Episode #047 How to Surprise Yourself as a Midlife Woman with Guest Helen Davis

How often do you talk yourself out of doing something? You’re too old. Too unfit? You’ve got too little time… It’s the same old, same old excuses. You’re on that overly familiar and rather tiring hamster wheel or recycling your behaviour – because you’ve always done it that way.

And if it ain’t broke and all that. And what would everyone think if you stopped conforming?

Reality check time! You’re at risk of boring yourself by being predictable.

So if you’re tired of thinking “Is this it…?”, then this episode is just for you.

Take some vital Me Time and join your host Kate Porter The Midlife Metamorphosis Coach® and her guest Founder of One Step Forward Helen Davis for Episode 047 as they talk about How to Surprise Yourself as a Midlife Woman. 

Helen and Kate are advocates of Midlife being a great time to stop making excuses to yourself and shake things up a bit. And the pair discuss in this episode how now is a good chance to set ourselves some small steps to create a big impact in the weeks leading up to Christmas.

They also ponder the popular excuse when it comes to leaping out of our comfort zone and trying new things… not having anyone to do this thing with! And Helen and Kate give insights for how to fall in love with our own company.

Helen shares her metamorphosis story from blockbusters via burnout, to bones, and explains how she now values progress over perfection when setting herself challenges and celebrating her results. And she reveals her top lessons learned for surprising ourselves in Midlife and beyond. 

Connect with Helen

https://www.onestepforward.today

https://www.facebook.com/onestepforward.hd

https://www.instagram.com/onestepforward.today/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/helen-davis-onestepforward/

www.onestepforward.today/events

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

Welcome to Midlife Unlimited, the podcast for women who want more. I'm your host, Kate Porter, the Midlife Metamorphosis Coach, and I know what it's like to feel stuck navigating the midlife maze. I've looked in the mirror and thought, who is that woman? So Midlife Unlimited is here to let you know you are not alone. You don't have to put on a is all about ripping off that mask and telling midlife like it really is. Nothing is off limits because together there's no limit to what we can achieve. So, welcome to today's episode. Now, how often do you talk yourself out of doing something? You're too old, too unfit, you've got too little time. It's the same old, same old. The overly familiar and rather tiring hamster wheel of recycling your behaviour. Because you've always done it that way. If it ain't broke and all that. And what would everyone think if you stopped conforming? Well, it's reality check time. You're at risk of boring yourself by being predictable. So if you're tired of thinking, is this it? Then this episode is just for you. Because I'm delighted to be joined by my guest today, Helen Davis from Founder of One Step Forward, to talk about how to surprise yourself as a midlife woman. So welcome, Helen. It's fabulous to have you here. It's wonderful to be here, Kate. Now that little phrase, those three words, is this it? I hear that again and again, because we want more, don't we? We really do. And I think often though, and we slip into it, and I don't like the word guilt and I definitely don't like the word should but we make excuses to ourselves don't we we perhaps look to blame not other people necessarily but circumstances and and all that whole I mean I was talking with Wendy in a few episodes ago the whole busyness syndrome oh I'm far too busy as we said I haven't got time or another one I've got no one to do it with and I don't mean I mean whatever whatever it is that's on our little to-do to-da list let's go and loan, eh? Absolutely. It's

SPEAKER_02: 2:33

something that's really hard to learn, but when you do learn it, it's so liberating.

SPEAKER_00: 2:39

Absolutely. And I find again and again, midlife, it's quite a good time to get used to your own company. And I don't mean that in a morbid way. You know, it's a huge part of self-love, which I'm all about. If we can't spend time and enjoy that time in our own company, then how on earth can we expect anyone else to want to be with us.

SPEAKER_02: 3:02

Yeah, it's so true. It's so true. And it's, I mean, I've always thought I was pretty good at enjoying my own company, but I've definitely got better at it over the last few years.

SPEAKER_00: 3:10

Midlife, it's a time of assessing relationships, friendships, and so often we almost out of fear are holding on to relationships and friendships that have really run their course. So I think part of surprising ourselves could be, for starters, actually taking stuff having a bit of a self-stock take and thinking, does this still work for me? Is it still serving me? Is it

SPEAKER_02: 3:39

lighting me up? Absolutely. And I think when we start asking ourselves that, that's when we start becoming more discerning and that's when we get to that point of being able to go, well, would I honestly rather do this, be here, be with this person on whatever level than doing it

SPEAKER_00: 3:56

on my own? Absolutely. So I think the changing season, obviously we're well into autumn now so I think this is a good time to shake things up like the falling leaves being shaken off the trees and start setting not big goals not massive goals because you're like me you're all about taking the small and a lot of this is going to come into your story that you're going to share in a minute I'm really excited about that but the small steps celebrating the small wins because obviously we're going to start talking about the c word and I mean Christmas not anything else but now we've still got time to to take some small steps and really surprise ourselves in the coming weeks, haven't we? And later on, you're going to be sharing your top tips and insights for how to surprise ourselves. But first, can we delve more into who is Helen, your metamorphosis journey and the surprises that you've brought yourself over that time? So you've had a bit of a life shift, haven't you? Where you are now? Absolutely. Absolutely. From blockbusters to bones, is that fair to

SPEAKER_02: 5:04

say? Yeah, that's a nice little tagline, definitely. I mean, I've been thinking about this and we're looking at sort of moving into midlife. When I went into my 40s, I was happily married, child free by choice, had a great career. I was a business analyst. I was 15 plus years into that career. I built a niche for myself, analysing in the entertainment I was there when DVDs were launched, Blu-ray was launched. It was a growing business and I had a global niche. I was talking at conferences. I was pushing together data and forecasts. I was very used to being called for comments by the press. And yeah, I was good at what I did, but I knew it didn't light me up even then. And most of my colleagues in that sector were passionate about it. passionate about the industry, the entertainment industry. And I really wasn't. I'd fallen into this, you know, over the years. But it happens, doesn't it? It happens so often. Exactly. Exactly. And I knew it wasn't something I was passionate about. But I also was in that position of not being able to see what my transferable skills were. I mean, it's laughable now when I look back, but I just couldn't think what else I could possibly do. And so I carried on. And it was a highly stressful job. Very unusually because I'd been part of a very small boutique firm that had grown and grown into a global consultancy but we started off being just half a dozen of us and we didn't even have an office so I actually worked from home since the early 1990s and that's actually part of this because I went into the office one day a week and by this by you know by my 40s I was in my mid-40s I had a team I was managing but I only went in as I say one day a week the rest was done remotely and of course this is before the days of uh video calls we just started getting text messaging on the computer which was like a massive breakthrough because you didn't actually have to phone someone every time you had a small question I mean it's crazy isn't it just as an aside to think you know it started my career we didn't have even have email in the internet so I mean

SPEAKER_00: 7:18

absolutely

SPEAKER_02: 7:19

so yeah so I went it was in my 40s I'd been thinking for a long time that I didn't want to do this for the next 20 years say um but what on earth was I going to do instead And with hindsight, of course, I'm now realising that I then went straight into perimenopause. But because I didn't have hot flushes at that point, it didn't occur to me that that's what it was. Actually, that's not quite true. I knew I was in perimenopause because I had chronic migraines and I used to go to an acupuncturist and she said, I think you might be coming into menopause. Ask your GP to test your blood. So my GTP tested my blood, said, yes, you're probably in perimenopause. menopause this was in my early 40s so it's quite early do you want HRT and I said no thank you very much um as far as I was concerned it was all about trying to stay young um I was was and I'm too much of a feminist for that aspect of it and as far as I was concerned I hadn't got symptoms yeah having hot flushes so never thought any more about it but what happened over the next few years looking back is that physically mentally and emotionally I started spiraling down downwards I was getting low level, I mean, my migraines were completely chronic and actually I was dependent on the drugs that allowed me to keep functioning. So that was a thing, again, I wasn't realizing at the time. I was getting low level infections. Every winter I would get a throat infection that would require antibiotics, which was something I didn't like taking, but if I didn't, I was gonna be really ill. And emotionally, and this is where the working from home becomes relevant, I could have a call or do something that was stressing me out end up in tears, go and have a cry on my bed for half an hour, get back to the computer and nobody knew. If I'd been in the office or even perhaps on video calls, people might have picked up on it, but nobody had any idea. So I was spiralling, but I didn't realise because it was so gradual.

SPEAKER_00: 9:20

And also it seems at the time that that was a benefit, but in actual fact, it was the absolute opposite because if people had seen how you were really feeling behind the mask behind the ultra professional oh my god we're going to go for Helen for this for that no if they'd actually seen what was really going on who knows who knows but hindsight

SPEAKER_02: 9:43

absolutely and of course on the days I was in the office I also worked as so many of us have done in a very male environment so you know trying to keep that facade I mean my immediate boss who is a friend to this day was was great and he was quite used to me every now and again bursting his tears on him But he had no idea that that was actually not just once in a blue moon.

SPEAKER_00: 10:06

That was the ice. Yeah,

SPEAKER_02: 10:08

exactly. And then what happened? And it was April 2012. I came down with a flu like virus that I simply couldn't shake off. And after a week or so, when I realized I was expecting to have been back at my desk by that point, and I really couldn't be. My husband had actually just left the country for a six week business trip. So it was me and the dog. And I took the dog for a walk that day with a friend actually. And we went on a very gentle walk because I wasn't feeling great. I got home and I vividly remember lying on my bed in tears. And I was saying out loud, I can't do it anymore. I just can't do it anymore. And I didn't even know what it was. And I'm choking up just remembering

SPEAKER_00: 10:55

it now. It's such a vivid memory.

SPEAKER_02: 10:58

And I rang my mother who lived 10 minutes from me. drive away and she said can you get here and I thought and I said no

SPEAKER_01: 11:06

yeah

SPEAKER_02: 11:06

don't trust myself to drive I can't drive and she came over and scooped me and the dog up and took us home and she and my stepfather were incredible and they looked after me until my husband came back by which point I got through the very worst of it but by that point I can't remember the exact timeline but by that point I think I had been you know everything else had been ruled out and I'd been diagnosed with post-viral fatigue and which is just because I had a virus, that's what it was called. Without a virus, it might have been diagnosed in, I believe, as ME or as possibly fibromyalgia, although I didn't have the joint pain that tends to characterize that. But the bottom line was, we don't know what's wrong with you, but we believe there's something wrong with you. And of course, that's a huge step forward from five, 10 years previously when it would have just been, there's nothing wrong with you. And it's interesting because we'll come on to all the things I do now, but I I had a very powerful introduction to the power of suggestion at that point, because the wonderful GP I went to, who hadn't been my regular GP, because I didn't have such a thing, but she became my regular GP. And when she delivered the news that this was the syndrome, she looked me in the eye and she said, I promise you, you will get better. I can't tell you when, but you will get better. Now, if she'd looked at me and said, I'm so sorry. you've got chronic fatigue or ME or whatever, there is no cure. All you can hope to do is manage it for the rest of your life. I think my story would have been very different. And even then, so this all happened two weeks before the biggest event of my working year, a conference that I'd been helping organize for years and years and years. And I just disappeared. I didn't work at all for 18 months. I then spent two and a half years building up in 15 minute increments to being able to do a halftime naughty version of it wasn't even my job it was a job in my department which by this point was being run by my previous number two who did a fantastic job picking up the pieces and during that period I started you know I'd asked for help by ringing my mother and I'd asked for help without knowing that's what I was doing to the universe and help started showing up and through various ways I was introduced to an incredible hypnotherapist based in London. And she in turn, no, the same person who led me to her also mentioned a really good osteopath. And I started working with both of them. And I also a few months later, I started attending a remedial yoga class run by the teacher of my yoga teacher because I've been attending classes. I mean, I was that person who screeched into a yoga class at 28 and a half minutes past seven, put my mat down and went, oh, that's better. And at the end, done that, tick, what's next?

SPEAKER_00: 14:05

Yes, yes. The whole benefit. Yeah, you did it. Yeah, absolutely. Well, that's part of it. You know, you surprised yourself. You were there, as you said. Exactly. You were in the moment for the moment.

SPEAKER_02: 14:18

Exactly. And it often fell on the days when I was in London. And so I would leave, you know, the trains went every 30 minutes and I would leave it till the last possible train so I could whiz down from Camden to Waterloo on the tube, get the train, screech into the yoga class and just make it because I felt like that happened now. I had to be in the office for that extra half an hour. It's just like now it's so alien to who I have become.

SPEAKER_00: 14:41

We were saying at the beginning about the whole business syndrome, isn't it? It's that fear of... Well, not necessarily fear of judgment, but that whole... you think you have to be doing stuff to obviously feel worthy to yourself absolutely and I think what everyone else is thinking it's like oh to be good enough to be enough I need to be doing this I need to be pushing myself to absolute I'm not saying you pushed yourself to burn out but you know I have to be yeah I have to be frazzled I have to be the last in the first no wrong way around no see I'm having a

SPEAKER_02: 15:15

little epiphany moment right now and it was it was all so dealing with my own imposter syndrome because I felt that I had to be proving I knew my subject I mean I remember I remember standing on a conference platform once and I had you know talking of epiphany moments and someone asked me a question from the audience and I didn't know the answer and I suddenly realized that instead of going oh my goodness I'm a failure I don't know the answer I thought uh not quite so coherently but I basically thought I know so much about my subject that if I don't know the answer to this there's a pretty strong chance that no one else does And so I was able to say, actually, that's a great question. I don't know. Does anyone else in the room know the answer? And no one did.

SPEAKER_00: 15:56

And it's having the confidence to actually do it that way as well, as you say, rather than going into meltdown and thinking, oh, Pudge, I don't know. No one's going to invite me back.

SPEAKER_02: 16:08

Absolutely. That was a huge thing for me. So as I say, it was basically a five-year period from getting ill. And during that period, I was working particularly with with Sharon Waxcoach, this amazing hypnotherapist. And... I think even prior to that, somewhere in the back of my mind, there'd been this idea that I wonder if I could do something in the therapy field. I remember briefly once looking up what's involved in becoming an acupuncturist because I was so interested and impressed. And it was the training that I, the proper training that I looked up was effectively another degree. And I was like, no, I'm not interested in doing

SPEAKER_00: 16:48

that much work. But it started to awaken those questions, hadn't it? Exactly. You were like starting to, well, surprise yourself by thinking, right, What is available? And I would have thought one of my favourite words, I talk about words I don't like, but the three-letter word yet is so powerful in this kind of situation, isn't it? Right, you know, I want to get from A to B. What do I need to do? I know I can't do it now, but by saying yet, doesn't it open up all the wonderful opportunities? And also, who do I need to speak to? Yes, yes, in terms of nuts and bolts of qualifications and training. But it's not just that, is it? It's what opportunities are out there? Who can I learn from? What conversations can I have? But what's so interesting was

SPEAKER_02: 17:30

with that decision, and okay, admittedly, I didn't have a lot of energy to do things like research, but I didn't research it at all. I just went, okay, where did she train? That's where I'll go. Wow,

SPEAKER_00: 17:40

just had that feeling.

SPEAKER_02: 17:41

And I've absolutely fell on my feet because the training I did is not very well known, but is extremely good. I trained with someone called Dr. John Butler, who's a fantastic hypnotherapist. And what was so interesting, bearing in mind that at this point I could barely do you know an hour or two's work of my old job at home a day over the course of so we're a couple of years on now 2014 late 2014 to early 2015 I did my hip therapy training which involved traveling to London I stayed up in London for a week in an Airbnb Monday to Saturday so six days nine till six in a physical room with a practicing learning. And I was able to do that. And yet I literally genuinely couldn't do more than a few hours sitting at the computer doing my old work. It wasn't, it wasn't mindset, it was something far deeper. And the very first day, so October 2014 day, the specific day, I'm not normally a date focused person, but these dates are engraved in my mind. Yeah, October 2014, I was sitting in that center London hotel with a group of people I'd never met in my life before and I had this absolutely unequivocal feeling I am in exactly the right place doing exactly what I meant to be doing and I can categorically say that had never ever happened to me before

SPEAKER_00: 19:12

because you'd listened to yourself to

SPEAKER_02: 19:13

myself and what I realized over the next few years was that the reason I had never listened to myself before was that I didn't even know who I was I'd been such a people pleaser I'd spent my whole life taking the next logical step, doing what I thought other people expected of me, irrespective of whether that actually was what they expected of me. But my, you know, my self-talk was that as long as everybody else is happy and I'm doing what's expected.

SPEAKER_00: 19:39

You seem to be doing the right thing. And I'm doing little air quotes here, isn't it? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 19:44

And it was the beginning of my starting to learn that there's a whole new way of looking at life. And that came through working with Sharon and the very slow, very gentle work that we did together. which wasn't standard hypnotherapy in many ways because that's not what I needed. What I needed was someone who would hold my hand and help me find my way forward. And so early 2015, I qualified as a clinical hypnotherapist. I then went on and over the next three years, I trained as a Scaravelli-inspired yoga teacher, so slow, mindful yoga, despite the fact that I easily told and tell people that I don't bend. I then realised being a not bendy yoga teacher is actually a real benefit, because if you're a hypermobile yoga teacher, which an awful lot of them are, then your students always feel they're not as good as you. But if you're sitting on the floor, as far as I can go, but you might be able to do more.

SPEAKER_00: 20:41

I think for a lot of the people that inclusivity, isn't it? Yes, it's wonderful to see someone bending themselves double and aspiring to that. But for us mere mortals, that can't be. And that's

SPEAKER_02: 20:56

not what yoga is about. And the way I trained and the way I taught yoga is a way of life. Yoga is a philosophy. The process, the movements, the postures are simply there to help you be able to meditate.

SPEAKER_00: 21:08

Yeah,

SPEAKER_02: 21:11

no, I think that gets forgotten quite a lot. and I always knew that they were two sides of the same coin they'd been two sides of the coin that had healed me and helped me recover and it but I was trying to express that and it was really difficult because other people couldn't see it it's like well they're two different things and people were even saying well should you have two different businesses it's like no no it's all part of the same thing so yeah for me it was always they were always the same the two the two sides it was always one business and I always resisted any suggestion to separate them but it was it was difficult because knowing how to promote them and all the rest of it was a struggle and of course I was still having to pace myself I still couldn't do a huge amount of work and in fact at that point I was I'd also just started um well actually the previous year I'd gone back on a half-time basis to my previous job because you know practical thing to do literally was the juggle

SPEAKER_00: 22:15

was yeah to have a bit of

SPEAKER_02: 22:16

income coming in but what was so interesting was I did that and again it was a I was doing it from home I had I was working on things that were nice to haves for the company I wasn't really working on anything important and I knew that and they knew that but after six months I was signed off sick again and it was like okay this is I cannot do this I physically cannot do this job anymore and I was very lucky that that all coincided with a period of redundancies so because I'd been on long-term sick leave so obviously they couldn't make me redundant but I could ask for it so yeah I was very lucky and I was able to get redundancy and since then I I've been working for myself as a clinical hypnotherapist. But there was another twist to come.

SPEAKER_00: 23:00

I was going to say, it hasn't been plain sailing. And when you were talking earlier about holding hands, hands did play quite a big part in it, didn't they? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 23:07

So again, timing is weird. Almost exactly 10 years to the month. In fact, it was. It was April 2022, 10 years to the month after I got ill. I had a ridiculous fall. I always call it that at home. I trod on the other leg of my trousers while I was walking too far. I've done that though. It's

SPEAKER_00: 23:26

so easy. I turn round when you come downstairs and you catch it, especially if you're wearing like tracky dad type trousers in the morning. It was

SPEAKER_02: 23:34

Sunday evening. I was wearing sloppy trousers. Do you know the funny thing is every woman I tell this story goes, recognises it. There's that recognition. Tell it to a man and they go, you did what? No,

SPEAKER_00: 23:46

absolutely. I've come within a hair's breadth of doing exactly this. So sorry, I've interrupted. No, not at all. hideous with hideous results yes so

SPEAKER_02: 23:57

basically i was walking a bit too fast through a doorway so there was nowhere to go left or right and i effectively tied my feet together crashed to the floor threw my arms out in front of me as you do and i managed to break both my wrists i'm alone in the house because i'm by this point i haven't even mentioned this but during that five-year recovery period i'd also got divorced

SPEAKER_00: 24:17

yeah you still got a dog

SPEAKER_02: 24:19

dog was with me yes

SPEAKER_00: 24:21

it's very much yeah phew we still got the dog she was thought

SPEAKER_02: 24:23

she was the non negotiable in the divorce. Everything else was up for grabs. So amicably divorced, living alone, Sunday evening, me and the dog. And actually the dog was key to this as well, because I realized that this was not something I could just go to bed and see how I felt in the morning. I needed to call an ambulance, which meant I was going to be taken away, which meant what happens to the dog. So I had to be able to focus. And this is where my hypnotherapy skills came in, because the training The training I did covered not only sort of mainstream hypnotherapy that people think of, but also we did a lot of work on medical hypnosis, analgesia and anesthesia, which is why one of the things I specialize in these days is working with people who want to turbocharge their mind-body connection about how I think is affecting their physical symptoms. So in that moment, I was able to use all my hypnotherapy skills to make sure I didn't go into shock. to bring my body out of the fight and flight response and into the parasympathetic nervous system response, I was literally able to numb my arms from the elbow down so that I wasn't feeling pain. And that was all things I'd been training for for years. And this was the moment I had to use them. And so I was able to do the things I had to do, think about who to call, call those people, a hypnotherapist friend who I'd done my training with, who was not UK based, who I was a to be talking to you that evening anyway so I rang her and said I need your help I've been talking to myself I need you to take over for a bit and then I was also able to think right who do I know who lives near enough who will be able to look after the dog for me and called that friend and yeah the next I was taken off to hospital I had surgery on both wrists um had plates put in and that was a blessing because that meant I only had to been cast for two weeks rather than six they wouldn't release me to live at home on my own so I yet again my parents stepped up um and they looked after me um for those two weeks and after two weeks I went back and I had my cast taken off the um I was I was determined to go back home and I did so I moved home with the dog still and you know again I had friends who were amazing they'd come and hang my washing for me it's all the little practicalities that you don't think about I remember standing on a neighbor's doorstep one evening with a jar saying please could you open this for me I think when you only break one wrist, it takes a lot longer to recover because you favor it instinctively. You protect it. I mean, I did do exercises, but it was both of them. I had to use them. And I also did use a huge amount of self-hypnosis to support my healing. And when I was signed off by the surgeon after seven weeks, he actually signed me off without a physio referral because I didn't need one. And I think that's partly the work I'd done for myself, both physical and mental. But I also think it's the fact that because there were two of them, I just had to get on with things. And I was so determined to stay independent. So immediately after breaking my wrists, I thought, right, I can do this. At the time, I was teaching yoga online. I thought, I don't need to demonstrate. I can teach my classes online. I can see my hidden therapy clients online. I got very used to all of that through COVID. Once I'm back home, I'll just get on with work. What actually happened was that a month almost exactly after I broke my wrists, I lost my dog and she was 15 by this point but I thought I had another year with her it all happened very quickly it was completely devastating that was the thing that just took the rug out and this is where I'm going to lose it took the rug out from under my feet And I just had... What was her name? She was called Muppet. She was a little pastel terrier, black and white terrier. And she was my best friend.

SPEAKER_00: 28:19

I completely empathise. We've got our little Dexter who's rising 14, almost blind, but...

SPEAKER_02: 28:27

She was amazing. She was, I mean, this is, it was, the reason it was such a shock was that even at that stage, I mean, well, put it this way, three days before I finally made the decision to let her go, we'd done a three mile walk into town and back. and she was she was she was she'd lost she was we think she had a brain tumour because there were things that so she was fine and then she wasn't and then she was fine and then she wasn't and she'd lose me on walks I'd had her wearing a fluorescent jacket for a while because if I that meant I could see her because she would sometimes look at look away and then look up and see the wrong person and hair off across to find them and then get terribly confused but she wasn't old old if you know what I mean so it was a It was a very hard decision, and I know it was the right decision. Over the years, we have an amazing holistic vet here where I live, and she's become a very close personal friend over the years, and so she supported me through all of that. And actually, I was able to bring Muppet home, and my vet friend, Mar, came and did the deed here. And it was beautiful, you know, given that we knew it was the right thing at that point, it was. But it was totally devastating. And I ended up not working for three months around that time because I just couldn't. And I had to come through that whole healing process physically, mentally and emotionally, which is something I talk about all the time. And then just as I was emerging for that, we're now at the end of August. I'd been called in for a DEXA scan, a bone density scan, because being a woman in my 50s who'd broken a bone or two um that's what they do i was absolutely convinced it was a formality and by the end of august the results came through and i didn't so i was so convinced it was a formality it didn't even occur to me that the fact they'd said they were phoning me with my results was a problem was an issue and the nurse rang me and said um your results are in the region of osteoporosis i was 56 and I was fitter and healthier than I'd ever been in my life because I'm not a natural athlete. And I was making half my living as a yoga teacher. It was just utterly devastating. And I cried again for about a week. And then I started researching and I researched the hell out of osteoporosis. I had already, the nurses thing, well, I talked about the power of suggestion earlier on, obviously having trained as a therapist, I am super aware of it. Two things the nurse said to me on that call. One thing she said three times in one phone call, you can't improve bone density. You can only hope it doesn't get worse. And I immediately thought i'm not accepting that suggestion i am in the process of building bones in my wrists as they heal i just i'm not going to take that on board yeah and the other thing she said was the biggest indicator of falling in the future is having fallen in the past now statistically she's correct again i spent 20 years doing data and data analysis and statistics i understand how they work and i understand statistics can say whatever you want them to say Oh, tweak them. If we spend our lives thinking I might fall over, our whole system is

SPEAKER_00: 32:16

focused. Well, it's like me. The minute we get ice, I lose the ability to walk properly. I suddenly turn into a penguin. And I'm like, oh, like some, literally. And of course, touch wood, I don't very often. But the obvious outcome of that is you're going to fall over because you're walking. You're not

SPEAKER_02: 32:38

walking properly. And it's even deeper than that. So this is one of the things I say to my clients all the time. You know, you can talk about manifestation or law of attraction or whatever you want, or you can make it really basic and scientific. The fact is our whole system is designed to turn our ideas into facts, whether that's saying, I want to pick up this glass of water. Our brain has to imagine doing it in order for the muscles to move, whether it's the Wright brothers creating an airplane, you know, something completely ridiculous machine that can fly. Everything we do starts as an idea. And therefore every idea we have or every thought we have has some kind of an impact and so if our thought is I mustn't fall over the system is hearing fall over because it doesn't understand a negative if I tell you the old

SPEAKER_00: 33:24

one and it's also calling on previous evidence which was falling over and say yeah and say well I'm capable of falling over so that means that there's a high chance that if I'm trying not to fall over I will fall over plus

SPEAKER_02: 33:39

if I say to you whatever you do don't think about a pink elephant The negative is irrelevant. All you think about is a pink elephant. So if you say to yourself, I mustn't fall over, your whole system is focused on falling over and you are actually increasing the chances of it happening.

SPEAKER_00: 33:53

No, absolutely. And that ties, I mean, I'm all about mindset. I love, and I always talk a lot about challenging negative thoughts. And this is literally that in action, isn't it? The changing of, I can't, I can't do that. Or this, this bad thing is going to happen. The reframing. framing but I think it would be nice to start shifting more as well into obviously you surprised yourself in nuts and bolts terms by your recovery and And by having such a diagnosis, is that the right word for osteoporosis, that could have turned your life to complete shit in terms of, you could have thought, right, no more then, I can't do this, the risk is too high if I do this, as you said. How? Was there an element of surprising yourself, being open to the unexpected, thinking, well, I would say what's the worst that can happen, but what's the worst that can happen? as you fall over and break your hip. How do you come back? And can we go perhaps into your insights and tips? Lessons learned from all of this that will be invaluable to our listeners. And I will point out as well, hopefully when we come out, it's not that chilly yet. I know I'm playing devil's advocate here. But for example, icy weather is on the way. Penguin Kate will be out and forth So, top tips, over to you. So,

SPEAKER_02: 35:31

yeah, I think to explain where my tips come from, I just briefly need to explain what happened when I started doing my research because... Oh, sorry, I talked on you. Go for it, yeah. The thing that I found, yeah, all the tips that I want to share actually all come out of what I discovered when I started doing my research because I made a decision and not everybody would make the same decision but I made a decision having looked into it that I didn't want to take the drugs that were being recommended for bone density um there's obviously lots of viewpoints around that but I knew I had to do something I wasn't going to just sit there and crumble and my research led me to a program called bones for life which obviously pricked my interest um yeah and again you know I said before when I asked for help help showed up so I heard about bones for life in September I did a free online course class in it and thought immediately I need to be doing this and I need to be teaching it carried on researching found the only person in the UK who is currently training teachers in that program who runs a two-year program and her next program we're probably October by now her next program was starting in January so I joined it and so within six months I had learned enough with her blessing to start sharing it myself and I actually ended up creating an online course which I was because because I hadn't found any way to just try it for myself you had to just sign up for a huge great course so I created a an online course and I've been and I'm still I finished the teacher training October last year 2024 and I'm still training I'm doing more training with a different teacher at the moment I'm learning more and more about this program and what been so fascinating so I mentioned that I'm not a natural athlete I hadn't been to a gym since the 90s and I loathed it then obviously 15 years with a dog I walked regularly and I have been pretty good at keeping that going since I lost her but all the way through this whole bones journey I had been saying this is great because I don't need to go to the gym I know that lifting weights is what I need to do for my bones but this is great this has given me another way of doing it something shifted earlier this year which has surprised not only me but everybody who knows me I've been loving watching

SPEAKER_00: 38:03

your journey I have absolutely

SPEAKER_02: 38:06

and earlier this year I went okay it's time I went to the gym so the bones for life work I do which is a very it's a different thing it's um it's a it's a movement program it's not yoga it's not pilates it's not weight lifting it's very it's small easy movements that you can learn to do at home online or working with teacher in person they have have taught me more about how bones work, what is needed, and this has created the mind shift that has got me to the gym. At the same time, I knew that I needed to have a way that would, you know, there was no point just going once or twice with no sort of plan. So what I did, what worked for me was I joined, for one month, I joined a very, very nice local gym, which is in the middle of the countryside. It's very expensive. And I said to them, I can only join you for a month. I'm doing this to build a habit. And so for a month, I went three times a week, small group practices, training, small group training, three to six people, one trainer, started learning what I was meant to do and got a feel for it and built the habit. The house I live in now, which I've been in for over nine years, nine and a half years, is three minutes walk from my local gym. So when I said I hadn't bothered to go, I had absolutely no excuse. I just didn't want to. That month of paying for small training was enough to get me into the habit. I am now going to my local gym where I have a private personal trainer who I meet with every few weeks. But I basically go down on my own three mornings a week. I'm in the gym at seven o'clock and home by eight. And I also made the decision, which is why you know about it, to do this in public because, well, there were two reasons. One, I didn't want people to think that I was saying that I wasn't going to the gym because I've been very vocal about that and yet quietly doing it, given that I'm now teaching a program, which is all about helping people with their longer-term bone health and helping them preempt their risk of osteoporosis. And secondly, accountability. No, no, no. or anything like that. Although the fact that I can get into some clothes that I couldn't six months ago is a nice bonus. I'm not going to pretend it

SPEAKER_00: 40:58

isn't. Absolutely. We're all for the bonuses. We're all for the bonuses. But

SPEAKER_02: 41:01

ultimately, I'm doing this so that when I'm in 20 years time, when I'm in my 80s or coming up, because I turned 60 in the beginning of January, which I haven't got my head around yet, but it's coming up. So in 25 years time, let's say, I want to be strong and healthy and still doing the work that lights me up. up and in order for that to happen I need to be making my body do things that it's not used to doing.

SPEAKER_00: 41:25

I love that I love that because and I say it again and again it's all about knowing our why because our why is what will drive us to have the motivation to keep doing what you're doing and I'd just like to reiterate that yes your thing has been going to the gym but your lessons and your insights apply to anything really anything about that we've been making it excuses not to do and thinking, oh, I can't, I'm too old, I haven't got time, etc. So it is, like we keep saying, about surprising yourself by turning it around, by reframing it. So is there, I mean, there's a phrase that, you know, I'm going to mispronounce this again probably, a phrase that I've heard you use that I think would be a fabulous first insight that I'd like to pull from you, which is progress over time. perfection and explain what you mean by that

SPEAKER_02: 42:24

yeah it's i mean it's something that i've heard you know i've heard over the years people have used it in in other contexts i i'm i would describe myself as a recovering perfectionist so this phrase is very close to my heart and i have to accept that it's better to have something out there than being polished behind the scenes and the reason that the way you saw me using it recently was um last week i went to the gym three times which is what I've been aiming to do Monday Wednesday Friday and on Friday I got there and I was really tired and so I did I did a kind of half session I didn't do nearly as much as I wanted to as I normally do and I arrived later and I actually gave up and went home earlier but I made a little video on the way home saying this is what's happened I've done it but I'm still counting this as a win this isn't a failed session this is I went there I did something this is progress and similarly If I'd been push, push, pushing myself, I'm sure I could be lifting heavier weights than I am already and doing more and so on. But my pattern is pushing myself until I make myself ill. I am very, very mindful of that these days. As I say, this is not a short-term goal. This is a long-term goal. If it takes me a year to get somewhere that I might theoretically have got to in six months, I don't care as long as it continues and I keep doing it. So that's how I'm using it with the gym. But it applies to everything else I do. when i launched my online course was it perfect no but it was good enough that somebody else could get benefit from it and i had to say right let's put it out there um it's the same with you know putting stuff out on social media even

SPEAKER_00: 44:04

yeah everything everything i do i am the queen of taking perfectly imperfect action so and following on from that as well the whole idea of again which can lead to us making excuses but i say and i know you're with me there try Try it. If you don't like it, we're now old enough and ugly enough to turn around and say to ourselves, not anyone else, to ourselves, actually, it's not for me. I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm going to find something that is for me. Yep, you can rule things out before you find the right one. And as I say, you might surprise yourself by trying it and thinking, actually, I didn't think that was going to be for me, but actually that's exactly what I need right now. Or you can use it as a stepping stone to, it's not quite what I'm looking for but it's made me think about something or you might meet someone who has an idea and it's that whole snowball effect absolutely and

SPEAKER_02: 45:00

it's just reminded me of something so a couple of weekends ago a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to come to a class at the gym which is a weights class with music and lots of people and I went yeah let's give it a go and we did the class and I said to her afterwards I said that's not for me it's just it wasn't I felt I need to be able to do things more slowly I don't like being pushed I don't like being rushed there were too many people the music was too much too loud not my and I was like completely understand why you enjoy it and and I also said you know who knows in six months time I might feel differently but right now that's not what I want and just having that clarity so as you say I tried it enthusiastically and then I was like actually no

SPEAKER_00: 45:41

it's okay that one's not for me no you're absolutely right because there is no right and wrong isn't there is there isn't there is there no and by trying it you can either rule it out or as we said use it as a springboard to something else because it's just all the little options that come out of it and the small steps I think so often we get overwhelmed by the blinking big picture I think now it's a time to think not forget the big picture but take it out of focus for now and just think about the little the little steps I can't think of the right word but the ones that you know build up build up build up and before you know it look

SPEAKER_02: 46:19

what I've done there's The reason my business is called One Step Forward. It's exactly what it's about. All you

SPEAKER_00: 46:24

can ever do is take that one next step. I love that. And we're going to be sharing details in a bit about how listeners can get in touch with you. So you've given so many great insights. Any other key takeaways that you'd like to share before we get some more surprises by going on to your three questions, which are going to be big surprises for me and the listeners? So you mentioned earlier

SPEAKER_02: 46:46

on that little word yet and how powerful that is. And this is something I talk about with my clients all the time. I can't do this. And you just add that word yet at the end. So I've got another reframe like that that I also share with clients, which is very powerful. And we all tend to have these things, these stories we tell ourselves over and over again. So it could be something as simple as I'm hopeless with technology. And so obviously you can turn that around and go, I don't know, I'm not very good with technology yet, but there's another way of doing it. which is to say, in the past, I have been hopeless with technology. And you don't have to say anything else. You don't have to start creating affirmations about something you don't yet believe in. But just by saying, in the past, this was a fact, it opens the door a fraction to the possibility that the future might be... But from now on... But we're not yet pushing you through. And if you want to say, and in the future, that's absolutely fine. Of course, go for it. But for a lot of people, that's too much, which is why... you know affirmations can be great but only when you've reached a certain point if you truly believe a doesn't matter how much you look in the mirror and affirm b it's not going to make a difference because your subconscious is not yet on board so this is a way to start inching towards that the possibility that things in the future could be different

SPEAKER_00: 48:09

yeah because although it happened in the past that does not mean that it happens from this moment going forward exactly i love that i love that right back to the surprises though So I'm going to ask your three questions. There's no escape because I ask the same three questions to each of my fabulous female guests. And please, if there's a story behind it as well, I'd love you to share that because it makes the answers even more special. So your first question, Helen, what is your midlife anthem, the piece of music, song or sound that lights you up?

SPEAKER_02: 48:45

Well, the moment I first heard this question, when I first listened to your podcast I knew there was no question who the artist would be, but the actual song has evolved. So there's an American singer-songwriter called Mary Chapin Carpenter, who I have been following for over 30 years. She's phenomenal. She's a poet in terms of how her lyrics are incredible. She's absolutely brilliant. She started out in sort of the country box, so country folk, but she's just herself. I'm not a huge music person. I listen to a lot of spoken word radio and podcasts and things as much as I do music and I've probably seen 15 to 20 concerts gigs in my life five of them were her so until a few months ago the answer to the question would have been her track Why Walk When You Can Fly which is fabulous and has been around for a long time earlier this year she released a new album and I'm on her mailing list and I saw an email to say that she was going to be performing an in conversation an acoustic set at a very very small venue in London in about a month's time and I saw this when I was going to bed and I thought oh I'll have to think about that who could back to what you're saying right at the beginning who could I get to go with me blah blah blah and I was lying in bed and I thought those tickets are going to be gone by the morning and I got out of bed at

SPEAKER_00: 50:06

11 o'clock at night yeah I wouldn't have gone to sleep on it no

SPEAKER_02: 50:09

11 o'clock I got up found my phone bought one ticket and I went on my own and it was amazing she was in conversation with Nicole Taylor who's a fantastic screenwriter. She wrote One Day, amongst other things. And they've become friends over the years. So it was two people who really knew each other having a chat. And it was amazing. It's a little venue in London. There were a couple of hundred people there, I think, maybe 300 maximum. And at the end of it, it was unallocated seating. So I got there early and queued and I was in the second row. So it was incredible. And at the end of it, I was one of the last to leave. And as I was walking out, Nicole Taylor was talking to what I assume were a couple of her friends so I went up and said thank you so much it was such an amazing evening and left and I decided to walk back to Waterloo I've never had much of a sense of direction I'm notorious for it I got lost next thing I knew I was walking back towards the venue and I just suddenly thought if I don't do this now I'm never going to have this opportunity again so I went back to the venue where they were stacking all the equipment and said to somebody look I was at the show I'm wondering if there's any possibility of meeting Mary Chapin and he just said well they're all upstairs still give it a go so I walked up the stairs first person I saw was Nicole still talking with the same two women and so and she kind of looked at me and did a double take and so I went up and said I came back repeated my little spiel and she said oh you'll have to talk to her manager he's that man over there so basically he said yes and I sat I waited a few moments and then she came over to talk to me and I'd said whenever I'd asked I'd said I want to thank her so Mary Chapin Carpenter through lockdown, like so many artists, she started doing what she called songs from home. She carried on doing them every single Sunday for a whole year. She would go onto Facebook with her guitar and just sing. And so we kind of felt we got to know her over that time. And we got to know her beautiful golden retriever, Angus, and her, at the time, very elderly cat who was sometimes on camera and sometimes not. So I thanked her for that and for getting me through COVID because I'd spent COVID on my own with my dog. And then I thanked her for the fact that her music had been there when Muppet came to the end of her life. So it's entirely appropriate that we've talked about her already today. And she immediately teared up and said, I've been there. And I said, I know you have. She threw her arms around me, gave me the biggest hug and then asked what her name had been. And I just so, because this was three years to the month that she died. And so I happened to have her photograph as a screensaver. So I was able to share on my phone. And the only reason I have what's actually a fantastic photograph of the two of us is because because her manager asked me if I had a phone and would like him to take our photograph, because it hadn't even occurred to me. Because it wasn't about that. It was about that moment between two women. She's a few years older than me. And the song, which I heard for the first time that night, is called Girl and Her Dog. And it is written, you're going to absolutely love it. It's written from the point of view of a woman in her 60s. So again, they've told on us. And it's just stunning. So that is my midlife and beyond mantra.

SPEAKER_00: 53:18

I Listeners, we're going to go have to check this one out. I look forward to that. Oh, I've got goosebumps. I do like a goose bump.

SPEAKER_02: 53:27

Let's move while I'm goose bumping. something that I wanted. And if it hadn't happened, I'd have always known that I asked for it. But as it was, it turned out more incredibly than I could have imagined.

SPEAKER_00: 53:57

I love that. I love that. The fact that you took that step. You surprised yourself by going for it, as you said. Thank goodness for bad sense of direction is what I say. So your mantra then, has that inspired your mantra?

SPEAKER_02: 54:13

No, my mantra goes back a lot further. When I was growing up, my mother had a phrase. which I've been working to overcome her phrase and it applied to lots of things it applied to money generally it applied to can I have another piece of cake it was when it's gone it's gone and over the years I've realized you know as children we absorb things that belief was not serving me particularly when it came to building my own business and abundance and all of those things so my midlife mantra is there's more where that came from

SPEAKER_00: 54:48

oh I I love that. Both of which are phrases that I'm very familiar with from my childhood, particularly. But no, that's absolutely brilliant. Oh, I do love a reframe. So I'm ready to be wowed now by your third and final question. Before we share details of how listeners, they'll be like, Kate, how can we get in touch with this woman? No, not yet. First, what is the title of your autobiography?

SPEAKER_02: 55:14

Okay, so this one also needs a title of my autobiography is I am also the tree I said it needed some explanation when I was working with Sharon the hypnotherapist there was one so I'm not the sort I don't tend to I don't have a very visual imagination I think I have a bit of a fantasia I don't tend to see things I feel them more there was one session when I was with her though I had I had what I can only describe as a vision even though I didn't see see it and it was of this beautiful beech tree I grew up around beech trees and beech near beech woods beautiful beech tree with incredible roots and nestled into the roots was a little girl that was me and a little black dog which was a kind of amalgam of Muppet and the dog that I had as a teenager and I felt I was really aware of this incredible sense of being held and supported by this beautiful tree and it wasn't until I was telling Sharon what I'd experienced that I suddenly stopped dead and went oh my goodness I've just realised I am also the tree and it was I've got goosebumps telling you it was that moment when I started to understand this concept of higher self or whatever we want to call it that there is part of me part of all of us that is you know bigger and part of everything but it was a real it was my own personal epiphany and a huge part of my evolution and so whether it would work as the title of a book or not I don't know but in my head that's what it is it'll get

SPEAKER_00: 56:43

people picking it up off the shelf I love that well now is the time that many of the listeners have been waiting for because obviously all your contact details are in the show notes for our episode and on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website, the link to which is in the show notes. But could you talk us through how listeners can get in touch with you as well?

SPEAKER_02: 57:05

Of course, I'd love to. So I'm Helen Davis and the problem with my name is there's an awful lot of Helen Davises around. So One Step Forward is probably the better thing to remember. Onestepforward.today is my website. On Facebook I'm One Step Forward with Helen Davis. Instagram, it's onestepforward.today. And on LinkedIn, I'm Helen Davis, One Step Forward. Excellent,

SPEAKER_00: 57:26

excellent. So head over, connect with Helen and you can find out more and surprise yourself. Bringing it back to the title again. And I'd love, will you come and surprise me by leaving some feedback on today's episode? It'd be lovely if you left a review and you can email me or text me via the link in the show notes where you can support the show as well. Buy me a coffee maybe um also you can come and join the midlife unlimited podcast facebook group helen's in there link in the show notes and on the website too are details of my exclusive vip midlife metamorphosis coaching offers but also drum roll please new just for you if you're a budding expert who wants to transform from nervous podcast guest wannabe to the expert that podcast home on their show. Head over to the school platform, that's S-K-O-O-L now, and join my new community, Pop Your Podcast Cherry. And the founding member price is just$10 a month. Head over there, have a look or look at my posts. Thank you for joining me, Helen. I've absolutely loved today's episode, full of surprises, full of fantastic insights. Thank you for listening too. And I look forward to you tuning in next week because don't forget, Midlife Unlimited has a new episode every Thursday available wherever you listen to your podcast. So here's to being fabulous and flourishing together and living Midlife Unlimited. Thanks ever so much, Helen. Bye. Thank you so much. It's been an absolute pleasure. Bye.