Episode #058 How to Start Living Boldly with Guest Elle Kay

Are you caught up in the Christmas countdown, with the overwhelming urge to be the hostess with the mostess threatening to put a dampener on your festive spirit?

At this time of year more than any other, we don’t put our wants first. It’s a seemingly endless round of pleasing others… even the recovering people pleasers among us – me included.

It’s time to give yourself a gift better than anything Santa could leave in your stocking.

If chasing perfection is leaving you feeling crackered, then this episode is just for you.

Because I’m the Queen of being perfectly imperfect, so I’m delighted to be joined for Episode 058 by my guest transformative hypnotherapist Elle Kay to talk about How to Start Living Boldly.

Connect with Elle

http://www.ellekay.co.uk

hello@ellekay.co.uk

https://www.instagram.com/hey_elle_kay/
 
 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

Welcome to Midlife Unlimited, the podcast for women who want more. I'm your host, Kate Porter, the midlife metamorphosis coach, and I know what it's like to feel stuck navigating the midlife maze. I've looked in the mirror and thought, who is that woman? So Midlife Unlimited is here to let you know you're not alone. You don't have to put on a brave face and put up with it. You don't have to play it safe. Midlife Unlimited is all about ripping off that mask and telling midlife how it really is. Nothing is off limits because together there's no limit to what we can achieve. So welcome to today's episode. Now, are you caught up in the Christmas countdown with overwhelm threatening to put a huge dampener on your festive spirit? At this time of year, more than any other, we just don't put our wants first. It's a seemingly endless round of pleasing others. Even the recovering people pleasers among us, me included. So it's time to give ourselves a gift better than anything Santa could leave in our stocking. If chasing perfection is leaving you feeling crackered, then this episode is just for you. Because I'm delighted to be joined by my guest, LK, a transformative hypnotherapist, to talk about how to start living boldly. So welcome, L. It's fabulous to have you here.

SPEAKER_01: 1:38

Hi Kate, thank you so much for having me on your podcast. I'm excited to be here.

SPEAKER_00: 1:43

My pleasure. And obviously, we're coming out just before Christmas. So Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. And we're going to be putting a little festive twist on what we're talking about, but before we go any further, the tips, the advice, the insights are going to apply all year round, aren't they? Because you walk the talk. You are a fabulous advocate of living boldly.

SPEAKER_01: 2:07

Thank you. Yeah. I think you know it applies all year round. It is especially helpful at Christmas, but I do think it applies all year round for sure.

SPEAKER_00: 2:15

No, absolutely. Because we when we were having our little pre-chat, an alternative title that we were toying with was how to make today your one day. You know, how to actually go for it, stop procrastinating. But this time of year particularly, emotions do start simmering, don't they? The the situations that we we have thrust upon us often can make us start thinking, is this really what we want? Why why aren't we actually putting our hand up and saying, enough, enough of this Malaki?

SPEAKER_01: 2:49

Exactly. I think Christmas, there's extra pressure to be perfect, to have the best time, to have the most fun, to please everyone else. You put everyone else first, and it is a lot of pressure. And obviously, it's leading up to the new year. New Year's the time where you're thinking, you know, what did I achieve this year? You know, so it's quite an emotional time of year. I think Christmas is where it all sort of becomes a reality, and that pressure builds, and you start to question, you know, what am I doing with my life? And you know, I can't keep pleasing everyone else because that's it leads to burnout. You know, you get burnt out just trying to please everyone else, make everything perfect, and that pressure just multiplies at Christmas time.

SPEAKER_00: 3:27

And I think as well, us wonderful midlife women, there are so many extra layers as well that come in, aren't there? Whether we're having empty nesting, whether aging parents, friendships evolving, falling by the wayside, feeling oh, you know, are we trying to make new friendships, perhaps starting new businesses, new partnerships, you know, long-term relationships that have faded that we're thinking, really, is Netflix all we've got in common? Because that can be something over Christmas, isn't it? When you have those days where the other distractions have disappeared, and it is maybe just you and your partner and sitting there with a box of chocolates thinking, oh god.

SPEAKER_01: 4:08

Is this right for me exactly? But there is that sort of expectation to stay, you know, and you think what will people think? You know, that you don't want to break outside the norm and you don't want to upset other people, or you don't want people talking about you. So you try to maintain this facade that everything's great, but you know, under the surface it's not. And I think, you know, particularly a lot of people are off over Christmas in your year as well. So, as you say, you're not busy with work, you've got time together, and you maybe realize it's not a good fit, and really you're not really happy and you're not fulfilling what you want individually, so it's definitely a time of year where a lot of things come to the surface.

SPEAKER_00: 4:45

Yeah, and I think particularly what you just said about worrying about what will people think, and that I mean, I'm very much not worried about what people think anymore, but very much the sandwich generation, and it is you kind of feel you're having to please both ways, aren't you? You know, whether your kids who are getting older, but they're still your kids, your parents, if you're lucky enough to have them getting older, but the shifting relationship there from feeling almost like more of a parent than a daughter, maybe. I know I'm personally in that situation now, but it is, isn't it, constantly feeling setting these not even when they're not boundaries, setting these expectations for ourselves that no one else is putting on us, we're putting it on ourselves, and then the disappointment and the guilt and everything else that comes with a big Christmas bow on it is just overwhelming.

SPEAKER_01: 5:38

You might just put it on the absolutely, yeah. It's it's the it's the we must do this, we must do that, or the guilt gets to us, you know. We we have these high expectations of ourselves, and we maybe you know online see other people having it all and doing it all, and you think, why can't I manage that as well? And you want to be everything to everyone, but then what about your own needs? Because you know, we've all only got 24 hours in the day, and as you were saying, if you've got you know your parents there and your children who all need a piece of you, you know what what do you have left for yourself? And it is we we we want to do our best and we want to help other people, and it is those kind of expectations and that pressure we put on ourselves is really, really hard to maintain, and I think at Christmas time it just multiplies because you've then got all of the Christmas shopping, the gifts, the cooking, the visiting people, you know, and it it's impossible to manage it all.

SPEAKER_00: 6:30

No, absolutely. I I've said it before, I'll say it again. I am now the queen of perfect imperfection. Yes, I I like I like to zhuzh things up a bit. Who doesn't? But you can literally get, as you just said so eloquently, caught up in the trying the shoulds, and everyone I think knows now what I think about shoulds, get rid of them unless they're a must. But do you know something I even found myself doing recently? Christmas essential oil spraying it on my radiators because I read and it works, it works. If all else fails, at least your house smells absolutely, yeah. But it's again, isn't it? It's put as you said, putting the expectations on ourselves because at the end of the day, is anyone else going to notice if the table isn't absolutely perfect, or if the if your ribbons on the if you happen to know the latest TikTok trend on your ribbon curling?

SPEAKER_01: 7:31

No, yeah, absolutely, and as it's just something we want everything to be perfect, and I suppose it's because we care about the people in our lives, but we need to care about ourselves as well.

SPEAKER_00: 7:42

Yeah, yeah. Because I said the the alternative is you'll either end up just wanting to curl up in bed with a mince pie and shut the door because you've had enough, or that feeling of you're especially if you're not lucky enough to have a massive open plan room that you're you know with everyone in, the feeling of missing out because you're in the kitchen peeling spuds and sprouts and everyone else, you can hear that distant laughter and the carols, yeah. You mess out and all of it, exactly. Yeah, totally. Oh no, no, right. We're we're gonna start talking about how to live boldly. But as I said, you know, you're a wonderful example of it, right? Because you don't you don't take any rubbish, you've you're not afraid to say, no, this is actually what I want, and not just say it, actually pursue it. So before we actually go into your top tips more and how to as you say, mindset isn't enough, it's about you know living it and doing it. Um let's let's delve a bit into your own midlife metamorphosis because you you've you've turned your life on its head, really, haven't you? As we as we're interviewing or speaking today, listeners, Elle's actually in the middle of renovating a flat to move in before Christmas. I mean, talk about not playing it small. You've just gone in, haven't you? You're just doing this, shaking it all up.

SPEAKER_01: 9:01

Yeah, uh-huh, yeah. It's quite um a time pressure talking about having a nice Christmas and then having to try and renovate. I've got no um toilet or sink or anything. I've got a shower, no toilet and sink now, so it's just um chaos at the moment, but hopefully we'll get there. Um, so yeah, I mean, for for me, I was you know the stereotypical. I had a successful career, we went to university, successful career, marriage, house, daughter, etc. Um, and I just felt it was too much. So I got divorced, I walked away from my marriage and got divorced, and then several years later, I was really working a high-pressure job and I was rushed into hospital in a blue-light ambulance, and I discovered I had a heart condition, um, and it was triggered by chronic stress. So I decided to quit my successful career, sold my house, moved me and my daughter back in with my parents, and I was sleeping on their kitchen floor. I just thought I can't do this anymore. It's making me miserable. I was so stressed, um, overwhelmed, you know, on the surface, very successful, but I just was not happy and decided to walk away from it all. And it's the best thing I ever did. I had really bad anxiety from just the health condition because the heart thing could happen at any time. Um, and discovered hypnotherapy, it changed my life and then started my own business. So it's been a a big, a big change, and now I've got my own place, I'm mortgage free. Um it's it's great, it's it's worked really, really well, but you know, it was it was difficult and it was scary. I've now got a girlfriend as well. I've been with my girlfriend for three years, so to have that change and being a stereotypical, you know, successful person on the surface to actually falling apart underneath and deciding to completely change it all. I know not many people would do what I have done, but I decided it was for me. I had to be bold, it's your one and only life, and no one's coming to save me. I have to make the changes myself if I want to have the life that you know I'm happy with. So that was quite a um difficult and challenging time. But I'm so glad that I did all that. I'm so glad it all happened.

SPEAKER_00: 11:11

Absolutely, because obviously you yours, it was probably dramatic, isn't the right word, but huge changes that all came together. But that that initial, once you'd made that initial choice, was there a sense of relief? Was it a sense of fear? Was it like I'm pressing pause, I'm just gonna press pause and breathe a minute?

SPEAKER_01: 11:36

It was actually relief. So the first night, once I sold my house and moved out my house and quit my job the first night, sleeping on the kitchen floor was actually the best sleep I've ever had. I just felt amazing. I just felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and there was no pressure on me anymore. Um, so for me, uh there was no fear, I was like I have to do this, and I just had this overwhelming because I think you know, I thought at the time I was going to die when I was in the ambulance and I was getting rushed in blue light, I thought I could die here, and it just does something to you. And I've been so real perspective moment, was it like absolutely, and I just sort of thought to myself, what am I doing with my life? Um I I wouldn't want to die just now, and that's what my life's been. And you keep thinking, well, this is how it is, you feel trapped, and you think, Well, this is what I should be doing, you know, I have to do this, what else would I do? You know, I've built up this successful career, I've got the house, and you know, being a single mum and had my daughter as well. Um, I have to look after her, but at that point I thought none of that matters if I'm not there for my daughter, like what good am I? So at that point, and I'm so passionate now about saying to women, don't don't wait until you have that scary moment because it might be too late at that point. So just make changes now because it is your one and only life. We get so caught up in worrying about what other people think, and oh, we need to have the house, we need to have the holidays, and you feel trapped. But there's so many options out there, and you can think outside the box, and you can then actually enjoy your life, you don't have to be miserable, you know, in a marriage, maybe that's not working for you, or you know, a job that's slowly killing you. Like you have to make change now because when you wait on one day, one day we'll never be here. I've worked with people who I've seen retiring and they die within a year, and I just think I don't want that to be me. Um, so you have to make the changes, you have to grab life just now, and waiting on that one day, years and years will pass, and your potential will be inside you, and you you've missed out so much of your life. And people think it's too late. So, this all happened. I'm in like my 40s, this all happened in my 40s, and you know, I don't think it's ever too late. You can you can turn things around, you have choices, there are stuff you know you can do. So for me, it was it was relief, it was the pressure was lifted, and I just was looking at life differently from that point onwards, and it was like a whole it wasn't even a new chapter, it was like a new book in my life, which has just been amazing.

SPEAKER_00: 14:04

No, that that's that's fabulous to hear, and I'm delight, I really am delighted for you because so many of the conversations that I have with the women that I work with, it's it's not necessarily massive changes, but it's that whole idea that they're just settling, yeah. And when you have that feeling of settling, it may not be that you want to make drastic changes, but it's the resentment that then comes. If you're staying in relationships, and I'm not saying walk out, I'm not saying have a Christmas rethink or a new year walk out, but it really is a time now to start thinking look, if I take away everything else in the equation, the bit that's left, is it working for me? And I'm not saying you want to be swinging from the rafters waving your knickers in the air. I don't necessarily me that. It's just it does it get you here. Um listeners, I'm patting my chest, does it like fire me up? Do I want to spend uh fingers crossed the next however many years in this same situation? Because we don't have to, do we?

SPEAKER_01: 15:07

No, and that's the thing, it's not about massive changes. I mean, for me, what I did was massive, I completely changed a lot, and I'm not saying everyone has to do that, but it is just about listening to yourself and thinking about what you want as a person, and it could even just come down to your style. I mean, at one point, you know, I was like, I felt very bland, I wasn't dressing the way I wanted to dress, I just it didn't feel like me, and even just deciding to start dressing more boldly, like buy some clothes that are a wee bit more colourful, and that was a massive yeah, with me, I'm completely with you.

SPEAKER_00: 15:40

I'm completely with you. It's a huge part of my metamorphosis.

SPEAKER_01: 15:44

Yeah, and you know, it doesn't need to be expensive. You can, you know, charity shops vintage, just buy something that's bold and something that feels like you but you would never normally wear, or wear the lipstick, or like you know, make make an effort sometimes just to feel yourself, even how you dress, because if you look good, you can feel good, and even that could be enough, or find a hobby. So I'm starting to take up the drums again. I played the drums years ago, and um I've decided so I'm starting lessons in January, um, and it's something that's for me, it's my time. I'm gonna go every week for lessons, it's something I used to really love, and I just lost my way with it. So find a hobby, you know, that you really enjoy and dedicate some time every week. That might be enough just to give you that kind of boost where you're feeling like it's not about everyone else as something that you want to do, you know. And you know, I'm in my 40s, but I don't care and I'm wanting to learn the drums again because it's something I really, really enjoy. So, you know, find the hobby that you used to love.

SPEAKER_00: 16:40

You started sales advancing at 55, exactly. And I what I find as well is it it's a really subtle shift, and you don't really notice it to begin with, but you notice it with hindsight, that wonderful thing, hindsight. But you were just talking about, you know, not we're not talking massive investments in star, we're talking about little bits that you can and it's the fun. I love curating from charity shops and stuff. But part of doing that, part of changing your style or unleashing the woman that's there, having a bit of fun, being curious. That is a bit of a starting to put a middle finger up at everyone else. Absolutely. Starting to say, This is me now, sod everything else. This is the woman that I've been suffocating and stifling and looking in the mirror, going, Who on earth are you? I'm now starting to recognise her, and I rather like her. If you don't like her, trot on. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01: 17:39

And that's the thing. I think it's about starting off doing little things where you get a bit more bold, like exposure therapy. So wear something that's maybe not what you would normally have worn, or do something that you wouldn't normally do, and gradually you get more confidence. And I think getting rid of the people pleasing and worrying what other people think, it's a natural thing for us, it's a survival instinct. So to go about that and not care, people think it is really, really difficult. And I think you have to start small and build your way up because your nervous system will react and respond and tell you not to do things and what will people think, and it'll keep pulling you back and pulling you back. But you know, I mean, I'll come on to some tips later, but I think it's really important that you start to show yourself it doesn't matter and wear something really bold, really bright, do something different, get your hair cut in a different style, whatever you want to do, and that helps you to build up where you get this thick skin and you just don't care, you know. But you know, trying to do it all at once, I think can be quite a challenge because your nervous system will just go into meltdown. But I think if you can start that and build up, it can change your whole life. Something like a haircut or a new outfit can actually start the process of changing your whole life.

SPEAKER_00: 18:50

Well, there's that wonderful Coco Chanel quote that I think her actual quote was a woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life. But for me, I kind of twisted it a bit when I when I embraced the grey. A woman who changed because our hair, I mean, my hair is really, really fine, which is why I wear it up a lot. But still, it's one of the first things that people notice about you. I mean, obviously, you've got the most gorgeous Auburn hair flowing lots.

SPEAKER_01: 19:15

But when it starts to go grey, I'll be keeping it grey because I love it. I think your hair's amazing.

SPEAKER_00: 19:19

Oh, thank you. But you can actually, I'm sitting in the light at the moment, you can actually see my scalp through it. But hey, we're rocking.

SPEAKER_01: 19:27

That's what I'll be embracing as well. For sure. I don't dye my hair, it just stays like this just now.

SPEAKER_00: 19:33

But no, I oh it's fabulous. But I say it is, it's about the small changes, and to be honest, sometimes you can think, Oh my goodness, um, I'm being really bold wearing this. Um, and no one else will notice it.

SPEAKER_01: 19:47

Exactly. They're all caught up in their own. They're all caught up in their own things, and that's the thing we all think people are going to notice, they're gonna worry, and you're gonna worry about things, but actually they're too caught up in themselves as well. So I've had a bit of press coverage, I've been in the national press, it was about kind of weight loss and glow-up type stuff from using hypnosis, and um, it was on all the like social media accounts for all the big like the sun, the mirror, all that kind of stuff. And I had a wee look, I know. Um I I remember when it because I I've got a kind of Google notification set up, so when I first noticed it, I thought, oh, I felt sick to my stomach, I couldn't look. I thought, what have I done? This is so bad. And eventually I went in and looked, and there was loads of mixed comments, people positive comments, people emailed me and all that, which was great. But then you get the trolls as well, and I laughed. Like some of the comments actually laughed. And I think if you're sad enough to be sitting making negative comments on social media, I feel sorry for you. And after that, there was just this sort of liberation, it was like, if I can manage that and I don't care about that, I don't care about anything, and it is really like not everyone has to be in the press and get that sort of you know, um, coverage, but it was just seeing some of the negative comments and it didn't bother me. I just thought for well, that's your problem, not mine, and it was such a huge shift for me because I worked um in local government, so I was always very much you had to be careful what you said, what you did. You could I never really did social media before um I left my job, so it was a whole new world for me.

SPEAKER_00: 21:20

But and you've really embraced it. I mean, your whole image, your brand is just superb.

SPEAKER_01: 21:26

I just went for it, yeah. And like getting seeing reading the troll comments and the negativity and stuff like that, and just being able to laugh at it, it just it makes you kind of bulletproof, and you just think, I really just don't care now. Like if they've got a problem, it's their problem, it's not mine. Um, and that's really just helped me in my life now. It was just to care less about what other people say because it does, it holds us back, even sometimes subconsciously, we're not really aware of it, but it's there under the surface, we see it as such a threat that people are going to judge us because women were cave, men and women. You know, if you weren't part of the the tribe, then that's it, you would be eaten. So that's why it's such a kind of like natural thing for us to worry. But if you can get to the point where you don't care about that, get the haircut, wear the lipstick, wear the outfit, you know, go and do what you want, it just kind of snowballs into changing your life, and you just feel so much more free. And I think the midlife point is like the best point for that because you know, you've done all the stuff, you've grown up, and you're in that new phase of life, and you just stuck care and less, haven't we?

SPEAKER_00: 22:30

Yeah, because one thing you mentioned, and congratulations that you're in a new relationship, and that's absolutely brilliant. I love that. Did you feel reticent about saying, right, this is what I want now? Did you worry about oh, other people are going to comment this is you know, this is a huge change, or were you just like, no, this is me. This is part of me saying this is L.

SPEAKER_01: 22:54

It's it's funny because it's 50-50. So, like when I'm out with my girlfriend, see we're holding hands or whatever. I thought you don't mind me asking.

SPEAKER_00: 23:01

I just no, no, not at all.

SPEAKER_01: 23:03

I'm I'm more than happy to talk about it because I am really keen to have that representation out there, and you know, I think sometimes like same-sex relationships have that kind of stereotype. So I think most people who see me, you know, maybe wouldn't think of that right away type thing because of just how I present. I'm very feminine and stuff like that. So when I'm out with my girlfriend, we're holding hands or whatever. Some people like we say we're snapping necks because people get like turn around, they can't believe their eyes, type thing. But other people have been really supportive. Um, but you know, it was more because I was still in my previous career at that point, and I didn't, I chose not to actually be very open about that because I was concerned about people judging me, and there were people in my life as well who did struggle with the change. Like my daughter was absolutely fine with it. That was she was very supportive, but other people in my life, it was more of a challenge, and it has taken quite a while for that now to be accepted, which I found a struggle. I think before you know I came out, I was quite naive that it was you know accepted now. You know, who cares? It's not a big thing when I've actually realised it is still quite a big thing for some people, and I think because obviously I was married to a man before, and then I've sort of changed in my 40s. That that's been the that's been the shocking thing. It's not been.

SPEAKER_00: 24:22

People are like, Were you were you stifling this for all these years, or has it been a shift? Because I think like so many things, our tastes shift. It could be that you know, our sexuality, our our impulses, our our likes, our passions shift as well.

SPEAKER_01: 24:38

Yeah, I mean that that's the thing, and I think it was just becoming more aware of that, and just I suppose I hadn't really thought about it because I'm from like the west coast of Scotland, it's quite a small place that the representation wasn't really there, so I didn't really think about it or anything until I got older, and then I suppose like TikTok and just you know being out and about more well, it is awareness, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00: 25:02

It's it's being more thinking, Well, actually, yeah, I had these feelings, but I didn't actually uh recog recognise what they were. Absolutely, yeah. The feelings were always there, but you just thought they were something else, or you you just put them away and thought, well, that doesn't fit in with what I'm expected to do or how I'm expected to be.

SPEAKER_01: 25:21

Yeah, it was just never on my radar, really, an issue, like back back in the day. And I think you know, if that if I'd always been out, then it wouldn't have been uh people would have just accepted it. But I think it was the big change of like wow, you know, you know people are going to talk, you know, people are going to be shocked, but at that point I was like, I have to like go for what works for me, what makes me happy. So it was quite a big change, and it was daunting to tell people initially. Um, but you know, it's over three years now, so people are sort of used to it, and it's exciting.

SPEAKER_00: 25:54

They're getting used to it, they're getting used to it. Yeah, because there's this brilliant quote from you when we were chatting before, and you said, I thought I don't want the next 40 years to be like the last, and I just think that is that is just wonderful. But what while we've been chatting, something's sprung to mind because there are two words both beginning with B there's brave and there's bold, and I think they're very different words, and I think brave is something that to me is like almost has negative comments. I mean, I people say to me, Oh, you're brave being grey, and I'm like, I don't, but it's a bit of an insult, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01: 26:29

Sometimes you're brave, like people wear a bikini when you do that.

SPEAKER_00: 26:35

Yeah, yeah, and it almost implies you're doing something you shouldn't, and I'm using that word again, you shouldn't be doing. But to me, bold is so much more empowering because it means not only you're doing it, but you're owning it, yeah, you're actually doing it your way. Yeah, and I just thought, oh yeah, brave versus bold. I think that's it.

SPEAKER_01: 26:55

Yeah, but but I think I think bold has connotations of you know, doing things, being proud about it. Brave is like, oh, you shouldn't really be doing it, but you're doing it anyway. Because you see, you hear people saying, Oh, you're brave wearing a bikini, and you think, well, if it was someone else, you probably wouldn't be saying that to them. So it is sometimes can be, you know, I suppose being brave is feeling the fear and doing it anyway, but I suppose bold is more of a kind of positive phrase, but it is about it is about being bold and it is about feeling the fear and doing it anyway, because it's it's the only way to be, I think, or you'll just you'll have regrets, you know. You regret what you did rather than what you didn't do. I think that's the way to live because just having those regrets of wasting all those years is just heartbreaking.

SPEAKER_00: 27:36

I do not want to be sat in a rocking chair, aged 110, thinking, I wish I'd done this, I wish I'd done that. I want to have tried to do it, maybe failed fabulously in the meantime, but at least I tried. Exactly. By failing, yeah, you go.

SPEAKER_01: 27:54

And I was gonna say, I I think that you know, fear of failure puts a lot of people off, but actually, failure's a really good sign. It's a sign that you're growing, it's a sign that you tried, you know. So I think you don't want to fear failure, you want to fear not trying.

SPEAKER_00: 28:07

Yeah. My my take on failure is very much uh failure really boils down to we did something and we didn't get the outcome we thought we were going to get. That's failure. It doesn't mean, as you say, it doesn't mean we didn't do anything. And by not getting the outcome we didn't we we thought we would get, we then get to say, right, why didn't we get that? Was there an external situation that we had no control over, in which case there's nothing we could have done? Or is there something we could have done differently? Because we now we're still standing, our heart's still beating, we've still got this passion. We can try again, but maybe in a slightly different way. Or we can embrace the slightly different outcome that we weren't expecting and go with that instead. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01: 28:54

And that's the thing I think some people are too scared to try something different or to stop. I mean, they'll think, Oh, I'm quitting. But actually, if something's not working, you can just refocus and you know, pivot and do something else. It's not about failing, it's about learning and trying something different, you know. So don't be scared to walk away like people think, oh, you know, I've been and it's not encouraging people to leave their marriages at all, but say you're in a relationship that hasn't worked. You're maybe thinking, well, I've put 15 years into it, I don't want to, you know, quit. And if it's not working, you might have to have that conversation. So it is about um not being scared to quit. Don't see that as failing, but failing is maybe just like you know, trying something different.

SPEAKER_00: 29:33

Well, it is that other I'm I'm coming out with all the quotes today. Now I'm probably gonna get this wrong. I think it's Einstein that said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different outcome. Exactly. Yeah, and it doesn't I don't I think insanity is maybe taking it to a a a a harsh level, but no, that's why change shouldn't. Oh god done it again. We we we must not be scared of change because. If we don't change, you say we can just go round and round and round and round and round and settle and settle and settle. And I love what you say. We're obviously we're leading. I'm loving this, it's kind of synthesizing beautifully. We need a bit of drum behind the synthesizing into your top tips for living boldly. But you're very much mindset isn't enough. We need to bring the bold as well, don't we?

SPEAKER_01: 30:22

Yeah, absolutely. Um, you know, mindset is really important. I think what people maybe don't realise is the life you've got just now is based on your identity. So, how do you see yourself? So you'll see yourself as oh, I'm not very good at that, or I'm good at that, and it often starts in childhood. So if someone says to you when you're a child, oh you're really good at remembering people's names, you then take that on as your identity and you become good at that. Or if someone was oh, you're not very good at maths or whatever, that becomes your identity, so it's like self-fulfilling. Yeah, and we might not even it'll be at a subconscious level, we won't even realise sometimes what we think we're good at and we're bad at, and that's it. And your life today is a result of your identity, how you see yourself, and it's about changing that. So something that works really well is really strong visualization. So when you imagine something vividly, your your body can't tell the difference between something. So you look at like people who are learning the piano, for instance, with no piano, if they close their eyes and imagine it, it's the same neural pathways as if you were actually playing the piano. So, like it's really, really powerful. So, if you can do visualizations of how you want your life to be and really focus on that, I mean, obviously, you know, I would recommend hypnosis as part of that because that helps with that kind of subconscious reprogramming, but you don't even need that, even just to visualize, but we'll use all your senses. What would you hear, what would you smell, what would you feel, what would you do, and really, really see that and and visualize that on a kind of regular basis. That really, really helps to change the neural pathways, it then helps you to kind of change your behaviors, your reactions, your emotions, and that's how you can change your life. So that visualization is really, really important. Also, I think being really clear on what you want and what you don't want. A lot of us don't even know that. We're kind of no, um, this isn't really for me. I wish I had more. But what actually is it that you you like, you don't like, and spend some time doing a sort of life audit and just be saying to yourself, right, like what is it that brings me joy? What did I used to like? You know, and I think our inner child, our inner child is so important. Listen to your inner child, do a bit of inner child work. There's a visualization you can do where you could you would close your eyes, imagine yourself when you were younger, like maybe five, six, whenever you kind of early, early kind of memories are, and go in and revisit yourself and go in and give yourself a hug and just say, I'm here for you, and just be there for them. And it's really emotional. A lot of people cry and stuff like that when they do that. But going back to your inner child and what was it before society making me feel emotional, just remembering what Kate was like then. Uh-huh. And just what has society beaten out of you? What has like what have you learned that you want to unlearn, and what what brings you joy, you know, who are you as a person? And start to do a kind of audit of what you want, and you know, just as importantly, what you don't want in your life, and from that, it's about options and what options do you have. So, you know, you could go and live in a tent. I'm not saying anyone would want to do that, but you know, if you'd really like I hated my job so much, like, and I was so miserable and so stressed. You know, living sleeping on mum and dad's kitchen floor was an option I decided to do that. Yeah, so a bit about that doesn't have to be as dramatic as that, but it's just how you can carve some time out of your week to start doing things that you want to do. Um, boundaries are massive, and we have all these, you know, feelings of guilt, particularly around about family members and even maybe long-term friends we've had that oh, they need your help. You need to remember that people are grown adults and they can deal with themselves. It is not your weight to carry. You know, no is a full sentence. If you don't want to do something, don't do it. If you have a social commitment, you don't want to do and it drains you, you can say no and just get a bit. People think it's being selfish, it's not, it's about kind of self-care. Self-care isn't about painting your nails, putting a face mask on. Self-care is about carving time for you, prioritizing you. It's not selfish, it's essential. So if you're doing things you don't want to do, you know, start gradually. I know it's difficult, but just start saying no, and that's a full sentence you know to make up excuses or reasons, and you know, the guilt will be there initially, but you have to then have those boundaries just to say no and protect your own time because it's so so precious.

SPEAKER_00: 34:49

So I think now as well, it's such well, such a good time of year to actually try that out, isn't it? Because there's so many pressures on our times, and there are going to be lots of things going on that you really don't want to do. Uh-huh. You really don't want to do that.

SPEAKER_01: 35:03

Absolutely. But you've just got to remember other people are grown adults, that is their responsibility if they're not happy with it. If they need help with something that you can't provide, that's their problem. And we we take on other people's problems or parents' problems, and you know, family and friends' problems when actually sorry, you need to deal with that yourself. You're an adult, you know.

SPEAKER_00: 35:22

Let them learn, and again, it's quite quite apt being the festive time of year, we're actually giving them a gift because nine times out of ten, the thing that they're expecting us to do, firstly, we're doing it because we always have done, uh and secondly, they are more than blinking capable of doing it themselves, they just haven't done because we have been there, even probably to begin with. We just barged in because we felt the need to make ourselves feel worthy. It's all part of our own lack of self-worth. I feel worthy because I'm doing this for other people, which makes me needed by them, which makes me a better person. But by taking that step back, we're enabling them and turn around and go, actually, okay, actually, Elle, when you said no to that, the result was I actually did this and I actually feel better about myself.

SPEAKER_01: 36:18

Absolutely. It's that do you remember that advert years ago? If you give someone a fish to leave for a day, if you like teach them how to fish, it's a bit like that. If they then have to do something themselves, you know, then they they become more kind of independent as well. So it's definitely just you know, trying to sort of have those boundaries there because it can be really, really difficult. Um, also, you know, just in terms of stress management, you know, a lot of people aren't aware of how your body works, how your nervous system works. A lot of people are stuck in fight or flight, which is your sympathetic nervous system, and you want to be unrest and digest, you'll notice a huge difference. So then there's kind of quick tips on ways to do that. So I would tell people to Google their vagus nerve. Your vagus nerve runs down from your brain through your heart, your lungs, your gut, all of that, and it impacts on your nervous system and how you you cope with stress. And there's things you can do, like um, I have an ice roller that I roll, I keep in the freezer, get it on you know, Amazon and stuff like that. It's not messy because it's not actually water, it's just like a frozen block that you would roll on your face and your neck. It helps to depuff, but also it helps to tone your vagus nerve. Um, and it can like snap you out a fight or flight. So I do that in the mornings and it's great.

SPEAKER_00: 37:30

So I would recommend like something to put on your Christmas list right now.

SPEAKER_01: 37:34

Absolutely. Get that on your Christmas list. So an ice roller can change the game, roll it on your neck, roll it on your face, and that can snap you out of fight or flight and into your rest and digest nervous system, um, and it helps to tone your vagus nerve. Something else I recommend is singing really loudly or humming as often as you can every day. So that tones your vagus nerve as well. So if you're in the car, you're in the shower, sing really loudly, hum as you go about your day. That helps to kind of activate your vagus nerve as well, and that really helps to switch off stress too. So they're just some easy things you can do. Yeah, but it's it's it's your your nerve, yeah, it tones your nerve, and that's the thing. If your nerves are inflamed or whatever, it can impact on anxiety, stress, you know, all of like your digestion, all sorts of stuff. So if you Google vagus nerve, it's it's huge, it's really, really important to kind of do things massaging your feet as well, even at night time. Massage your feet, that really helps with your vagus nerve too. And then um mouth breathing when you're sleeping is a great so I tape my mouth shut every night, so I'd recommend taping your mouth shut when you're sleeping.

SPEAKER_00: 38:39

You know, I've seen people do that. Well, and you know, and then they do their great reveal in the morning, yeah. And that yeah, what is it about that then? I'd worry so I'd show you.

SPEAKER_01: 38:50

Yeah, so it's important not to completely tape your whole mouth shut, so you can buy special tape, but I would just do it um well, I was just trying to think up and down. It's not hard, uh vertically up and down, just it's it's just medical tape. I just put a strip across so there is a gap at the side. So if you do need to breathe the middle night, you can, but it trains your mouth to stay shut. So that there it just helps with. I used to get really bad night terrors after the heart um thing. I used to wake up in the middle of the night, my heart be pounding, I would be like heavy breathing, and I've mouth taped ever since, and it's changed the game, so it helps with helps with your dental health as well because it stops your mouth getting dried out, but also helps grind. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 39:29

I'm a tooth grinder, uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01: 39:31

And that that shows that you've got there'll be some sort of nervous system things going on with you know, stress, etc. So mouth taping is huge, it really helps you wake up, you'll have your kind of carbon monoxide levels when you're breathing, it levels out as well. So I would encourage nose breathing as much as you can, mouth breathing is just um not good for you. So I would say mouth taping as well as another thing, particularly over the festive period, but all year round, obviously it would help.

SPEAKER_00: 39:59

I don't I don't know.

SPEAKER_01: 40:00

Yeah, it could it could help with snoring as well. Yep, absolutely. Um, obviously, if you get health conditions, I would check with a doctor first. But um, it's definitely a game changer as well. But doing those things and really kind of trying to think about your vagus nerve can really help to calm your your nervous system down. So that's some easy tips that you can fit into your day. I know everyone's busy, but that's the type of thing you could just fit into your day. If you're humming, you're singing, but a face ice rolling in the morning, it can make a huge difference.

SPEAKER_00: 40:28

No, I love some brilliant, brilliant tips there, and so timely because I know you say you know it's about 15 minutes a day to reset, and and that's not a lot of time for ourselves, is it? Really? And you think in the overall scheme of things each day? Now, obviously, anyone listening who would like to get in touch with Elle, we're going to be giving your details at the end of the episode, and they're on the show notes and on your guest profile on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website, Deep Breath. But just going forward, before we go into your three questions, what would be your main piece of advice for anyone listening that's thinking gulp the next three weeks is gonna be manic. I don't want to be losing the plot to be bold, to take time for themselves. I mean, the the phrases I always say is like say it, use it, do it. Stop delaying, stop procrastinating, and don't be afraid to give yourself the gift of me time, really.

SPEAKER_01: 41:27

Yeah, so what I would probably say is is to schedule time in for yourself, put some because we all have diaries, we'll schedule time in for catch-ups, we'll schedule time in for meetings, and they all happen. We make time for brushing our teeth every day, showering, all that kind of stuff. Schedule some me time in and really like spend some time doing an audit. I would just look at where you spend your time at the moment because you know, if you're doom scrolling, if you're just sitting on Netflix, is there something else you could be doing that could be more useful? So I would definitely say schedule some time in every day. And you know, self-care isn't just about face masks and having a bath, it is about doing the hard inside work where you're thinking, where do I want to be, what do I want to do, and focusing on Christmas, have an audit of what your plans are, where you're going, what you're doing, and if you can trim that down, if you can streamline that and you just can say no to a few things as well, that will be huge because you do need time to recharge, particularly over Christmas, and just you know, have kind of I don't want to say lower expectations, but just have things that are more manageable. People want to spend time with you. It's not about how, as you were saying, Kate, how the bows are tied or how the Christmas table's set up, it's about how you made them feel and and try and get it set up so you have more time with people. That's all they want. And instead of spending money on all the decorations, spend time on a board game and play a board game, have a laugh together, and have those memories you're going to cherish, you know.

SPEAKER_00: 42:50

That is what I'm so looking forward to because this this year, my my boy, my boy whose birthday next week, he's moved out out, big gulp, not just empty nesting, he moved out out, he's now living in London with his wonderful girlfriend. But I can't wait. Yeah, it's gonna be ball games. I don't care what the presents are, I don't care what we eat, although Finlay is a fabulous cook. Um, I don't care what we eat, but it's just gonna be those precious moments of laughter and me cheating at board games and having a laugh and singing carols and going to see my dad and mum, you know, all that kind of stuff. It really is. That's gonna be the best thing for me.

SPEAKER_01: 43:29

Uh-huh. Well, that's great. Well, and I think that's what it's all about at the end of the day. And we sometimes lose sight of that because you see all the adverts and you see all the social media posts. It's not about that, it's about getting time together and creating memories. So prioritize that, and who cares about how your table's set out, really? I mean, that's you know, not important.

SPEAKER_00: 43:50

Gone it, gone out. Well, no, no, no, I might I might put a bit of sparkle. It'll look gorgeous, it'll look gorgeous. I'll look gorgeous, obviously.

SPEAKER_01: 43:57

Absolutely, but I love a bit of sparkle.

SPEAKER_00: 44:00

I love sparkle all year round. Oh, I do, I do. I can't resist. I'm even I'm even wearing sparkle today. I've got my little glittery stars on my cardigan. Well, obviously, we're gonna go into your three questions now, and I'm intrigued now because you've mentioned you're gonna be taking up the drums again, and I love that, I absolutely love that. And I your first question is what is your midlife anthem? So, does it have a big drum solo in it? That's what I want to know.

SPEAKER_01: 44:26

It doesn't actually, but I've started listening to all my favourite drum music again. But in terms of my anthem for like the kind of motivation and the midlife anthem, is um titanium by Sia. Oh, I don't know if you know that song, and it's very much about being bulletproof and you can fire away, but you know, it'll ricochet. I love that idea of like I've got nothing to lose, go for it, and I'm titanium. Like, I love that, so it's that really like positive.

SPEAKER_00: 44:53

You shoot me down, but I won't fall. Yeah, yeah, I am titanium. Yeah, so I just remember it was a hit, it was a hit when my son was still at school, so it very reminds me of school runs. It was always on the radio.

SPEAKER_01: 45:04

I honored in the car, yeah. I just I love that message, and it's just so uplifting. So if you're feeling a bit down or you've got to do something that you're dreading, play that tune, and it will definitely give you the motivation. So that's my anthem.

SPEAKER_00: 45:17

Oh genius, genius, I love that. So now I'm all fired up. What is your midlife mantra? The phrase that you live your midlife, but this is gonna be good listening.

SPEAKER_01: 45:29

So I have this tattooed in my because I've got a lot of tattoos, and I this is tattooed in my ankles, so it's I wonder what you're gonna say then, yeah. So it's on my bottom, yeah. No, it's on my ankles, some it's actually somewhere so that I can see it often, and other people ask me about it, and it sparks conversation. So it's a stoic phrase, it's Latin, it's a stoic phrase, momentum, which means remember you must die. And it does sound a bit morbid, but it's actually a motivational thing, like stop being so petty. You this is your one and only life, like you are going to die. Like we we in our heads sometimes think we're gonna live forever and everything matters, and it doesn't. So, momentum mori, remember you must die, and it's it is a positive uplifting thing, and it's just that reminder that you you only have one life, and so many of us live like we're gonna be here forever, and you know, we care too much about the minutiae, and we need to just switch it and just remember that every day, it's the only time we're gonna have today. Why are we wasting it on other people's opinions and trying to please other people? So, momentum morre is my brilliant, just for putting it in perspective.

SPEAKER_00: 46:36

Why are we getting so upset? Why are we stressing about something? Why are we letting it rob, as you say, yeah, rob seconds? Don't let it rob a second of your vital time. Yeah, oh I'm feeling powerful. I'm feeling powerful now, right? So, the final question before we go into your contact details what is the title of your autobiography?

SPEAKER_01: 47:02

So I thought about this and I would have I did it my way because I just feel like I've like my mum says that I'm an enigma sometimes, she doesn't know what's going to happen next. Uh, because I come home, I've got all the new tattoos, girlfriend quit my job, you know, all that stuff, like completely like doing it my way. That's just not how most people live their life. So I just thought that would be quite a good title because this is it's your one life, and I'm living it in my way. It's not how society says you should live, but that's just how I'm how I'm doing it. So I did it my way.

SPEAKER_00: 47:37

Brilliant, brilliant, bold. Here's to being bold, yes, exactly. Bold. Oh, I love this. I love this. So, Elle, as promised, all your details are in the show notes and on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website where you've got your guest profile. But could you just verbally talk us through how listeners can connect with you, please?

SPEAKER_01: 47:59

Sure. So I've got a website which is lk.co.uk, you'll have the links, you know, on all the show notes, etc. I've got a freebie, and people can go on there, fill in their email address, I'll email over a freebie. So I've developed a quiz that people can do so they can find out what their spice level is currently in their life, and then there's some kind of instant and personalized feedback depending on your score. So I've done that, and then I've also developed a playbook, a red hot playbook for a red hot life, and it talks about how you manifest, you know, how you because obviously I've kind of got a diploma in behavioral neuroscience, so neuroscience-backed tips and you know how to sort of chase the life you want. So there's the free quiz and the free playbook via my website. I'm also on Instagram, which is hey underscore L underscore K. So post you know stuff there as well, and there's links to everything I do within Instagram as well.

SPEAKER_00: 48:52

Excellent, excellent. Go and connect with L and me. Well, I'd love your feedback on today's episode. Are you feeling fabulously festive and bold? Um, yeah, so leave a review, or you can email me or text me via the link in the show notes. Um, come and join the Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook group. Again, the link's there, and there's the link to the website. Well, obviously, you'll find all the guest profiles and details of my exclusive uh VIP coaching offers, including one-to-one pop your podcast cherry. Yes, you heard that right. So, thank you for joining me today. It's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you. Brilliant. I've loved it, I've loved it. And thank you for listening. I look forward to you tuning in next week because don't forget Midlife Unlimited has a new episode every Thursday available wherever you listen to your podcasts. So here's to being fabulous and flourishing together and living midlife unlimited. Thanks, El, it's been brilliant.