really hard.

SPEAKER_02: 30:01

No. No, I'm completely with you, but I'm I'm for being as real as we can. Yeah, we don't you don't have to wash all your dirty laundry. We're not saying that. We're not we're not saying endless social media posts about every uh you know every little bit of your life that's going on, but if it works for you, then you shouldn't feel I used I use my dreaded should there. It it's okay if that works for you to put it all out there because some people find that pouring their heart out helps, doesn't it? Whereas others the the wall might go up straight away. And is it finding a happy medium between the two? I suppose finding again what works for you because there is no what works.

SPEAKER_01: 30:47

I think it has to be what works for you because for me, I was I've I've never been someone to put loads of my personal stuff on social media. You know, I I I put the stuff with regards to children in need on there, but I I'm not really big on that, and part of that is because I don't want to be defined by what happens. Um but also you know, I want I in business, I want to be defined by how I, you know, what I can do with people, how I can succeed, you know, how I can succeed and stuff. So yeah, I guess I guess on the individual.

SPEAKER_02: 31:20

And I think I think there is that danger of veering into the victim stroke victor mentality, and that's a whole not not a dangerous place to go, but it can be so many mixed messages that come through, isn't there? But there is one story that you share before we go into your insights and top tips that I would love, I'll have to remind you of it because you don't know what I'm talking about. It was your ski run story when you were standing at the top of the ski run, and I just thought that epitomized so much about well finding resilience as well.

SPEAKER_01: 31:58

So I've got to I've got too many ski stories these days. So I learnt to ski in my 40s. Not necessarily saying that's a good thing, but you know, um you did it. I learned to ski as a mum. Um, and learn to ski as a mum is terrifying because your child invariably learns quicker than you do and starts. They go so fast, they go so fast, and you're like, oh my god, I don't even know what I'm gonna do if I can't get down fast enough. Because unfortunately, Paul at that point wasn't able to ski, so um first few C holidays he came, but he wasn't able to ski. Um, so for me, skiing is is is quite uh, you know, I've I've faced a few, and you know, there's a couple of there's a couple of instances where I've been at the tops of ski slopes, and frankly, well the thing about skiing is you can't actually go back down a ski lift. You can't. So yeah, I mean that in itself is forced resilience. So you're gonna have to do one of three things ski down, um, side slip down, which is for anybody that knows skiing, is kind of you go on the side and you basically just tip a little bit of a ski and gradually go down, or go down to your bottom, one of the two, one of the three. There is a fourth option, which also has happened to me, um, which was oh my god, I can't, I just can't do this. Get me down, like having a meltdown of just get me down off the side of this slope because I'm now, you know, I can't do this anymore. And to be fair, that did happen the first time I went skiing without without uh once all of Paul died. So um, but I think you know, each one has an element of I'm gonna get I'm gonna get down it. I've got you know, I've got to get down. There is no chart, I've just got to get down. So for me, it's I think forced resilience. I don't know if that's even a phrase or a thing, but forced resilience for me is definitely skiing, it's skiing gives you forced resilience because I think it you know it it means you've got to do it. But I think the you know what's what's so good is you're at the top there, or at the middle, or wherever you happen to have gone down, which is generally quite a few places sometimes when I'm on.

SPEAKER_02: 34:11

I I have been head first in a snow drift on several occasions.

SPEAKER_01: 34:15

But actually, you at the time think you can't do it, but you do, you get down, you know. To be fair, if we bring this back to hats, I definitely just had the Claire hat on because I was just like, I've just got to get down here. Like my son might be down the bottom, luckily with some other people that we were skiing with. But I was like, Yeah, okay, I've just I've just got to go now, and I've just got to somehow work out how to get down. So it was very much I had one hat on, which is me skiing. Um, but you get down and you're like, look at what I achieved, and there's you know, it's not even a metaphor, you look up the ski. That's what I was gonna say.

SPEAKER_02: 34:49

I just thought that was such a wonderful image.

SPEAKER_01: 34:51

Looking back up, look up, and you go, goodness me, I just managed to get down that. Um, and and you feel stronger, and I think you realize that you are stronger than you thought you were in that moment, you know. In that moment, fear and fear's a fears for another podcast, but you know, fear is is is debilitating, and you know, at that time you're like, I can't get down, but actually find a way, you'll get down, and then you look up and you go, I did that, and I must do that.

SPEAKER_02: 35:25

And and I thought it was so much more of a joyous analogy and a positive analogy than climbing out of a well or climbing out of a mire, which are the the typical um metaphors that we use, aren't we? Kind of clawing our way out of something, but bombing down a hill, whether it's on our bottom or whatever, but then looking up, and I've got this image of the blue sky and and the mountain, and thinking, bloody hell, I've conquered that. If I can do that.

SPEAKER_01: 35:53

Well, maybe not a black run next, but I mean, and obviously, I need to have a uh a cold beer first of all before I go back again.

SPEAKER_02: 36:01

But yes, you know, there's a bit of glue mine, strudel, a bit of apple strudel. Right, before I get too excited about apple strudel, I'm I'm gonna start talking about mince pies now. I think I think it'd be lovely if we could move into your insights for recognising our resilience, whether we've got a snow capping to hand or not.

SPEAKER_01: 36:28

Well, I think I've kind of you know, I've probably alluded to some of these already. I think there is there is absolutely one about being kind to yourself and recognising that some days you're not gonna achieve as much as you as other days. And I think that just builds resilience. I think resilience, some people think means you're gonna conquer the world. Well, actually, being resilient can just be I've got through today, I've done today. You know, I went to that meeting that I was feeling really nervous about, or I made that call that I was feeling really ick about, and you know, or actually, do you know what I'll go out of bed today? Or I went and did something that I felt uncomfortable about. You know, whatever it might be, give yourself kudos for doing that. And some days just go, you know what, today is enough. That's enough. I did enough today. I did enough, that's fine. So I think being kind and recognising that some days are gonna be different to others, you know. I think that's really important. I think one of the other things that I've learned is it's okay not to be okay. I think grief, you know, you I said I've already said as a mum, I just wanted to fix James, but also you know, I'm a I'm you want to move forward, you want to be positive, but actually sometimes it's okay to not be like it's okay to go, I'm really angry that I've lost my husband. You know, it's okay to go, this isn't okay, this is not right, this is not fair. This you know, all those things.

SPEAKER_02: 37:59

Guilt must come into it as well. Like the first time you and James had a giggle about something together.

SPEAKER_01: 38:06

That must have been just like, oh, yeah, can we do that? Is that okay? You know, can we go and enjoy this first ski trip? You know, it was real highs and lows because it was like actually it was a really lovely time, but then it was like he's not here with us. Um, you know, um I'm I'm super, super lucky that Paul was a very positive person as well. So I know he was all about um, he was all about living life and living life in a and living life in a big way and in a little way, just little wins. And that would be one of my things is um I think recognising little wins as well as the big wins, um, and recognising how you're living life and making the most of your business, if that's if you want to talk about it from a business perspective, I think is really builds resilience as well because it makes you look back and reflect and go, gosh, I did that. Gosh, that's really good. I moved forward, I took that step or whatever it might be. Um I guess there's a couple of others. One is um you're stronger than you think, and I think when you realize you're stronger than you think, that builds resilience. Um and in those moments of fear and in those moments of darkness, actually, when you look back at those, you can you can see that you go forward, and I think sometimes in those moments of darkness, it's about just trying to take the next step, you know. I think a lot of these are all kind of interlinked in terms of finding yourself to just take the next step. But actually, when you can take the next step, it does really build the resilience. So I think you know, you are actually stronger than you think, and then I guess my my final tip would be um don't regret things. And I think you know, for me, life is shorter than you realise. Um, we found that really starkly out, um but I think don't don't regret not doing things, and I think in a personal life that's very much about making the most of life, but also in business, you know, yes, we talked about there being lots of pressure on people to do lots of things, and I think sometimes we lots of business owners I've talked to are fantastic procrastinators, and you go, I won't do that because that's not quite right, or I haven't quite got my offer right, or I haven't quite, you know, it's not quite right. The imperfect action of just going, I'm just gonna take the next step, you know. Don't sit there in three months' time and go, do you know what? If I'd actually kicked off that marketing, or if I'd actually got that virtual assistant in to help me, or if I'd actually done whatever, go do it, just go do it. Don't regret, just just just go do it, go take that action.

SPEAKER_02: 41:00

I love that because I I am the queen of taking perfectly imperfect action. Absolutely, and in most occasions, I I back that up with asking yourself what's the worst that can happen, because nine times out of ten, the implications aren't going to be life-changing. But I'm a bit bad, small step.

SPEAKER_01: 41:22

Yeah, you see, I'm a bit bad for that, Kate, because I sit there going, What's the worst that can happen? Well, worst things already happened.

SPEAKER_02: 41:28

So, you know, I'm I'm a bit bad for that because I say that people look at me and go, no, I'm turning it around because the old the old me was oh, catastrophizing city. But now I kind of do it positive, I call it positive catastrophizing. So if I think what's the worst that can happen, and then I think, okay, what would I do? What do I need to do in case that does happen? In case, despite my best efforts, my best planning, it still happens. Let's be prepared for it.

SPEAKER_01: 42:01

Yeah, you know, shit happens in life. Oh god, yeah. And in life, shit happens, and look at us, we're all still standing, we're all still going forward, you know. So for me, it's about sometimes just just do it, just go do it, do it. If it feels like the right thing you should be doing, just go do it.

SPEAKER_02: 42:19

I love that, and thank you. Thank you for being so bloody open and honest because it's it's a tough subject, and I thank you, listeners, for actually sticking with us because I you may have been triggered by part of it, but Claire, I I think you told that beautifully, really. And you know, one thing that's really stuck with me, and I say it applies to widowhood, to bereavement, but so many parts of life as well. We're actually creating our own agenda. So being kind is actually about don't put too much on the agenda, you know, when it's I oh I should be doing the I hate the shoulds, but as you say, the whole comparisonitis, have I done enough today? By whose standard? What where is the judgment coming from? Get rid of it, you know, isn't it? It's about if I'm happy, yeah. Well, not I use the word happy, if if if I have done myself proud, yeah, very much so. Very much so. Because no one else, everyone else has got their own stuff they're getting on with. We shouldn't be stop, I'm doing it again. We do not need to waste our time and energy worrying about trying to impress and get gold stars from other people.

SPEAKER_01: 43:40

But interestingly enough, even on the flip side of that, we don't know what's going on with people in their life in their life.

SPEAKER_02: 43:47

Oh, especially with these wonderful social media things that oh no, rah-rah, rah. Yeah, you're sitting at home crying and coffee.

SPEAKER_01: 43:54

So I think as well, that whole be kind to other people, because you just don't know, you know. I was very lucky, I had an amazing set of clients who were fantastic, but you know, I could have could have been all sorts of of pickle. Um, and you know, everybody was super kind, but you just don't know what's going on behind closed doors and and you know, behind the desk or whatever it is, you know.

SPEAKER_02: 44:19

No, that's so true. That's so true. And I look forward, but we're going to be getting together again a bit nearer to Christmas, and we're going to be having a live little video chat, or maybe pre-recorded, but a little video chat we'll be putting out. So uh I look forward to touching on it again because I think it's so such powerful advice you've given and such powerful insights.

SPEAKER_01: 44:40

Yeah, and Christmas time is just one time that you know just it heightens everything, doesn't it? So um I think yeah, it'll be it'll be really timely for us to have that conversation.

SPEAKER_02: 44:51

Yeah, we'll be doing that. We'll be we'll be getting our heads together. But before that, you know you can't escape now. I have the three questions that I ask each of my fabulous female guests, and as we are hurtling towards the first birthday of Midlife Unlimited, it will become as no surprise what these three questions are. So if you're ready, I will ask the first question. You don't have to sing it, but if you get the urge, I highly encourage it. Oh, I normally I normally have a little burst. What is your midlife anthem? The song or piece of music that fires you up.

SPEAKER_01: 45:30

Okay, so I've chosen this piece of music for three different reasons. One, because it's just what I would describe as, um, and I've now got this from James a banger, you know, in terms of it's great, even just from the intro, it's just like, yep, here we go, you know, fires you up, gets you going. I've chosen it because it brings back memories of um just lots of like every time I hear this music, I think of being on a dance floor somewhere, having fun with friends, you know, it's just a really positive one. And the third reason is it's been out that long that it's kind of come back round again and being re-released by different artists, so that James really loves it as well. Now, so I want to know. So, um, my anthem is You've Got the Love by Candy Saturn.

SPEAKER_02: 46:22

Yes, you got the love. See, I told you. Oh, I like that. Yeah, that is good, and you're so right, it's completely stood the test of time, hasn't it? And it's uh oh, I say my boy Finley, his playlist, so much of us is Cody Coast, but it's really it's mum's playlist that's kind of been although some of the weird things on there from my drinking days are like, no, we'll we'll remove that from the playlist, but enough about me. But coming back to you now. What is your midlife mantra? The phrase that you live your midlife by.

SPEAKER_01: 47:01

Okay, so my interestingly enough, we've kind of touched a little bit on this, but my um midlife mantra wobble, don't fall.

SPEAKER_02: 47:11

Yes, here's to wobbling.

SPEAKER_01: 47:15

So wobble wobbles okay, and you know what? Sometimes you may fall, and that's absolutely fine too. But most of the time you can have a wobble. Wobbles are cool, you'll get back up, it's fine. You might take a little bit of time, but you'll get back up.

SPEAKER_02: 47:30

I like that. So I'm thinking now the title of your autobiography, is that gonna be wobble?

SPEAKER_01: 47:37

No, no, it what I I did think of the the there was uh uh possibly a subhead of wobble, rise, repeat, which did which did I like that, did get to the short list, but no, uh for me, I think I wanted something that reflects the positivity of life and you know my my kind of outlook. So I've written um I would my autobiography would be still standing, still shining.

unknown: 48:07

That's good, that's good.

SPEAKER_02: 48:09

Anyone would think you were in marketing. See what I did then? I love a segue because now you've you you've so amazingly shared your story, and I thank you again. I can't stop thanking you because I think it's gonna help and change conversations, charge conversations, start conversations. But we haven't really touched, obviously, because it's not a business podcast, it's about you. But there's gonna be people listening who are thinking, I like the Santa Claire, I'm gonna want to find out more about her, or I just want to connect with her. So obviously, all your details are in the show notes for our episode, and you've got your guest profile on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website. But before we go, could you share with listeners how they can connect with you, your website details, anything you've got coming up? Over to you. Thank you very much, Kate.

SPEAKER_01: 49:04

Yes, so this has very much been about me, not Clare Best Marketing, but obviously Claire Best Marketing, you know, is 10 years old this year, and it's like with my other little baby. Um, so if you do want to connect with me, LinkedIn is my social media playground. So by all means, look me up on there. Um, my website is ClareBestmarketing.com, and in terms of events, I haven't got any events coming up, but I think it's very timely. A lot of work I do with my clients is giving them clarity in their business and their marketing. So that's kind of my sweet spot in terms of what I do with my clients, and which kind of ties a little bit in terms of giving you identity, but this is giving your business a clearer identity. So um I've always um got my door open if people want to just chew the fat, chat to me, come and have a how do I do this? Um, then just uh drop me a line on LinkedIn and we can have chat further.

SPEAKER_02: 50:04

Excellent, excellent. And I say obviously all your links are on the show notes and on the website. So go and collect, collect, connect even. We can collect as well if you want. Um, and I'd love your feedback on today's episode as well. So it would be fabulous if you could leave a review or you can email or text me via the link in the show notes. Um, and you can come and join the Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook group. And also on the website, there are details of my VIP Midlife Metamorphosis coaching offers and my new Pop Your Podcast Cherry one-to-one offer. What's that all about? Well, go and check it out. Uh so thank you again for joining me today, Claire. It's been an absolute pleasure. We got it in before the year anniversary. Whoop whoop. Thank you for listening. I look forward to tuning in next week because don't forget Midlife Unlimited has a new episode every Thursday available wherever you listen to your podcasts. So here's to being fabulous and flourishing together and living midlife unlimited. Thanks, Claire. It's been brilliant.